Dramatic Nerves

Have you ever had plans to travel somewhere, but the night before your big trip, you can't sleep?  You can't sleep possibly because you're extremely excited, stressed because there are still a million things to do before you leave, or because you are nervous about your upcoming adventure...Or you have a mixture of all three options!

That's pretty much how I feel tonight.  Yet, I'm not traveling on a big trip.

Tomorrow afternoon is the day when I'll be going to the hospital to share my story their lab department employees.  I'll be able to share my story in regards to my birthmark while doing a little bit of "sensitivity training".

I'm really excited to have such a unique opportunity to educate others, and to hopefully allow them to have a better understanding of what it's like to be in my shoes - or in the shoes of anyone with a visible, physical, difference.  But I'm also incredibly nervous.

I feel as though I've done a lot of public speaking for my age.  I've spoken at churches to raise money for mission trips, to share about missions, I've taken a speech class, and I've shared about my birthmark to K-6th graders.

I always get a little nervous every time I speak somewhere - but not quite like this.

All week I've been trying to figure out the perfect thing to say tomorrow afternoon.  Or, technically, this afternoon since it is currently 2 in the morning.  My "lecture" of sorts will be taking place in a little less than 11 hours, and yet it was only tonight when I finally figured out what exactly I want to say...And I know I still need to make some changes in the morning.

So why am I nervous??

I think I kind of freaked myself out earlier this week.


While thinking about my upcoming lecture at the hospital, I had a big realization.  Yes, I am use to speaking in public and I love doing that.  Yeah, I blog and Facebook about my birthmark experiences on a daily basis.  I even share with people I meet when the opportunity comes up!

When I speak tomorrow, though, some of the people who have said hurtful things and who have victimized me will be there.

(Let me clarify - I really dislike using the word "victimized" in these situations, yet it's the best I can come up with.  I don't like to think of myself as a victim, but in a sense, I guess that's kind of what I am in some situations due to the way others treat me.)

Those who have said hurtful things in the recent past will be there.

The good thing is, I'm not sure I'll be able to recognize those who have treated me in an ill manner in the past.  I don't generally focus on memorizing their faces and names, just the stories.

And although this whole sensitivity lecture is a chance to have my story told, to give them a better understanding of what is acceptable and what is not acceptable, I don't want to come across as though I'm intentionally attacking those who have attacked me.  I don't want to come across as though I'm dwelling in the past, or that I'm even angry - because I'm not.  I want to be sensitive, yet honest, in my sensitivity training.  I want them to know that while the past situations did take place, my only desire is to use the past to enhance the future for the better as I'm focused on a bigger, brighter, future.

When I first volunteered to do this, I really didn't think it would affect my nerves like this - but it has.

Speaking to children is a lot easier for me.  When I speak to the children, I feel like I'm working with a fresh slate.  With a new and fresh  attitude that is easier to mold in comparison to adults who have already had a lifetime of molding.  When I blog about my stories, even if those who have treated me a certain way read what I have to say, I don't have to look them in the eyes.  I only look at a screen while I type my message.

For years I've been accepting what people say to me without really responding, without telling them the affects of their words and hurtful stares.  I usually take what people say while later laughing about it, and/or making it into a joke...basically as a coping mechanism, and because some situations really are hilarious.

But now it's time to stand up.  It's time to stop just simply coping!  It's time to stand up for myself and for the others who are affected by the things people say and by the way they're treated - just because they have simple physical difference.  It's time to at least attempt to make a small difference, even if that means only one person listens to what I have to say and takes something away from my few words.


People need to understand that their words have an affect.  Their words have consequences, even ones that they can't alway see.  They can make an impact in a person's life - even if they are a strangers.  They can build someone up, or even tear someone down.

I'm ready to stop coping.  I'm ready for there to be a change.  But more importantly, I'm finally ready to help create the desired change.  (And actually, it wasn't until recent months that I realized that I even hold an ounce of power to make a change!)

Prayers are very much appreciated as I go to speak to the hospital staff in the afternoon.  I'm sure that my nerves are just being dramatic and I'm sure I'll be okay once I start speaking - Starbucks or Jamba Juice in hand!  Please pray for my nerves, open and listening ears, for me to have the right words to say, and for a comfortable setting and atmosphere - for both me and for those listening.

