Process of Healing

Today I went to a baby shower.  The baby shower was for a childhood friend and his wife.  They're having a little girl - and I am excited for their upcoming arrival.

This, however, is the first baby shower I have been to in a long time...And the first since my niece's death.

Many of you who have followed my blog consistently in the last couple of
years have probably noticed that I haven't really blogged about this topic in a while.  It has been over a year since I've brought it up.

Although I haven't written about this chapter of my life story in recent months, it is still a deeply tender area for my heart.  My heart still aches for the loss my family has experienced.  There still hasn't been a day where I haven't thought of my niece, Ashley.  In fact, it took me over a year and a half to visit her grave since the day of her burial.  Even then, I wasn't really sure if I was ready to visit...especially since my first time returning was with family at near Christmas time - and a visit to decorate her grave with jolly, colorful Christmas decorations in a place that holds one of my darkest and most painful memories.  No one wants to visit their niece at Christmas time at their grave.  Holiday decorating is suppose to take place in a warm home, scented with delicious traditions baking in an oven...not at a cold, scentless, gravesite. (And although I have been back once, I'm not sure if I can handle a second visit anytime soon.  I still struggle just by driving down a street, outside the cemetery borders, where she is buried.)

The ache isn't as fresh as it once was, as time has passed, and I have been healing.  But although I've been healing and continue to do so - I'm not sure if the ache will ever go completely away.  I guess only time will tell.

Maybe the death of my niece has slipped your mind - and that's okay.  Unless you're a close good friend of mine, or family, I don't expect you to remember every big life changing moment I have experienced.  With email, texting, Facebook, Twitter - it can be overwhelming to remember who has done what, who lives where, and who has experienced this or that.

For those of you who may be new to my blog - you can read the story of my niece's passing if you click here.    (Just as a warning: I've been told by a few people that it's best to have a tissue box nearby if you choose to click on the link.)

I wasn't really sure how I would emotionally react to attending the first baby shower since the death - especially when it's been nearly two years.

The first portion of the shower was spent with games.  I was fine with that and had a good time.  Then, the beautiful mother-to-be started to open the gifts that would bless her and her upcoming family of three...And that's when it happened.

My mind went to my sister and to Ashley.  My mind went to the pain of, "We never got to experience the joy of throwing them a baby shower."

Then, I remembered the gifts that I bought for Ashley.  Once we found out she was a girl, I started to slowly buy things in excitement of my niece's arrival.  I bought a couple of outfits, a child's Jamba Juice cup, a soft rattle, a rubber ducky, and other items a child could enjoy - or look adorable wearing.

Those items now sit in my hope chest in our guest/craft room...Locked away in a small space, still in the logo-marked bags from the stores they came from, as the receipt's ink fading away as time moves forward.

There are only two items that I no longer have - the rattle and a bib that said, "My heart belongs to my aunt."  My sister and brother-in-law asked me to add the rattle to the casket, and I was honored that they asked.  The bib?  That was my choice of item to leave with her.

Like I mentioned, I still have the receipts for the items I bought.  Although there was no longer a need for the items after her premature passing, I never could return the items.  Two years later - I still don't think I'd be able to make the returns.

My mom and I didn't stay long once the gifts were being opened.  Noticing a look in my mom's eyes and my urge to leave, I knew it was time to silently signal my mom, asking if she was ready to leave...Even though I knew I didn't need to ask.

Again, we're happy that the young couple will soon be having special memories of their own with their baby girl.  Naturally, it's an exciting time for their life!!...And it should be!  I'm glad that we were able to join the shower, even if we had to cut our time there short.  However, the death of my niece, my mom's first grandchild, is still hard for us in certain situations.  We want to celebrate with our and with others when a baby enters our world - but with moderations that our hearts can handle.  (Overtime I am sure we'll be able to handle things better and with more ease...One day at a time, one baby shower at a time.)

For each family member, I know that different things will trigger our emotions differently and at different times.  There will be many times when we'll think, "We never got to..." Or moments of thinking, "Ashley would have been ______ by now."

My mom's moments (as Ashley's grandma) will be different than my moments (as an aunt), and as Ashley's mom, my sister's moments will definitely be different, more intense, and more frequent.  Certain things will trigger emotions in all of us, and our emotions will vary in type and level, as will our trains of thought.  Some events will bring up the ache, while others go unfazed.  For example, sometimes people slip up and call my little cousin, Rayna, my niece.  Or they'll call me her aunt.  As many times as this has happened, I still can't figure out a way to avoid the heart-breaking pain that comes with innocent mistake.  While I am more like an aunt figure to the sweet 2-year-old little girl than a cousin figure, I have a hard time hearing people call me by this title or her under the title as my niece.  For my sister?  I think she likes it when she's called "Aunt Amanda" and doesn't mind if people mix Rayna up as her niece - and that's okay if she does.

