Beyond Thankful

While I know most people are posting what they're most thankful for on Facebook, last year I enjoyed writing my list here on my blog - including photos to go with my list.  I think I'm going to make it a personal tradition to blog a summarized list every year.

So...What am I thankful for this year??  

The ability to travel.  Everyone knows I can't sit still for long.  This year I travelled to: Alaska, Seattle, Portland, Canada, and Nashville.  It was my first year in a long time to not hop on a plane to go overseas, but that's okay.  I really enjoyed exploring all the sites and these locations had to offer - and had a GREAT time while visiting each of them!

My job.  I love my job, and many people can't say that.  I'm thankful that I was able to move up from being a noontime assistant ("yard duty teacher") to a substitute teacher's aid.  But even in being a substitute teacher's aid, I've been placed at a school long-term...and I love it there.  The staff are incredible, the teacher's are kind, and I have the chance to use my language skill set with American Sign Language.  Every week I'm there, the more personal and language growth I see in my life.  (How does this picture of a post-it note relate to my job?  My job has loads of funny moments.  Loads and loads!!...Including this one, which I wrote on a post-it note for the teacher I was working with at the time.)

My beautiful mother!  This is one lady I'll never stop being thankful for.  Ever.  

She goes to work, takes care of my dad, is my sounding board, coordinates a women's retreat, constantly cracks the corniest of jokes, and she even makes me dinner on nights she knows I'm out late because of school.  She balances a lot, and I'm thankful for the Godly example she has been in my life.  I'm thankful that she's not just my mom, but my friend.

Donuts.  I'm thankful for donuts.  Many of you may not know this, but donuts are my weakness.  While in Portland this summer, I spent over 30 minutes in line waiting for one of the city's hot spots for the sweet pastries...and it was worth it!  For years I have been telling my mom on my birthday, "Please don't get me a cake...I would like some donuts instead."  It may seem silly, but I really am thankful for one of my all-time favorite snacks!

My little sister, BreAnna.  She's the best little sister a girl could ask for.  She keeps me laughing ALL of the time, and I enjoy all of our conversations.   We have the best sleepovers and enjoyed tackling our summer bucket lists together this year. BreAnna has brought more encouragement to my life than I can even explain, and I only hope that I can encourage her as much as she has encouraged me. 

My 4-year-old cousin, Rayna.  This kid keeps me laughing every time I see her.  Last night at dinner she kept telling me that she and I are best friends, and how she just couldn't wait to come to my house for Thanksgiving Day.  This morning when she woke up, apparently she told her daddy that today was a "Crystal day" - so she couldn't play with him.  She could only play with me.  When she arrived, she instantly requested that I sit next to her for lunch, where we had the following conversation:

"Crystal, I love family dinners!" - Rayna

"Yeah?? Me too! Why do you love family dinners?" - Me

"Because I get to see YOU!! And I LOVE spending time with you." - Rayna

My new baby cousin, Erica!!  Rayna is now a big sister!...Isn't she cute??  I'm thankful for every chance I get to have to hold her...Especially since the line to do so is always so long! (Ha!) She's adorable, and quite possibly the squeakiest baby I have ever met.  Who wouldn't be thankful for a chance to snuggle with such an adorable baby??  (Side note: I'm also incredibly thankful for the aunt that gave me these two snuggly and playful cousins to adore!)

The support I've experienced since finding out about my Facebook fiasco of my photo going viral.  Wow.  Talk about a powerful amount of encouragement!!  I know I've not blogged much since my initial entry about the situation, but I promise to write more soon about everything.  I can't deny it - the last few months have been a crazy roller coaster ride, and one that isn't quite finished yet...But WOW.  When I made my first post on Facebook about what happened - and then blogged about it - the support has been off the charts.  During a really hard day, I recently had a friend/mentor tell me something along the lines of, "Look at all the support you have!!  As I watch your blog and Facebook page, you've had more support with this one issue alone than I've ever had in my many years of ministry."  And it's true.  I've had a LOT of support, and I cannot give enough thanks for this as this crazy, unexpected journey unfolds.

Not only am I thankful for the support I've received, I'm also thankful for all the encouragement.  (Although, I do realize that these practically go hand in hand.)  Since the Facebook Fiasco started, I've received message after message from friends and strangers alike.  I heard from many of my 1,550 Facebook friends, plus others I've never met from around the world.  I have heard from people with the same type of birthmark that I have, from people who have a child who has what I have, and from people who didn't know what a Port Wine Stain was until they clicked on my blog, or read the article the Fresno Bee wrote on my story. 

The encouraging messages I have received have been such a blessing, and an unexpected surprise.  While I knew some people would message me, I didn't expect such a high number of emailed support.  Like I mentioned above, this has been a roller coaster ride I need to write about again later, but without the encouragement I have received - I know this journey would have been 100,000x harder than it has been.

On the days when I've allowed myself to become distracted by the discouragement of my situation, I've had so many of you tell me, "I just know God is going to do something great with your story!!  I know it!!"  So thank you.  Thank you for lifting me up when I have struggled and been down. Thank you for following my story, sharing it, emailing me, praying for me, and for encouraging me in all the different ways you have all had a part in.  I know many of you are rooting for the plans and story God has for my life, and I appreciate it!

                        

I've known Denise all my life, but she and I have only moved past the life-time acquaintance phase to a full, good, friendship in the last year and a half...And for this, I am beyond thankful!!   In September of 2013, Denise was the worship leader of a women's retreat my mom coordinates.  During the retreat, I had the chance to get to know her a little bit.  Wanting to get to know her better I later requested to meet for Starbucks.  (Which, it turns out, neither one of us likes coffee!  Ha!)  Since then, Denise has been more than amazing and has gifted me with more encouragement than she'll ever realize and she keeps me laughing with her witty sarcasm.  She has turned me into a superhero, Amethyst, and has written me a beautiful song...A song that I can't imagine being written in any other way.  I never imagined having a song written for/about me - ever - but she did it in the most perfect way, and it's the best gift I've ever received.

Recently I went to Nashville to work on a video project.  Ironically, it is a project I had planned before my picture went viral.  Around June or July I called my friend, Brian, and told him of a video idea I had in mind...A video I've wanted to do for at least a year...and a video in which I wanted tell a part of my story, but also with the ability to use this video to hopefully promote and attract potential speaking opportunities.  

I went to Nashville early in the month of November and I've already seen two cuts of the video.  It looks FANTASTIC.  Brian is incredible at what he does, and it was a joy to work with him and my new friend, Melissa.  Being in front of a camera was a bit awkward for me at times, as I'm use to being behind the camera...but I really enjoyed every moment of this project. 

I'm thankful for the opportunity to take time off work and school so I could travel to Nashville and work on this project.  I'm thankful for cough drops, which were a huge contribution to the creating of this video.   I'm thankful for the patiences of both Melissa and Brian, as well as their encouragement throughout the whole process.  I'm especially thankful to have the chance to work with Christian "video guy" who took the time to pray over the project we were working on, as well as for God to use the video to open more doors to speak to others - whether the door be their computer screens on YouTube, or by me (hopefully) gain more speaking engagements where I can speak and encourage others in-person.

If anyone is looking for a chance to tell their story through video, I highly recommend that you check out his website: www.tekmerion.net  (I've not published my video yet, but I will keep you all updated and share it once I am able.)

