Beyond Thankful

While I know most people are posting what they're most thankful for on Facebook, last year I enjoyed writing my list here on my blog - including photos to go with my list.  I think I'm going to make it a personal tradition to blog a summarized list every year.

So...What am I thankful for this year??  

The ability to travel.  Everyone knows I can't sit still for long.  This year I travelled to: Alaska, Seattle, Portland, Canada, and Nashville.  It was my first year in a long time to not hop on a plane to go overseas, but that's okay.  I really enjoyed exploring all the sites and these locations had to offer - and had a GREAT time while visiting each of them!

My job.  I love my job, and many people can't say that.  I'm thankful that I was able to move up from being a noontime assistant ("yard duty teacher") to a substitute teacher's aid.  But even in being a substitute teacher's aid, I've been placed at a school long-term...and I love it there.  The staff are incredible, the teacher's are kind, and I have the chance to use my language skill set with American Sign Language.  Every week I'm there, the more personal and language growth I see in my life.  (How does this picture of a post-it note relate to my job?  My job has loads of funny moments.  Loads and loads!!...Including this one, which I wrote on a post-it note for the teacher I was working with at the time.)

My beautiful mother!  This is one lady I'll never stop being thankful for.  Ever.  

She goes to work, takes care of my dad, is my sounding board, coordinates a women's retreat, constantly cracks the corniest of jokes, and she even makes me dinner on nights she knows I'm out late because of school.  She balances a lot, and I'm thankful for the Godly example she has been in my life.  I'm thankful that she's not just my mom, but my friend.

Donuts.  I'm thankful for donuts.  Many of you may not know this, but donuts are my weakness.  While in Portland this summer, I spent over 30 minutes in line waiting for one of the city's hot spots for the sweet pastries...and it was worth it!  For years I have been telling my mom on my birthday, "Please don't get me a cake...I would like some donuts instead."  It may seem silly, but I really am thankful for one of my all-time favorite snacks!

My little sister, BreAnna.  She's the best little sister a girl could ask for.  She keeps me laughing ALL of the time, and I enjoy all of our conversations.   We have the best sleepovers and enjoyed tackling our summer bucket lists together this year. BreAnna has brought more encouragement to my life than I can even explain, and I only hope that I can encourage her as much as she has encouraged me. 

My 4-year-old cousin, Rayna.  This kid keeps me laughing every time I see her.  Last night at dinner she kept telling me that she and I are best friends, and how she just couldn't wait to come to my house for Thanksgiving Day.  This morning when she woke up, apparently she told her daddy that today was a "Crystal day" - so she couldn't play with him.  She could only play with me.  When she arrived, she instantly requested that I sit next to her for lunch, where we had the following conversation:

"Crystal, I love family dinners!" - Rayna

"Yeah?? Me too! Why do you love family dinners?" - Me

"Because I get to see YOU!! And I LOVE spending time with you." - Rayna

My new baby cousin, Erica!!  Rayna is now a big sister!...Isn't she cute??  I'm thankful for every chance I get to have to hold her...Especially since the line to do so is always so long! (Ha!) She's adorable, and quite possibly the squeakiest baby I have ever met.  Who wouldn't be thankful for a chance to snuggle with such an adorable baby??  (Side note: I'm also incredibly thankful for the aunt that gave me these two snuggly and playful cousins to adore!)

The support I've experienced since finding out about my Facebook fiasco of my photo going viral.  Wow.  Talk about a powerful amount of encouragement!!  I know I've not blogged much since my initial entry about the situation, but I promise to write more soon about everything.  I can't deny it - the last few months have been a crazy roller coaster ride, and one that isn't quite finished yet...But WOW.  When I made my first post on Facebook about what happened - and then blogged about it - the support has been off the charts.  During a really hard day, I recently had a friend/mentor tell me something along the lines of, "Look at all the support you have!!  As I watch your blog and Facebook page, you've had more support with this one issue alone than I've ever had in my many years of ministry."  And it's true.  I've had a LOT of support, and I cannot give enough thanks for this as this crazy, unexpected journey unfolds.

Not only am I thankful for the support I've received, I'm also thankful for all the encouragement.  (Although, I do realize that these practically go hand in hand.)  Since the Facebook Fiasco started, I've received message after message from friends and strangers alike.  I heard from many of my 1,550 Facebook friends, plus others I've never met from around the world.  I have heard from people with the same type of birthmark that I have, from people who have a child who has what I have, and from people who didn't know what a Port Wine Stain was until they clicked on my blog, or read the article the Fresno Bee wrote on my story. 