Thank you!  Thank you for reading this, for traveling on this journey with me, and for praying.  You have no idea how much I value the impact you have in my life.

The Travelin' Chick,
Crystal

Germany: The Next Adventure!

Yesterday I came to a surprising realization.  In one month's time, I would be boarding a plane to Germany!  And today?  One month from today, I'll be arriving to my destination!  

So, why am I going to Germany, and how did I get the opportunity to go?  A little over a year ago, while I was still living in London, a friend of mine forwarded me an email from a family that shared their desire to host an American nanny for a couple of months.  My friend wrote to me, "...since you are quite the world traveler. Any interest in living in Germany for a couple months this fall?"

Before I responded, I prayed about it and talked to my parents about the possibility.  While I am an adult who can make my own decisions, it is still very important to me to have my parent's "okay" in doing something like this - and I am blessed to be able to go to them for input and advice.  They gave me their "okay" and told me, "If we were your age and the opportunity came up -  we would probably do it too."

After that, I emailed with the family and we traded questions and answers that we had for one another.  Shortly after, they told me that I was welcome to join their family and I told them that I was interested in coming.  It was just a matter of finding a date and time period that worked for all of us.  A little over a year later of receiving the first email, I have my ticket and departure date.  I'll be leaving June 9th, and will be staying until December 18th.

While I am going as a nanny, a bigger part of what I'll be doing is teaching the children English.  In fact, I've already sent some books on ahead to the family.  (Thank you, once again, to those of you who gave books for me to take!!  You rock!)   The children are two little boys, one being almost 3-years-old, and the brother is younger.  Their mom teaches English to other children in Germany, so she has already been teaching them English too.  However, she also wants someone that she can practice her English with as well.

Most of my traveling has been with a mission organization and "official" mission trips.  This going to be a different experience in comparison to what I have done in the past.  I've never lived in a country where the native language is completely foreign to my own.  I've never lived with another family - only with flat-mates and college roommates.

While this isn't an "official" mission trip with a specific organization that requires fundraising, I still believe that God has opened this door for me to go....and no matter where I go, no matter where any Christian goes, we are all suppose to be "missionaries" - no matter our surroundings....Whether we are surrounded in our native cultures or one of which we find to be unfamiliar; if we're at our workplace, on a bus, or on a plane...It is our job to show others through our actions and words that there is a God who cares and loves the people we meet...or even the people we may not officially meet, but see us in a bookstore or doctor's office. 

I believe - and know - that God has a purpose for this upcoming adventure, although I don't really know what it is.  Maybe I can make friends with someone there who needs to know of God's love, or what it is to have a true friend who cares about them.  Maybe I'm suppose to share of past mission trip experiences with people who might have a passion to do something different for God...and maybe they can catch the flame of my passion to reach those locally and abroad.  Maybe I'm suppose to impact someone who will go out an make a difference in their neighborhood, or a difference that can impact the world.  

Again - I don't know why I'm meant to go to Germany.  (In fact, I never know why I'm suppose to go anywhere that I've ever gone.)  What I do know - the doors have opened and I've seen God in every step of the journey in preparing to go.

I hope that you'll travel with me me during this journey, as I have every intention to write blog updates while I am there.

If you would like to pray for me - that would be greatly appreciated!!  Here are some current prayer requests for the upcoming adventure:

• Please pray for my family, friends, and I as we start saying our goodbye and "see you later".  Some of these farewells will be easier than others, but this is always the hardest part for me.
• Pray for good health and safety!  Pray for my health and safety, but also my family's as well.
• Language!  I don't speak Germany...At all.  I've been listening to "German for Dummies" (provided by my dad) to get use to the sound of the language.  Please pray my brain can pick up the language easily and quickly.
• Another request about language...I've been taking American Sign Language courses during the last two semesters.  When I return to the USA and to college, I plan to continue learning the language.  While I plan to take my text book, watch ASL videos, and Skype with classmates, my big concern is that I might lose what I've already learnt because I won't be in any ASL settings, such as a class.  Please pray I can retain what I have learned during the last year and can jump back in with ease when I return.  This is very important to me, as I am planning to do a double major with journalism and ASL.
• Pray for good relationships to be built between the family I'll be living with.  We've emailed, Skyped, and have many mutual friends, but have never met in person.  The family has already accepted me as a family member and friend, and for this I am grateful!
• While I am there I would also like to make other friends that I can connect with.  I'd really like to make the most of my experience, and I feel as though friendships are a big part of this!
• Last but not least - Pray for my relationship with my little cousin, Rayna.  She'll be turning 3-years-old in September.  When I was in London, we were able to maintain our good relationship via Skype.  Our close relationship is something I also don't want to lose.  Please pray that we can keep as much closeness that we already have - even thousands of miles away from one another.

