Process of Healing

Today I went to a baby shower.  The baby shower was for a childhood friend and his wife.  They're having a little girl - and I am excited for their upcoming arrival.

This, however, is the first baby shower I have been to in a long time...And the first since my niece's death.

Many of you who have followed my blog consistently in the last couple of
years have probably noticed that I haven't really blogged about this topic in a while.  It has been over a year since I've brought it up.

Although I haven't written about this chapter of my life story in recent months, it is still a deeply tender area for my heart.  My heart still aches for the loss my family has experienced.  There still hasn't been a day where I haven't thought of my niece, Ashley.  In fact, it took me over a year and a half to visit her grave since the day of her burial.  Even then, I wasn't really sure if I was ready to visit...especially since my first time returning was with family at near Christmas time - and a visit to decorate her grave with jolly, colorful Christmas decorations in a place that holds one of my darkest and most painful memories.  No one wants to visit their niece at Christmas time at their grave.  Holiday decorating is suppose to take place in a warm home, scented with delicious traditions baking in an oven...not at a cold, scentless, gravesite. (And although I have been back once, I'm not sure if I can handle a second visit anytime soon.  I still struggle just by driving down a street, outside the cemetery borders, where she is buried.)

The ache isn't as fresh as it once was, as time has passed, and I have been healing.  But although I've been healing and continue to do so - I'm not sure if the ache will ever go completely away.  I guess only time will tell.

Maybe the death of my niece has slipped your mind - and that's okay.  Unless you're a close good friend of mine, or family, I don't expect you to remember every big life changing moment I have experienced.  With email, texting, Facebook, Twitter - it can be overwhelming to remember who has done what, who lives where, and who has experienced this or that.

For those of you who may be new to my blog - you can read the story of my niece's passing if you click here.    (Just as a warning: I've been told by a few people that it's best to have a tissue box nearby if you choose to click on the link.)

I wasn't really sure how I would emotionally react to attending the first baby shower since the death - especially when it's been nearly two years.

The first portion of the shower was spent with games.  I was fine with that and had a good time.  Then, the beautiful mother-to-be started to open the gifts that would bless her and her upcoming family of three...And that's when it happened.

My mind went to my sister and to Ashley.  My mind went to the pain of, "We never got to experience the joy of throwing them a baby shower."

Then, I remembered the gifts that I bought for Ashley.  Once we found out she was a girl, I started to slowly buy things in excitement of my niece's arrival.  I bought a couple of outfits, a child's Jamba Juice cup, a soft rattle, a rubber ducky, and other items a child could enjoy - or look adorable wearing.

Those items now sit in my hope chest in our guest/craft room...Locked away in a small space, still in the logo-marked bags from the stores they came from, as the receipt's ink fading away as time moves forward.

There are only two items that I no longer have - the rattle and a bib that said, "My heart belongs to my aunt."  My sister and brother-in-law asked me to add the rattle to the casket, and I was honored that they asked.  The bib?  That was my choice of item to leave with her.

Like I mentioned, I still have the receipts for the items I bought.  Although there was no longer a need for the items after her premature passing, I never could return the items.  Two years later - I still don't think I'd be able to make the returns.

My mom and I didn't stay long once the gifts were being opened.  Noticing a look in my mom's eyes and my urge to leave, I knew it was time to silently signal my mom, asking if she was ready to leave...Even though I knew I didn't need to ask.

Again, we're happy that the young couple will soon be having special memories of their own with their baby girl.  Naturally, it's an exciting time for their life!!...And it should be!  I'm glad that we were able to join the shower, even if we had to cut our time there short.  However, the death of my niece, my mom's first grandchild, is still hard for us in certain situations.  We want to celebrate with our and with others when a baby enters our world - but with moderations that our hearts can handle.  (Overtime I am sure we'll be able to handle things better and with more ease...One day at a time, one baby shower at a time.)

For each family member, I know that different things will trigger our emotions differently and at different times.  There will be many times when we'll think, "We never got to..." Or moments of thinking, "Ashley would have been ______ by now."