The encouraging messages I have received have been such a blessing, and an unexpected surprise.  While I knew some people would message me, I didn't expect such a high number of emailed support.  Like I mentioned above, this has been a roller coaster ride I need to write about again later, but without the encouragement I have received - I know this journey would have been 100,000x harder than it has been.

On the days when I've allowed myself to become distracted by the discouragement of my situation, I've had so many of you tell me, "I just know God is going to do something great with your story!!  I know it!!"  So thank you.  Thank you for lifting me up when I have struggled and been down. Thank you for following my story, sharing it, emailing me, praying for me, and for encouraging me in all the different ways you have all had a part in.  I know many of you are rooting for the plans and story God has for my life, and I appreciate it!

                        

I've known Denise all my life, but she and I have only moved past the life-time acquaintance phase to a full, good, friendship in the last year and a half...And for this, I am beyond thankful!!   In September of 2013, Denise was the worship leader of a women's retreat my mom coordinates.  During the retreat, I had the chance to get to know her a little bit.  Wanting to get to know her better I later requested to meet for Starbucks.  (Which, it turns out, neither one of us likes coffee!  Ha!)  Since then, Denise has been more than amazing and has gifted me with more encouragement than she'll ever realize and she keeps me laughing with her witty sarcasm.  She has turned me into a superhero, Amethyst, and has written me a beautiful song...A song that I can't imagine being written in any other way.  I never imagined having a song written for/about me - ever - but she did it in the most perfect way, and it's the best gift I've ever received.

Recently I went to Nashville to work on a video project.  Ironically, it is a project I had planned before my picture went viral.  Around June or July I called my friend, Brian, and told him of a video idea I had in mind...A video I've wanted to do for at least a year...and a video in which I wanted tell a part of my story, but also with the ability to use this video to hopefully promote and attract potential speaking opportunities.  

I went to Nashville early in the month of November and I've already seen two cuts of the video.  It looks FANTASTIC.  Brian is incredible at what he does, and it was a joy to work with him and my new friend, Melissa.  Being in front of a camera was a bit awkward for me at times, as I'm use to being behind the camera...but I really enjoyed every moment of this project. 

I'm thankful for the opportunity to take time off work and school so I could travel to Nashville and work on this project.  I'm thankful for cough drops, which were a huge contribution to the creating of this video.   I'm thankful for the patiences of both Melissa and Brian, as well as their encouragement throughout the whole process.  I'm especially thankful to have the chance to work with Christian "video guy" who took the time to pray over the project we were working on, as well as for God to use the video to open more doors to speak to others - whether the door be their computer screens on YouTube, or by me (hopefully) gain more speaking engagements where I can speak and encourage others in-person.

If anyone is looking for a chance to tell their story through video, I highly recommend that you check out his website: www.tekmerion.net  (I've not published my video yet, but I will keep you all updated and share it once I am able.)

My friend Melinda! We are total opposites, which is a beautiful thing...but that's another entry for another day.  (Ha!)  I'm thankful for the many deep conversations that have taken place in my car with this lady, and am thankful for her constant reminders to have faith, to dream big dreams!...That nothing is impossible.

I'm thankful for the ability to dream God-sized dreams, and to be proud to do so!  With God anything is possible - and what's not to be thankful about that?  My dreams are BIG, but my God is even BIGGER.  (I have a whole bulletin board in my room that is dedicated to my God-sized dreams!)

This beautiful lady (Amberly Neese) is one of my mentors, and one of the best speakers I have ever heard.  She's a fantastic speaker, friend, and has one of the biggest gifts of encouragement that I have ever seen.  Earlier in the year I sat down to talk with her, telling her of my God-sized dream to become a public speaker. That same day, and since then, she has taken the time to share her words of wisdom, bits of advice, and encouragement with me.  She was the main speaker at a retreat I did a 20 minute talk at, and I'm so glad that she was there.  With her being my mentor in this area of life, I found it to be more than fitting for her to be there as I spoke to a group of women and hopefully started my speaking career.  I'm thankful for women like her (and Denise) who take the time to really invest in my life like they have done, and for women like them who take the time to really "champion me on" (As in the world of Amberly!) - especially in the last year. 

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Again, this is only a summarized list of the things and people I am thankful for.  If I included everything and everyone, this would easily be the blog that never ends.

Too add to my list, though, I am incredibly thankful for God's strength, guidance, His patience, and protection.  Between random gallbladder surgeries, cruise ships catching on fire, heavy school loads (while working full time), pictures going viral...My life has been crazy busy and adventurous, and I can't imagine living life without my God. 

I don't know what the next year will hold for me, but I'm going to continue to dream my God-sized dreams and dream BIG.  I'm going to continue to be thankful for both the little things, and the big things, on a daily basis.

What are you thankful for??