My friend Melinda! We are total opposites, which is a beautiful thing...but that's another entry for another day.  (Ha!)  I'm thankful for the many deep conversations that have taken place in my car with this lady, and am thankful for her constant reminders to have faith, to dream big dreams!...That nothing is impossible.

I'm thankful for the ability to dream God-sized dreams, and to be proud to do so!  With God anything is possible - and what's not to be thankful about that?  My dreams are BIG, but my God is even BIGGER.  (I have a whole bulletin board in my room that is dedicated to my God-sized dreams!)

This beautiful lady (Amberly Neese) is one of my mentors, and one of the best speakers I have ever heard.  She's a fantastic speaker, friend, and has one of the biggest gifts of encouragement that I have ever seen.  Earlier in the year I sat down to talk with her, telling her of my God-sized dream to become a public speaker. That same day, and since then, she has taken the time to share her words of wisdom, bits of advice, and encouragement with me.  She was the main speaker at a retreat I did a 20 minute talk at, and I'm so glad that she was there.  With her being my mentor in this area of life, I found it to be more than fitting for her to be there as I spoke to a group of women and hopefully started my speaking career.  I'm thankful for women like her (and Denise) who take the time to really invest in my life like they have done, and for women like them who take the time to really "champion me on" (As in the world of Amberly!) - especially in the last year. 

-----------------------------------------

Again, this is only a summarized list of the things and people I am thankful for.  If I included everything and everyone, this would easily be the blog that never ends.

Too add to my list, though, I am incredibly thankful for God's strength, guidance, His patience, and protection.  Between random gallbladder surgeries, cruise ships catching on fire, heavy school loads (while working full time), pictures going viral...My life has been crazy busy and adventurous, and I can't imagine living life without my God. 

I don't know what the next year will hold for me, but I'm going to continue to dream my God-sized dreams and dream BIG.  I'm going to continue to be thankful for both the little things, and the big things, on a daily basis.

What are you thankful for??

The Travelin' Chick,

Crystal

Beyond the Stain

The beautiful and talented song writer,
Denise Nicholes!

This weekend I had the joy to attend the California Free Will Baptist Women's Retreat - for my 10th time...and boy, was it a fantastic weekend filled with much needed refreshment and encouragement!

This year's theme was, "Journey to Joy".  A dear friend of mine (and my mentor!), Amberly Neese, was the main speaker for the event.  Although she was the main speaker, I had the honor of being asked to speak for a 20 minute segment during the weekend.

Many of you read my initial post about my photo going viral in my last blog entry,  The Face that went Viral.  I plan to post a follow-up, written, entry on my story soon, but  for now I have decided to post the video of my talk...My talk in which I tell the story verbally, but in addition, the journey to joy that I've experienced - even in the midst of the hardship of the last two months.  (Please keep in mind - it's not a professional video by any means, and it was my first time speaking on the topic.)

(For some reason, not all devices are showing all the videos I'm sharing today.  If you are impacted by this error, I apologize and am working on trying to fix that.  Until then, I'm also including the links.  So, for my personal message/20 minute talk - click here if you cannot see it directly on my blog.)

For those of you wondering, this is the video I had all the ladies watch:

(Please click here if this video doesn't show up directly on my blog.)

After I spoke, and the video was finished, I was surprised when my friend Denise Nicholes (the one who introduced me in the clip) went back to the piano and shared a song that God had given her the lyrics and melody for...a song for my story titled "Beyond the Stain" (my birthmark type is called a port wine stain, and the song was partially inspired by my mom's writing of The Stain). In addition, she even had a video playing in the background with photos from my life as I've grown up.

Instead of showing you the "live" version that I recorded, here is the slideshow and song on video that Denise put together and uploaded to her YouTube account for me:

(If this video isn't showing up directly on your device, please Click Here.)

First off, I have to say - my friend Denise has so much talent and such an amazing skill set, and she is a tremendous blessing!  I'm not even sure how to express how much this song means to me.  As she played it at the retreat, I quite possibly shed a tear or two.   I never expected, or thought, that anyone would ever give me such an incredible gift.  (Seriously, it's one of the best gifts I've ever received.)

Denise captured my story so perfectly with the lyrics and melody, and I can't imagine my story being put any other way in the form of a song...And in a way I can't really explain (yet), this gift has helped bring me a sense of healing.  It has also brought me so much needed encouragement! 

Ever since this whole fiasco started, I have had up and down days - just like I mentioned in my talk.  I've had days wondering if I should change my makeup to hide the birthmark so strangers can meet and see me before they have a chance to see my difference.  I've even become extra anxious about the idea of going out in public after future treatments...Yet, knowing that God gave her a song for me to write, it was as if I were hearing from God directly with Him saying, "Keep going!  You can do this!  Keep telling your story - do not hide who you are.  You have a team of support surrounding you, including people like Denise...but more importantly, I am with you always.  You are not alone.  I'm going to do something great with your story if you continue to be willing to be used."

Thanks to Denise, not only am I a super hero, but I have a theme song that fits perfectly for my life.

I hope you enjoyed the song as much as I have been enjoying it.

Thank you, Denise!!

The Travelin' Chick,

Crystal


PS: If you ever need a speaker for any event - please consider my friend Amberly! She is wonderful. Her website is linked above (if you click on her name in the second paragraph). For a taste of her speaking style, though, check out her YouTube clip as well!

(If the video doesn't show up on your device, Click Here.)

The Face that went Viral

All my life I’ve had to swim upstream against the world constantly telling that I am not beautiful enough. I’m not beautiful enough to walk into a restaurant without disgust-filled, wide-eyed stares. I’m not beautiful enough to walk into a store without degrading marks from strangers…Strangers who forget I have eyes that can see their never ending gaze, and ears that can hear their hurtful words.

People often forget that I’m more than a girl with a facial difference. They forget I’m more than just my face - I’m more than just a birthmark. They forget I’m more than something to stare at with their wide eyes and open jaws. People forget that I have a name.

My goal is not to indorse or promote this Facebook group,
hence blurring their name, link, and logo.  My only goal is to
tell my story and respond to the situation.

My name is Crystal. I love to travel the world, capturing beautiful moments with my camera, pen, and journal, in hand.  I'm a baker (creme brûlée will be my next challenge!), a Jamba Juice addict, and future American Sign Language Interpreter.

I'm someone who has experienced tremendous joys, but also gut-wrenching sorrows. I’ve swam with dolphins, adventurously lived overseas, but I have also experienced the loss of my baby niece and have watched my mother take care of my father in his poor health.  I am more than the mark on my skin.

There is so much more depth to who I am than the appearance of my face…But people forget that. It’s a rarity when I go a day out in public without one person who stares at me, one person who makes a rude remark…treating me as though I am only half a person because of half my face.

In the past I’ve been told by (adult) strangers that I must have skin cancer, that there is something wrong with me, and that it’s not really a birthmark. Strangers have persisted that I should have surgery to “fix” my face, even after I tried to educate them by explaining that it’s not that simple – and I’m happy with who I am, how I am. Others have told me that I must be courageous, for if they were me – they’d never even leave their house. Sometimes I can’t even drive my car across town without nosey eyes invading my personal space with their prolonged, demeaning stares.

Just like millions of other people, I have a birthmark. Mine just happens to be on my face.