My mom's moments (as Ashley's grandma) will be different than my moments (as an aunt), and as Ashley's mom, my sister's moments will definitely be different, more intense, and more frequent.  Certain things will trigger emotions in all of us, and our emotions will vary in type and level, as will our trains of thought.  Some events will bring up the ache, while others go unfazed.  For example, sometimes people slip up and call my little cousin, Rayna, my niece.  Or they'll call me her aunt.  As many times as this has happened, I still can't figure out a way to avoid the heart-breaking pain that comes with innocent mistake.  While I am more like an aunt figure to the sweet 2-year-old little girl than a cousin figure, I have a hard time hearing people call me by this title or her under the title as my niece.  For my sister?  I think she likes it when she's called "Aunt Amanda" and doesn't mind if people mix Rayna up as her niece - and that's okay if she does.

Two years later, and I am still amazed to learn that mourning and healing is an ongoing process.

For those of you with grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or children - hug them tight and cherish every moment and memory.  You are blessed to have them in your life as you watch them learn and grow.

The Travelin' Chick,
Crystal

Anger with God

“I can’t…I can’t love or forgive myself…I just can’t.”

Sitting in a local café in London, I was talking with a lady from Romania (that we will call “Valerie”).  Before I even met her I could tell she was hurting and broken.  By her facial expressions, body language, etc, I could tell that she carried a heavy weight of pain in her life.

Valerie already knew on of my Korean friend whom was also a part of the conversation in the café.  In fact, my Korean friend talked to her all day and I was only able to talk to her for two hours, as I was committed to be at our book table and couldn’t stay the whole time. 

During the two hours I spent with Valerie I couldn’t help but notice how my heart ached for her obvious pain and hopelessness.

If you read my last blog entry, you know that my goal and prayer was to be able to use my testimony while out on the streets meeting people.  Truthfully?   In the first month or two I don’t think I was quite ready to share my story with a complete stranger.  My wounds were still raw and stinging with pain.  In fact, I struggled enough sharing my story with people I had known for month (or longer) without starting to cry.  But now?  Now I was ready.

While talking with Valerie, God prepared and opened a way for me to share what He has been doing in my life throughout the last year.  (My Korean friend also got to share her testimony as well!)  As she spoke, Valerie said something such as, “I shouldn’t be angry at God.”

I don’t know the cause of her pain nor do I know what past action she is trying to forgive herself.  What I do know, and what I can relate to is anger.  I know what it is to be angry with God.  (I’m human…what can I say?)

Once she finished speaking, I spoke up saying, “I know what it’s like to be angry with God.  This I year went through at least two months where I literally woke up and went to bed angry.  There were days when, while I still believed in God, I really just didn’t even want to talk to Him.”

Giving me a curious look, I continued.   As I told her my story I told her everything in the order that each event took place.  But in summary, I shared with her about the heartaches of 2011.  I shared of my dad’s three illnesses that lead to three hospitalizations, nearly taking his life each time.  Recalling back to my year, I also told her of my niece, Ashley, and how she died while I was in Japan, but was able to hold her for the first and last time before we buried her.  Then I told her of my grandmother’s second round of cancer, as well as other family cancer scares…Not to mention my own ankle injury and surgery, and other family illnesses/emergencies.  If you’ve followed my blog, you know most of my story as I wrote as it all took place.  (Although, my blog doesn't cover my whole story...so if you ever want to know the full edition, feel free to ask.)

After I told her of all the heartaches I went through, I also told her, “I was angry about my life, my situation, and eventually realized that ultimately, I was just angry at God.  I was angry for what seemed like a lack of protection and for Him not healing my baby niece in a way that would let her live.  Once I realized I was angry and admitted to God of my pain and emotions, God was able to start repairing my brokenness, pain, and fears.  But even now, just four months after everything took place, I am still learning from God about this issue.

“I’m learning that I can’t always change the ways of my own heart as much as I attempt to do so…I have to pray for God to change what I can’t change on my own – like my anger I held towards Him, as well some of the bitterness that is still stored in my heart…And sometimes, that’s a daily prayer.   It’s not always a prayer we pray only one time in our lives.  It’s not always that simple.  We have to remember to continually go to Him and rely on Him, not ourselves.   

