Why would I want to leave guys and romance out of the next five years of my life?
In less than a month, I will be 22-years-old. Not only will my age be changing by one digit, but I’ll also be having my 22-year anniversary of being single.
I've mentioned this before - but for a review - just in case you haven't read the other entries: I have never been on a date. I have never had an actual boyfriend. I have never been kissed…All of which, is considered to be “weird” by American standards.
Sometimes I look around at all my friend and at people my age. Most people, by the age of 22, have already been on a date. Many of my friends that are my age are now engaged, married, and/or already have children. While I know I want to wait for the right guy and that I don’t want to settle for anything less then God’s plan, I still sometimes feel behind in the relationship world. In fact, when I was 18-years-old, a 12-year-old told me that I should join a dating website like eHarmony.
While I have been blessed to avoid so much heartache that many American teen girls face by the age of 15 or 16, I haven’t been as lucky to completely avoid all heart aches – even in the midst of being single.
Although I have always been single, I have had feelings for a few guys that I have known. Little did I know, before I started to have feelings for them, that these male friends in my life would one day be a new root in my of heartbreak.
Let me introduce my friend Jason*. He and I were really great friends. We talked often about every topic under the sun. Our families had a long history of friendships, and he and I became really good friends. Things were going great between us, and honestly, I was getting mixed signals from him. One minute I would be getting signals from him that he might have feelings in return, but the next minute I wouldn’t be sure.
I never told him how I felt about him (in fact, I’ve never told any guy I’ve been interested in that I had feelings for him)…so we always stayed completely on a friendship level. As great as our friendship was, I guess I was deceived. We were talking like normal one day, and then I never heard from him again. I’m not sure if I did or said anything to upset him, or if he had something take place in his life that made him fall off the face of the planet. I may never know why our friendship ended the way it did, but it was a hard heartache for me to recover from.
Then there is my friend Wesley*. Boy, did I fall hard for Wesley! We started as friends, and eventually I found myself head-over-heels for this guy. I found my feelings for Wesley to be very inconvenient as I was content being single and more than content not having feelings for anyone. In fact, I tried as hard as I could to get away from how I felt. Once I discovered I had feelings for him, I prayed to God, “Lord…Please give Wesley one of three things: Bad breath, bad body odor, or a personality trait that I would consider as a big enough flaw to break my interest, but not big enough to prevent a good friendship from taking place.”
Well, Wesley brushed his teeth, was well groomed, and was a great guy. We complimented one another in many ways and our friendship grew stronger…and my feelings for him grew with it.
Eventually Wesley found out that I had feelings for him – but not from me. The whole thing is a long and private story – but he found out how I felt through someone else. As it turns out, he doesn’t have feelings for me in return, but our friendship has been preserved as we still keep in touch on a regular basis. While our friendship is still maintained, I would be lying to say that I wasn’t disappointed and would be lying if I told you my heart didn’t painfully break.
Not only can I tell you about the guys I have liked in the past, but I can tell you about other situations too….Like the time a guy named Bradley* texted me, telling me I should let him know when I would be in town so we could “get together”…And I’m not talking about getting together to watch a movie or to meet for coffee. His text was a bit more crude and slang-filled then what I am willing to post on my blog. (Or the way my mom would say it, “rude, crude, and socially unacceptable!”) The guy showed interest in me, but only on a level that I am saving for marriage.
While I didn’t have an interest in Bradley in a romantic way, my heart still broke. My heart broke, realizing the lack of respect he had for me as a woman, but also himself. I’m worth more then a one-night stand, and so is he. I’m worth far more than what I felt degraded to by his one, simple, text message.
I have a few more stories about guy friends I have liked in the past, but I also have more stories that include a few Bradleys…but I won’t get into all of the stories I could share. Sometimes, as a single woman, my heart breaks in other ways.
While my heart has broken a little in each situation, I am thankful my heart has never broken beyond repair. I am thankful that I haven’t had boyfriend after boyfriend, giving my heart away to the wrong guy(s). I am thankful that I have avoided deeper heartbreaks that many girls go through several times by the time they are my age.
Although I am thankful, I’m not saying being single is easy. Hence my “no man plan”.
My plan has been in place for about two months now. While my plan doesn’t include dating or a relationship – I’m not saying I am completely against the idea of dating someone. If it’s meant to happen, it is meant to happen. What I am saying is: I’m not looking for something to happen. Even with my plan in place, my desire truly is to one day meet a guy, fall in love, and to marry. I’m also not going to say “no” to the possibility of a blessing from God just because I’m stubbornly holding onto a plan that may not be God’s plan.
In the past, I have desired to be in a relationship. I think I desired it so much that I spent too much focusing on the idea of finding the right guy, waiting for a relationship to occur…all causing disappointment to take place when things didn’t work out the way I had hoped.
If a guy likes me in the next five years, so be it. If he likes me – he can let me know. I’m a bit old school I guess, but I believe it’s the guy’s job to pursue me, the female, and for him be the leader of a household. I don’t want to develop special feelings for another guy, just to have him not like me back, causing a new dose of pain. This time – I want a (decent and Godly) man to like ME, and to let me know on his own. I’m not going to look for him…He can find me. If he’s there, he’s there. If he’s not, then he’s not. (I sometimes wonder if a bus possibly hit him while he was on the way to find me…ha!)
Really, I guess I am trying to avoid unnecessary heartaches while using my single years to focus things that are here, now, and in front of me. I can’t make my dream man magically appear in front of me, giving myself that perfect, romantic “happily ever after”. In fact, I may never have a relationship to lead towards marital bliss…but I can focus on becoming a better person, God’s plan, friendships, relationships with family, and other dreams that I can make come true.
God knows the desires of my heart…but more than that, He knows the plans He has for my life. Single or one day married – life will be a great adventure with God in control. While it won’t always be easy, I no longer want to take for granted the joys of being single.
Here’s to a successful, upcoming, busy five years.
The Travelin’ Chick,
****** Names of all of the guys I have mentioned in this entry have been changed for privacy for myself, and for them as well.