The Travelin' Chick,

Crystal

Beyond the Stain

The beautiful and talented song writer,
Denise Nicholes!

This weekend I had the joy to attend the California Free Will Baptist Women's Retreat - for my 10th time...and boy, was it a fantastic weekend filled with much needed refreshment and encouragement!

This year's theme was, "Journey to Joy".  A dear friend of mine (and my mentor!), Amberly Neese, was the main speaker for the event.  Although she was the main speaker, I had the honor of being asked to speak for a 20 minute segment during the weekend.

Many of you read my initial post about my photo going viral in my last blog entry,  The Face that went Viral.  I plan to post a follow-up, written, entry on my story soon, but  for now I have decided to post the video of my talk...My talk in which I tell the story verbally, but in addition, the journey to joy that I've experienced - even in the midst of the hardship of the last two months.  (Please keep in mind - it's not a professional video by any means, and it was my first time speaking on the topic.)

(For some reason, not all devices are showing all the videos I'm sharing today.  If you are impacted by this error, I apologize and am working on trying to fix that.  Until then, I'm also including the links.  So, for my personal message/20 minute talk - click here if you cannot see it directly on my blog.)

For those of you wondering, this is the video I had all the ladies watch:

(Please click here if this video doesn't show up directly on my blog.)

After I spoke, and the video was finished, I was surprised when my friend Denise Nicholes (the one who introduced me in the clip) went back to the piano and shared a song that God had given her the lyrics and melody for...a song for my story titled "Beyond the Stain" (my birthmark type is called a port wine stain, and the song was partially inspired by my mom's writing of The Stain). In addition, she even had a video playing in the background with photos from my life as I've grown up.

Instead of showing you the "live" version that I recorded, here is the slideshow and song on video that Denise put together and uploaded to her YouTube account for me:

(If this video isn't showing up directly on your device, please Click Here.)

First off, I have to say - my friend Denise has so much talent and such an amazing skill set, and she is a tremendous blessing!  I'm not even sure how to express how much this song means to me.  As she played it at the retreat, I quite possibly shed a tear or two.   I never expected, or thought, that anyone would ever give me such an incredible gift.  (Seriously, it's one of the best gifts I've ever received.)

Denise captured my story so perfectly with the lyrics and melody, and I can't imagine my story being put any other way in the form of a song...And in a way I can't really explain (yet), this gift has helped bring me a sense of healing.  It has also brought me so much needed encouragement! 

Ever since this whole fiasco started, I have had up and down days - just like I mentioned in my talk.  I've had days wondering if I should change my makeup to hide the birthmark so strangers can meet and see me before they have a chance to see my difference.  I've even become extra anxious about the idea of going out in public after future treatments...Yet, knowing that God gave her a song for me to write, it was as if I were hearing from God directly with Him saying, "Keep going!  You can do this!  Keep telling your story - do not hide who you are.  You have a team of support surrounding you, including people like Denise...but more importantly, I am with you always.  You are not alone.  I'm going to do something great with your story if you continue to be willing to be used."

Thanks to Denise, not only am I a super hero, but I have a theme song that fits perfectly for my life.

I hope you enjoyed the song as much as I have been enjoying it.

Thank you, Denise!!

The Travelin' Chick,

Crystal


PS: If you ever need a speaker for any event - please consider my friend Amberly! She is wonderful. Her website is linked above (if you click on her name in the second paragraph). For a taste of her speaking style, though, check out her YouTube clip as well!

(If the video doesn't show up on your device, Click Here.)

Exchanging the Negative for the Positive

I'm finally starting to feel better from my surgery!
After a long 4 1/2 weeks, I'm almost feeling
100% back to normal!  Yay!  :-)
Thanks to all those who have been praying
for me, who have visited, for all the FB
messages, and for keeping me company!

Even though I posted a few days ago, I'd like to apologize for disappearing for over a month…But I promise I have a valid excuse for my temporary disappearance! ;-)

In my time away I had the last few weeks of school – which included two major projects and finals.  I also had an unexpected adventure that included an ambulance ride to the ER, hospitalization, pancreatitis, and emergency surgery to have my gallbladder removed!  It’s been a busy month, needless to say.

The cool thing is, I had a negative experience with a couple of the nurses while hospitalized.  I know that doesn’t sound “cool” – but I’ll get to that.  Here’s the story of my hospitalization, and why I think my bad experience was a positive one…in the end. 

For the last few months I’ve been struggling with on and off stomach problems.  I went to see a doctor who told me that my issues were more than likely related to a glutton allergy, and then she sent me home.

A few weeks later I had a friend coming to town.  This friend and I lived together as flat mates (aka: roommates) in London and I hadn’t seen her since my time in England…It had been two years!  I was excited about this reunion.

