The Face that went Viral

All my life I’ve had to swim upstream against the world constantly telling that I am not beautiful enough. I’m not beautiful enough to walk into a restaurant without disgust-filled, wide-eyed stares. I’m not beautiful enough to walk into a store without degrading marks from strangers…Strangers who forget I have eyes that can see their never ending gaze, and ears that can hear their hurtful words.

People often forget that I’m more than a girl with a facial difference. They forget I’m more than just my face - I’m more than just a birthmark. They forget I’m more than something to stare at with their wide eyes and open jaws. People forget that I have a name.

My goal is not to indorse or promote this Facebook group,
hence blurring their name, link, and logo.  My only goal is to
tell my story and respond to the situation.

My name is Crystal. I love to travel the world, capturing beautiful moments with my camera, pen, and journal, in hand.  I'm a baker (creme brûlée will be my next challenge!), a Jamba Juice addict, and future American Sign Language Interpreter.

I'm someone who has experienced tremendous joys, but also gut-wrenching sorrows. I’ve swam with dolphins, adventurously lived overseas, but I have also experienced the loss of my baby niece and have watched my mother take care of my father in his poor health.  I am more than the mark on my skin.

There is so much more depth to who I am than the appearance of my face…But people forget that. It’s a rarity when I go a day out in public without one person who stares at me, one person who makes a rude remark…treating me as though I am only half a person because of half my face.

In the past I’ve been told by (adult) strangers that I must have skin cancer, that there is something wrong with me, and that it’s not really a birthmark. Strangers have persisted that I should have surgery to “fix” my face, even after I tried to educate them by explaining that it’s not that simple – and I’m happy with who I am, how I am. Others have told me that I must be courageous, for if they were me – they’d never even leave their house. Sometimes I can’t even drive my car across town without nosey eyes invading my personal space with their prolonged, demeaning stares.

Just like millions of other people, I have a birthmark. Mine just happens to be on my face.

The birthmark I have is called a Port Wine Stain. Three of every 1,000 people are born with this kind of birthmark and they are most commonly found on the face and neck.

Instead of being the typical skin-deep birthmark, mine goes all the way to my brain as it is caused by extra blood vessels. If people look in my ears, down my throat, and in my nose, there is an obvious color difference. (Not that I usually go around asking people to look up my nose. Apparently that’s socially unacceptable…Even in California.) My left upper lip is also affected in color, and in size, as well as my left cheek…Even my bone structure is different on the side with the birthmark! (But it’s kind of cool…It’s similar to a mood ring as it changes colors with the temperatures of the day. People always known I’m cold before I even say a word!)

Doctors warned my parents that I could possibly have seizures within the first 24 hours of my life. If I did, I’d have them for the rest of my life. I’ve been incredibly blessed that this has not been an effect of my birthmark and I’ve never experienced a seizure. However, my birthmark does effect my teeth, gums, and my eye.  I'm also still at risk of later developing epilepsy later in my life so my doctors and I closely monitor the blood vessels around my brain with an MRI ever few years.

Due to the extra blood vessels, I have extra blood pressure in my eye causing an 80-year-old disease called glaucoma. From the age of 8-years-old, I’ve had to live with and accept fact that my left eye could possibly go blind one day in my distant future…as well as administer eye drops to my eye twice a day. Every few years I also have to have MRIs to make sure that none of the extra blood vessels have expanded to cause any damage to my brain.

How I normally look - with basic,
inexpensive, everyday makeup
from one of the best places
ever created: Target.  Often people
recommend that I switch makeup
brands because they, "hide things
like that better".  I don't feel the
need to hide who I am under expensive
brands of makeup that smoother my
skin.  I don't  feel the need to hide who I am
to make others more comfortable.  My
birthmark gives me a unique opportunity
to help educate others.  Why not use it?

About every 2-3 months I also have laser treatments on my birthmark. I’ve had close to 42 treatments throughout my lifetime. As a child I was allowed to sleep through them, but now I’m awake while the doctors “beam me up”.  (You can see some videos that have been taken at previous treatments if you click here.)

The laser’s job is basically to go in through my skin and to burst the excess blood vessels. For two week to a month my face is a darker color than usual. To give you an idea of the discoloration, the picture at the beginning of this blog that went viral was taken just 20 minutes after approximately 260 individual laser pulses and does not represent how I look on a normal basis.