Two years later, and I am still amazed to learn that mourning and healing is an ongoing process.

For those of you with grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or children - hug them tight and cherish every moment and memory.  You are blessed to have them in your life as you watch them learn and grow.

The Travelin' Chick,
Crystal

Themes of 2011: This Little Light of Mine

Today on Facebook I asked all of my friends, "If you year of 2011 had a theme, what would it be?" So far I've gotten about 11 responses from friends located all around the country. Many were different, some were the same, and some were rather similar. Answers (so far) have ranged from:

• Drama
• A Circus
• Is it over yet?
• Change
• Challenges
• Foreign Exchange
• Full of Excitement
• Roller Coaster

Many people couldn't list just one theme.

As I started to think about the responses and about what my own response to would be to my own question, what I found interesting is that while we have all lived a completely different year...Leaving 2011 we all have different stories to tell. Our themes are similar. Our emotions, levels of fear, joy, excitement - for some of us, they again, were similar to one another.

What is my own life theme to 2011? I, like many of you, can't list just one theme. If you've been following my blog or Facebook page you can tell my themes very well vary from one another. When watching a 2 hour movie, even in just two hours of one story, the producers and filmmakers don't usually keep it to one theme either. In a two hour movie you see action. You see drama, humor, and often you see a love story playing out in the mix. The actor's also go through a wide variety of "emotions". They play the part of anger, happiness, joy, sorrow, and fear. All of this is in just a two hour film. Two hours verse a whole year filled with 365 days, 24 hours in each.

Thinking about my own list of 2011 themes, and recalling many memories of the year, I think I would have to say that most of my themes consists of:

• Trials
• Change
• Challenges
• Family
• Bonding
• Sickness, cancer, infections, illness
• Fear
• Loneliness
• Death
• Hopeless to hopeful
• Anger, Depression, to Bitterness
• Strong to Weak
• Weak to being Stronger
• Shattered to Fragile
• Comfort
• Travel
• Missions
• Adventure
• Following God
• Operation Mobilization
• Helping Others
• Humor

Even in my different list of themes many of them mingle together.

Trials, Challenges, Sickness, Cancer, Infections, Illness, Death...
There were a lot of trials and challenges. There were many (and I mean many) sickness and trips to hospitals as loved ones were in the ER or being admitted. Death took my niece. Death tried to take my dad - three times. Three times in one year. Three times with different illnesses. (To read the summary of my story, check out: My Cardboard Testimony.)

I have a friend who often states that they have never been through am major trial. They've never lost a loved one, been sick, or had an ill family member. In a way that is a blessings for that friend and their family. However, until this year I never actually thought about how unfortunate that would be. I never realized what a blessing trials bring to your life and the perks of going through them. Yes, they are hard. Yes, they take you to the dark places of being lonely, depressed, anger, and bitter. But they also make you stronger. They can make you trust in God more than you had before the trial (this, although, is only if you do so on your own free will. It can make you run closer or father away.) You also realize what is truly important in your life.

Change
The way my mom said it to me one time earlier in the year, "Throughout the last few years the life that you have known has been completely turned up-side-down." For a brief summary just going back only to 2009: Throughout the last few years I finished high school through home schooling. I went away to college in TN. In TN I thought I found where I belonged. I had wanted to attend there to Study missions. While there I did just that as well as making loads of precious treasures of friends. I went from having my own room to having a roommate. Things were different going there. God took me there for a reason and I thought He was guiding me to stay. Instead, after my first year at FWBBC, I turned back around to head back to California. I went from a Bible College filled with friends, encouragement, and love, to my home state where friends my age are very few, back to my own room, and I went to a secular City College. (There is nothing wrong with secular schools at all. They are just extremely different than Bible colleges. The atmosphere and make up is just very different. Both schools have their perks.) 

This year My sister, brother-in-law, and there fury little animals moved into our small little house with us. There was less space in the house, more people, more animals, it became a crowd at times. Within the last few years dad's health has declined. Now I'm preparing to live out of the country for 4-5 months. The life as I know it has been "turned up-side-down". Although, I think my life is meant to have one change after another. It makes life more of an adventure and change isn't always bad. In the last few years change has brought me a precious baby cousin, a brother-in-law I enjoy pestering, golden opportunities, friends I'll always cherish, love, and enjoy, as well as many enjoyable and unforgettable moments. Change can be scary. But some changes can be good.

Anger, Depression, to Bitterness, Fear, and Loneliness
With all the trials and challenges I became angry. I went through my weeks of bitterness and depression. There were many countless sleepless nights filled with enough tears to fill a river. I went through a dark journey, feeling all alone. I had the realistic part my mind telling me, "God is with you! You are never alone! You have those that love you, who are praying for you and your family. Just looking at Facebook you can see a glimpse of just a few who are praying. You're not alone. You're family is also going through all the same things - just through different perspectives and different ways."...Regardless of my realistic mind telling me what I should of listened to, I still went through the dark tunnel of negative feelings and emotions. My emotions took over my usual mellow, calm, and realistic mind. I was overwhelmed with these emotions and with fear. Fear had me asking, "What's going to happen next?"