Thank you for your prayers, support, and for reading my blog in the past, present, and future!  I hope you continue to read my blog and travel with me through my writing and photos.

The Travelin' Chick,

Crystal

A Total God Thing

For the last two weeks I have been enjoying house sitting for a couple from our church. I can't even tell you how odd it was to have a house to myself for the first time in months...(Detail: Since June my sister, brother-in-law, and their pets, have living with my parents and I due to moving across the country from Nashville. With 5 adults under the same roof and some pets, it's a little busy in the household.)...not to mention sitting in complete silence without a TV or radio on, dogs barking, or people talking. Silence had become the unfamiliar stranger in my life.

As I was sitting in silence this morning working on a few things for (OM) Germany and London, the dog I have been spending time with at the house started barking at the door. Three people were walking up the pathway to the house (two women, one man).

When I stepped outside the three people greeted me with a smile. They introduced themselves and stated that they go to a local church here in town called "People's Church". (People's Church is the church our youth group went with to go to Mexico, and two family members of ours also attends the church.) They automatically assumed I was the lady they came to visit or their daughter, both of which were incorrect. I told them that they weren't home right now but they could come back another time next week when they would be available.

Before they left they asked, "Since we're here anyway, is there anything we can pray with you about?" I obviously knew that they were from a church out visiting people today, but this caught me off guard. I assumed they would of just said, "Ok, we'll try again another day."

I'm thinking that this was a total God thing. This morning when I awoke I was instantly stressed. I was stressed about fundraising for London, trying to get the last $5,700 in before December, and how to raise so much money so quickly. When asked, "Is there anything we can pray with you about?" London and my funds instantly came to mind.

Standing on the porch at someone else's house with three strangers I was able to share with them about my upcoming trip to London and what I'll be doing while I am there. I was also able to share with them the weight on my shoulders about trying to fundraise the big about of money in a short amount of time. Talking to them I was able to share that there many family emergencies and the main focus needed to be on my family throughout the last several months.

Then we prayed. Standing on the porch at someone else's house, with three other strangers, we held hands and prayed.

It was also a refreshing reminder when one lady said, "Nothing is too big for God."

As they were leaving I was able to give them my prayer card and a bio we wrote out for letters and churches. One person said that they might send me an email to be in touch soon.

Lately my life theme quote has been, "Where God guides, God provides!"...And today it hit me. This isn't just talking about the financial needs of God's guidance, but encouragement and prayer as well!! When I awoke today I was really stressing about the financial provision that I am in need of to be able to go to London. Within an hour of awaking God provided. He provided for the encouragement and need for prayer. I still have all of the $5,700 to raise, but God is providing and will continue to do so in all aspects that are needed with finances, prayer, and encouragement.

A total God thing? I think so!

The Travelin' Chick,

Crystal

Honesty

Here is an honest blog. Throughout the last few months, with everything that has been occurring in my family, I've had my up and down moments. I've been angry, jealous, mad, and I have been happy and at peace. I've been bubbly and I've been cranky. There are days with hope and excitement, and days that seem to have no end as they are filled with depression and tears.

One month from Wednesday I am suppose to be an aunt. The due date of my niece has swiftly come upon me. I don't know what the thoughts are of my family members. However, for me personally, November 5th is a day that I do not look forward to. It's a day I dread.

Instead of buying cute mini frilly little pink dresses and cute little rattles for my niece, about three months ago we pulled out our grown-up black dresses and ironed black suits. Instead of celebrating new life we mourned the premature death of Ashley, my niece. Instead of watching her sleep in her crib, we watched her being lowered into the ground in a tiny pink casket. (The smallest I have ever seen.)