Without the treatments, my birthmark is at risk of getting darker with age. Without the treatments, the blood vessels can grow, causing my skin to harden, become a pebble-stone-like texture, and bleed at random whenever it wants. After every treatment my birthmark is lightened, which I guess is a perk, but also not the reason I do them. The main reason I have the painful treatments is so I can be proactive in preventing future medical complications. Once the damage is done, there’s no undoing it…and I want to avoid that possible route if I can. (For those wondering, yes, these treatments hurt. The more pulses they do the more it hurts. Praise the Lord for the numbing cream I wear beforehand to help dull the painful shock of the laser!)

No matter how many treatments I have and even if my birthmark becomes undetectable to the naked eye, I will always have my birthmark.  My cheek will always look swollen and my features asymmetrical.  I will always have glaucoma in my left eye.  The extra blood vessels will still go deep into my brain, and I will still have to have touch-up treatments when/if it darkens as I age.

To add to my story...This week, my face went viral on Facebook.

My face going viral on Facebook was never a goal of mine, nor was it anything on my bucket list. This wasn't something I planned or decided to do, it was something that was decided without me - completely without my knowledge or consent.

To sum it up: A group on Facebook with nearly 2 million followers has been using a photo of mine without my knowledge or consent - a photo that I took (just a selfie!) barely 20 minutes after a painful laser treatment on my facial birthmark. In addition to using my photo, they added text that says, "1 Like = Beautiful"...as well as their personal logo. My name and permission were not included in this process, nor was my story, a link to my blog or website.

Since the original post, my photo has received over 1,800 comments, nearly 400 shares, and almost 25,000 likes.

No, I'm not kidding.

I didn't know about this until Monday afternoon, after arriving home from my math class. A friend sent me the link saying they saw my face in someone else's newsfeed and the photo already had over 14,000 likes within the first 8 hours of it being posted.

Boy, have I been in shock! All week I've been going through many emotions. I've been going back and forth between denial, anger, frustration, to "this can become something positive!"...just to name a few of my emotions and thoughts.

It angers me to know that someone took my situation for their personal gain. It angers me that they took a specific photo...a photo that shows how I look only 2 weeks out of every 2-3 months...without sharing the background and ongoing story with it. It angers me that they never even asked for my permission.

And overall?? The whole situation has hurt. It has made me feel icky all week. (I work with 4-year-olds...Icky is the best word I can think of right now.)

Those who know me know that I am 100% open about my facial difference. They know I blog about my story on a regular basis...the cause of my birthmark, what can happen if I don't have laser treatments, the struggles (emotionally, physically, and mentally), the stories in regards to specific situations/interactions I have with people, and about my treatments, etc.

This is how I look without makeup.  I am
constantly going out without applying
foundation and powder to my skin.  I've
always had the mindset of, "while makeup
is a nice luxury, I always want to be
comfortable in my own, natural, skin.  I
never want to feel as though I have to
wear makeup to feel beautiful."  Makeup can
be fun, but a little foundation on my cheeks can't be,
and isn't, the foundation of my beauty.

I don't mind my story getting out there, as that's actually a part of my life's goal...But what I don't want?? I don't want my photo to go viral without the story being told. I want people to know my story - but not with the purpose of gaining sympathy. I want my story to be known in attempts of educating other people, and in hopes of motivating a cultural change in how "different" people are treated.

I've taken my story and blogged about it openly. Trying to take some recent negative situations and create something positive out of them, I do sensitivity trainings in hospitals.  I also talk to different classrooms at a local elementary school in hopes of teaching children how to be curious in a kind way and to allow them to ask their questions they may have.  (You can read more in detail about my hospital situations here and more in detail about speaking to the children at schools here.)  One day I hope to do a TED Talk as well as be a speaker for Women of Faith. I even have a few book ideas based around my difference and I’m hoping a publishing company will invest an interest one day in the future. (I've always been a big dreamer!)

But this whole thing of my face going viral on FB without consent??...It makes me feel awful on so many levels.

A part of me feels as though, while some of the "likes" are probably genuine in their thoughts of my beauty. But a part of me also feels as though they're 25,000 sympathy likes...and I've never been one who needs pity.

I don't need 25,000 strangers to validate who I am, or my beauty. I don't need help from the Internet and strangers behind their screens to tell me that I'm beautiful. Just because I have a facial difference doesn't automatically mean that I lack confidence, or think that I'm "ugly". In fact, while I've had my up-and-down days, that's never been a big struggle of mine. If I don't need to be validated by strangers, then why does the world feel that it needs to do that instead??

I've always known I'm slightly physically different, but until Monday, I never realized I was different enough to inspire such a viral meme.