Strong to Weak, Weak to being Stronger
I thought I was strong. I was wrong. When the waves of life hit I broke. I emotionally shattered. I became weak, and even on this New Year's Eve I still feel weak from this year. I'm still working on getting back on my feet and regaining certain levels of confidence. However, in my weakness I became stronger. I've started to regain some of my levels of confidence. I still live on edge, fearing our year of "2011" isn't over yet. However - in a way I am stronger than when it all began, even in my weakness. I'm stronger in the fact that I know my family can make it through anything together. I'm stronger in my relationship and trust in the Lord. My testimony is stronger, because, while I am weak and it will take time to be able to get back on my feet a little more and gain the ability to fully tell my story, my story has grown. I can now help others that I was never able to help in the past. In the past I couldn't relate to those who lost a baby niece. I wasn't able to reach and help those who went through trial after trial.

Hopeless to Hopeful, Comfort
In my dark moments of depression, anger, fear, sadness, bitterness, and times of feeling completely alone I became hopeless. I literally hit rock bottom. At times I thought, "I don't even remember what it's like to be happy anymore." Then there were thoughts of, "Where are you in all of this, God? Why have you left us?" I never lost my belief in God. Let me just clarify this fact right away. I did, however, question Him. (But if you recall back to Matthew 27:46 you see that even though Jesus still knew God was there and that God had a plan, Jesus questioned why God had forsaken Him - His own Son - as He hung on the cross.) I questioned his plan for our lives. I questioned where He was in this story-line. There were many nights where I thought, "God, the Bible says you can do anything...You have the Almighty power! You could of saved my niece. She could still be alive today. Why didn't you save her?? Why won't you stop these storms?" I was hopeless in my deep dark pit thinking thing wouldn't be the same. Ever. Storm after storm would just keep coming our way.

The storms haven't completely stopped but they have calmed down. Even when the storms kept raging through my life there were times when instead of calming the storm, God calmed me. (Check out the song, "Sometimes He Calms the Storm".) God brought me comfort. Through His comfort I began to feel hopeful once again. I became hopeful for a better future. A future with less trials, sorrow, pain, and traded in with more joy, happiness, and blessings. I became excited for 2012 as it became a symbol of hope of a better year.

Shattered to Fragile
Throughout the time of trials I became emotionally and spiritually broken. Then I would put myself together again, re-breaking at each new trial. Eventually instead of just breaking - I completely shattered. Now as we enter 2012 I am no longer shattered. I'm no longer shattered but I am fragile. I'm tender. I'm still in a process of healing. And the thing about being fragile? That's not always such a bad thing. Becoming shattered and broken has opened my eyes. It's one thing to hear about an event or experience. It's another to go through the experience. When you hear about the experience you can feel sympathetic. You feel emotions for those who have gone through the trial or time of joy. However, once you go through it yourself? You relate. You put yourself in their shoes. The story might be different and you may not know 100% about how they feel or felt, but you understand the general concept of the situation and emotions as a whole. Being fragile and tender isn't always bad. It helps you feel deeper than ever before for something. It keeps you aware to those around you in similar story-lines.

Family and Bonding
My family went though a lot together. What most people go through in a life-time, we went through in a year. Things we went through together can either pull family together or pull them apart. Our family got closer. We bonded more. Our love for one another grew deeper. We spend more and more time together each week. Instead of seeing each other every Sunday at church with the occasional lunch or dinner throughout the week, there are some weeks and months where we easily see each other 2-4 times a week. One of my biggest blessings of 2011 was hearing many people say, "You have the most unique family. You guy are so close. Your family is special." Being in the storms and trials I saw pain and brokenness. Others on the outside saw our reactions. They saw how we responded. They paid attention to what we said and what we did. Other's saw our family stick together through it all pushing through the storms hand-in-hand.

Humor
A close friend once told me, "I don't know how you do it. I don't know how you've managed to make it through all of this still standing." There are the obvious reasons how my family and I made it through standing. We have one another, we have friends, prayers coming from around the world, God, and God's comfort. We had hope of a future. At the same time, humor was my cooping mechanism. When dad was in the hospital I would crack as many jokes as I possibly could to keep myself smiling and laughing, but also to keep my mom with a slight smile her face. Nothing feels better during a hard time than laughter . After all, laughter is the best medicine, right??