The birthmark I have is called a Port Wine Stain. Three of every 1,000 people are born with this kind of birthmark and they are most commonly found on the face and neck.

Instead of being the typical skin-deep birthmark, mine goes all the way to my brain as it is caused by extra blood vessels. If people look in my ears, down my throat, and in my nose, there is an obvious color difference. (Not that I usually go around asking people to look up my nose. Apparently that’s socially unacceptable…Even in California.) My left upper lip is also affected in color, and in size, as well as my left cheek…Even my bone structure is different on the side with the birthmark! (But it’s kind of cool…It’s similar to a mood ring as it changes colors with the temperatures of the day. People always known I’m cold before I even say a word!)

Doctors warned my parents that I could possibly have seizures within the first 24 hours of my life. If I did, I’d have them for the rest of my life. I’ve been incredibly blessed that this has not been an effect of my birthmark and I’ve never experienced a seizure. However, my birthmark does effect my teeth, gums, and my eye.  I'm also still at risk of later developing epilepsy later in my life so my doctors and I closely monitor the blood vessels around my brain with an MRI ever few years.

Due to the extra blood vessels, I have extra blood pressure in my eye causing an 80-year-old disease called glaucoma. From the age of 8-years-old, I’ve had to live with and accept fact that my left eye could possibly go blind one day in my distant future…as well as administer eye drops to my eye twice a day. Every few years I also have to have MRIs to make sure that none of the extra blood vessels have expanded to cause any damage to my brain.

How I normally look - with basic,
inexpensive, everyday makeup
from one of the best places
ever created: Target.  Often people
recommend that I switch makeup
brands because they, "hide things
like that better".  I don't feel the
need to hide who I am under expensive
brands of makeup that smoother my
skin.  I don't  feel the need to hide who I am
to make others more comfortable.  My
birthmark gives me a unique opportunity
to help educate others.  Why not use it?

About every 2-3 months I also have laser treatments on my birthmark. I’ve had close to 42 treatments throughout my lifetime. As a child I was allowed to sleep through them, but now I’m awake while the doctors “beam me up”.  (You can see some videos that have been taken at previous treatments if you click here.)

The laser’s job is basically to go in through my skin and to burst the excess blood vessels. For two week to a month my face is a darker color than usual. To give you an idea of the discoloration, the picture at the beginning of this blog that went viral was taken just 20 minutes after approximately 260 individual laser pulses and does not represent how I look on a normal basis.

Without the treatments, my birthmark is at risk of getting darker with age. Without the treatments, the blood vessels can grow, causing my skin to harden, become a pebble-stone-like texture, and bleed at random whenever it wants. After every treatment my birthmark is lightened, which I guess is a perk, but also not the reason I do them. The main reason I have the painful treatments is so I can be proactive in preventing future medical complications. Once the damage is done, there’s no undoing it…and I want to avoid that possible route if I can. (For those wondering, yes, these treatments hurt. The more pulses they do the more it hurts. Praise the Lord for the numbing cream I wear beforehand to help dull the painful shock of the laser!)

No matter how many treatments I have and even if my birthmark becomes undetectable to the naked eye, I will always have my birthmark.  My cheek will always look swollen and my features asymmetrical.  I will always have glaucoma in my left eye.  The extra blood vessels will still go deep into my brain, and I will still have to have touch-up treatments when/if it darkens as I age.

To add to my story...This week, my face went viral on Facebook.

My face going viral on Facebook was never a goal of mine, nor was it anything on my bucket list. This wasn't something I planned or decided to do, it was something that was decided without me - completely without my knowledge or consent.

To sum it up: A group on Facebook with nearly 2 million followers has been using a photo of mine without my knowledge or consent - a photo that I took (just a selfie!) barely 20 minutes after a painful laser treatment on my facial birthmark. In addition to using my photo, they added text that says, "1 Like = Beautiful"...as well as their personal logo. My name and permission were not included in this process, nor was my story, a link to my blog or website.

Since the original post, my photo has received over 1,800 comments, nearly 400 shares, and almost 25,000 likes.

No, I'm not kidding.

I didn't know about this until Monday afternoon, after arriving home from my math class. A friend sent me the link saying they saw my face in someone else's newsfeed and the photo already had over 14,000 likes within the first 8 hours of it being posted.

Boy, have I been in shock! All week I've been going through many emotions. I've been going back and forth between denial, anger, frustration, to "this can become something positive!"...just to name a few of my emotions and thoughts.

It angers me to know that someone took my situation for their personal gain. It angers me that they took a specific photo...a photo that shows how I look only 2 weeks out of every 2-3 months...without sharing the background and ongoing story with it. It angers me that they never even asked for my permission.

And overall?? The whole situation has hurt. It has made me feel icky all week. (I work with 4-year-olds...Icky is the best word I can think of right now.)

Those who know me know that I am 100% open about my facial difference. They know I blog about my story on a regular basis...the cause of my birthmark, what can happen if I don't have laser treatments, the struggles (emotionally, physically, and mentally), the stories in regards to specific situations/interactions I have with people, and about my treatments, etc.

This is how I look without makeup.  I am
constantly going out without applying
foundation and powder to my skin.  I've
always had the mindset of, "while makeup
is a nice luxury, I always want to be
comfortable in my own, natural, skin.  I
never want to feel as though I have to
wear makeup to feel beautiful."  Makeup can
be fun, but a little foundation on my cheeks can't be,
and isn't, the foundation of my beauty.

I don't mind my story getting out there, as that's actually a part of my life's goal...But what I don't want?? I don't want my photo to go viral without the story being told. I want people to know my story - but not with the purpose of gaining sympathy. I want my story to be known in attempts of educating other people, and in hopes of motivating a cultural change in how "different" people are treated.

I've taken my story and blogged about it openly. Trying to take some recent negative situations and create something positive out of them, I do sensitivity trainings in hospitals.  I also talk to different classrooms at a local elementary school in hopes of teaching children how to be curious in a kind way and to allow them to ask their questions they may have.  (You can read more in detail about my hospital situations here and more in detail about speaking to the children at schools here.)  One day I hope to do a TED Talk as well as be a speaker for Women of Faith. I even have a few book ideas based around my difference and I’m hoping a publishing company will invest an interest one day in the future. (I've always been a big dreamer!)

But this whole thing of my face going viral on FB without consent??...It makes me feel awful on so many levels.

A part of me feels as though, while some of the "likes" are probably genuine in their thoughts of my beauty. But a part of me also feels as though they're 25,000 sympathy likes...and I've never been one who needs pity.

I don't need 25,000 strangers to validate who I am, or my beauty. I don't need help from the Internet and strangers behind their screens to tell me that I'm beautiful. Just because I have a facial difference doesn't automatically mean that I lack confidence, or think that I'm "ugly". In fact, while I've had my up-and-down days, that's never been a big struggle of mine. If I don't need to be validated by strangers, then why does the world feel that it needs to do that instead??

I've always known I'm slightly physically different, but until Monday, I never realized I was different enough to inspire such a viral meme.

Many friends of mine have recommended that I shouldn't read the 1,800+ comments that have been left in reaction to my photo. However, while I appreciate the advice, strangers comment on my birthmark all the time. It's a daily thing to have a stranger approach me in a store, or to stare at me across the room of a restaurant. What's the difference between listening to constant remarks, verses reading them?? That being said - I spent over an hour going through every comment and every share that was posted.