Many friends of mine have recommended that I shouldn't read the 1,800+ comments that have been left in reaction to my photo. However, while I appreciate the advice, strangers comment on my birthmark all the time. It's a daily thing to have a stranger approach me in a store, or to stare at me across the room of a restaurant. What's the difference between listening to constant remarks, verses reading them?? That being said - I spent over an hour going through every comment and every share that was posted.

Going into it, I knew I had to read them with a dose of humor…and I’ve had a LOT of laughs while reading some of the responses. The majority of the comments have surprisingly been positive while others caused laughter as I knew I couldn't take them too seriously.

The names of those who left the comments aren't important.  Some of these comments are ones I've heard before, while many are ones that are new.  They've ranged from people telling me that they wished they were purple as well and there was one who wrote a post asking God to remove the "evil" from my face...followed by an "lol" (which this one is ironic, as I've never prayed for God to remove my birthmark).  Some stated that they are glad that we don't get into heaven by looks alone, and someone even posted that they wonder how old I am as the photo has been on there for years...even though I only took the photo within the last year or two and the shared date clearly marks this last Monday.  They've also said that my birthmark will fade with age (it won't), that a doctor can help me, and people have given makeup advice.  But most have said I'm beautiful, they're jealous of my unique color scheme, and that it's the inside that counts.  (Although, I have to add - it's interesting as to how many people have said, "God doesn't create junk"...Am wondering where that 'trendy' one even originated from, and why.)

I'm more than these "likes", "shares", and comments.  My worth, story, beauty, and value are so much deeper than what happens in the digital world - and I firmly believe that for everyone in the world.  The amounts of "likes" we have on Facebook or the amount of followers we have on Twitter do not define us.  We're all different in our own ways - whether our differences are visible or not.  But more than that?  We're all beautiful and special in our own ways.  We are more than the pixels that people see on their screens, and we can't allow others to make us believe otherwise.  We are all fantastic and brilliantly created just the way we are meant to be!!

I hope to have chances to be heard as I try to raise my own voice, but also represent the voices of many others who endure similar, unnecessary, experiences...people who may not have the confidence or ability to speak up. Some of my experiences are painful and they often sting - just like this week’s. However, even the most ugly and hurtful situations can develop into the most beautiful and unique story.

My response

Often I feel as though God is telling me, “I can take these ugly experiences and help them become beautiful if you allow me to use you. You have so much potential as I have much bigger plans for your life than what you could ever even imagine. There is more beauty in your life than you’ll ever know.” (Like my favorite verse, Jeremiah 29:11.)

Sure, having a birthmark that covers half my face can be a challenge. I have my good days, and I have days where I sometimes struggle…whether it is with strangers or with personal, internal, battles. Either way – I feel it’s an extraordinary opportunity to reach out to others in hopes of educating them, possibly making a small difference in the world…and I think that, alone, is a beautiful thing. Why not embrace it?

But hey...The positive part of this whole crazy experience?  My dating pool has probably grown from a small fishbowl to an ocean full of fish.

The Travelin' and Facebook Viral Chick,

Crystal


PS: For those interested, this is the original entry where in which photo came from.  And if you'd like to hear about my mother's journey of having a child with a physical difference, check out her brilliantly written entry, The Stain.


******UPDATE: Since posting this blog 2 weeks ago, I've come to learn that my image has been shared in at least 5 different Facebook times, going viral at least 16 times - that I know of. One group has 30 MILLION followers.  In that specific group, my photo has over 256,000 "likes", 1,000 shares, and over 13,000 comments.  This has not been a one time thing...And it inspires me even more to get my story out there.*********

...And that's not okay.

How I look with Makeup

Waking up this morning, before I even looked in the mirror, I caught myself doing something I've never, ever done. Before even opening my eyes, I was instantly telling myself that today, I am not beautiful.

Yesterday I randomly had a laser treatment as Sunday I received an email confirming an appointment for the next day...an appointment that was suppose to be cancelled.  My treatments are about a three hours drive away - to and from - and I found myself at a crossroad.  Do I cancel my treatment at last minute, even though it wasn't my error?  Do I go and have it done anyway?

For a many reasons I decide to go and have it done.  Before I knew it, I found myself packing a bag and driving the three hours to Fremont on Sunday afternoon.

My appointment went well, and actually, this was my first time going alone.  (Which made my mother extremely nervous, primarily for the drive home after my treatment.)

This treatment, though, was done a little different.  The size of the laser was different and they treated my lip.

I've mentioned in my blog several times that while the birthmark doesn't usually bother me, my lip always does.  It's the physical part about myself that I feel most self-conscious about.