The day before she came, I was having intense stomach pains that I chose to ignore.  Then she came, and I felt mostly okay.

My friend had plans to leave on Monday morning around 9 or 10.  However, at 5:45 am on that Monday morning, I woke up with pain in the middle of my back and feeling nauseous.  I called an advice nurse who made an appointment for me at noon, and left a message at work letting them know I wouldn’t be there that day – all before 6:30.

Before I knew it, the pain was worse.  The pain was so intense I was doubled over and couldn’t straighten my back.  Although I have a high tolerance for pain, I found myself doing the ugly cry.  (Us girls especially know that ugly cry!!  But this ugly cry was definitely uglier than the “PS: I Love You movie ugly cry.)

I woke my mom up around 7:30, who then decided it was best to call for an ambulance.  By about 10:00 I was already diagnosed with the pancreatitis, stuck gallstones, and found my way out of the ER to a room in the hospital for an extended stay.

Here’s where the fun part of the story begins.

I had to wait a couple of days before the doctor could remove my gallbladder.  To have it removed, we had to get my pancreatitis under control…meaning I couldn’t eat or drink anything.  I was only allowed IV fluids.

By the time I was allowed to have surgery, I was feeling okay.  No more intense pain.  No more being doubled over.  No more ugly cry.

The day of the surgery, I decided to shower.  I knew if I didn’t shower then – it’d be a few days before I’d have a chance to shower again.  So, I went to my bathroom to do so.

As I’m undressing out of the hospital gown, my attending nurse flung my door open and entered the room without knocking, or asking if it was okay.

As quickly as possible I caught the gown before it hit the floor, trying to cover myself.  I told her, “Excuse me – I’m trying to get into the shower.”  She said, “Oh, don’t worry – it’s just me.”  Wanting a bit of privacy, and irritated by the unwelcomed intrusion on my preference of modesty, I told her, “I don’t care who you are...whether you’re my mother, or my nurse.  I like privacy.”  Ignoring what I told her, she continued entering my bathroom to do whatever she needed to do, as I stood there trying to stay modest. 

While I recognize she is use to seeing the human body in its natural form, I also know that I’m not use to being in these situations.  I’m not use to others seeing me undressed.  Being hospitalized is not something I do often, and I still craved a bit of dignity in that situation. 

Then, I had my surgery…and the fun continued…with the same nurse.

One of the possibly side affects of having anesthesia is having your bladder “go to sleep”.  While not everyone experiences this, and while I hadn’t experienced this before in previous surgeries, this time I did.

Once awake, I called my nurse in request to go to the bathroom.  She helped me up and I tried to relieve myself, but I couldn’t. 

About an hour or so later, I called my nurse again to request more help.  She came in and told me, “I’m helping another patient right now – I’ll be right back to help you.”  Totally understanding and with patience, I waited.

I waited so long for her to come and assist me that I fell asleep.  By the time I woke up, I was extremely uncomfortable, as I really need to use the restroom.  I was still on IV fluids this whole time – increasing the need to “go” – and I hadn’t gone to the bathroom since before having surgery  (which had been more than a few hours).

Calling her into my room, she finally helped me.  Yet, my bladder was still sleeping.

Due to the side affect of not being able to use the bathroom, they decided it was best to use a catheter until everything started working properly.

My nurse tried and tried to insert the catheter.  If you’ve ever had to get a catheter – you know that this is an uncomfortable experience, physically and mentally.  After about 10 minutes of her trying, I eventually told her, “You need to get someone else to do this.  I can’t do this anymore.  This isn’t working.”  Although I requested her to find help, she continued to try.  I told her again, “No.  I’m serious.  You have to stop and get help.”  Finally, she listened to my request.

When my nurse returned with help, the lady who came to help took one look at me, looked at my nurse, and exclaimed with attitude, “What is THAT on her face?!?”  I’m pretty sure I rolled my eyes or something in reaction to her statement (Yay for pain meds??), as she then asked my nurse with persistent attitude, “Oh.  Is that something she’s had for a while??”

The lady talked about me, in front of me, but not to me.  She ignored the fact that I was there.  She ignored the fact, and forgot, I’m not just “something to look at” that is different.  She forgot that, although I am a patient, I’m also a human.  A person…A person who has feelings, who can hear her comments infused with attitude, and who could see the expression of her face during her reaction.

I know that it’s possible that she may of thought, “Maybe this is a reaction to medication or something else.”  That’s a reasonable possibility that I completely understand. However, the way she went about it was all wrong.  If she had that concern – she should have either asked me about it (kindly), or if she chose to ask the other nurse about it, she shouldn’t have done it in front of me in that shocking manner. 

