Even when She doesn't Like Donuts

This picture is from last year, December of 2013, taken
after my ankle surgery.  This is a knee caddy.

(If you saw my recently blog entry, Casts: Just Another Canvas Full of Potential, you know that I've recently reinjured my right ankle.  For the last few weeks I have had limited mobility as I hop along with my new, blue, beautifully decorated accessory on my leg - a cast.)

"Crystal, come with me to my room so we can play!!", Rayna exclaimed cheerfully on Christmas day.   Gliding down the hallways of her house on my fancy, better-than-crutches, knee caddy with my blue cast resting upon the leather seat, I followed my excited 4-year-old little cousin who was ready to play with her newly opened Christmas toys.

Once arriving to her princess/Mickey Mouse themed room she instantly sat on the floor and started to play with her new Lincoln Logs.  I stood there casually, on my one good leg watching her, as I talked with another family member in the room.  And then I ate it.

Before I realized what was happening, my still-bent right knee with my casted leg abruptly hit the (thankfully) carpeted ground.  Confused as to how I could fall while standing perfectly still (I mean, I know I'm accident prone...but even that was a weird one for me!), I looked at my knee caddy and instantly knew there was no way I'd be getting back on it.  There was no way, as the seat was tilted and broken off the base of the scooter.

For the rest of Christmas day, I went back and forth from the living room to Rayna's room by the use of my crutches...All while Rayna continuously asked me throughout our time together, "Crystal, why do you have so many owies?"

She even imitates my passion for
taking silly face pictures.

Today, nearly one week after Christmas, my grandmother sent me a video of my 4-year-old cousin pretending to walk on crutches.  With the help of a child's upside-down broom stick and the support of my grandfather, she dangled her right leg in the air - keeping it from touching the ground.  (I've included the video at the end of the entry, after receiving her mother's permission to post it.)

Replying to my grandmother's text, I asked her what inspired the moment of the video.  She told me, "I think it's 'who' and not what.  Maybe you??"

It was a humorous video to watch, and I had a good laugh...but it was also a good reminder of how observant children are and that they are constantly trying to imitate the actions of those that they look up to.

Rayna is in a BIG Crystal phase right now.  She's always asking when she can see me again and telling all her friends that she loves family dinners because, "I get to see Crystal!" During Christmas dinner she even made a lengthy toast filled with her thankful heart, ending it with, "...I'm just so thankful for this great big universe, but most of all I am thankful forrrrrr CRRRYYYSSTAAALLLL!!"

A few weeks ago my my mother and I went to see Rayna and her parents - Krispy Kreme donuts in hand.  (Which are a valuable delicacy for my city since we don't have a Kripsy Kreme locally.)  Ignoring the donuts, Rayna pulled me towards her parents bed and had me read her one of her favorite books.  At some point I told her, "Hey - there are donuts in the living room...Do you want a donut?  I love donuts.  They are one of my favorite treats."

As we sat to eat our donuts, once back in the living room, Rayna exclaimed, "I just LOVE donuts!"  Her mom, my aunt Felicia, looked at me and said, "Um...What?  No she doesn't.  She doesn't like donuts - she never has.  I think your little cousin is trying to impress you."

I think it's safe to say that she's currently my biggest fan.  Or, at least, one of them.  And she's watching me.  She's eagerly and dilligently listening to my words and to the things I say. She's trying to figure out how to be like me, trying to impress me when she copies my actions and says the things that I say - even when she doesn't like donuts.

As a new year begins I know that many people are reflecting from their year in 2014.  They are setting their New Year's Resolutions. People are striving to find new ways to live a better life in the coming days - and that's great!

As we get ready for our new year by reflecting how we spent the last 12 months and as we plan how to spend the next year, let's not forget the influence we have on others.

Maybe you don't have a 4-year-old cousin watching your every move who begs you to read the classics of The Poky Little Puppy every time you go to her house.  But
maybe you have a 12-year-old nephew, an 18-year-old granddaughter, little sister/brother, or you hold a leadership position in a church or school.

In the middle of our reflection and attempts to have a better new year let's ask ourselves,  "Am I living the kind of life I want my ______ (cousin, child, sibling...insert name here.) to imitate??  Am I choosing actions that I want them to choose?  Am I living a life I want them to live?"...Because their little eyes are watching, their ears are listening, their minds are memorizing, and their actions are copying.  They're ready to tell you that they love donuts, even when they never have...just to impress you.

The children in your life, whether they be your own or not, are looking up to you for guidance.  Even if you don't think you are - you are a role model.  You are someone else's inspiration.  You represent what someone wants to become.

The Travelin' Chick,
Crystal

Process of Healing

Today I went to a baby shower.  The baby shower was for a childhood friend and his wife.  They're having a little girl - and I am excited for their upcoming arrival.