Yesterday, after the treatment, my lip was a little swollen.  I expected swelling...But what I didn't expect?  I didn't expect to wake up this morning to the actual amount of swelling that I had.

Before I opened my eyes I knew...I knew the swelling was bad and I dreaded facing society, but more importantly, I dreaded looking myself in the eyes in my own mirror.

Birthmark with no make-up.

After I opened my eyes, I noticed that my eye also felt a little swollen...But I expected that as that's happened in the past.  (They didn't treat my eye as I'm not comfortable with that idea if I'm awake!)

While laying in my bed I look towards my window and I caught myself thinking, "Oh...Hey...What was that?  What just flew out my window?  Oh, that was just my confidence for the day.  Maybe even for the week."

When I finally looked in the mirror as tears threatened to spill out of my eyes, my suspicion became a fact.  The left half of my upper lip is pretty swollen.

I even walked into my mom's bedroom as I covered my lip and told her, "I have the biggest lip on the block."

As I was driving to meet my friend today, I had a major revelation.  Was I judging me for myself, or was I prematurely taking on the role of judging myself through society's eyes??  The eyes that I knew would soon see me, the eyes that normally react in a negative manner?  Was I judging myself, putting myself down, before anyone else could??

Here I am, this gal who is starting to do sensitivity talks in hospitals and who goes to share with elementary kids about the true meaning of beauty - yet, in this moment, I wasn't even practicing what I 'preach'.  I feel as though I should probably have it more together than I do.

The words that usually make me angry when other people use them against me, I was saying them to myself.

I didn't need society to tear me down this time around.  I was, and am, perfectly capable of doing it myself.

Again, I've never done this before.  Ever.  I don't normally tear myself down in this way.  Enough people already try to do that for me.

If I wouldn't say these things to my friends or to another person, why in the world is it okay to say these things to myself?  Why is it not okay for my friends to put themselves down, but yet, it was okay for me to put myself down?

The thing is, I know it's not okay.  Where was my attempt at holding a positive attitude??  The positive attitude that I do my best to cling onto in every situation life throws my way?

Yeah, the treatments make me nervous.  They're painful and uncomfortable.  The days after, though, are often extremely emotional for me.  I often forget that I'm "different" than everyone else in the world, but these treatments are always a big reminder.

About 30 minute after my last treatment.
I'd post a photo from today, if I felt more
comfortable.  Maybe next time, as my
doctor wants to treat my lip at least 3 times.
And if there weren't medical risks involved,
more than likely, I wouldn't even do the
treatments.  I'm happy with who I am,
as I am.

Sometimes I probably make the treatments seem like an easy-breazy kind of ordeal and I probably play them down, but really, they're hard.  While I'm use to the comments and stares of my normal face, this after-treatment look isn't my normal.  So, when you add an already emotional situation while enhancing something you're already self-conscious about, it's an even bigger struggle.

Today I learned that I really need to work on my self-conscious mindset that I have about my lip.  (And when I write that and read it out loud - it realize that probably sounds kinda lame.) Granted, every woman, every person, usually has something they're not comfortable with about themselves.  Mine just happens to be the lip - and my self-consciousness just happens to be temporarily enhanced, because, well, half of my upper lip is temporarily enhanced and I know this feeling isn't permanent...Just like the swelling.

However, I also realize that unless I figure out a way to deal and cope with this issue, and although the feeling is currently temporary...if I don't gain control of it somehow, I will feel it again next time they treat the lip.  (Which finding a way to deal with it is wwaaaaaaayyy easier said than done, right?)

Often I blog about my stories with the way society reacts to my face, to my treatments.  This time, however, I'm 'tattling' on myself.  I wanted to let you know that for the first time (ever), I stepped into the shoes of the attitude I despise the most.

This time I was the still victim, but I was also the victimizer.  I was the offender...And that's not okay.  I know I am so much more than how I look.  I know I am so much more than my circumstances!  

Maybe I'm a little too honest in my blog sometimes, maybe not.  I don't really know.  All I do know is that I want to share this journey with you in an honest way.  I want to share the good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly parts.  I want to be transparent.  

This is just a part of my journey.

I'm so glad that we don't have to feel beautiful to be beautiful.  Aren't you?

