Adulting, Boys, and Pity Parties (#HavePatience)

I've never been one for pity parties.  Yet, recently, that's exactly where I found myself...Pity party for one, anybody?

Sometimes growing up can be hard.  (Can I still say that at 24?)  Legally I've been an adult for six years now, but as time goes on,  I see my friends all growing up in different, anticipated, and expected ways.  Some are moving out of their parent's homes.  Some are in new or serious relationships, getting married and having children.  Others are working in a financially secure jobs - with benefits.  There are a few that I know that are doing well in all three departments, plus many other areas in life.

If you're a long-time reader of my blog, you know a few things about me: I'm 24, I still live with my parents, and I've (still) never been on a date.  I've (still) never had a boyfriend.  And while, I am employed by a wonderful nonprofit that I love working for (the Vascular Birthmarks Foundation), I am part-time don't yet earn enough to live on my own.

By the standards of many, I'm behind.  Or maybe I should say I'm behind by the standards I've set for myself...Maybe both.

A few weeks ago I had different discussions with three of my dearest friends.  They all (now) have boyfriends, they are now moving or have moved out of their parent's homes. I am SO excited for them and I am so glad that they are accomplishing so much.  I celebrate for and with them!!...Yet, I sat there during these discussions, unable to fully relate.  I sat there, wondering, "When will I be able to move out on my own?  When will I have the joys of being in a relationship?"

Told ya.  Pity Party.  I know, envy isn't my best quality.  (And trust me, my moments of jealousy aren't something I'm proud of, and would have been much easier to hide.  However, I feel like there must be someone else out there who can relate.  Someone else who can be encouraged knowing that they are not alone.)

Soon after, I expressed my frustrations(?) to one of my close friends...All while probably sounding completely desperate, which is also not normally like me...But hey, if we're on this honesty train...Choo choo, y'all.

And then the irony happened.

I'm not usually the girl guys flirt with, or the one they show interest in.  Usually I'm the one on the sidelines, eating popcorn, watching all my friends in that role.  Then again, my friends have told me many times that I'm just blind in that aspect of life.

But then it happened: A guy showed interest.  Actually, strike that.  Within just a day or two after my venting session, TWO guys showed interest.

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Who doesn't need this reminder?

Scene 1, Guy 1:  I reconnected with one of my friend's friends.  Actually, I was standing in the post office for 20 minutes while waiting for their custodian to help me save my phone...Which I very gracefully dropped between a counter (which was bolted down) and the wall.  And then walks in my friend's friend (let's call him Miles) with his sweet grandpa.  Miles eventually helped the custodian help me, and I was reunited with my phone at last!

Later Miles and I were texting...And I got awkward.

Miles: My grandpa told me you seem like a very cute girl.  I have to say that I agree.
Me: Shut up.  You're being ridiculous.

WHAT...?!!?  I told him to SHUT UP??  Who says that?  Oh, yeah...I do. (#SMH)

FYI: Don't forget about Miles.  We'll come back to him in a minute.

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Scene 2, Guy 2:  I went out with some friends.  There was a live band, and we ate pizza.  Some people were dancing.  I was sitting, hanging out with my friends.  Then, I noticed a guy trying to get my attention.  Although, at first I was certain he was trying to get the attention of my friend - but he wasn't.  So, I went to him to see what he wanted.

Guy: Why aren't you dancing?
Me: I don't dance.
Guy: Come on, let's dance!
Me: No, really.  I don't dance.  I'm kinda boring like that.
Guy: *Walks Away*

Once again...WHAT?!!??   I'm boring??  Where do I come up with these ridiculous responses?  (#Reason4509ImStillSingle)

For the love!...I've lived in London,  gone viral on Facebook, and am writing a book.  Why did I tell him I was boring?  I nearly decided to chase him down later to tell him, "I told you I was boring - but I'm not.  I think your good-looks distracted me and somehow cut that important wire between my mouth and brain.  So sorry...Can I tell you about the time I was pooped on by a dolphin??"