Travel, Missions, Helping Others, and Adventure
Boy, was my year filled with adventure! I was blessed this year to travel. I've done a bit of traveling in my 20 years, but never this much within a set of 365 days. In January I was able to visit friends in Nashville, TN. In May I started my traveling to Seattle to board a ship going to Canada and Alaska. From there I went back to Nashville to help my sister and brother-in-law move to California. I then had 26 hours at home before heading to Mexico to help build a home for a family living with a dirt floor and a leaking tarp above their heads (read: Carmen's New Home). After two weeks of resting, I went to Japan to help with Disaster Relief Work from the tsunami. I had to return home early, but had about two weeks off again before heading to youth camp to be with our church's girls for a week. Throughout the year I've also been able to go to the coast a couple of times and our family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc) took a weekend to go to the lake after my niece died. Traveling is always an adventure. I'm honored that I was able to hear the stories of the Japanese tsunami survivors...What stories they have to tell!! Fact is, I'm honored anytime I get to travel and experience another person's culture and the willingness they have to embrace foreign travelers from another land. While traveling I was able to meet other's of whom I will never forget. They've impacted my life more then they will ever know. I'm thankful for Facebook and email, as they help connect some of us over the miles.

Following God and Operation Mobilization
Throughout the year of 2011 I've been working on going with Operation Mobilization (OM) to Germany and London in 2012. I applied, I was accepted, and I've been working on fundraising. We purchased my ticket to leave for Germany the morning of the 16th of January. I will arrive in London about 10 days later after being at the "GO Conference" that OM holds every year. The trip is right around the corner! I am excited. I am nervous, and I am scared. I'll be gone for several months overseas. This will be an adventure that is sure to be life changing and a growing experience. Often I wonder what God has in store for my time in Europe. Soon I will be finding out!! (As an update, I have about $1,000 more to raise. If interested in learning about my trip, or how to donate, check out the pages listed at the top of this blog!) No matter what He has in store I am doing my best to follow where He has been guiding me. I only pray that I will be willing to be used in any way He can use me in this world. (Why do I do what I do? Because God's guidence and His calling on my life. Read: How Great is Our God (World Edition) for more detail.)

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What will 2012 hold? I can't help but wonder. Many themes of the upcoming year are a mystery. While many of the themes will be a mystery, there are a few that I know of in advance:

• Adventure
• Travel
• Following God
• Change
• Culture
• Missions
• Trusting God more and more Everyday

No matter the themes, I'm going to live my life to the fullest this year and for the years to come. Above I posted a video. Wherever my adventure of 2012 guides I am going to carry my candle with me. It will be one of my theme songs. I'm going to do my best to embrace what comes my way through my adventure with my candle's flames brightly glowing. This little light of mine? I'm going to let it shine!

The thought of 2012 truly does excite me. This is a year my whole family has been looking forward to as we leave 2011 with dreaded remembered memories. It is a year of hope of many blessings, moments of laughter, smiles, and good memories.

What are you looking forward to leaving behind in 2011? What are you looking forward to in 2012? What did you learn this last year and what were your life themes?

The Travelin' Chick,
Crystal

Not-So-Normal

In my last blog posting I wrote about my dad going to the hospital.  I wrote about sitting in the ER, him getting sick, and how that is a normal at this point in my life.  It's becoming normal as it has happened many times this year.  My dad has been the ER about 5 times, hospitalized three times.  The illnesses are becoming normal...the doctors, the ER, the hospitalizing...

My dad went to the ER on Thursday but was sent home.  My mom and I went to the coast for the weekend, the whole time both of us concerned for my father.  We were hesitant to go, but he, however, urged us to go as it would be the last get-away chance we would have together before I leave for London.  He would also have my sister and brother-in-law to help him if anything occurred, as they currently live under the same roof.

When we returned home, dad wasn't doing well.  In fact - he seemed worse.  I won't go into detail here on my blog, but it was all quite concerning.  The symptoms and signs were not good.  Seeing my reality in front of my eyes made my mind flashback to March.  I flashed back to his past illnesses when he almost died.  I flash back to when mom had to call the 911 hotline.  It was not a good feeling.  It was almost like living it all over again.

Sunday night, right after mom and I returned from the coast, dad chose to go back to the ER because he wasn't feeling right.  When he got there, they automatically hospitalized him as he came down with double pneumonia.  His oxygen levels were so low his doctor's were amazed he hadn't started turning blue.

Here we are.  Back in the ER, back in the hospital, back to our reality...all to what is becoming our "normal".  I'm still thinking that the hospital needs to buy some VIP recliner seats for each member of our family.

While all that is starting to become "normal", there are things that will never be normal.  The seriousness of some illnesses will never be normal.  Once the seriousness hits, it is a terrible and worrisome feeling.  Having my father almost die?  That will never be normal and it never gets easier.   It's not normal to be able to say, "Yeah, my dad almost died three times this year.  Each time from something different, but each time from a type of infection."  Living a life that inconstant in regards to his health?  Again, not normal.  When dad gets sick again (really bad kind of sick) and I start to have flashbacks and start reliving past experiences?  That may be normal...I'm not sure...But I know it doesn't feel good.  It doesn't feel like it's normal to have to experience any of the experiences and then to also relive them every time an illness occurs.