The Travelin' Chick,

Crystal

PS: For those wondering why I decided to do the treatment that I though was canceled:

1. No matter what I am doing the treatments.  I could either bail out of this one, and do it later when classes start back up.  Which means I'd take off work and school - or I could do it on a day I already had off.
2. I thought about not doing the treatment because I'm going to the annual Free Will Baptist National Convention.  I fly out on Saturday.  Even my doctor asked me, "Are you okay flying purple??"  The more I thought about it, the more I realized...my FWB friends know my story.  Many follow it and many are encouraging.  I'd rather go visit a group of friends who I know accept me as I am, who are loving and encouraging, than to go and deal with people at my college who are often quite the opposite.  
3. It's hard to get an appointment in this department.  If I didn't go then, I wouldn't have an appointment for another few months.  I already haven't had one in 4 months (which isn't my fault). The longer I wait, the less effective the treatments will be.
4. I'd feel rude for canceling it the day of, as they wouldn't have time to find someone to take the space of my appointment.  

Dramatic Nerves

Have you ever had plans to travel somewhere, but the night before your big trip, you can't sleep?  You can't sleep possibly because you're extremely excited, stressed because there are still a million things to do before you leave, or because you are nervous about your upcoming adventure...Or you have a mixture of all three options!

That's pretty much how I feel tonight.  Yet, I'm not traveling on a big trip.

Tomorrow afternoon is the day when I'll be going to the hospital to share my story their lab department employees.  I'll be able to share my story in regards to my birthmark while doing a little bit of "sensitivity training".

I'm really excited to have such a unique opportunity to educate others, and to hopefully allow them to have a better understanding of what it's like to be in my shoes - or in the shoes of anyone with a visible, physical, difference.  But I'm also incredibly nervous.

I feel as though I've done a lot of public speaking for my age.  I've spoken at churches to raise money for mission trips, to share about missions, I've taken a speech class, and I've shared about my birthmark to K-6th graders.

I always get a little nervous every time I speak somewhere - but not quite like this.

All week I've been trying to figure out the perfect thing to say tomorrow afternoon.  Or, technically, this afternoon since it is currently 2 in the morning.  My "lecture" of sorts will be taking place in a little less than 11 hours, and yet it was only tonight when I finally figured out what exactly I want to say...And I know I still need to make some changes in the morning.

So why am I nervous??

I think I kind of freaked myself out earlier this week.


While thinking about my upcoming lecture at the hospital, I had a big realization.  Yes, I am use to speaking in public and I love doing that.  Yeah, I blog and Facebook about my birthmark experiences on a daily basis.  I even share with people I meet when the opportunity comes up!

When I speak tomorrow, though, some of the people who have said hurtful things and who have victimized me will be there.

(Let me clarify - I really dislike using the word "victimized" in these situations, yet it's the best I can come up with.  I don't like to think of myself as a victim, but in a sense, I guess that's kind of what I am in some situations due to the way others treat me.)

Those who have said hurtful things in the recent past will be there.

The good thing is, I'm not sure I'll be able to recognize those who have treated me in an ill manner in the past.  I don't generally focus on memorizing their faces and names, just the stories.

And although this whole sensitivity lecture is a chance to have my story told, to give them a better understanding of what is acceptable and what is not acceptable, I don't want to come across as though I'm intentionally attacking those who have attacked me.  I don't want to come across as though I'm dwelling in the past, or that I'm even angry - because I'm not.  I want to be sensitive, yet honest, in my sensitivity training.  I want them to know that while the past situations did take place, my only desire is to use the past to enhance the future for the better as I'm focused on a bigger, brighter, future.

When I first volunteered to do this, I really didn't think it would affect my nerves like this - but it has.

Speaking to children is a lot easier for me.  When I speak to the children, I feel like I'm working with a fresh slate.  With a new and fresh  attitude that is easier to mold in comparison to adults who have already had a lifetime of molding.  When I blog about my stories, even if those who have treated me a certain way read what I have to say, I don't have to look them in the eyes.  I only look at a screen while I type my message.

For years I've been accepting what people say to me without really responding, without telling them the affects of their words and hurtful stares.  I usually take what people say while later laughing about it, and/or making it into a joke...basically as a coping mechanism, and because some situations really are hilarious.

But now it's time to stand up.  It's time to stop just simply coping!  It's time to stand up for myself and for the others who are affected by the things people say and by the way they're treated - just because they have simple physical difference.  It's time to at least attempt to make a small difference, even if that means only one person listens to what I have to say and takes something away from my few words.


People need to understand that their words have an affect.  Their words have consequences, even ones that they can't alway see.  They can make an impact in a person's life - even if they are a strangers.  They can build someone up, or even tear someone down.

I'm ready to stop coping.  I'm ready for there to be a change.  But more importantly, I'm finally ready to help create the desired change.  (And actually, it wasn't until recent months that I realized that I even hold an ounce of power to make a change!)