Going into it, I knew I had to read them with a dose of humor…and I’ve had a LOT of laughs while reading some of the responses. The majority of the comments have surprisingly been positive while others caused laughter as I knew I couldn't take them too seriously.

The names of those who left the comments aren't important.  Some of these comments are ones I've heard before, while many are ones that are new.  They've ranged from people telling me that they wished they were purple as well and there was one who wrote a post asking God to remove the "evil" from my face...followed by an "lol" (which this one is ironic, as I've never prayed for God to remove my birthmark).  Some stated that they are glad that we don't get into heaven by looks alone, and someone even posted that they wonder how old I am as the photo has been on there for years...even though I only took the photo within the last year or two and the shared date clearly marks this last Monday.  They've also said that my birthmark will fade with age (it won't), that a doctor can help me, and people have given makeup advice.  But most have said I'm beautiful, they're jealous of my unique color scheme, and that it's the inside that counts.  (Although, I have to add - it's interesting as to how many people have said, "God doesn't create junk"...Am wondering where that 'trendy' one even originated from, and why.)

I'm more than these "likes", "shares", and comments.  My worth, story, beauty, and value are so much deeper than what happens in the digital world - and I firmly believe that for everyone in the world.  The amounts of "likes" we have on Facebook or the amount of followers we have on Twitter do not define us.  We're all different in our own ways - whether our differences are visible or not.  But more than that?  We're all beautiful and special in our own ways.  We are more than the pixels that people see on their screens, and we can't allow others to make us believe otherwise.  We are all fantastic and brilliantly created just the way we are meant to be!!

I hope to have chances to be heard as I try to raise my own voice, but also represent the voices of many others who endure similar, unnecessary, experiences...people who may not have the confidence or ability to speak up. Some of my experiences are painful and they often sting - just like this week’s. However, even the most ugly and hurtful situations can develop into the most beautiful and unique story.

My response

Often I feel as though God is telling me, “I can take these ugly experiences and help them become beautiful if you allow me to use you. You have so much potential as I have much bigger plans for your life than what you could ever even imagine. There is more beauty in your life than you’ll ever know.” (Like my favorite verse, Jeremiah 29:11.)

Sure, having a birthmark that covers half my face can be a challenge. I have my good days, and I have days where I sometimes struggle…whether it is with strangers or with personal, internal, battles. Either way – I feel it’s an extraordinary opportunity to reach out to others in hopes of educating them, possibly making a small difference in the world…and I think that, alone, is a beautiful thing. Why not embrace it?

But hey...The positive part of this whole crazy experience?  My dating pool has probably grown from a small fishbowl to an ocean full of fish.

The Travelin' and Facebook Viral Chick,

Crystal


PS: For those interested, this is the original entry where in which photo came from.  And if you'd like to hear about my mother's journey of having a child with a physical difference, check out her brilliantly written entry, The Stain.


******UPDATE: Since posting this blog 2 weeks ago, I've come to learn that my image has been shared in at least 5 different Facebook times, going viral at least 16 times - that I know of. One group has 30 MILLION followers.  In that specific group, my photo has over 256,000 "likes", 1,000 shares, and over 13,000 comments.  This has not been a one time thing...And it inspires me even more to get my story out there.*********

Dramatic Nerves

Have you ever had plans to travel somewhere, but the night before your big trip, you can't sleep?  You can't sleep possibly because you're extremely excited, stressed because there are still a million things to do before you leave, or because you are nervous about your upcoming adventure...Or you have a mixture of all three options!

That's pretty much how I feel tonight.  Yet, I'm not traveling on a big trip.

Tomorrow afternoon is the day when I'll be going to the hospital to share my story their lab department employees.  I'll be able to share my story in regards to my birthmark while doing a little bit of "sensitivity training".

I'm really excited to have such a unique opportunity to educate others, and to hopefully allow them to have a better understanding of what it's like to be in my shoes - or in the shoes of anyone with a visible, physical, difference.  But I'm also incredibly nervous.

I feel as though I've done a lot of public speaking for my age.  I've spoken at churches to raise money for mission trips, to share about missions, I've taken a speech class, and I've shared about my birthmark to K-6th graders.

I always get a little nervous every time I speak somewhere - but not quite like this.

All week I've been trying to figure out the perfect thing to say tomorrow afternoon.  Or, technically, this afternoon since it is currently 2 in the morning.  My "lecture" of sorts will be taking place in a little less than 11 hours, and yet it was only tonight when I finally figured out what exactly I want to say...And I know I still need to make some changes in the morning.

So why am I nervous??

I think I kind of freaked myself out earlier this week.


While thinking about my upcoming lecture at the hospital, I had a big realization.  Yes, I am use to speaking in public and I love doing that.  Yeah, I blog and Facebook about my birthmark experiences on a daily basis.  I even share with people I meet when the opportunity comes up!

When I speak tomorrow, though, some of the people who have said hurtful things and who have victimized me will be there.

(Let me clarify - I really dislike using the word "victimized" in these situations, yet it's the best I can come up with.  I don't like to think of myself as a victim, but in a sense, I guess that's kind of what I am in some situations due to the way others treat me.)

Those who have said hurtful things in the recent past will be there.

The good thing is, I'm not sure I'll be able to recognize those who have treated me in an ill manner in the past.  I don't generally focus on memorizing their faces and names, just the stories.

And although this whole sensitivity lecture is a chance to have my story told, to give them a better understanding of what is acceptable and what is not acceptable, I don't want to come across as though I'm intentionally attacking those who have attacked me.  I don't want to come across as though I'm dwelling in the past, or that I'm even angry - because I'm not.  I want to be sensitive, yet honest, in my sensitivity training.  I want them to know that while the past situations did take place, my only desire is to use the past to enhance the future for the better as I'm focused on a bigger, brighter, future.

When I first volunteered to do this, I really didn't think it would affect my nerves like this - but it has.

Speaking to children is a lot easier for me.  When I speak to the children, I feel like I'm working with a fresh slate.  With a new and fresh  attitude that is easier to mold in comparison to adults who have already had a lifetime of molding.  When I blog about my stories, even if those who have treated me a certain way read what I have to say, I don't have to look them in the eyes.  I only look at a screen while I type my message.

For years I've been accepting what people say to me without really responding, without telling them the affects of their words and hurtful stares.  I usually take what people say while later laughing about it, and/or making it into a joke...basically as a coping mechanism, and because some situations really are hilarious.

But now it's time to stand up.  It's time to stop just simply coping!  It's time to stand up for myself and for the others who are affected by the things people say and by the way they're treated - just because they have simple physical difference.  It's time to at least attempt to make a small difference, even if that means only one person listens to what I have to say and takes something away from my few words.


People need to understand that their words have an affect.  Their words have consequences, even ones that they can't alway see.  They can make an impact in a person's life - even if they are a strangers.  They can build someone up, or even tear someone down.

I'm ready to stop coping.  I'm ready for there to be a change.  But more importantly, I'm finally ready to help create the desired change.  (And actually, it wasn't until recent months that I realized that I even hold an ounce of power to make a change!)