If you read my last blog entry (Normal to Feel Normal?), you may be asking, "How are you doing now?"  I've been better.  To summarize it...It's been a rough week for our whole household.  It's stressful, worrisome, and tiring.  We thought we were though the worst of the year, hoping and praying things were looking up, and here we are...right back to the starting point of our rough year.  (Maybe it'll end where is started??)

Dad is still in the hospital.  Yesterday my mom said, "He is still in the woods, but the trees are thinning."  Today the trees have "thinned" even more.  The doctors have been running tests and are impressed with his progress.  It feels good to know he is hiking out of the woods and I pray that dad continues to do so.  Thank you for praying with us and for us.  Please keep the prayer coming our way.

The Travelin' Chick,
Crystal

PS: If you missed my Facebook status update yesterday, I have made decision.  I've decided and realized why my family is in the hospital so much this year.  My theory?  I must be destined to meet and marry a good-lookin', kind, and single doctor.  We just barely keep missing one another in our paths...Not that being a doctor is a must for my future husband...but this theory...It's possible, right?? Although, I think it would just be easier to join a dating site and require only doctor's to respond to my profile.  It would save a lot of heart aches, fear, energy, time, and money.  Ha ha ha...Kidding.  ;-)

Candle Light

Today is October 15th. Today, the 15th of October, is National pregnancy and infant loss remembrance and awareness day. It's saddening to me that there has to be such a tragic loss that creates a remembrance day like today. It truly is heart breaking.

Tonight Angel Babies had a candle light service in memory of all the children that have already gone to heaven. Until tonight I hadn't ever been to a candle light service. There's never been any reason to go to one. One year ago I never thought I'd be attending such an event.

When arriving to the park where it was being held there was a $5 entry fee. Knowing what we were going for, it broke my heart. Instead of spending $5 on onesies, pacifiers, or cute little toys (...or if you're an amazing bargain hunter like my grandma - two or three baby outfits!), for a baby shower or random gifts from excitement, we were spending the $5 to go to an event to remember my niece...my niece that never even took her first breath. For me, this was the roughest moment of the evening.

There were a lot of people at the park for the event. I honestly wasn't expecting to see so many people there. If I could guess at an amount of people, there may have been up to 200...Maybe more, maybe a little less.

The sight was surprising. People "go all out" for this event. Many took balloons. Even more than that, people had t-shirts made with names of their babies and pictures of them as well. Some even created pins to wear on the shirts in memory of their child.

There were people there who have lost one child. Some who have lost two, three, or even four. Some of the children were lost as miscarriages, stillborns, or even after 8 full months filled with life, personality, and growth.

During the ceremony there were prayers prayed, poems read, and songs performed. In memory of each child their names were read off during a ceremony. As the child's name was read off, their parents turned their candle on (yes, they turned them on...They were electric candles.). Those who took balloons released them at the same time.

Hearing her named said out loud by a strangers lips was an odd thing. We often talk about her in our own home and family, but I don't recall ever hearing someone with different blood say her name out loud.

Looking around tonight I saw many people with candles in their hands representing their children who are now in Heaven...The children who we will all one day meet and see again. While this is a discouraging sight, there was also encouragement. While in one hand held a candle...In many people's other hand, they held a stroller, car seat, or infant. They held the hand of their toddlers, or their pregnant swollen bellies.

It's an encouragement for me personally because while my family is going through the loss, it's a reminder that while things are hard now, there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. While we will always miss Ashley while always aching and longing to hold her, the pain will one day get more bearable. (Although I do realize some days will hurt more then others...as that's how it is now.) It's also a reminder that while our family has experienced so much sorrow, pain, heartache, tears, and burdens, there are more joyous days to come filled with good surprises, smiles, tears of joy, and big blessings. (Not to say that there aren't any blessings, surprises, or smiles now...There are many blessings in everyday of life. Sometimes it just feels smothering when it rains and pours trial after trial, and we as humans sometimes forget to look at what is going right in life.)

If you find my blog to be repetitive of the issue of my niece's death, I am sorry. Just bear with me for a while for this is a process for me as well as a huge part of my life. It's a process to mourn more days then others, to think of her, to experience the milestones. While I absolutely love (which truly is an understatement!) that you are reading my blog, it's kind of like what a good friend told me when I started to write on this online journal. "Your blog isn't really for other people. It's for you." My blog is for me to post about life as it is. ("Life as it is"....Maybe that should have been the blog name instead??) It's meant for me to reflect on the day, week, or month that I have had. To be able to look back at old entries and say, "I remember when God brought me out of that situation." Or, "I can see how God has been working through this experience now that some time has passed." Or, simply just to remember how I felt. And like I've mentioned before, I can only pray that out of my experiences - the good and the bad - that others will find certain entries relatable and help them realize that they aren't alone in feelings and emotions.