Prayers are very much appreciated as I go to speak to the hospital staff in the afternoon.  I'm sure that my nerves are just being dramatic and I'm sure I'll be okay once I start speaking - Starbucks or Jamba Juice in hand!  Please pray for my nerves, open and listening ears, for me to have the right words to say, and for a comfortable setting and atmosphere - for both me and for those listening.

Thank you!  Thank you for reading this, for traveling on this journey with me, and for praying.  You have no idea how much I value the impact you have in my life.

The Travelin' Chick,
Crystal

I Look Just Fine (I am Beautiful)

This is with the special makeup on.  We didn't use the extra
thick stuff I had used in the past, but it is stronger than the
average brands you can buy at Target.  The lady also did
some "lip work", trying to balance out lack of symmetry.
(At my request, since I was curious to see how it would
look.)  What do you think?  In person it looks a little different.
Not sure how it looks in photos to others, since I can always
easily see the birthmark regardless of any type of makeup.

Earlier this week I was having a discussion with my ASL interpreting teacher.   My teacher is great.  I've really enjoyed his class and have learned a lot about my future career choice.

For the first time in in the two months of knowing each other, we held a one-on-one in-depth discussion, taking place several minutes before class was suppose to start.  We chatted as we asked each other questions, shared stories, and got to know one another a little better.

As we were chatting, I quickly said something in reference to my birthmark (it fit into our discussion).  Looking at me with a confused expression, he asked me, "What birthmark?"  Internally, I was thinking, "What??  This guy is one of the most observant people I've ever met. How does he not see it??"  Instead of saying what I was thinking, I responded, "You know…The one on my face."  With a wrinkled forehead of continued genuine confusion, he told me, "Oh.  I don't even see it."

I was caught off guard by his statement, yet refreshed that some people don't instantly see what I see daily through people's stares and comments.  I am use to people I've known for a long time, or who see me on a regular basis, saying that they can no longer see my birthmark…as though their eyes are immune to my difference.  I've only known my teacher for a couple of months, yet from the beginning, he hadn't taken notice to it even once.  Instantly after meeting me, he saw me as me…as a person…going deeper than my physical appearance, and not just as who I may appear to be.

Little did I know, later in the week I would meet someone with very opposite visual attention and opinions.

For Christmas I was surprised with backstage passes to for an upcoming Lady Antebellum concert.  I already knew I was going, but had nooooo idea that my parents and aunt Felicia went the extra mile to get the special passes.  With the backstage passes, Felicia and I get to attend pre-concert, we get to meet the band, and we have front row seats…Pretty cool, right??   I am SO ready for March 16^th!!

This week I received a phone call about scheduling my next laser treatment.  Not really thinking about the concert, I scheduled my treatment for March 10^th…Just 6 days before the concert.

I realized the dilemma of my and schedule conflict yesterday morning.  Sure, the concert and treatment are nearly a week a part, but my face will still be much darker – and possibly a little swollen.  Although I’m technically allowed to wear makeup just 3 days after the treatment, it’s uncomfortable and is a little painful for me.  It usually takes me a few extra days to feel comfortable putting any source foundation on.

Thinking about the concert I realized I have three options:

1.     Reschedule the laser treatment and go on a later day, after the concert.

2.     Have the treatment, wear my normal makeup to the concert, and go with my face still looking darker than the usual.

3.     Buy special makeup that helps cover birthmarks, and hope that tones the coloring down.

I’m really looking forward to this concert.  In reality, who cares what other concert attenders think if my face looks a little off than its usual??  Who cares what the Grammy award-winning band thinks??  Yet, while I know it doesn’t matter, I still want to look my best when I meet one of my favorite musical groups.

I think I’ve mentioned (very briefly) in one of my blogs about special makeup that has been created for people like me, with birthmarks, or even others with dark scars and burn marks.  I tried it when I was about 9, but disliked it.  It was so thick that it made my skin feel like it couldn’t breathe.  I tried it again when I was a little older, but still didn’t like it.  At the time when I tried it, I wasn’t even wearing “normal” makeup.  (I didn’t start to wear average makeup until I was done with high school at the age of 17.)  Going from no make-up and my natural look to special, thick makeup wasn’t really my cup of tea.

Since it has been 10 years or so since last trying the special makeup, and we had to go to a department store today anyway, I was curious.  I asked mom if we could look at the special makeup while we were there.

Arriving to the make-up counter a lady, Jackie**, offered to assist me.  I asked, “Do you guys have the makeup that helps people with birthmarks?”  She told me that they did and that she would be more than happy to assist me.  She went and found some as she started to sample some on my face.