We mourned the lose of a beautiful child and the lose of excitement and future dreams. As we mourned (and still do mourn), we mourn never being able to make eye contact, hear her laugh, or hold a verbal conversation with her. We mourned never getting to watch her grow up and bloom into a beautiful woman. I have personally mourned not being able to be that "cool aunt" that spoils her niece rotten...just to return her to her parents hyped up on sugar from the fresh batch of unbaked cookie dough.

Often I wonder if my feeling are normal. I'm not sure if it's normal to feel the way I do as an aunt of a precious child that now spends her time with God in Heaven. While knowing she's with our creator brings me a certain kind of peace in life, I still go through a lot of pain and heart ache. I'm not sure if it's normal to still have urges to go buy her toys and adorable clothes. I wasn't her mother, I am just her aunt. While I'm not her mother, my arms often long to hold her. Instead they feel empty. Some days are good for me emotionally and mentally, but some days are worse due to a random trigger of hearing her name in a crowd, seeing a dress I want to buy her, or even hearing about others with excitement of becoming an aunt or uncle.

There are have been many times that I have been sadden by the lack of being able to see Ashley grow up. I'll never get to teach her how to make an origami flower. My camera will never capture her moments of laughter, or moments of first steps or as she rides a bike for the first time. (For me it's extremely odd to have a niece and to have never snapped a photo of her and I often regret not doing so.) We won't get to talk about boys or about her first date. I won't be able to one day take her on a trip, or share my passion of traveling and missions.

When I feel like this I then try and remind myself, while we on earth have had the chance to live and experience many things...She is in Heaven experiencing something so much better that we still haven't had the chance to experience ourselves. She is able to sit at the throne of God praising Him with her every being in a way that we strive for here on earth. While her feet will never touch earth's soil, her heart will also never feel the pain that living on earth brings. She forever will have the complete peace and joy that only God can give her...The joy and peace that we often miss out on due to the complex design of life that sin has brought our way. And while she cannot travel to Japan or go on an Alaskan cruise, she sees true beauty. She sees what beauty was intended to be before the fall.

When my arms feel empty and the desire to hold her, I remind myself, "She's with God now." Ashley can literally walk and talk with God face to face. God can literally and physically hold her hand as they walk down the beautiful roads of Heaven. Whenever I feel the desire to give her a hug, I imagine God bending down to give her the sweetest of embraces - and this comforts me. One of the best feelings I have ever had in my life time is when my grandpa and I hold hands. His hands are so big and strong, yet soft and loving. I can't even imagine what physically holding God's hand or being hugged by him is like once in the pearly gates of Heaven.

While I remind myself that Ashley is in God's hands, I still struggle. Sometimes a lot, sometimes a little. Each day is different - as it's different for my sister, my mom, brother-in-law, and dad.

As we go through this experience we're all still trying to figure out the kinks and details of what it's like to be aunts, parents, and grandparents. What do I say when I'm asked if we have any nieces or nephews? What is the best response when asked if my mother and father have any grandchildren? While we are parents, aunts, and grandparents, it's still an awkward question that we often dread having to answer due to the complicated answer and pain it brings to our hearts. In my mind I often do wonder, "What is it like to be an aunt? What is like to hold the precious child and to watch them grow up?"

As I end this blog, let me leave you by saying that when I write what I write at times, I do not write in hopes to gain your sympathy. In fact...Sympathy is not what my family and I need. When I write what I write it is meant to let you know what's going on in my life. It's meant to help others going through similar situations. It is my prayer to be able to use my story to help others so they realize that they are not alone in what they go through. It's my hopes that it might help others realize that what they're going through is a normal process.

When you finish reading what I write and leave my blog all I ask that if God lays me or my family on your hearts, pray for my family. Pray for me...pray for my parents, my sister and brother-in-law, my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. (Or whomever the blog is about.) Pray for those who are unknown and going through similar situations.

Sincerely,

The Travelin' Chick,

Crystal

Carmen's New Home

There wasn’t a bedroom for each person to have his or her own personal space. There wasn’t indoor plumbing. A fancy kitchen? They didn’t have that either. Instead of a tile, wood, or carpet floor, all that separated you from the dirt was the shoes on your feet. For Carmen and her family, they were lucky if they even had shoes to wear.