This, however, is the first baby shower I have been to in a long time...And the first since my niece's death.

Many of you who have followed my blog consistently in the last couple of
years have probably noticed that I haven't really blogged about this topic in a while.  It has been over a year since I've brought it up.

Although I haven't written about this chapter of my life story in recent months, it is still a deeply tender area for my heart.  My heart still aches for the loss my family has experienced.  There still hasn't been a day where I haven't thought of my niece, Ashley.  In fact, it took me over a year and a half to visit her grave since the day of her burial.  Even then, I wasn't really sure if I was ready to visit...especially since my first time returning was with family at near Christmas time - and a visit to decorate her grave with jolly, colorful Christmas decorations in a place that holds one of my darkest and most painful memories.  No one wants to visit their niece at Christmas time at their grave.  Holiday decorating is suppose to take place in a warm home, scented with delicious traditions baking in an oven...not at a cold, scentless, gravesite. (And although I have been back once, I'm not sure if I can handle a second visit anytime soon.  I still struggle just by driving down a street, outside the cemetery borders, where she is buried.)

The ache isn't as fresh as it once was, as time has passed, and I have been healing.  But although I've been healing and continue to do so - I'm not sure if the ache will ever go completely away.  I guess only time will tell.

Maybe the death of my niece has slipped your mind - and that's okay.  Unless you're a close good friend of mine, or family, I don't expect you to remember every big life changing moment I have experienced.  With email, texting, Facebook, Twitter - it can be overwhelming to remember who has done what, who lives where, and who has experienced this or that.

For those of you who may be new to my blog - you can read the story of my niece's passing if you click here.    (Just as a warning: I've been told by a few people that it's best to have a tissue box nearby if you choose to click on the link.)

I wasn't really sure how I would emotionally react to attending the first baby shower since the death - especially when it's been nearly two years.

The first portion of the shower was spent with games.  I was fine with that and had a good time.  Then, the beautiful mother-to-be started to open the gifts that would bless her and her upcoming family of three...And that's when it happened.

My mind went to my sister and to Ashley.  My mind went to the pain of, "We never got to experience the joy of throwing them a baby shower."

Then, I remembered the gifts that I bought for Ashley.  Once we found out she was a girl, I started to slowly buy things in excitement of my niece's arrival.  I bought a couple of outfits, a child's Jamba Juice cup, a soft rattle, a rubber ducky, and other items a child could enjoy - or look adorable wearing.

Those items now sit in my hope chest in our guest/craft room...Locked away in a small space, still in the logo-marked bags from the stores they came from, as the receipt's ink fading away as time moves forward.

There are only two items that I no longer have - the rattle and a bib that said, "My heart belongs to my aunt."  My sister and brother-in-law asked me to add the rattle to the casket, and I was honored that they asked.  The bib?  That was my choice of item to leave with her.

Like I mentioned, I still have the receipts for the items I bought.  Although there was no longer a need for the items after her premature passing, I never could return the items.  Two years later - I still don't think I'd be able to make the returns.

My mom and I didn't stay long once the gifts were being opened.  Noticing a look in my mom's eyes and my urge to leave, I knew it was time to silently signal my mom, asking if she was ready to leave...Even though I knew I didn't need to ask.

Again, we're happy that the young couple will soon be having special memories of their own with their baby girl.  Naturally, it's an exciting time for their life!!...And it should be!  I'm glad that we were able to join the shower, even if we had to cut our time there short.  However, the death of my niece, my mom's first grandchild, is still hard for us in certain situations.  We want to celebrate with our and with others when a baby enters our world - but with moderations that our hearts can handle.  (Overtime I am sure we'll be able to handle things better and with more ease...One day at a time, one baby shower at a time.)

For each family member, I know that different things will trigger our emotions differently and at different times.  There will be many times when we'll think, "We never got to..." Or moments of thinking, "Ashley would have been ______ by now."

My mom's moments (as Ashley's grandma) will be different than my moments (as an aunt), and as Ashley's mom, my sister's moments will definitely be different, more intense, and more frequent.  Certain things will trigger emotions in all of us, and our emotions will vary in type and level, as will our trains of thought.  Some events will bring up the ache, while others go unfazed.  For example, sometimes people slip up and call my little cousin, Rayna, my niece.  Or they'll call me her aunt.  As many times as this has happened, I still can't figure out a way to avoid the heart-breaking pain that comes with innocent mistake.  While I am more like an aunt figure to the sweet 2-year-old little girl than a cousin figure, I have a hard time hearing people call me by this title or her under the title as my niece.  For my sister?  I think she likes it when she's called "Aunt Amanda" and doesn't mind if people mix Rayna up as her niece - and that's okay if she does.