As the assisting nurse started to help with the catheter, both she and my nurse started calling me by the name of “Carl”.  Thinking I must have misunderstood them the first time or two, I ignored it.  But by the fourth time of them using the name, I spoke up by saying, “Ummm…My name isn’t Carl.”  They replied in shock, “Oh, it’s not???”  I told them (again, remember, I’m on drugs, in a lot of pain, am frustrated, and am a little more blunt at this point), “No.  It’s not.  My name is Crystal.  That would be an ugly girl’s name.”  They told me, “What??  Crystal is a BEAUTIFUL girl’s name!”  Sarcastically I said, “No.  The name you’ve called me about four times – Carl – would be an ugly girl’s name.”

Once the catheter was in, I started to cry.  The whole thing was uncomfortable, I was in pain, and was miserable from surgery.  My nurse then told me, “It’s okay to cry.  I once got a shot and cried too.”

…What???  A catheter and shot are NOT nearly the same thing - at all.

During the rest of my time with that nurse, she would ask me, “What is your pain level?”  I’d tell her, “I’m at an eight right now.”  She would then say, “Oh, so you’re not in any pain?”  Or, another thing she would ask, “Do you want or need any pain medication?”  I would tell her, “Yes, I do.  I’m hurting really badly.”  She then would say, “Okay.  You don’t need any medication??”  I’d then explain, “No.  I do need pain medication!  I’m at an eight on the pain level scale.”

That nurse was an adventure…A frustrating adventure, but an adventure all the same – and a story to tell.

Before I get to the good, positive part, there is another story I need to explain.

Three weeks after surgery my doctor wanted me to have blood work done, making sure all my levels were okay and that the pancreatitis was completely gone.

Walking up to the check-in counter, the lady asked me for my medical record number and to see my ID.  Then she turned our conversation straight to my birthmark.

Instead of asking me about my day, or whatever, she asked me, “What kind of make up do you use to cover your hematoma??”  Mentally, I thought, “Hematoma??  It’s not a hematoma – but I’ll ignore that.”  I told her, “I use Cover Girl.”  She proceeded, “Oh, you should try using Bare Minerals!  It covers things like that really well.  I have a red spot on my nose, and you can’t even tell it’s red – can you??”  I then explained, “No thank you.  I don’t feel the need to hide my birthmark.  Even if it is a little frustrating at times, I figure it gives me a unique way to help and educate people – so why not embrace it?”  She replied, “That’s true.  I guess other people are more bothered by it than someone like you, who has it.”

I really don’t think the lady meant any harm in her statements and recommendation.  Her voice was 100% friendly and had no indication of attitude; unlike many other situations I’ve encountered.  Yet, I still felt bothered.

Going into the hospital to have lab work done, three weeks after surgery, I really don’t want to focus on my birthmark.  That’s not the intention of my visit.

I also did not ask for make up recommendations.  It’d be different if I had asked, “Your make up looks really good!  What brand do you use?” - but I didn’t.

There’s also the issue, especially in a hospital setting, of her assuming I had a hematoma.  In a sense, she was assuming a diagnosis for my birthmark being something different.  And had I tried the make up she mentioned, and had a reaction, the hospital is then liable due to their staff member’s advice.

And personally/mentally?  Her recommendation of changing make up interpreted in my head as, “Here – try this make up so you can hide your face.”…And that hurts.

Some people tell me, “She’s only trying to help”, or “She sees you wear makeup.  Maybe she thought you were trying to hide the birthmark.”  Both are valid thoughts, but my opinion?  There’s nothing to help…and in this day in age, I have a laptop, an iPhone, and I know how to use Wi-Fi access.  I’ve tried other make up.  Ican’t stand them, and choose not to use them for many reasons other than the discomfort and expensive cost of the special brands.  However, even if I hadn’t tried them yet, if I wanted another make up option, I know I can ask friends, go to Macy’s, or Google my options.

Besides, if a woman with curly hair walks up to her counter, does she tell them, “My dear girl – your hair is really curly!  I know of this GREAT hair straightener to help you straighten out that problem.”  She probably doesn’t.  That woman was born with her curly hair…It’s a part of who she is and maybe a part of her signature look – just like my birthmark is a part of me.

If these situations didn't happen on such a regular basis, I probably wouldn't have frustrated with this one…But these situations do start to wear me out, and it's not a good feeling when they happen as often as they do.  When people tell me this situation isn't really a "big deal", I often wonder if they would think and feel the same thing if they wore my shoes for a few days.

Also, in addition, moments like this make me wonder, “Why can’t strangers – whether they be hospital employees or the general public – talk to me about who I am as a person?  Why do they have to bring up the birthmark?  Why not just ask me how my day is going?  About my favorite hobby, or summer plans?  I’m a person – just like them…A person who has so much more depth than the color of her patch of purple skin.  Why do they forget that?”