The whole experience was a little more overwhelming than I expected. 

Before beginning the sampling process, I explained to the lady that I scheduled to have a treatment on my birthmark right before a big concert held by one of my favorite bands…where I get to meet the famous artists.  I explained that I’m quite content with my usual makeup.  However, my birthmark will look much darker after the treatment and I was just looking for something to assist in “toning the darkness down”.

I don’t think the lady quite understood what I was saying.

Jackie repeatedly saying certain phrases that really bothered me.  One being, “To hide the birthmark…”

To hide the birthmark?  I kept reminding her time and time again, “My goal isn’t to hide my birthmark.   I’m content with how it usually looks.  I’m just trying to make the treatment less noticeable by toning down the darker coloring.  This makeup isn’t something I’m going to use on a day-to-day basis – at all.”  She still didn’t seem to get it, as she continued to talk about hiding my birthmark.

Side view.

She used other phrases that really got under my skin.  She would say things like,  “Doesn’t that look better now??”  or, “Now that looks good.”   On occasion she would say, "See?  With her hair down, you can't even see it anymore." 

What??  It  “now” looks better??  “Now” I look good?…who cares if you can see it??

 Lady: I looked just fine before I met you.    

You might say I’m being extra sensitive in how I took what she was saying.  You might say I was taking what she was saying in the wrong way.  Had you been there, had you heard the full context of our whole 45 minutes conversation, and how she kept emphasizing certain phrases, you would understand why I started feeling overwhelmed.  My mom was also becoming agitated.  (Also to note, she kept talking and directing most of the conversation to my mother.  Even when she was talking about me, or asking for an opinion, she would talk to my mom instead of me – the customer.  It was as though all she saw was my birthmark, and that I as a person was completely invisible.)

I kept trying to counteract things she’d say by emphasizing the purpose of just wanting to tone down the after-treatment coloring.  I would tell her again and again that I’m confident with how I look, and by replying with things like, “I’m not trying to hide it – that’s not my desire at all.  I’m content with how I normally look.”

Yet, she kept using phrases that indicating that my birthmark was something to hide.  Something to be ashamed of…that it was something that made me less beautiful than other girls without one on their cheeks.

Jackie may be a skilled makeup artist, but she was not skilled at listening to me, her customer.  Socially speaking, she was not very artistically skilled when she addressed me or my mother.

I looked just fine before meet her.  I didn’t – and still don’t - want to hide my birthmark.

At one point I started to feel a little emotional.  I felt tears threatening to build a well within my eyes.  With her overuse of phrases I tried to steer her away from, I was bothered.  I felt a little hurt.

Obviously it hurt when her words started to feel like she was indicating I didn’t look “fine” (or in other words, beautiful) when I walked in and without the sampled makeup.  Her words temporarily hurt me personally.  But what hurt me even more??  Realizing that she saw people with unique features like mine as less beautiful, as though they – or we - have something to hide.  Her definition of beauty seemed to be negatively skewed.

How much in life has Jackie missed out on because of her view and definition of beauty?  How many people has she missed the chance on getting to know because she became distracted by and focused on their physical appearance, instead of focusing on their internal beauty?  In regards to beauty, how does Jackie even see herself??

My mom did point out that the lady probably meets many women who have the goal of hiding different physical traits about themselves.  She's probably use to meeting unhappy and insecure women.  In her job, Jackie is probably accustomed to helping people who lack a certain kind of confidence and is accustom to working with people who aren't content.  I am probably in the minority of those that she has met with the attitude of, "I'm happy as I am!"

"You are extraordinary.  There is no one in this world
quite like you.  You are as unique as your
fingerprints, as unique as each beautiful
snowflake that falls from a fresh winter's sky."

As a photographer, I see beauty in everyone that I meet.  I see beauty in those who often don’t see beauty within themselves.  I see the beauty in their physical appearance, but I also see that their beauty goes much deeper than that.  I see the beauty in their personalities, lives, jobs, and uniquely individual stories.  I see beauty in the way they interact with their families, in the way they smile and laugh.  I see beauty in their hearts…in their existence as God has created them to be.

I’m not yet sure what I’ll decide on about the makeup and the scheduling of my laser treatment.  (And really, I don't even know how many more treatments I'll decide to undergo.)  I’ll probably call my doctor’s office on Monday and see what is available after the concert, attending it 100% as myself.

Either way…Although the lady’s consistent comments momentarily stung a bit, I knew and still know that I am perfectly fine as I am.  I'm not going to change how I see and define myself because of one person's remarks that were made within just minutes of meeting me…Comments made by someone who wouldn't even take the time to get to know me, or even talk to me directly.