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In the midst of this, Miles told me he was interested in me.  Actually, he told me he was "intrigued" by me - and sent me a sweet list of the reasons why.  He started to text me on a daily basis, consistently in pursuit.  Yet, I took his words with caution, knowing we had to be strictly friends and nothing more.

There's that rule that every girl should have a list of requirements she wants in a guy...A list she won't budge on.  Mine is short and sweet and has been rather consistent since the age of 16.  My top four requirements?

1. He must be a Christian, striving his best to follow God.
2. He must respect my decision to stay sexually pure until marriage.
3. He must have an interest in missions.
4. He must respect his parents.

Miles isn't a Christian - and that's not negotiable if you want to date me.

And here's the thing...I learned some important lessons through my life's recent, ironic moments.

Lesson one?  I'd rather be single with no one showing romantic interest in me than single and having non-Christians showing interest in me.  You don't know what you're missing when you don't have it.  I've lived 24 years without a guy spending time pursuing me (unless I've been blind in past situations, which is highly possible), but now I've had a taste of what that could be and feel like.  I'd rather stay single, without anyone in pursuit of my heart - unless he's a Christ-follower.

This year I'm writing that book.
I'm learning to play the piano.
I'm getting that AA degree.
I'm chasing those God-sized dreams.

Also, for various reasons, I've learned I have a wall around my heart that I need to start tearing down.  Yes, I need to guard my heart...After all, if I don't, who will?   But I can take down the spiked barbed-wire that pokes out, discouraging someone from trying to reach my heart.  I've always said I was willing to date if the right guy came along, but I don't think I was as willing as I thought I was at the time.  I'm pretty sure my heart not only had a wall with pokey barbed wire, but it also had an alarm system and guard dogs as a companion.

The most freeing lesson of them all?  I may not be moving out yet, have a "Facebook official" boyfriend (nor a non Facebook official boyfriend), or financially sufficient enough.  But...I am writing a book with different publishers interested.  I am pursuing my dreams.  We're all adulting in different ways - and we don't have to fit the mold, going at the same speed (or route) as everyone else.  It's okay to write that book before you move out of your parents house.  It's okay to live overseas with a mission organization for 6 months before getting that college degree.  You're not required to follow a specific list to live your life.  It's okay to do things differently!

Make 2016 your year, whatever that may look like.  Write that book, record that album.  Move out of your parent's home, ask the girl out.  Get your passport, sign up for college classes, or apply for that job.  Dare to dream your own dreams, and take the steps to get where you want to be.  There is no specific order we have to go by to grow-up and adult.  Go buy yourself some Nike shoes and, "Just Do It".

Take those chances and live the life God has called you to live.

The Travelin' and Adulting Chick,
Crystal

DIY: No Man Plan

In the last two weeks or so, I've had a few female friends tell me, "I want to have a 'no man plan' like you do!"  Then, the other night, a friend specifically asked me, "How do you have a no man plan anyways?  How are you able to have one that is so successful?"  I looked at her and jokingly said, "It's easy.  Men don't hit on or flirt with me."  (I was semi joking.)

My friend wants to be in on this no man plan stuff but has no idea where to begin.  During her inquiring, I realized that my last blog entry on this topic,  "My 'No Man Plan'",  I wrote about why I have the plan, and the intentions of my plan.  I did not, however, write about how this kind of plan works.

As my friend asked me her questions, I realized...My plan isn't really about having a plan.  It's more about having a realization.

One of the biggest lessons I have learned in life is that plans...well...They don't always go according to plan.  It's good to have plans.  They give a sense of direction, they give you a goal.  However, in addition to having a plan - you also have to carry around a bit of flexibility.

Here's the thing.  Yes, I have a "no man plan"...But just because I have this plan, if a guy were to pursue me and ask me on a date, it doesn't mean I'll instantly tell him no because of this plan.  (It doesn't necessarily mean I'll tell the guy yes either...ha!)  After all, God's plans for my life are always bigger than what I can think up myself.  If a guy starts pursuing me, I have to be willing to be flexible…Otherwise I may miss out on one of God's blessings for my life.