“No matter how we feel – God knows.  If we’re angry with Him – He knows.  We might as well tell Him and start repairing the cracks in our relationship with Him that our anger and bitterness causes.”

Throughout telling her my story and all that I had to say, she seemed like she was focused.  In the end she asked me many questions. Granted, there is the fact that she’s from Romania.  English isn’t her first language and there were some miscommunications through some of what was said.  (For example: I was telling her of my “baby niece”.  The first time I said that she said, “You’re baby??”  Since I have no children of my own, I quickly explained that it was not my own child but my sister’s.)  

I’m praying that God was able to use my imperfect words and testimony for His glory regardless of communication barriers caused from our two very different languages.

I told Valerie that she could always start by praying to God to help her find a way to love herself and to forgive herself for whatever she has done in her past…To change her heart in a way she can’t change on her own.  She told me that she couldn’t and wouldn't do that.  In reply, I asked, “Can we pray for you?  Can we pray that God will show you a way to forgive and love yourself – even if you can’t?”  She told me that we could.

I told her, “If our Great and Might God can still love you and forgive you, then it’s okay for you to do the same.  You might not be able to forget your past, but that’s okay.  God can help you learn through your story and use to help other people who can relate one day in the future.”

As we ended our conversation (at least, the first two hours that I was apart of...My dear Korean friend stayed with her to talk for a few hours more) I shared with her Jeremiah 29:11, and how it reminds us that God has a plan for our future.  Just before leaving the table, I told her, “I just can’t help but imagine God looking down on you, His child, His daughter, thinking to Himself, ‘My precious Valerie, I love you more than you will ever know, and I have forgiven you.’”  I also told her of how God must ache for His own hurting daughter.  (Knowing how much my heart aches for her, I can't even begin to imagine how God must feel when He sees how much she is hurting.)

If Valerie comes to your mind, please pray for her...

• Pray that she can love and forgive herself.
• Pray for God to change her heart in a way she cannot change on her own.
• Pray that she finds peace and joy through our one and only God.
• Please pray that regardless of my imperfections and our language barrier, that the important parts that God wanted her to hear she not only heard, but also listened to them as well.

The Travelin' Chick,

Crystal

Weak and Broken

Recently I was able to talk to a friend on the phone that I haven't talked to in a while. It was a good conversation that I really enjoyed. It was a joy to catch up on each other's lives. While it had been a while since we last talked, it felt like no time had passed between our last conversation.

One of the first things she told me excitedly was, "Guess what!! I'm going to be an aunt!!!" My first question was, "Do you want a niece or a nephew?" She told me, "I'm cool with whatever...but a niece would be really cool."

I am truly excited for my friend. I remember being in her shoes, finding out about a siblings wonderful news. It's an exciting feeling and one that should be celebrated!

In my excitement for my friends, a thought keeps coming to my mind, "This week I should have become an aunt." I think, "I should be calling her in a few days to say, 'I AM an aunt!'"

My nieces due date has arrived. This upcoming Saturday was the day doctors estimated her arrival into our lives. Little did they know that they were a few months off, and the time of smiles and excitement would instead be a time of sorrow and tears.

This week I am reminded that grieving is a process and not just a phase. During the last month or so I've been mostly doing pretty well. Like I've mentioned many times before, each day is different. Each moment is different. But in comparison to the first few months, I've felt pretty strong and emotionally well. I've been replacing my anger with happiness, my tears with laughter, and my sadness with joy. I've been thankful for the change in emotional scenery thinking, "I am finally getting back to my usual self!"

Then this week came. Before I even found out my friends news I started to struggle. (And let me just add: It's not that she's becoming an aunt that makes me struggle. I am truly joyful about the addition to their amazing family and am SO glad she called to tell me!! What hit me was just the phrase, "I'm going to be an aunt"...) I started to struggle more around Saturday, literally the week before she was due. I struggle when I see my sister get an add for Babies 'R Us, I struggle when I see my sister's heart breaking, when hearing someone crying down the hall, when recently hearing the song they play in the hospital ER every time a baby has been born...I struggle.