Tonight if you were to drive by my house, you would see a candle light coming from the kitchen window. It's the light representing our love for my niece, forever burning inside our hearts. It's the light that says, "We will never forget her."

Thank you for reading.

The Travelin' Chick,

Crystal

Honesty

Here is an honest blog. Throughout the last few months, with everything that has been occurring in my family, I've had my up and down moments. I've been angry, jealous, mad, and I have been happy and at peace. I've been bubbly and I've been cranky. There are days with hope and excitement, and days that seem to have no end as they are filled with depression and tears.

One month from Wednesday I am suppose to be an aunt. The due date of my niece has swiftly come upon me. I don't know what the thoughts are of my family members. However, for me personally, November 5th is a day that I do not look forward to. It's a day I dread.

Instead of buying cute mini frilly little pink dresses and cute little rattles for my niece, about three months ago we pulled out our grown-up black dresses and ironed black suits. Instead of celebrating new life we mourned the premature death of Ashley, my niece. Instead of watching her sleep in her crib, we watched her being lowered into the ground in a tiny pink casket. (The smallest I have ever seen.)

We mourned the lose of a beautiful child and the lose of excitement and future dreams. As we mourned (and still do mourn), we mourn never being able to make eye contact, hear her laugh, or hold a verbal conversation with her. We mourned never getting to watch her grow up and bloom into a beautiful woman. I have personally mourned not being able to be that "cool aunt" that spoils her niece rotten...just to return her to her parents hyped up on sugar from the fresh batch of unbaked cookie dough.

Often I wonder if my feeling are normal. I'm not sure if it's normal to feel the way I do as an aunt of a precious child that now spends her time with God in Heaven. While knowing she's with our creator brings me a certain kind of peace in life, I still go through a lot of pain and heart ache. I'm not sure if it's normal to still have urges to go buy her toys and adorable clothes. I wasn't her mother, I am just her aunt. While I'm not her mother, my arms often long to hold her. Instead they feel empty. Some days are good for me emotionally and mentally, but some days are worse due to a random trigger of hearing her name in a crowd, seeing a dress I want to buy her, or even hearing about others with excitement of becoming an aunt or uncle.

There are have been many times that I have been sadden by the lack of being able to see Ashley grow up. I'll never get to teach her how to make an origami flower. My camera will never capture her moments of laughter, or moments of first steps or as she rides a bike for the first time. (For me it's extremely odd to have a niece and to have never snapped a photo of her and I often regret not doing so.) We won't get to talk about boys or about her first date. I won't be able to one day take her on a trip, or share my passion of traveling and missions.

When I feel like this I then try and remind myself, while we on earth have had the chance to live and experience many things...She is in Heaven experiencing something so much better that we still haven't had the chance to experience ourselves. She is able to sit at the throne of God praising Him with her every being in a way that we strive for here on earth. While her feet will never touch earth's soil, her heart will also never feel the pain that living on earth brings. She forever will have the complete peace and joy that only God can give her...The joy and peace that we often miss out on due to the complex design of life that sin has brought our way. And while she cannot travel to Japan or go on an Alaskan cruise, she sees true beauty. She sees what beauty was intended to be before the fall.

When my arms feel empty and the desire to hold her, I remind myself, "She's with God now." Ashley can literally walk and talk with God face to face. God can literally and physically hold her hand as they walk down the beautiful roads of Heaven. Whenever I feel the desire to give her a hug, I imagine God bending down to give her the sweetest of embraces - and this comforts me. One of the best feelings I have ever had in my life time is when my grandpa and I hold hands. His hands are so big and strong, yet soft and loving. I can't even imagine what physically holding God's hand or being hugged by him is like once in the pearly gates of Heaven.

While I remind myself that Ashley is in God's hands, I still struggle. Sometimes a lot, sometimes a little. Each day is different - as it's different for my sister, my mom, brother-in-law, and dad.

As we go through this experience we're all still trying to figure out the kinks and details of what it's like to be aunts, parents, and grandparents. What do I say when I'm asked if we have any nieces or nephews? What is the best response when asked if my mother and father have any grandchildren? While we are parents, aunts, and grandparents, it's still an awkward question that we often dread having to answer due to the complicated answer and pain it brings to our hearts. In my mind I often do wonder, "What is it like to be an aunt? What is like to hold the precious child and to watch them grow up?"

As I end this blog, let me leave you by saying that when I write what I write at times, I do not write in hopes to gain your sympathy. In fact...Sympathy is not what my family and I need. When I write what I write it is meant to let you know what's going on in my life. It's meant to help others going through similar situations. It is my prayer to be able to use my story to help others so they realize that they are not alone in what they go through. It's my hopes that it might help others realize that what they're going through is a normal process.