Even though I don’t think she meant any harm, and overall I feel like I’m a confident person, my concern is – what if the next person this happens to isn’t??  What if they struggle 1,000 times more than I do??  How will it affect their already struggling confidence level?

When I walk into a hospital, I expect to feel safe when talking with hospital employees.  I should feel comfortable.  Employees in a hospital, or even dental setting, should expect “different” people to walk through the door…and while they can wonder if my facial difference is a hematoma or a reaction to medication, they shouldn’t assume that when they address it.  Instead, they should ask, “Is that a hematoma?”  Or, “Do you mind if I ask what causes your face to have a purplish look?” 

Oh, but hey - here’s where the positive part comes in!

While I was still in the hospital, my mom called a hospital manager and made a complaint about the nurses.  She was not my nurse for any more of my time there, and the manager was extremely disappointed about how things took place with her.  While talking with the manager, my mom then casually mentioned, “I’m sure that once my daughter feels better, if you’d like, she’d be more than happy to come and talk with your staff and do a sensitivity training.” 

He was thrilled at the idea and told her he would mention it to his boss.  He liked the idea a lot, but had to receive permission needed to allow me to do this. 

When I told a nurse I really liked about the possibility of doing a sensitivity training, she told me with encouragement, “If you do this and I hear about it – I will be the first one to sign up to attend.”

The same idea was mentioned to another manager in charge of the lab department, and she too is asking for the permission needed for me to come to her department to share about my experiences, about sensitivity, and my patient insight. (I do have to make a note - when talked with the manager of the lab, I did let them know that I don't think their employee meant any harm.  I also pointed out that she also probably didm' realized how what she said could come across - and did come across - and that she spoke with kindness…However, I still believe it was still unprofessional.)

Not only did we have phone conversations with these two managers, but I also had an in-person meeting with a third manager who is also in charge of the hospital department. 

She felt horrible about the whole experience.  The birthmark portion, but also the negative parts unrelated to my birthmark.  She also asked me an unexpected question.

The manager asked me if I would be willing to participate in a hospital committee that consists of hospital leadership, doctors, and a few patients.  She wants me to share my stories with them, and feels that with my age and unique situation, I’d be a value to their committee.  She told me, “I love listening to you talk!  You are inspiring.”

I still have to be voted into their committee and have a background check, but even the possibility of being added in and possibly making a difference excites me.

Many people ask me what hospital all my experiences take place at.  Truthfully?  I know that doesn’t matter.  I hear stories from other people with similar experiences from across the country and world.  These things can happen anywhere, and everywhere – and they do.  And my goal is not to put any hospital down in any way, because I know that won’t accomplish anything.  That wouldn’t be a very impactful strategy while trying to help make a positive change.

These experiences aren’t my first like this in a hospital setting.  For years I’ve been ignoring people’s comments and remarks, choosing not to speak up.

I’ve finally hit that age and point where I’ve decided, “It’s time to take off the ‘I’m frustrated’ hat and time to change it in for a, ‘I’m going to do something about this’ hat instead.”  Within the last year alone, I've had four negative experiences in the same hospital.  (Please read It's Just a Birthmark! for the other stories.)  The thing is – I finally realized that I can make a difference.  I can make an impact.  My voice, my story, can be heard if I just speak up.  Maybe my personal attempt at change will be small, but overtime, maybe a bigger change can be made just by my tiny attempt and step.

When, and if, I really get to go and speak to all the nurses and to the different committees and departments of the hospital, I know that I’m not just raising my own voice.  I’m a representative for everyone who has ever had similar, unnecessary, experiences.  By finally speaking up, hopefully I can make a big enough difference for at least one person…One person who may not get the same negative treatment, just because I am speaking up.

I think this is a reminder from God that He has so many special, and unexpected, plans for my life.  His dreams for me are bigger than my own.  Had you told me two years ago that God would be opening these doors I never knew were possible, I don’t know if I would have believed you.

I’m excited to see where this goes, as even the most ugly situations can become the most beautiful.

The Travelin’ Chick,

Crystal

PS: For those of you who remember that I was hospitalized in Norway back in the summer of 2012, my doctors told me that more than likely, it was my gallbladder giving me problems then too.  Mystery solved??  (You can read Beautiful Norway on that story.  It's much shorter than this entry.)

I Look Just Fine (I am Beautiful)

This is with the special makeup on.  We didn't use the extra
thick stuff I had used in the past, but it is stronger than the
average brands you can buy at Target.  The lady also did
some "lip work", trying to balance out lack of symmetry.
(At my request, since I was curious to see how it would
look.)  What do you think?  In person it looks a little different.
Not sure how it looks in photos to others, since I can always
easily see the birthmark regardless of any type of makeup.