Prayers are very much appreciated as I go to speak to the hospital staff in the afternoon.  I'm sure that my nerves are just being dramatic and I'm sure I'll be okay once I start speaking - Starbucks or Jamba Juice in hand!  Please pray for my nerves, open and listening ears, for me to have the right words to say, and for a comfortable setting and atmosphere - for both me and for those listening.

Thank you!  Thank you for reading this, for traveling on this journey with me, and for praying.  You have no idea how much I value the impact you have in my life.

The Travelin' Chick,
Crystal

Worth More than Gold

(Sometimes videos don't appear on all devices, so if you don't see the music video above "Worth More than Gold" by Britt Nicole, click here!)

A couple of weeks ago I was really struggling with a negative comment that was made to me in regards to my birthmark.  Some days I can easily laugh the negative things off that strangers say and do in reaction to my face, while others day it's not so easy to find the humor.  During this specific day and from a specific interaction, I allowed a stranger to take to my undesired, seldom visited, low place.

An hour later I got into my car.  I was feeling discouraged while questioning my value when it comes to my unique appearance.  I found myself questioning if it'd be easier if I hide who I am by expensive and uncomfortable make up, wondering if that would help me become more valuable in society's eyes…All while forgetting the countless beauties that come with my difference and the value that I have always had, and will always have, in God's eyes.

At the same time, I was (truthfully) beyond frustrated.  I was angry that more often than I prefer, strangers can't seem to talk to me as a person, focusing away from my birthmark…Forgetting that they can get to know the greater level of depth that I have - whether they ask me how I'm doing, about my summer plans, or even about my favorite hobby.

During a venting session taking place only in my mind during my drive home, I thought, "Don't people (strangers, specifically), realize there is more to me than the color of my face??   Why do they always assume it's okay to respond to what they see in certain, negative ways - or that I only want to talk about my birthmark?  Don't they realize I may have cool stories about traveling, that I may love to bake, and have exciting hopes for my life?  I'm just like any person.  I'm just like them…Why do they so easily forget that??"  Sometimes it feels as though some people treat me as though I'm only half a person, just because of half my face.

When I got into my car about an hour after this specific experience, I heard this song come on the radio.  I had heard the song before, but hadn't really listened to it.

This song is just what I needed in that moment.   It was the perfect reminder!!

I needed to hear that no matter what strangers say, no matter how they react, I'm worth more than gold.  I needed that reminder!!

My worth isn't in the way I'm treated by others, or in the way they talk to me…or in some cases, in the way they don't talk to me (that's a story to look forward to for my next blog entry).

My worth is based off so much more than a few opinions, stares, and remarks I receive from other people...and I can't ever forget that - and I should never let anyone let me feel any less, like I did that day.   I don't have to hide who I am to make other people more comfortable.  The way others treat me does not define me.  If anything, it gives me a glimpse into their heart and opens many doors to help educate those that I meet.

More importantly??  Through these experiences I feel as though I am constantly (on a daily basis) learning about what it truly means to be kind to others  - no matter if they're kind to me or not - and I think that adds to my value.  (Granted, I have to admit...sometimes it takes a couple of lessons to learn whatever I'm suppose to learn!)

Maybe you need a bit of encouragement too, or a reminder.  While the worth and value of gold fluctuates by human standards throughout the ages of time, our value and worth in God's eyes is always constant.  He always sees our true worth, even when we can't see it ourselves…and no matter how high gold is valued here on earth at any given time  - we are always worth so much more.

Whatever your struggle is I want you to know, "you're worth more than gold"…and I hope you never forget that either!

The Travelin' Chick,
Crystal

My Lips Will be Sealed

I'm totally stepping out of my comfort zone
(in a major way)by posting this
photo…but this is how my lips
shut if I don't make the extra effort
to close them.

At this point, for those of you who follow me on Facebook and here on my blog, you all know that I am having laser treatments for my port-wine stain birthmark. In just a few weeks I'll probably be having another one.

During the next treatment we're going to do something I don't recall ever doing before - even from my treatments as a child. For the next treatment, I will arrive earlier than usual so they can numb my lip so that my lip will be treatable.

That's right. They're going to "beam up" my left-upper lip.

It doesn't sound pleasant, but we'll see how it goes. (I'm actually a bit nervous about it.)

When looking at my lips, it is easy to tell that they are not symmetrical. My right lip (the side without the birthmark) is smaller and thinner. It doesn't close all the way because the left side is too heavy and bulky. (This may not be obvious to those of you I only see in the digital world as, just like any woman, I look for my favorite photos - which usually avoid showing that aspect.)  If I want my lips to close all the way, I have to make an extra conscious effort for my lips to fully be sealed…and even then my attempt is not always successful.

I've asked my doctor about my lip many times in the last couple of years, "Is there anything we can do to help with this?" The doctors have told me that we can treat the lip, but more than likely there are no other options.

Many of you ask, "Why do you have the treatments? You're beautiful just the way you are!" While the treatments lighten my birthmark - that's not my overall goal at all.

My goal is not, "I'm going to have more laser treatments to lighten the birthmark so I can finally feel and be beautiful!!"…I have never thought like that. I'm okay with my birthmark. Sure, if I didn't have it, I could easily avoid a lot of frustrating situations - but I am okay with who I am…and that includes my "stain". I also enjoy being able to teach others a unique way many people can't.  (Although, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have my bad days.) If you read my post How Light is too Light??, you'll know that I struggle with the idea of my birthmark seeming invisible, and knowing how light is "too light".  

So why do I continue to do these painful and uncomfortable treatments? As I age, my blood vessels in the birthmark grow and enlarge, resulting in a lot of possible issues that can arise. Without the treatments, my birthmark’s color will darken as I age. It can even get larger in size. As the blood vessels grow and expand, my skin can also do the exact same thing, resulting in a pebble-stone type of texture. My skin can also harden because of the vessels and bleed for no apparent reason, once hardened. I am having the treatments to avoid all of this. Once all this happens - if it happens - the damage is done. There is no going back to smooth, soft, and “normal" skin. If I don't do the treatments and the hardening, pebble-stone, and excess random bleeding starts taking place, I can't undo it.

Another very likely possibility (that has been predicted by many medical professionals) for my future? My lip will continue to grow. It will continue to droop and sag, even more than it does now. Hence starting the process of treating it.

Fun fact? I didn’t know most of this information that until I started to do my own research a couple of years ago.  No one told me the risks of not treating the birthmark.  This is why I started doing my treatments again. This information has been my motivation in the most painful moments of a laser treatment.

When you grow up with a birthmark on your face, many things aren't really explained to you directly. As a baby, I was clueless and things were explained to my parents. As a child, they again, were explained to my parents. As a child, although I was somewhat aware, I still was kind of clueless to my difference and didn’t really care. I knew I was different , that people stared, made comments, and that I occasionally had treatments…but I think I focused on the outward appearance of my difference and not the medical reasons for them. When I was a teenager, I was a lot more aware but again, didn't focus on the medical causes, symptoms, or explanations of it.

Anyways…back to the point of this update.

Although I'll be treating my lip, the current damage has already been done. It is drooping and the treatments will not fix this problem. That being said, my doctor has recommended me to a plastic surgeon for reconstructive type of surgery for my lip.

Let me be clear: I don't want "new" lips. I just want them to be more symmetrical. I want to be able to fully close my lips with ease, instead of having to deal with the facial abnormalities that the birthmark causes.