When you finish reading what I write and leave my blog all I ask that if God lays me or my family on your hearts, pray for my family. Pray for me...pray for my parents, my sister and brother-in-law, my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. (Or whomever the blog is about.) Pray for those who are unknown and going through similar situations.

Sincerely,

The Travelin' Chick,

Crystal

Going Home

*This is a lengthy and slightly scattered entry...While it's long in words, it only briefly covers my thoughts, emotions, and only a fraction of the story.*

"You need to come home."

It's a phrase I remember all too well. I was in Japan a few weeks ago (helping with disaster relief work) when this was said to me. It was a phrase so unexpected - just as unexpected as the situation taking place at home.

Within 24 hours of landing in Japan I received a text from my mom telling me to call her as soon as possible. Knowing that phone calls and texts to and from Japan aren't the cheapest from the USA (even with a special plan), I knew something was wrong. Honestly, considering my dad's health this year, I figured it had to do with him. I assumed he was back in the hospital for a third time.

Once I got a hold of my mom back home in California I found out my theory was all wrong. Dad was okay. She was okay. This time around my sister and my niece were the ones who were in the hospital.

At this point my sister, Amanda, was about 22 weeks pregnant with my niece. Just a couple of weeks earlier we found out who my niece was. She was Ashley Elizabeth. Ashley would be my sister and brother-in-law's first daughter. Their first child. She would be my first niece, my parent’s first grandchild, and my grandparent’s first great-grandchild.

Now at 22 weeks within the womb, my sister found them sitting in the hospital being told the odds weren't good. The amniotic fluid was leaking. One more week is all they needed to increase the odds to better ones. Bed rest was a necessity and we would all know more in a few days.

In my mind I honestly thought, "Everything is going to be okay. God is in control. He'll take care of them. I'll make it home in about a week. Things will be okay and if she has to come early - I'll be home for Ashley's grand entrance into the world."

Stories and stories of God's care and miracles kept coming to my mind, encouraging me. I was worried, but praying about it I put it all in God's hands. Being in Japan I couldn't do anything about the situation other then pray and have my team members pray. Even if I had been home I still couldn't really of done anything more then what I was already doing.

A few days went by. During those few days a lot was accomplished. The team I was on in Japan took a night ferry from one island to another to get to the disaster-affected area. We got to where we were staying during our time volunteering. We met new friends with shovels in hand. We worked and we sweat. We laughed at silly moments (probably increased by jet lag). We cried for the Japanese and the destruction, horror, lose, and pain they have had to face in their lives and for the stories and memories they have to bear. (And again, there will be blogs about the whole trip and with the stories of the Japanese survivors.)

One day after several hours of bagging up rubble from where a house once stood we got back to the gym that was our temporary home. I hadn't looked at my phone all day. When I did I saw a missed call from my aunt and text messages saying to call her "ASAP". This is when I knew there must have been a drastic turn in events back home.

Calling her back she informed me that my sister had suddenly gotten an infection. An infection that sent her fever well above 100 degrees. The doctors made the call to induce labor. My niece’s arrival would more then likely occur within the next 24 hours. The odds weren't good at all. She had less then 1% chance to live. They still had her heart beat, but we wouldn't know anything until she was born.

In that moment as I sat in the gym on my sleeping mat, phone pressed against my ear, tears started to roll down my cheek. Other then the basics of the situation, all I remember my aunt heart-brokenly saying, "I am so sorry Crystal...I am so sorry." All I could really ask in reply was, "When will they know if she’ll make it? When will they know?" More then likely, we wouldn’t know for a few hours or until she was even born.

A few hours later the team was headed to the onsen on the bus, I got the call. My sister was still in labor but Ashley didn't make it. My sister would be giving birth to her beautiful daughter as a stillborn.

This was all so unexpected. The pain of losing my niece has caught me off guard. I had no idea it could hurt so much to lose a child that I never got to know. My heart was breaking, knowing I would never even get to hold her. Everything that could happen seemed to be happening to our family in the recent months. I was thousands of miles away as my family was being hit by one of the strongest storms we've had to go through together. Confusion hit me as I thought, "I thought God wanted me to come to Japan, but why would he want me here when my family needs me there? Why is all this happening - especially now?"

During the days in Japan I truly felt mostly okay. The work kept us busy. The laughter and silly moments kept me laughing. Our team kept me encouraged and prayed for my family often.

Nights were the worst for me. That’s when life slowed down. It’s when I was alone in my own little world and thought process. It’s when there was silence…Silence where my mind could wander back home, back to where I knew the pain and shock of the situation was devastating my family.

After working in Japan I ended up going home about two days early. I was leaving on a Monday and the visitation for Ashley was Tuesday. The service would be Wednesday.