When it rained over their home Carmen and her children often got wet. Instead of a sturdy roof and thick walls to protect them from wet weather, they had a leaking flimsy tarp to be their protector. A blanket was their home’s door, and cutouts of the tarp were their windows. When it was hot (as it often is in Ensenada, Mexico) outside their home felt like an oven burning up inside.

Their home had no doors, locks, windows, toilets, bedrooms, sinks, a refrigerator, or floors.

Carmen had five other family members currently living with her under this tarp that created two “rooms” for all five of them. Living with her is her 21-year-old daughter with her three young children (Carmen’s grandchildren…And sadly, I can’t remember all their names), and Carmen’s 15-year-old son Alejandro. Looking around their home you also see chickens, roosters, turkeys, and kittens walking around. Both Carmen and her daughter were once married but both of their husbands left them - leaving them to fend for themselves as they try to support their young families.

Alejandro even took it upon himself to drop out of school to take care of his family. Instead of going to school to further his education and to live life as a teenager he has acted beyond his age. After dropping out of school Alejandro got a job on the fields so he can financially support his family. At the age of 15 he took it upon himself to become the “man of the family” and provide for his mom, sister, nieces, and nephew.

For 15 years Carmen dreamed of having a better home. Her life dream was to have a home of her own with a floor not made of dirt, with sturdy walls, and a strong roof.

In June 2011 a team of workers from Fresno, California hit the road to head down to Ensenada to help Carmen’s dream become a reality. I feel honored to be able to participate as a member of the team.

For one week our church’s youth group worked with another local church in our hometown. We were able to come from two separate churches to create one strong and hardworking team. Together we laughed, we cried, made memories, held devotions, worked together, and made lasting friendships. Together we nailed boards and painted Carmen’s home. We played with lots of children and got to know the Mexican church throughout different ministries. Regardless of language barriers and different cultures, we got to know the locals of Ensenada and learn their stories, dreams, and heartaches.

I’ll never forget the week we spent in Ensenada and the people we got to meet. The moment that I know will forever be in my mind is the day we gave Carmen the key her new home.

All week Carmen and her family chose to work along side us helping with the painting and nailing. Once the first day of building was over and the team started to leave, Carmen’s family sat on the cement foundation of their almost-built-home just looking around at the wooden posts that would soon be the walls. I can’t even imagine the level of excitement the family must have been feeling that night (or all week!) or the thoughts going through their heads.

Tears trickled down her face as Carmen's 15-year-old dream finally came true. Just moments before the house dedication, I remember Carmen and her children anxiously look around the corner of their soon to be former home. The looks of excitement, aw, disbelief, and hope touched my heart.

When dedicating the house the team passed around the key that would soon be handed over to the family. As each person held the key, they had a few minutes to share some words with the family. This was one of the most the most moving moments I have ever personally experienced.

Carmen’s family is forever in my heart and prayers. Next summer our group is planning to participate with People’s church to return to Mexico. I cannot wait to see Carmen’s family again and to give her sweet grandchildren a big hug.

Sincerely,

The Travelin' Chick,

Crystal

PS: I know I posted links before, but if you didn't see it check out a video I made from our Mexico trip:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ply2HX4Ul8

Going Home

*This is a lengthy and slightly scattered entry...While it's long in words, it only briefly covers my thoughts, emotions, and only a fraction of the story.*

"You need to come home."

It's a phrase I remember all too well. I was in Japan a few weeks ago (helping with disaster relief work) when this was said to me. It was a phrase so unexpected - just as unexpected as the situation taking place at home.

Within 24 hours of landing in Japan I received a text from my mom telling me to call her as soon as possible. Knowing that phone calls and texts to and from Japan aren't the cheapest from the USA (even with a special plan), I knew something was wrong. Honestly, considering my dad's health this year, I figured it had to do with him. I assumed he was back in the hospital for a third time.

Once I got a hold of my mom back home in California I found out my theory was all wrong. Dad was okay. She was okay. This time around my sister and my niece were the ones who were in the hospital.