Three professionals (my laser treatment specialist doctor, the laser treatment nurse, and my primary care physician) have told me that the plastic surgeon probably can't do anything to help. They'd probably be unwilling to try because my lip can continue to grow and become heavier, bulkier, and more droopy.  If my lip continues to do that, why try to fix it if my lip will later return to it's current state?  To summarize: In their opinion, it's practically a hopeless venture.

Well, today I had my appointment with the surgeon. I decided it never hurts to try or to ask…right?? (While I know it never hurts to ask, I was still nervous. I pretty much expected having to go in with a strong defense of why I feel this is necessary and the medical benefits of having my lip adjusted.)

The man was super kind as he measured my lips and assessed them. (I’m pretty sure that’s the strangest sentence I’ve ever written. Seriously.) I really liked the doctor as he really listened and seemed open to what I had to say.

At the end of the appointment, the doctor told me he was willing to give it a try! First, however, he wants me to go through one laser treatment where they laser the lip. He wants to see the affect the laser has on my lip. If it seems to shrink the lip (which, I’ve been told in the past that it won’t do that. Again, once the damage is done – it is done. But who knows? We could all be in for a surprise.) then he doesn’t think it’ll be necessary. But, if there seems to be no change in size after the next laser treatment then he is happy to continue towards a surgery to assist me in reconstructing the lip. He basically told me, “performing this surgery on you is no different than doing it on someone with a clef lip.”

If we do a reconstructive type surgery, he will basically go in and remove some of the extra tissue that is causing the extra puffiness. He only wants to take a little at a time, as he does not want to take too much. He told me, “It’s easier to take a little at a time. If you take too much, that’s a lot more work to fix.”

(Also, random note, this doctor even observed, “I’m noticing that for you to close your lips completely – you really have to compress the extra tissue.”)

I don’t know how this will all go down and how it will turn out. I’m mostly telling you all this as it is a part of the journey.

Ironically, my laser treatments are lightening the birthmark enough that people are starting to pay more attention to things like my lip. It seems as though I’m getting more questions at the school where I work, or by new people, “What’s wrong with your lip?” (Don’t get me wrong – I’m still being questioned about the purple birthmark itself. But I think, as of right now, those questions have decreased in amount while the others have been increased.)

I’ve always been more annoyed and self-conscious about my lip – more than I am with my birthmark (funny, isn’t it?)…but I think it’s mostly because I can’t even close the lips – and because I know the ability to close them will become harder as I age. I think if my lips could do the simple task of just closing, it would be a different story.

Having about three doctors tell me that more than likely no surgeon would be willing to operate was discouraging…Yet, the one I saw today was instantly more than happy to do so. I can’t even begin tell you how encouraged I feel after this appointment. 

While this may not seem exciting to some (and many of you may frown upon it, as I know some frown upon my doing the laser treatments), I am stoked.

The Travelin’ Chick,
Crystal


PS: I’ll update you when I know more – probably in 1 ½ or 2 months, after I see the doctor again about a month after my next treatment.

PSS: I still need to write a blog entry about questions some of you have asked me in the last couple of months. I just haven’t gotten to that yet, and I apologize. I have a few more questions of my own to ask my doctor before posting what I have already started, so if you happen to have a question – feel free to ask! I’ll include it. I’m practically an open book about my birthmark, whether you’re curious about the experience, medical technicalities, treatments, or even the emotional and mental processing of it all.

They Easily Forget

Today I was driving home when I had a surprising visit with the car that was stopped next to me at a red light. (I say surprising, but in reality, I shouldn't be surprised one bit after a lifetime filled of these "surprising" interactions.)

As I was waiting at the red light, to my left I saw a couple and their child in their car staring at me. Thirty seconds later, I quickly made another glance out of the corner of my eye. They were all still staring.

I've been sick since Thursday night and today I really lacked the patience to deal with this kind of thing. Usually I'll stare back and smile - you know - to try and smoother others and their rudeness in kindness, "winning" in the end...But not today.

Today was a different story, as I eventually made full eye contact with the staring eyes. The wife quickly looked away, yet the husband still stared. I held eye contact for at least a minute, the guy's eyes not budging. (Seriously...This was probably the longest red light of my life.)

He stared. I stared back.

Normally my staring back in response usually does the trick to break other people's stares. But not this time.

I could pretend that I was kind in return to his rudeness, but then I'd be lying. I'd be lying to you by pretending to be a person who always responds in the correct and proper way, the kind way. I'd be lying to you by pretending to have all the right answers, all the right responses. But I don't have all the right answers. I don't always have the right responses.

As we had our staring contest, I made my hands motion to him the question, "What??" as I gave him a look with my facial expression saying, "Dude - what is your problem?? What are you staring at??"

Instead of looking away, he imitated my exact same facial expression and body movement - without breaking eye contact. A few seconds later I tried again, but his response was the same. (Think he would have done the same had I made funny faces at him instead?? Next time I'll have to give that option a shot!) It wasn't until I put my hand over my cheek, hiding my birthmark, hiding myself, that made him look away.

I was infuriated. Comments can sometimes be hurtful, but I think I find staring to be worse - at least at this stage in my life. (A hint for any guy who wants to potentially woe me...staring at my sparkling beauty is not the way to go! ;-) ) And although I acknowledge the hurt and frustration, I also have to make sure I don't allow people like this man define who I am and to try and take these situations with a grain of salt.

A part of me wonders if it is socially acceptable to say that I sometimes mentally high-five people in the face. Like I did today. (Even my thought process isn't always the greatest, or the most kind either.)

Although I've had a lifetime filled with these experiences and should probably expect them, I'm always surprised and in awe when they take place. I guess I always hope that the hearts of strangers will be kind and tender to others - not wanting to live 24/7 with my heart and mind constantly on-guard because of what people may say or do, just because of my appearance.

As I sit back and think about today's experience, I realized something...Something I've never really thought about before.

I think that people, like today's staring man, forget. They forget that they just as easily could have been me. The odds of them being born with a port-wine-stain birthmark covering half their cheek were as equal as my own. Although they were born "normal" - their "normalcy" could easily be taken away by one quick and simple, unforeseen accident. They forget, that if they were me, that they wouldn't want to be treated in the same way in which they have treated me.

People forget that their future child or grandchild could be just like me...Forgetting that they are the role model for their toddler, their child, sitting in the backseat of their car in the moment they are currently in.

They forget that one day, I may be a teacher to their child, a tutor, a friend, a mentor. They forget I may be someone who might make a much needed difference in their life, or a difference in this world.

People often forget I am a person...just like them.

Before you stare at others, or make fun of someone because they are somehow "different" in anyway, please remember...Remember that they are someone's child, sibling, and grandchild. They are someone's friend, mentor, hero. They are a person with talent, memories, experiences, and stories...with feelings, unseen scars, and unseen joys.

We are more than the surface of our skin, more than the differences that you instantly perceive by a quick glance or two minute staring contest.

Please...Don't forget.

The Travelin' Chick,
Crystal


PS: On the bright side, I'm working on a couple of book ideas right now and the experience I had today gave me some good ideas to work with! It quite possibly helped me break through my writer's block. Yay for ideas!

Amethyst

Right after my most recent treatment (left) and about
5 days after the treatment (right).  Both without makeup.