Those few days were a blur. Leaving Japan I felt heartbroken. Every time I leave the wonderful country of Japan I feel as though I leave a little bit of my heart behind. Once on my plane I spent over 24 hours flying, arriving home in California before I ever left the country of Japan. (Yay for time differences!)

Tuesday came as my sister knocking on my door awaked me. Together we talked and we cried. She told me that I would, after all, still have a chance to hold Ashley if I wanted the chance. My sister and brother-in-law also asked me if I was willing to put a soft stuffed animal rattle I had bought Ashley in the coffin with her. “We would be honored if you chose to put it in with her, but we understand if you don’t.”

I knew I had to give her the toy and I was honored that they asked. When pulling down the bag of baby stuff mom and I had been collecting, to retrieve the item, I thought to myself, “This isn’t right. This isn’t supposed to be pulled down until her baby shower. This is suppose to be used in a time of celebration.”

Walking into the visitation room tears instantly trickled down all of our cheeks as the little pink coffin came into our vision. Instantly I couldn’t help but think, “No coffin should ever be that small.”

During the first 30 minutes or so of being in the room I couldn’t get myself to go past the back row of the chapel. As my family walked to the front crying and hugging one another, I sat in the first chair I saw - frozen. As a couple of family members tried to get me to go closer, I couldn’t move. I had no words to say. Eventually even my tears froze as I sat there taking it all in, not knowing what to think, do, say, or how to react.

There were many thoughts going through my mind that day. Reality was finally really hitting. Being in Japan and hearing what was happening, it hurt and I felt broken. But being home…Seeing the pain…Seeing the coffin…It really made it sink in as real even more then just hearing what was occurring. What I knew as broken before felt more like little cracks in comparison to what I was now feeling. (Kind of like Japan. It’s one thing to hear about the disaster and work that needs to be done. Pictures help to understand, videos really helped, but being there in person…hearing the stories…seeing their pain in their eyes…seeing the destruction and rubble…it’s a whole different ball park in comparison to just reading the papers and online news.)

As I watched my family from afar it felt unreal as a loving father took his precious 14-ounce daughter wrapped in pink out of the coffin they were to bury her in the next day. It felt unreal as her mother, my sister, gave her one last kiss on her little forehead and as great-grandparents held her for the first and last time (as they, like me, were out of town when all this took place).

Up until this point I didn’t know if I would hold her or not. In fact, I still hadn’t even gone up to look at her yet. This wasn’t due to a lack of desire – believe me. The desire was all there. The strength is what I feared I lacked.

When I realized it they were getting ready to put her back into the coffin for the last time, I jumped up realizing this was my last chance. This was my last chance to see her…to hold her…This was my last chance to create my first and last memory with her as she was out of the womb.

As they handed her to me she felt so light. Tears started to pour out of my eyes and down my face. I remember family surrounding us. I remember my mom saying, “Look at her little hand…” as she uncovered it from the blanket she was wrapped in so snuggly. She had five little fingers and a cute little nose. She was beautiful.

When putting her into the coffin for the last time she was given a little tiny Bible by her little hands. We also placed in a stuffed animal rattle that I had purchased in excitement for a future baby shower. Also with her I put in a little bib I had just purchased a couple of weeks before that said, “My heart belongs to my aunt.”

The next day we drove to the cemetery. As we got out of are cars, we saw other family members and friends standing under a tarp all dressed in black. We were guided to our seats where the service would take place. We heard a preacher speak and two beautiful songs, including, “Jesus Loves Me”. Before I knew it the service was over and it was time to lower Ashley into the ground. As my tears once more flowed down my cheek, my cousin Brett held me while shedding his own tears.

The last month has been an emotional roller coaster for all of us. We’ve all experienced some kind of anger, happiness, bitterness, sadness, and times of laughter. Many thoughts have run through all of our heads about all the situations surrounding our family. A month after all this has occurred I still feel the urge to run to Babies ‘R Us or Carter’s to buy a cute little pink frilly baby dress for my niece. Instead, I remember we all had to purchase black funeral ones for ourselves in mourning and sadness.

Everyday is different in our house. Some days are easier, some are harder. We all always think about Ashley. There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about her. I think about the memories that should have been made. I think about the ones that one-day will be made when we meet face to face and can hold a conversation. I think of her in her new body soaring on the wings of angels and being held by our Heavenly Father.

I’ve been battling the question, “Am I still considered an aunt??” It’s taken a while for me to figure out if I still am considered one until recently. When people ask me if I am an aunt, or if I have any nieces or nephews, my answer will always be “Yes!” without question. Ashley is as much part of our family and lives as anyone else with our shared DNA. My love for her started from the moment we knew she was in existence – before we ever even knew she was an “Ashley”. While she may not be with us physically anymore, she is always in our thoughts and hearts as our love for her always lives inside us.

Hey Ashley - I love you. And I am NOT afraid to say it!

The Travelin' Chick,

Crystal