For all I know, at the end of the five years of my "No Man Plan", I may meet a guy.  Or...God may say, "Forget five years!  There's a great guy who is going to start pursuing you next week!"  Then again, God may instead say, "You can make a bigger impact on this world for Me by staying single than if you were to get married."

No matter how my life plays out, the point of my plan isn't necessarily to cut romance out of my life completely.  Once again, if a guy pursues me sooner than later, I may say, "Ok.  Let's give this a shot." However, if no guy pursues me in the near future - then I'm okay with that too!

Having a "No Man Plan" really means that I've come to a realization.  I've realized and acknowledged that life isn't just about falling in love with Prince Charming and to marry him.  Life is about living!  I don't need to be married to live a life worth living.  I don't need to be validated by a man like many women seem to do - as my worth is not in a single male human-being.  My worth is found in Christ and who I am as a person.

Yes, I would LOVE to be married one day...I'd telling you a huge lie if I told you I wanted to be single for the rest of my life.  Having this plan doesn't make this desire disappear.  It just changes the way I look at the world, who I am as a person, and the decisions I make.  It is my way of saying, "I don't need to be married to live."

Someone recently asked me, "What are you doing to do when your 'no man plan' expires in 5 years?"  I told them, "Probably the same thing I'm doing now.  I'll live life to the fullest, whether I am single, dating, or married."  I'm not out looking for love.  If love comes and finds me, then so be it.

It often saddens me when look at some friends who are literally always searching for love (as if it's their one and only life goal) and always asking, "When is this mystery man coming my way?  When am I going to meet the one?"  It sometimes seems as though they're just sitting, waiting…and waiting…and waiting…Not doing anything else but sitting in the waiting room of the love department of life.

I always want to tell those friends, "Don't you realize there is more to life than men??"   Many of my friends who do this are unhappy in life and will tell you that they aren't happy.  When someone is constantly searching for love…searching for something they want but don't have…I think they put a lot of unnecessary pressure on themselves.  No matter how hard you search, no matter how hard you wish, dream, or pray…it won't make that perfect guy walk in front of you and have him ask you out.  Plus, if you focus on what you don't have - sometimes you can forget about what you do have.

For those of you wanting tips on having a "No Man Plan"...Here you go:

1. Realize the beauty in marriage, but also realize the beauty in being single!
2. Realize life isn't about meeting somebody.  Life's purpose is bigger than getting married.  
3. Find something to do.  Get a hobby, go to school.  Set some goals.   Keep busy!   Find something you're passionate about and strive towards the passion.  If you keep busy doing the things you love, you have less time to think about what you don't have.  By being involved in what you love, it brings the feeling of natural joy and happiness.  It brings a sense of purpose.  I love the job I currently have - and I absolutely love studying ASL.  I have a goal to become an interpreter, hopefully for the medical field if I can become skilled enough.  By keeping myself busy, I don't have much time to think about my singleness.  Sometimes I find myself so busy and I struggle with the little time I have as a single gal.  Had I been dating someone during these last few months, I'm pretty sure I would have felt too stretched and my attention would have been split - not being able to give my 100% towards anything.
4. Surround yourself with likeminded people, and people who are an encouragement.  It has been said that you become most like the 5 people you hang out with the most.  Who are you hanging out with?  People who complain about what they don't have and focus on what they wish they had?  Or do you hang out with people who are happy and content?  What kind of friend are you?  If you're in somebody's top 5 people that they hang out with the most, how are you impacting the developing character of your friends?   Find people you admire and look up to.  Find people that are encouraging and that live life to live life to it's fullest!
5. Get to know yourself before you put yourself into a relationship.  How can you let someone else get to know you, if you don't even know who you are??  What are you passionate about?  What do you love, and what do you dislike?  What do you believe?  What is your attitude on certain topics…So many people try to be who others want them to be so that they will feel accepted…Molding themselves to other people's desires and standards.  Forget being accepted by others.  Accept yourself for the way you are and be yourself!  If you go into a relationship not knowing who you are alone, that's unfair to yourself and to the person you're trying to date.  You need to know your identity alone, and just have an identity defined by who you're dating.  If you were to date right now, and the relationship were to end in a few months…Would you still know who you are if it ended, or will you be devastated by not knowing who you are anymore?  Have have you identified yourself by your love life circumstances?  (I've heard many girls talk about not knowing who they are after their 3 or 6 month dating relationship ended.  I really find that to be incredibly sad.)
6. Realize that if you're not happy now single, you probably won't be happy dating.  You have to learn to be happy as you are in all walks of life - single, dating, married…Be happy to just be you.  Oh - and don't expect someone else to make you happy.  That's not their job and that's not the point of dating.  Dating isn't some instant "I'm happy pill".  I mean, it's not their job to make you miserable either, and dating someone should bring you some happiness.  I've just seen many people go into relationships unhappy, stay unhappy, and for the relationship to end with the person feeling even more miserable.  Think of it this way, do you want to date an unhappy single guy (or if you're a guy reading this, then do you want to date an unhappy single girl) that expects you to make them happy?   How much pressure would that add to the relationship alone?  I just think it would be a lot more work if you go into it with someone, or both unhappy, verses if you were both content before entering into a relationship.   (And actually, I think this one is tied to all the other numbers above in a big way.  If you don't find your own identity, find something you love, surround yourself with great likeminded people…Of course you're going to be unhappy.)
7. You have to be ready for a relationship.  Many people want a relationship - which is natural.  But you have to be ready for one.  Are you sure you're ready?  What are your current motivations for dating??  