I've been fighting my sadness and tears once again. During my grieving process I previously struggled with flashbacks of everything...The text messages of my mom wanting me to call her, the call of the news, the long flight home, holding her for the first and last time, looking into the ground where her casket would forever lay...Memories I wish I could erase have been embedded in the front of my brain. Not only have I been fighting my sadness and tears again, but my flashbacks as well.

Grieving isn't something you can just be done with, like a phase. Grieving is a process. Just like in any process some steps are easier than others. One part of a process can be hard, then easy, then to hard again. Just like my grieving.

This week is a reminder of how weak I still am. It reminds me that while I don't feel shattered like I did in the beginning, I am still so very broken and still healing.

If you know me well enough you know that I am usually not an emotional person. I usually do well suppressing the "negative" emotions that I feel. While I know that's not the healthiest way to handle emotions of that type, it's how I often cope. This week I've been in control of my emotions pretty well from the outside perspective. I've been "myself" as I put up a wall and mask of being completely calm, smiling, and happy. Most who have interacted with me or that will interact with me probably can't tell my current internal battle. On the inside, sorrow and sadness are tugging at my heart. Tears have almost started falling from my eyes many times for no reason at all, except for just the reason of feeling sad.

When you read my blogs describing my grief, please don't feel like you have to walk on egg shells when you talk to me or while you're around me. If you're a friend of mine becoming, and aunt, tell, me! I will celebrate with you. I want to celebrate with you!! While I've never gotten to experience the usual part of being an aunt, I fully remember the part of finding out the news, the excitement, and the shopping in expectation. It's a wonderful joyous time.

This whole grief thing in the aspect of death is new for me. While I've dealt with personal grief due to serious sicknesses in the family, I haven't really dealt much with death in a way that is so close to me personally. You may wonder, "How can I help? What can I do? What shouldn't I do?" As I have been grieving death and sicknesses from this year, here are just a few thoughts that have come to my mind from my experiences and perspective:

• Pray. Let a grieving person know that you are praying. (Just don't forget to actually pray.)


• Facebook comments/messages and e-mails are nice...however, a card, or even a phone call is even better.


• Don't be afraid to call...especially if you've been in a simlar situation...and even if haven't been in a simlar situation. It's okay if you don't know the words to say...There isn't a script for tough situations. Sometimes a grieving person wants to talk to someone but doesn't feel comfortable calling another person to share their burdens (even if they've been told to call anytime). And even if they don't open up share their burdens, it feels nice knowing that someone has called to check on them as it is an encouragement.


• When you're talking to a person who's family has been going through a hard time and a storm, don't just ask, "How is ____ (Fill in the blank) doing? And how about ______??" Remember to ask, "How are YOU doing?" If someone is the daughter of a sick father, or the aunt of a a child that now spends her time in Heaven, she is also affected - even if she isn't the parent of the child or the spouse of the sick. While this person may not mind updating you, this person is not just a reporter for their family. She (or he) too have also been going through the storm and more than likely been struggling as well, needing and wanting a pair of willing and listening ears.

Grieving is a process. It's a process where I learn and experience new feelings, thoughts, and emotions. My family has already been told many times, "You're going to be grieving the loss of Ashley for all of your life, especially with milestones and holidays. You will always love and miss her. However, with each year that passes the pain just gets more bearable and you learn to cope."

Often I've prayed, "Lord, break my heart with what breaks Yours." This year I've truly been learning what breaks His heart. It breaks his heart to see His creation hurting, for His people to lose those that they love, and to see us struggling. While going through these experiences hurt, I know that I have changed in some ways. I'm not sure exactly how yet, but I know that God has given me a tender heart in areas where while it was tender, it wasn't nearly as tender as it is now. Going through certain experiences I can now relate to many who are going through similar situations...While I am still hurting, I will be able to reach out to those that I before wouldn't be able to just because of my innocence in regards to the situations. God has given me a bigger vision for new passions I wouldn't have without my experiences.
My vision has expanded, new passions have grown, interests have increased, and my heart has been broken and in turn has made me more tender. Grieving is a process...and with this process I am growing as a person and trying to learn what God can show me through this experience.

I am weak and broken...But I am not letting this pain go to waste.

The Travelin' Chick,
Crystal