I am beautiful – with or without my birthmark….with or without that makeup.  (Makeup can be fun, but a little foundation on my cheeks can't be, and isn't, the foundation of my true beauty.)  My beauty runs so much deeper than what she chose to see…and that’s her loss.  I don't need her to validate my beauty - internally or externally. I am so much more than my birthmark.  I am more than the mark on my skin.  I am beautiful.  

For those of you wondering about your value…wondering if you’re beautiful…please know, you are extraordinary.  There is no one in this world quite like you.  You are as unique as your fingerprints, as unique as each beautiful snowflake that falls from a fresh winter's sky.  You are you – and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  Please don't let others, the photoshopped magazine ads, or more importantly -  yourself and your internal dialogue -  knock you down or take away your confidence and self-esteem. 

You are beautiful.  It's time to embrace yourself as you are…to embrace your beauty.

The (Beautiful) Travelin’ Chick,

Crystal

**Name has been changed.

My Heart's Song

Lately I've been in a funk.  I've been dealing with a hurting heart, feeling broken, discouraged, and all while taking the word "failure" as a descriptive word for my life.  To be slightly open - I've been in a little bit of a depression...A depression that makes it extremely easy for me to isolate myself from friends and to be very critical of myself.

Last week I went to youth camp with teens from church.  I didn't go up for the full week as a counselor like I usually do (partially due to the "funk" I'm in, but also because of pure exhaustion from traveling and the fact that school started just a few days after camp ends), but I did go up for a couple of the days to hang out with the group.

During one of the services that I was able to attend, the band leading worship led us in the song called, "Forever Reign".  The whole song is wonderful.  While I posted the video at the beginning of my blog, here are the lyrics - written by Hillsong:

You are good, You are good
When there's nothing good in me
You are love, You are love 
On display for all to see
You are light, You are light 
When the darkness closes in
You are hope, You are hope
You have covered all my sin

You are peace, You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true, You are true
Even in my wandering
You are joy, You are joy 
You're the reason that I sing
You are life, You are life, 
In You death has lost its sting

Oh, I’m running to Your arms, 
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

You are more, You are more
Than my words will ever say
You are Lord, You are Lord
All creation will proclaim
You are here, You are here
In Your presence I'm made whole
You are God, You are God
Of all else I'm letting go

Oh, I’m running to Your arms
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

My heart will sing 
no other Name
Jesus, Jesus

Oh, I’m running to Your arms
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

If you notice, I bolded one section of the lyrics.

While I pray, talk, and call out to God - I know that if I am honest to myself, my heart has been singing other names - not just the name of Jesus.  My heart has been broken.  Slowly, as I have been struggling, more and more I have allowed my heart to sing names that belong to Satan...Names such as failure, discouragement, fear, pain, sadness, hurt, and depression...and that's not even my full list.  These words (names) have been seasoning in my mind.  The longer I let them season, the more I have struggled.

Listening to the song, it hit me like a ton of bricks as to how much I have let Satan affect my heart, well being, and thought process.  I've let him affect how I think of myself instead of thinking of myself in terms of who God created me to be.

Instead of allowing my heart to sing names attached to Satan, I need to replace those names with names of Jesus.  Words of God.  Names such as, Healer, Protector,  and Comforter.  I need to allow my heart to sing lyrics of love, peace, joy, happiness, forgiveness, and acceptance...Lyrics of God's love in my life.  Lyrics that are true and beautiful - not false lies and ugly.

Granted, this is easier said than done.  I had this personal revelation a week ago and I am still struggling.

To those of you who are local, and to those of you who I interact with on a regular basis - I'm sorry if I seem distant or as though I am isolating myself.  A few friends have pointed out my recent tendencies of isolation, silence, and being distant...and I can't deny these patterns.  I've turned down social invitations, have been horrible at returning text messages and phone calls, and some of my few "public appearances" are brief and basic before I quickly leave.  I promise this is nothing personal or against any of you.  My mind is just a bit overwhelmed as I work through a lot of things, processing what it can - and I thank you for your love, kindness, and your patience.

I may not jump out of this bit of depression tomorrow.  I may not get of this funk next week.  What I do know is, I need to tune my heart to another tune with a new set of lyrics.

What song are you letting your heart sing?

The Travelin' Chick,

Crystal

PS: Please note that this is not a blog asking for sympathy.  Just a blog of honesty and a request for prayer, if I ever come to your mind in the coming days.