Two years later, and I am still amazed to learn that mourning and healing is an ongoing process.

For those of you with grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or children - hug them tight and cherish every moment and memory.  You are blessed to have them in your life as you watch them learn and grow.

The Travelin' Chick,
Crystal

The Mixed Feelings

It's official!!  Thanksgiving has come and gone as Christmas quickly approaches within this month.  I keep asking myself, "Is it already the time of the holiday season?  How'd we get back to this season so quickly?"  As they say here in America, "Time flies!" - and it sure does!!

The holidays have started, the cold weather has arrived here in California, and it has hit me.  In LESS than a month and a half, I will be leaving my home state and my country.  I literally leave NEXT month.  I even got my new passport this week. Wow!

I will be leaving my home, family, the life I know, routine, and my usual comfort zone.  Obviously I've known since about March (or was it April?) that I was leaving for London in January of 2012.  In March, the trip, however, was still months away.  (Even now I'm not quite sure it has fully hit me that the trip is so close!)

It's odd to think I'm leaving the country NEXT month.  While I have known it was coming it still slightly feels like it has been sneaking up on me.  Ever since finding out about my acceptance (and even before being accepted) I was in prayer about the trip.  It's been in my mind for months as I have prayed and worked on fundraising.  However, at the same time, I haven't had much time to actually sit back and think about the trip itself in a complete sense and the fact that it is near.  Throughout the year I have been busier than usual and I've had to really focus on family.  I've had to grieve loss and other situations in life, go to classes for college, and have made other travels for other shorter term mission trips.  My mind has been on many things and my focus and energy has been divided among many things.

As I think about the trip with OM to Germany and London I get excited.  I think to myself, "I can't believe where God has been leading me and where I'm about to go."  In all my life, until this year, I honestly never saw God leading me where He is leading me for the upcoming year of 2012.  I never thought that God would open doors and have the ability to take a semester off college to go and serve Him overseas in whatever way possible.  In my mind I always thought of longer termed mission trips being after college once I had a degree.

I'm excited to see what the months overseas hold for my life.  I am excited for the experiences, to meet new people, and to see what God is doing in England.  I'm excited to see how God is going to guide and use me while I am there and to be able to take part in His plan for London.

At the same time of being excited I am also nervous and scared.  For the most part it's a good kind of nervousness and fear.  It's the type of fear and nervousness that comes with the unknown and not knowing what to expect.  It's the type of fear and nervousness of temporarily living in a culture and country I've never even visited.  I've lived in one house all my life, in one state, in one city.  Well, except my one year in a dorm room in Nashville. (And the main culture differences about California and Nashville, Tennessee?  Pretty much greener grass, humidity, more rain, more fried foods, and a southern twang.)  The longest I've ever been overseas was for 10 days or so at a time.

There are a lot of things to fear when traveling.  You can fear getting lost, losing your luggage (or the airport losing the luggage!), adapting to cultures, making friends...etc...etc...But for me, while some of those issues make me slightly nervous, the other part of my fear comes from leaving my family for so long after such a time of craziness (read My Card Board Testimony).  To a degree it terrifies me.  It's taken me a while to stop constantly think, "What's next??" or, "Something else is going to happen.  I just know it."  Once many things happen, one illness and sickness after another, it can leave a girl feeling frazzled and on edge of thinking something else bad is right around the corner.  These feelings and thoughts burned on my brain for months but have finally slowed way down.  I have much less paranoia that danger is lurking around the corner.

All that being said...It's a scary thing to leave family and the ones you love the most for any length of time in general.  I think out of all the things that make me nervous, this is the biggest of them all.  While the feelings of danger being right around the corner have calmed way down and I'm not nearly as paranoid, I have my fears of more possible trials to come my families way while I am away.  In particular, my father's health.

Life is a journey.  Sometimes the journey is easy and sometimes it is hard. We all take different roads and trails and have different stories to tell.  Life is a fascinating thing and mixed emotions and feelings are expected to come for any given part of our life's journey.  There are moments of laughter, sadness, tears, joy, happiness, and excitement.  There will be some friends of whom will come and go, helping you become who you are along the way. The journey I have taken in my last 20 years had definitely been an interesting and unique one to take.  I cannot wait to see what God does with the next 20 years, let alone the next 6 months!  I am glad you are tagging along with me through my blog!

The Travelin' Chick,
Crystal

PS: As a financial update, I should have only $3,200 left to raise for my mission trip!  I'm more than half way there from the original $7,000!  If you feel led and able to give check out my donations page.  You can donate via PayPal or by mail.  Or if you want to know how to pray, check out my prayer page!  Or, if you're completely in wonder about what I'm doing and where I'm going (or maybe even about who I am!) there are pages for that too here on my blog.  Check them out and be in touch with any questions and/or comments!! :-)