About a week ago I had another laser treatment. My treatment was on a Monday, but usually I have them on Fridays. When I have my treatment on Fridays, I get to hang around the house resting and healing. I strongly dislike, with a passion, leaving the house after a treatment. My face is swollen, sore, and looks a mess. Not to mention being tired afterwards.

Having the treatment on a Monday, I knew I couldn't hang around the house. I had work and school the next day. Truthfully, one of the other main reasons I don't like leaving the house: my treatments always magnify the amount of staring and insensitive comments, remarks, and questions that people forget to filter before their words leave their mouths.  (But please note that I am okay with how I look before my treatments.  I'm use to my normal birthmark color.  I only struggle after the treatments.  To give you an example of one of my after-treatment example experiences...After my last treatment, a guy cursed at the looks of my face by exclaiming, "HOLY POOP**!!"  And no, I'm not kidding…I know I look a mess, and not that great afterwards, but really??)

All that being said, I asked for prayer on my FB page. I wanted prayer for the patiences I needed to "deal" with the insensitive looks and comments. Prayer for kindness when I responded, and prayer for the ability to have the right attitude so I would have the ability to see the humor in any/all situations that took place.

My week ended up being great! Fantastic, actually. I found all sorts of ways to be happy and thankful…Thankful for different friends who encouraged me in many different ways. Thankful to have the ability to teach others, ranging from the kids at my work who had a million questions (some silly, some serious) to my neighbor next door who demonstrated yet, another, broken filter. I was - and am - thankful for teachers who ask me how I'm doing and who understood when I just didn't feel well enough to attend class, and parents who picked me up early from school because I didn't feel like I could sit through my last class. Really, this list of thankful moments could go on and on…But I am incredibly thankful for being able to find the small and big things I am thankful for and the positive things, verses the negative possibilities.

The other day I was able to see my friend Denise and she told me that she had a story idea in mind for me. She wanted to post it on my FB, knowing I'd get a kick out of it (as I can often find a lot of humor in having my birthmark), but wasn't sure how others on my friend list would take it. After telling me a summary of the story, I insisted that she must post the whole thing to my wall. It is brilliant, and I love it. It made me laugh - a lot. (Another thing to be thankful for!!) I asked her if I could share it here on my blog, and she told me that I could.

Here is the story (written by Denise Nicholes):

Okay...I'm pretty sure you are a super hero! You see...I grew up watching The Incredible Hulk (that's right...I'm old)...okay...well...He was a normal guy right!?! Yes yes he was...however he had a slight issue when he got mad: you know, he bulked up, turned green, became super strong (but of course had to control his temper). A couple of decades later (maybe even 3 decades) a young lady was born...normal gal right?!? Well...kind of normal...she's silly and doesn't like to wear shoes but that's okay. (back to the story). So Crystal the Super Hero was born. You see...Wonder Woman had a lasso, Bionic Woman had bionic ears, legs and arms, Superman could fly, Spiderman could climb walls...and Crystal can withstand high levels of pain when LASERS are shot at her! Crystal remains sweet until too many broken filters are coming at her...then her non-super hero friends want to help...but NO...Crystal's got this! You see...people can ask questions about her super powers (oh by the way, her powers come from the Purple Spot)...but if your filter is broken and you ask a dumb question she becomes a little Hulk-like...I'll give you an example: "Hey Crystal, what happened to your face? Were you in a car accident?" (Crystal response) "Ummmmmm NO, God gave me 'Purple Powers' and if you're seeing spots on my face right now, you should run because purple venom is about to shoot out at you...which could kill you...it depends on your level of stupidity". (okay...she wouldn't say that...but she should totally try it just once! How awesome would that be!) Stay tuned for more super hero stories LOL...If anyone has any super hero power ideas...lay it on her...she loves it...really...she does!


She even came up with - and did research for - a name for my double-life superhero character:

You shall be called AMETHYST (gem of fire) since it's a purple crystal: Purple Amethyst has been highly esteemed throughout the ages for its stunning beauty and legendary powers to stimulate, and soothe, the mind and emotions. It is a semi-precious stone in today’s classifications, but to the ancients it was a “Gem of Fire,” a Precious Stone worth, at times in history, as much as a Diamond. It carries the energy of fire and passion, creativity and spirituality, yet bears the logic of temperance and sobriety. I LIKE IT!

Later she wrote me a text and said:

"You know the other part of the story is when you ask Amethyst about the purple powers in a polite way, flowers will shoot out.  Can you picture the cartoon in my head?? ;-)"

What do you think of Denise's story?? (Personally, I LOVE LOVE LOVE it!…Oh hey, did I mention that I LOVE it?  This is probably one of the sweetest/coolest things a friend as done for me.)  Do any of ya'll have any fun story ideas?

No matter what people say to me after a treatment, no matter how long they stare, or how low they lower their jaws in shock of my face's appearance - it doesn't matter.  I am a superhero, and I have the strength to get through it!

Thanks, Denise!

The Travelin' Chick, 

Crystal  (AKA: Amethyst!)

**I like to keep my blog a friendly, safe, and clean place for others to visit.  That being said, no, "poop" wasn't the actual word he used…but you get the idea.

I Look Just Fine (I am Beautiful)

This is with the special makeup on.  We didn't use the extra
thick stuff I had used in the past, but it is stronger than the
average brands you can buy at Target.  The lady also did
some "lip work", trying to balance out lack of symmetry.
(At my request, since I was curious to see how it would
look.)  What do you think?  In person it looks a little different.
Not sure how it looks in photos to others, since I can always
easily see the birthmark regardless of any type of makeup.

Earlier this week I was having a discussion with my ASL interpreting teacher.   My teacher is great.  I've really enjoyed his class and have learned a lot about my future career choice.

For the first time in in the two months of knowing each other, we held a one-on-one in-depth discussion, taking place several minutes before class was suppose to start.  We chatted as we asked each other questions, shared stories, and got to know one another a little better.

As we were chatting, I quickly said something in reference to my birthmark (it fit into our discussion).  Looking at me with a confused expression, he asked me, "What birthmark?"  Internally, I was thinking, "What??  This guy is one of the most observant people I've ever met. How does he not see it??"  Instead of saying what I was thinking, I responded, "You know…The one on my face."  With a wrinkled forehead of continued genuine confusion, he told me, "Oh.  I don't even see it."

I was caught off guard by his statement, yet refreshed that some people don't instantly see what I see daily through people's stares and comments.  I am use to people I've known for a long time, or who see me on a regular basis, saying that they can no longer see my birthmark…as though their eyes are immune to my difference.  I've only known my teacher for a couple of months, yet from the beginning, he hadn't taken notice to it even once.  Instantly after meeting me, he saw me as me…as a person…going deeper than my physical appearance, and not just as who I may appear to be.

Little did I know, later in the week I would meet someone with very opposite visual attention and opinions.

For Christmas I was surprised with backstage passes to for an upcoming Lady Antebellum concert.  I already knew I was going, but had nooooo idea that my parents and aunt Felicia went the extra mile to get the special passes.  With the backstage passes, Felicia and I get to attend pre-concert, we get to meet the band, and we have front row seats…Pretty cool, right??   I am SO ready for March 16^th!!

This week I received a phone call about scheduling my next laser treatment.  Not really thinking about the concert, I scheduled my treatment for March 10^th…Just 6 days before the concert.