Maybe a "No Man Plan Realization" is just what you need.  Maybe it's not.  Sadly, many women (and men) validate themselves, and wait to live depending on their relationship status - and I don't want to be a part of that trend...Do you??

The Travelin' Chick,
Crystal

My "No Man Plan"

What is a “No Man Plan”?  This is my plan for the next five years of my life.  It includes the goals I have set for myself: Finish my time in Germany, get a job when returning to California, finish college with heavy semesters, (and possibly summer school), and buy a house when I graduate with my BA degree.  Oh, and not to mention: Leaving guys (or at least, guys in the romantic sense) out of the picture for the next five years.

Why would I want to leave guys and romance out of the next five years of my life?

In less than a month, I will be 22-years-old. Not only will my age be changing by one digit, but I’ll also be having my 22-year anniversary of being single.

I've mentioned this before - but for a review - just in case you haven't read the other entries: I have never been on a date.  I have never had an actual boyfriend.  I have never been kissed…All of which, is considered to be “weird” by American standards. 

Sometimes I look around at all my friend and at people my age.  Most people, by the age of 22, have already been on a date.  Many of my friends that are my age are now engaged, married, and/or already have children.  While I know I want to wait for the right guy and that I don’t want to settle for anything less then God’s plan, I still sometimes feel behind in the relationship world.  In fact, when I was 18-years-old, a 12-year-old told me that I should join a dating website like eHarmony.

While I have been blessed to avoid so much heartache that many American teen girls face by the age of 15 or 16, I haven’t been as lucky to completely avoid all heart aches – even in the midst of being single.

Although I have always been single, I have had feelings for a few guys that I have known.  Little did I know, before I started to have feelings for them, that these male friends in my life would one day be a new root in my of heartbreak. 

Let me introduce my friend Jason*.  He and I were really great friends.  We talked often about every topic under the sun.  Our families had a long history of friendships, and he and I became really good friends.  Things were going great between us, and honestly, I was getting mixed signals from him.  One minute I would be getting signals from him that he might have feelings in return, but the next minute I wouldn’t be sure.

I never told him how I felt about him (in fact, I’ve never told any guy I’ve been interested in that I had feelings for him)…so we always stayed completely on a friendship level.  As great as our friendship was, I guess I was deceived.  We were talking like normal one day, and then I never heard from him again.  I’m not sure if I did or said anything to upset him, or if he had something take place in his life that made him fall off the face of the planet.  I may never know why our friendship ended the way it did, but it was a hard heartache for me to recover from.