Earlier this week I was having a discussion with my ASL interpreting teacher.   My teacher is great.  I've really enjoyed his class and have learned a lot about my future career choice.

For the first time in in the two months of knowing each other, we held a one-on-one in-depth discussion, taking place several minutes before class was suppose to start.  We chatted as we asked each other questions, shared stories, and got to know one another a little better.

As we were chatting, I quickly said something in reference to my birthmark (it fit into our discussion).  Looking at me with a confused expression, he asked me, "What birthmark?"  Internally, I was thinking, "What??  This guy is one of the most observant people I've ever met. How does he not see it??"  Instead of saying what I was thinking, I responded, "You know…The one on my face."  With a wrinkled forehead of continued genuine confusion, he told me, "Oh.  I don't even see it."

I was caught off guard by his statement, yet refreshed that some people don't instantly see what I see daily through people's stares and comments.  I am use to people I've known for a long time, or who see me on a regular basis, saying that they can no longer see my birthmark…as though their eyes are immune to my difference.  I've only known my teacher for a couple of months, yet from the beginning, he hadn't taken notice to it even once.  Instantly after meeting me, he saw me as me…as a person…going deeper than my physical appearance, and not just as who I may appear to be.

Little did I know, later in the week I would meet someone with very opposite visual attention and opinions.

For Christmas I was surprised with backstage passes to for an upcoming Lady Antebellum concert.  I already knew I was going, but had nooooo idea that my parents and aunt Felicia went the extra mile to get the special passes.  With the backstage passes, Felicia and I get to attend pre-concert, we get to meet the band, and we have front row seats…Pretty cool, right??   I am SO ready for March 16^th!!

This week I received a phone call about scheduling my next laser treatment.  Not really thinking about the concert, I scheduled my treatment for March 10^th…Just 6 days before the concert.

I realized the dilemma of my and schedule conflict yesterday morning.  Sure, the concert and treatment are nearly a week a part, but my face will still be much darker – and possibly a little swollen.  Although I’m technically allowed to wear makeup just 3 days after the treatment, it’s uncomfortable and is a little painful for me.  It usually takes me a few extra days to feel comfortable putting any source foundation on.

Thinking about the concert I realized I have three options:

1.     Reschedule the laser treatment and go on a later day, after the concert.

2.     Have the treatment, wear my normal makeup to the concert, and go with my face still looking darker than the usual.

3.     Buy special makeup that helps cover birthmarks, and hope that tones the coloring down.

I’m really looking forward to this concert.  In reality, who cares what other concert attenders think if my face looks a little off than its usual??  Who cares what the Grammy award-winning band thinks??  Yet, while I know it doesn’t matter, I still want to look my best when I meet one of my favorite musical groups.

I think I’ve mentioned (very briefly) in one of my blogs about special makeup that has been created for people like me, with birthmarks, or even others with dark scars and burn marks.  I tried it when I was about 9, but disliked it.  It was so thick that it made my skin feel like it couldn’t breathe.  I tried it again when I was a little older, but still didn’t like it.  At the time when I tried it, I wasn’t even wearing “normal” makeup.  (I didn’t start to wear average makeup until I was done with high school at the age of 17.)  Going from no make-up and my natural look to special, thick makeup wasn’t really my cup of tea.

Since it has been 10 years or so since last trying the special makeup, and we had to go to a department store today anyway, I was curious.  I asked mom if we could look at the special makeup while we were there.

Arriving to the make-up counter a lady, Jackie**, offered to assist me.  I asked, “Do you guys have the makeup that helps people with birthmarks?”  She told me that they did and that she would be more than happy to assist me.  She went and found some as she started to sample some on my face.

The whole experience was a little more overwhelming than I expected. 

Before beginning the sampling process, I explained to the lady that I scheduled to have a treatment on my birthmark right before a big concert held by one of my favorite bands…where I get to meet the famous artists.  I explained that I’m quite content with my usual makeup.  However, my birthmark will look much darker after the treatment and I was just looking for something to assist in “toning the darkness down”.

I don’t think the lady quite understood what I was saying.

Jackie repeatedly saying certain phrases that really bothered me.  One being, “To hide the birthmark…”

To hide the birthmark?  I kept reminding her time and time again, “My goal isn’t to hide my birthmark.   I’m content with how it usually looks.  I’m just trying to make the treatment less noticeable by toning down the darker coloring.  This makeup isn’t something I’m going to use on a day-to-day basis – at all.”  She still didn’t seem to get it, as she continued to talk about hiding my birthmark.

Side view.