I realized the dilemma of my and schedule conflict yesterday morning.  Sure, the concert and treatment are nearly a week a part, but my face will still be much darker – and possibly a little swollen.  Although I’m technically allowed to wear makeup just 3 days after the treatment, it’s uncomfortable and is a little painful for me.  It usually takes me a few extra days to feel comfortable putting any source foundation on.

Thinking about the concert I realized I have three options:

1.     Reschedule the laser treatment and go on a later day, after the concert.

2.     Have the treatment, wear my normal makeup to the concert, and go with my face still looking darker than the usual.

3.     Buy special makeup that helps cover birthmarks, and hope that tones the coloring down.

I’m really looking forward to this concert.  In reality, who cares what other concert attenders think if my face looks a little off than its usual??  Who cares what the Grammy award-winning band thinks??  Yet, while I know it doesn’t matter, I still want to look my best when I meet one of my favorite musical groups.

I think I’ve mentioned (very briefly) in one of my blogs about special makeup that has been created for people like me, with birthmarks, or even others with dark scars and burn marks.  I tried it when I was about 9, but disliked it.  It was so thick that it made my skin feel like it couldn’t breathe.  I tried it again when I was a little older, but still didn’t like it.  At the time when I tried it, I wasn’t even wearing “normal” makeup.  (I didn’t start to wear average makeup until I was done with high school at the age of 17.)  Going from no make-up and my natural look to special, thick makeup wasn’t really my cup of tea.

Since it has been 10 years or so since last trying the special makeup, and we had to go to a department store today anyway, I was curious.  I asked mom if we could look at the special makeup while we were there.

Arriving to the make-up counter a lady, Jackie**, offered to assist me.  I asked, “Do you guys have the makeup that helps people with birthmarks?”  She told me that they did and that she would be more than happy to assist me.  She went and found some as she started to sample some on my face.

The whole experience was a little more overwhelming than I expected. 

Before beginning the sampling process, I explained to the lady that I scheduled to have a treatment on my birthmark right before a big concert held by one of my favorite bands…where I get to meet the famous artists.  I explained that I’m quite content with my usual makeup.  However, my birthmark will look much darker after the treatment and I was just looking for something to assist in “toning the darkness down”.

I don’t think the lady quite understood what I was saying.

Jackie repeatedly saying certain phrases that really bothered me.  One being, “To hide the birthmark…”

To hide the birthmark?  I kept reminding her time and time again, “My goal isn’t to hide my birthmark.   I’m content with how it usually looks.  I’m just trying to make the treatment less noticeable by toning down the darker coloring.  This makeup isn’t something I’m going to use on a day-to-day basis – at all.”  She still didn’t seem to get it, as she continued to talk about hiding my birthmark.

Side view.

She used other phrases that really got under my skin.  She would say things like,  “Doesn’t that look better now??”  or, “Now that looks good.”   On occasion she would say, "See?  With her hair down, you can't even see it anymore." 

What??  It  “now” looks better??  “Now” I look good?…who cares if you can see it??

 Lady: I looked just fine before I met you.    

You might say I’m being extra sensitive in how I took what she was saying.  You might say I was taking what she was saying in the wrong way.  Had you been there, had you heard the full context of our whole 45 minutes conversation, and how she kept emphasizing certain phrases, you would understand why I started feeling overwhelmed.  My mom was also becoming agitated.  (Also to note, she kept talking and directing most of the conversation to my mother.  Even when she was talking about me, or asking for an opinion, she would talk to my mom instead of me – the customer.  It was as though all she saw was my birthmark, and that I as a person was completely invisible.)

I kept trying to counteract things she’d say by emphasizing the purpose of just wanting to tone down the after-treatment coloring.  I would tell her again and again that I’m confident with how I look, and by replying with things like, “I’m not trying to hide it – that’s not my desire at all.  I’m content with how I normally look.”

Yet, she kept using phrases that indicating that my birthmark was something to hide.  Something to be ashamed of…that it was something that made me less beautiful than other girls without one on their cheeks.

Jackie may be a skilled makeup artist, but she was not skilled at listening to me, her customer.  Socially speaking, she was not very artistically skilled when she addressed me or my mother.

I looked just fine before meet her.  I didn’t – and still don’t - want to hide my birthmark.

At one point I started to feel a little emotional.  I felt tears threatening to build a well within my eyes.  With her overuse of phrases I tried to steer her away from, I was bothered.  I felt a little hurt.

Obviously it hurt when her words started to feel like she was indicating I didn’t look “fine” (or in other words, beautiful) when I walked in and without the sampled makeup.  Her words temporarily hurt me personally.  But what hurt me even more??  Realizing that she saw people with unique features like mine as less beautiful, as though they – or we - have something to hide.  Her definition of beauty seemed to be negatively skewed.

How much in life has Jackie missed out on because of her view and definition of beauty?  How many people has she missed the chance on getting to know because she became distracted by and focused on their physical appearance, instead of focusing on their internal beauty?  In regards to beauty, how does Jackie even see herself??

My mom did point out that the lady probably meets many women who have the goal of hiding different physical traits about themselves.  She's probably use to meeting unhappy and insecure women.  In her job, Jackie is probably accustomed to helping people who lack a certain kind of confidence and is accustom to working with people who aren't content.  I am probably in the minority of those that she has met with the attitude of, "I'm happy as I am!"

"You are extraordinary.  There is no one in this world
quite like you.  You are as unique as your
fingerprints, as unique as each beautiful
snowflake that falls from a fresh winter's sky."

As a photographer, I see beauty in everyone that I meet.  I see beauty in those who often don’t see beauty within themselves.  I see the beauty in their physical appearance, but I also see that their beauty goes much deeper than that.  I see the beauty in their personalities, lives, jobs, and uniquely individual stories.  I see beauty in the way they interact with their families, in the way they smile and laugh.  I see beauty in their hearts…in their existence as God has created them to be.

I’m not yet sure what I’ll decide on about the makeup and the scheduling of my laser treatment.  (And really, I don't even know how many more treatments I'll decide to undergo.)  I’ll probably call my doctor’s office on Monday and see what is available after the concert, attending it 100% as myself.

Either way…Although the lady’s consistent comments momentarily stung a bit, I knew and still know that I am perfectly fine as I am.  I'm not going to change how I see and define myself because of one person's remarks that were made within just minutes of meeting me…Comments made by someone who wouldn't even take the time to get to know me, or even talk to me directly.

I am beautiful – with or without my birthmark….with or without that makeup.  (Makeup can be fun, but a little foundation on my cheeks can't be, and isn't, the foundation of my true beauty.)  My beauty runs so much deeper than what she chose to see…and that’s her loss.  I don't need her to validate my beauty - internally or externally. I am so much more than my birthmark.  I am more than the mark on my skin.  I am beautiful.  

For those of you wondering about your value…wondering if you’re beautiful…please know, you are extraordinary.  There is no one in this world quite like you.  You are as unique as your fingerprints, as unique as each beautiful snowflake that falls from a fresh winter's sky.  You are you – and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  Please don't let others, the photoshopped magazine ads, or more importantly -  yourself and your internal dialogue -  knock you down or take away your confidence and self-esteem. 

You are beautiful.  It's time to embrace yourself as you are…to embrace your beauty.

The (Beautiful) Travelin’ Chick,

Crystal

**Name has been changed.