Then there is my friend Wesley*.  Boy, did I fall hard for Wesley!  We started as friends, and eventually I found myself head-over-heels for this guy.  I found my feelings for Wesley to be very inconvenient as I was content being single and more than content not having feelings for anyone.  In fact, I tried as hard as I could to get away from how I felt.  Once I discovered I had feelings for him, I prayed to God, “Lord…Please give Wesley one of three things: Bad breath, bad body odor, or a personality trait that I would consider as a big enough flaw to break my interest, but not big enough to prevent a good friendship from taking place.”

Well, Wesley brushed his teeth, was well groomed, and was a great guy.  We complimented one another in many ways and our friendship grew stronger…and my feelings for him grew with it.

Eventually Wesley found out that I had feelings for him – but not from me.  The whole thing is a long and private story – but he found out how I felt through someone else.   As it turns out, he doesn’t have feelings for me in return, but our friendship has been preserved as we still keep in touch on a regular basis.  While our friendship is still maintained, I would be lying to say that I wasn’t disappointed and would be lying if I told you my heart didn’t painfully break.

Not only can I tell you about the guys I have liked in the past, but I can tell you about other situations too….Like the time a guy named Bradley* texted me, telling me I should let him know when I would be in town so we could “get together”…And I’m not talking about getting together to watch a movie or to meet for coffee.  His text was a bit more crude and slang-filled then what I am willing to post on my blog.  (Or the way my mom would say it, “rude, crude, and socially unacceptable!”)  The guy showed interest in me, but only on a level that I am saving for marriage. 

While I didn’t have an interest in Bradley in a romantic way, my heart still broke.  My heart broke, realizing the lack of respect he had for me as a woman, but also himself.  I’m worth more then a one-night stand, and so is he.  I’m worth far more than what I felt degraded to by his one, simple, text message.

I have a few more stories about guy friends I have liked in the past, but I also have more stories that include a few Bradleys…but I won’t get into all of the stories I could share.  Sometimes, as a single woman, my heart breaks in other ways. 

While my heart has broken a little in each situation, I am thankful my heart has never broken beyond repair.  I am thankful that I haven’t had boyfriend after boyfriend, giving my heart away to the wrong guy(s).  I am thankful that I have avoided deeper heartbreaks that many girls go through several times by the time they are my age.

Although I am thankful, I’m not saying being single is easy.  Hence my “no man plan”.

My plan has been in place for about two months now.   While my plan doesn’t include dating or a relationship – I’m not saying I am completely against the idea of dating someone.  If it’s meant to happen, it is meant to happen.  What I am saying is: I’m not looking for something to happen.  Even with my plan in place, my desire truly is to one day meet a guy, fall in love, and to marry.  I’m also not going to say “no” to the possibility of a blessing from God just because I’m stubbornly holding onto a plan that may not be God’s plan.

In the past, I have desired to be in a relationship.  I think I desired it so much that I spent too much focusing on the idea of finding the right guy, waiting for a relationship to occur…all causing disappointment to take place when things didn’t work out the way I had hoped.

If a guy likes me in the next five years, so be it.  If he likes me – he can let me know.  I’m a bit old school I guess, but I believe it’s the guy’s job to pursue me, the female, and for him be the leader of a household.  I don’t want to develop special feelings for another guy, just to have him not like me back, causing a new dose of pain.  This time – I want a (decent and Godly) man to like ME, and to let me know on his own.  I’m not going to look for him…He can find me.  If he’s there, he’s there.  If he’s not, then he’s not.  (I sometimes wonder if a bus possibly hit him while he was on the way to find me…ha!)

Really, I guess I am trying to avoid unnecessary heartaches while using my single years to focus things that are here, now, and in front of me.  I can’t make my dream man magically appear in front of me, giving myself that perfect, romantic “happily ever after”.  In fact, I may never have a relationship to lead towards marital bliss…but I can focus on becoming a better person, God’s plan, friendships,  relationships with family, and other dreams that I can make come true.

God knows the desires of my heart…but more than that, He knows the plans He has for my life.  Single or one day married – life will be a great adventure with God in control.  While it won’t always be easy, I no longer want to take for granted the joys of being single.

Here’s to a successful, upcoming, busy five years.  

The Travelin’ Chick,

Crystal

****** Names of all of the guys I have mentioned in this entry have been changed for privacy for myself, and for them as well.