At this point my sister, Amanda, was about 22 weeks pregnant with my niece. Just a couple of weeks earlier we found out who my niece was. She was Ashley Elizabeth. Ashley would be my sister and brother-in-law's first daughter. Their first child. She would be my first niece, my parent’s first grandchild, and my grandparent’s first great-grandchild.

Now at 22 weeks within the womb, my sister found them sitting in the hospital being told the odds weren't good. The amniotic fluid was leaking. One more week is all they needed to increase the odds to better ones. Bed rest was a necessity and we would all know more in a few days.

In my mind I honestly thought, "Everything is going to be okay. God is in control. He'll take care of them. I'll make it home in about a week. Things will be okay and if she has to come early - I'll be home for Ashley's grand entrance into the world."

Stories and stories of God's care and miracles kept coming to my mind, encouraging me. I was worried, but praying about it I put it all in God's hands. Being in Japan I couldn't do anything about the situation other then pray and have my team members pray. Even if I had been home I still couldn't really of done anything more then what I was already doing.

A few days went by. During those few days a lot was accomplished. The team I was on in Japan took a night ferry from one island to another to get to the disaster-affected area. We got to where we were staying during our time volunteering. We met new friends with shovels in hand. We worked and we sweat. We laughed at silly moments (probably increased by jet lag). We cried for the Japanese and the destruction, horror, lose, and pain they have had to face in their lives and for the stories and memories they have to bear. (And again, there will be blogs about the whole trip and with the stories of the Japanese survivors.)

One day after several hours of bagging up rubble from where a house once stood we got back to the gym that was our temporary home. I hadn't looked at my phone all day. When I did I saw a missed call from my aunt and text messages saying to call her "ASAP". This is when I knew there must have been a drastic turn in events back home.

Calling her back she informed me that my sister had suddenly gotten an infection. An infection that sent her fever well above 100 degrees. The doctors made the call to induce labor. My niece’s arrival would more then likely occur within the next 24 hours. The odds weren't good at all. She had less then 1% chance to live. They still had her heart beat, but we wouldn't know anything until she was born.

In that moment as I sat in the gym on my sleeping mat, phone pressed against my ear, tears started to roll down my cheek. Other then the basics of the situation, all I remember my aunt heart-brokenly saying, "I am so sorry Crystal...I am so sorry." All I could really ask in reply was, "When will they know if she’ll make it? When will they know?" More then likely, we wouldn’t know for a few hours or until she was even born.

A few hours later the team was headed to the onsen on the bus, I got the call. My sister was still in labor but Ashley didn't make it. My sister would be giving birth to her beautiful daughter as a stillborn.

This was all so unexpected. The pain of losing my niece has caught me off guard. I had no idea it could hurt so much to lose a child that I never got to know. My heart was breaking, knowing I would never even get to hold her. Everything that could happen seemed to be happening to our family in the recent months. I was thousands of miles away as my family was being hit by one of the strongest storms we've had to go through together. Confusion hit me as I thought, "I thought God wanted me to come to Japan, but why would he want me here when my family needs me there? Why is all this happening - especially now?"

During the days in Japan I truly felt mostly okay. The work kept us busy. The laughter and silly moments kept me laughing. Our team kept me encouraged and prayed for my family often.

Nights were the worst for me. That’s when life slowed down. It’s when I was alone in my own little world and thought process. It’s when there was silence…Silence where my mind could wander back home, back to where I knew the pain and shock of the situation was devastating my family.

After working in Japan I ended up going home about two days early. I was leaving on a Monday and the visitation for Ashley was Tuesday. The service would be Wednesday.

Those few days were a blur. Leaving Japan I felt heartbroken. Every time I leave the wonderful country of Japan I feel as though I leave a little bit of my heart behind. Once on my plane I spent over 24 hours flying, arriving home in California before I ever left the country of Japan. (Yay for time differences!)

Tuesday came as my sister knocking on my door awaked me. Together we talked and we cried. She told me that I would, after all, still have a chance to hold Ashley if I wanted the chance. My sister and brother-in-law also asked me if I was willing to put a soft stuffed animal rattle I had bought Ashley in the coffin with her. “We would be honored if you chose to put it in with her, but we understand if you don’t.”