She used other phrases that really got under my skin.  She would say things like,  “Doesn’t that look better now??”  or, “Now that looks good.”   On occasion she would say, "See?  With her hair down, you can't even see it anymore." 

What??  It  “now” looks better??  “Now” I look good?…who cares if you can see it??

 Lady: I looked just fine before I met you.    

You might say I’m being extra sensitive in how I took what she was saying.  You might say I was taking what she was saying in the wrong way.  Had you been there, had you heard the full context of our whole 45 minutes conversation, and how she kept emphasizing certain phrases, you would understand why I started feeling overwhelmed.  My mom was also becoming agitated.  (Also to note, she kept talking and directing most of the conversation to my mother.  Even when she was talking about me, or asking for an opinion, she would talk to my mom instead of me – the customer.  It was as though all she saw was my birthmark, and that I as a person was completely invisible.)

I kept trying to counteract things she’d say by emphasizing the purpose of just wanting to tone down the after-treatment coloring.  I would tell her again and again that I’m confident with how I look, and by replying with things like, “I’m not trying to hide it – that’s not my desire at all.  I’m content with how I normally look.”

Yet, she kept using phrases that indicating that my birthmark was something to hide.  Something to be ashamed of…that it was something that made me less beautiful than other girls without one on their cheeks.

Jackie may be a skilled makeup artist, but she was not skilled at listening to me, her customer.  Socially speaking, she was not very artistically skilled when she addressed me or my mother.

I looked just fine before meet her.  I didn’t – and still don’t - want to hide my birthmark.

At one point I started to feel a little emotional.  I felt tears threatening to build a well within my eyes.  With her overuse of phrases I tried to steer her away from, I was bothered.  I felt a little hurt.

Obviously it hurt when her words started to feel like she was indicating I didn’t look “fine” (or in other words, beautiful) when I walked in and without the sampled makeup.  Her words temporarily hurt me personally.  But what hurt me even more??  Realizing that she saw people with unique features like mine as less beautiful, as though they – or we - have something to hide.  Her definition of beauty seemed to be negatively skewed.

How much in life has Jackie missed out on because of her view and definition of beauty?  How many people has she missed the chance on getting to know because she became distracted by and focused on their physical appearance, instead of focusing on their internal beauty?  In regards to beauty, how does Jackie even see herself??

My mom did point out that the lady probably meets many women who have the goal of hiding different physical traits about themselves.  She's probably use to meeting unhappy and insecure women.  In her job, Jackie is probably accustomed to helping people who lack a certain kind of confidence and is accustom to working with people who aren't content.  I am probably in the minority of those that she has met with the attitude of, "I'm happy as I am!"

"You are extraordinary.  There is no one in this world
quite like you.  You are as unique as your
fingerprints, as unique as each beautiful
snowflake that falls from a fresh winter's sky."

As a photographer, I see beauty in everyone that I meet.  I see beauty in those who often don’t see beauty within themselves.  I see the beauty in their physical appearance, but I also see that their beauty goes much deeper than that.  I see the beauty in their personalities, lives, jobs, and uniquely individual stories.  I see beauty in the way they interact with their families, in the way they smile and laugh.  I see beauty in their hearts…in their existence as God has created them to be.

I’m not yet sure what I’ll decide on about the makeup and the scheduling of my laser treatment.  (And really, I don't even know how many more treatments I'll decide to undergo.)  I’ll probably call my doctor’s office on Monday and see what is available after the concert, attending it 100% as myself.

Either way…Although the lady’s consistent comments momentarily stung a bit, I knew and still know that I am perfectly fine as I am.  I'm not going to change how I see and define myself because of one person's remarks that were made within just minutes of meeting me…Comments made by someone who wouldn't even take the time to get to know me, or even talk to me directly.

I am beautiful – with or without my birthmark….with or without that makeup.  (Makeup can be fun, but a little foundation on my cheeks can't be, and isn't, the foundation of my true beauty.)  My beauty runs so much deeper than what she chose to see…and that’s her loss.  I don't need her to validate my beauty - internally or externally. I am so much more than my birthmark.  I am more than the mark on my skin.  I am beautiful.  

For those of you wondering about your value…wondering if you’re beautiful…please know, you are extraordinary.  There is no one in this world quite like you.  You are as unique as your fingerprints, as unique as each beautiful snowflake that falls from a fresh winter's sky.  You are you – and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  Please don't let others, the photoshopped magazine ads, or more importantly -  yourself and your internal dialogue -  knock you down or take away your confidence and self-esteem. 

You are beautiful.  It's time to embrace yourself as you are…to embrace your beauty.

The (Beautiful) Travelin’ Chick,

Crystal

**Name has been changed.