I knew I had to give her the toy and I was honored that they asked. When pulling down the bag of baby stuff mom and I had been collecting, to retrieve the item, I thought to myself, “This isn’t right. This isn’t supposed to be pulled down until her baby shower. This is suppose to be used in a time of celebration.”

Walking into the visitation room tears instantly trickled down all of our cheeks as the little pink coffin came into our vision. Instantly I couldn’t help but think, “No coffin should ever be that small.”

During the first 30 minutes or so of being in the room I couldn’t get myself to go past the back row of the chapel. As my family walked to the front crying and hugging one another, I sat in the first chair I saw - frozen. As a couple of family members tried to get me to go closer, I couldn’t move. I had no words to say. Eventually even my tears froze as I sat there taking it all in, not knowing what to think, do, say, or how to react.

There were many thoughts going through my mind that day. Reality was finally really hitting. Being in Japan and hearing what was happening, it hurt and I felt broken. But being home…Seeing the pain…Seeing the coffin…It really made it sink in as real even more then just hearing what was occurring. What I knew as broken before felt more like little cracks in comparison to what I was now feeling. (Kind of like Japan. It’s one thing to hear about the disaster and work that needs to be done. Pictures help to understand, videos really helped, but being there in person…hearing the stories…seeing their pain in their eyes…seeing the destruction and rubble…it’s a whole different ball park in comparison to just reading the papers and online news.)

As I watched my family from afar it felt unreal as a loving father took his precious 14-ounce daughter wrapped in pink out of the coffin they were to bury her in the next day. It felt unreal as her mother, my sister, gave her one last kiss on her little forehead and as great-grandparents held her for the first and last time (as they, like me, were out of town when all this took place).

Up until this point I didn’t know if I would hold her or not. In fact, I still hadn’t even gone up to look at her yet. This wasn’t due to a lack of desire – believe me. The desire was all there. The strength is what I feared I lacked.

When I realized it they were getting ready to put her back into the coffin for the last time, I jumped up realizing this was my last chance. This was my last chance to see her…to hold her…This was my last chance to create my first and last memory with her as she was out of the womb.

As they handed her to me she felt so light. Tears started to pour out of my eyes and down my face. I remember family surrounding us. I remember my mom saying, “Look at her little hand…” as she uncovered it from the blanket she was wrapped in so snuggly. She had five little fingers and a cute little nose. She was beautiful.

When putting her into the coffin for the last time she was given a little tiny Bible by her little hands. We also placed in a stuffed animal rattle that I had purchased in excitement for a future baby shower. Also with her I put in a little bib I had just purchased a couple of weeks before that said, “My heart belongs to my aunt.”

The next day we drove to the cemetery. As we got out of are cars, we saw other family members and friends standing under a tarp all dressed in black. We were guided to our seats where the service would take place. We heard a preacher speak and two beautiful songs, including, “Jesus Loves Me”. Before I knew it the service was over and it was time to lower Ashley into the ground. As my tears once more flowed down my cheek, my cousin Brett held me while shedding his own tears.

The last month has been an emotional roller coaster for all of us. We’ve all experienced some kind of anger, happiness, bitterness, sadness, and times of laughter. Many thoughts have run through all of our heads about all the situations surrounding our family. A month after all this has occurred I still feel the urge to run to Babies ‘R Us or Carter’s to buy a cute little pink frilly baby dress for my niece. Instead, I remember we all had to purchase black funeral ones for ourselves in mourning and sadness.

Everyday is different in our house. Some days are easier, some are harder. We all always think about Ashley. There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about her. I think about the memories that should have been made. I think about the ones that one-day will be made when we meet face to face and can hold a conversation. I think of her in her new body soaring on the wings of angels and being held by our Heavenly Father.

I’ve been battling the question, “Am I still considered an aunt??” It’s taken a while for me to figure out if I still am considered one until recently. When people ask me if I am an aunt, or if I have any nieces or nephews, my answer will always be “Yes!” without question. Ashley is as much part of our family and lives as anyone else with our shared DNA. My love for her started from the moment we knew she was in existence – before we ever even knew she was an “Ashley”. While she may not be with us physically anymore, she is always in our thoughts and hearts as our love for her always lives inside us.

Hey Ashley - I love you. And I am NOT afraid to say it!

The Travelin' Chick,

Crystal