Let's Skate!

When I was trying to find the poem I wanted to publish with my last entry How light is too light??, I had to go through some of my old journals to find it.  Since I have my journals out of their usual spot, I started reading through one of them tonight.  The specific journal I'm reading through at this moment starts from when I was 9-years-old and in the 4th grade.  Reading it, I came across this entry:

Dear Diary,
When I wrote about when Brett broke his arm at Cal-Skate, I forgot to tell you something.  Can you guess?  Landon** asked me if I wanted to do the couple skate with him.  I said no.  There are a lot of good reasons I said no too.  #1, he was skating with somebody else.  #2, I was too tired at that time.  Got to go Diary.

Again.  Please keep in mind that I was 9 when I wrote this.

Landon was the boy I had the biggest crush on throughout part of my childhood.  (And to let you know who the other character, Brett, is - he is my cousin.)

This may be silly to some, but reading this entry, I had this life revelation…Or whatever you want to call it.

Reading my aged pen scribbles, and even though I told Landon "no" at his request - I can tell how much I truly wanted to skate with Landon.  I can tell what my true desires were not just through this entry, and other previous ones I read before coming to this page, but I can remember how head-over-heals I was for this kid.  (Well, if 9-year-olds wore heals, anyway.)  I remember being nine.

As I read it, I can dissect it in deeper ways other probably can't and won't.  Not only am I the author who penned this important moment in my personal history, but I am the character who lived in the moment.  I know who I am.  I know my tendencies and my bad habits. 

First tendency/bad habit - I told Landon "no".  I wanted to live in the moment and skate with him.  Yet, I denied myself what I wanted in life.  I denied myself a dream coming true.  Sure, he probably only wanted to skate as friends even thought a specific song was dedicated for couples to skate along, but who cares?  He offered.  I wanted.  I said "no".

Not only did I tell him no, but bringing in my other bad habit and tendency - I also made excuses for myself to give him the answer I gave.  I made excuses to deny myself a moment in life that could have been a great memory.  I was tired.  He had been skating with someone else.   Whatever.

Really, I think the boy just made me nervous.  (You know, since I liked him.)

Again - I realize I was only 9 when I wrote this.  Yet, I can't help but wonder how many dreams I've denied myself?  I can't help but wonder what would happen if I said yes more than I said no…What have I missed out on?  I can't help but wonder, why do I let fear turn possible memories into missed opportunities?  And why do I make excuses, and validate doing so??  Why am I sometimes too afraid to live in the moment?

Even when I tell myself I'm not good enough at something.  When I think negative thoughts about things that I love, things that I should be proud of, it damages the possible outcome and possibilities.  When I say, "I'm not skilled enough at photography" or when I think, "I'd really love to attend Gallaudet University - but it's too expensive and hard to get into.  It's too much work and it'll probably never happen."…Every time I tell myself these lies, I am damaging myself.  I am damaging myself worth and my self-esteem.  I start believing negative lies, making it more likely for them to become true.

My photography could use improvement, yes.  But nobody is perfect at any thing.  Not even Ansel Adams is perfect with a camera in his hand.  He may be great, but I bet even he feels like he can improve in areas.  When I start to tell myself I'm not skilled enough, I should do something about it.  Instead of marinating in negativity, I should embrace a challenge.  I should go out with my camera and photograph something beautiful.  Or, I could pick up a photography book and brush up on new or forgotten knowledge.

I do want to go to Gallaudet.  I want to be an interpreter for American Sign Language.  My theory is, what better way is there to learn a language than to immerse myself within the culture where the language is used??  I feel as though if I attended the college, my ASL skill set would improve…but…The idea of going makes me nervous, just like the time when Landon asked me to skate.  That's when I have to remind myself of a few things.

Sure the college is expensive, but nothing is impossible.  That's what a search engine and scholarships are for.  And the school may be harder to get into if you're hearing (as it is a university for the Deaf), and it might be a challenge to go to a college that is in a second language different from your first...but I will never know what the future could hold if I don't try.

Yeah.  I wrote the journal entry with bright, 90's color-changing gel pens before I was in the double digits of age…But that's not really the point.  The point is, as I reread it, I've realized a pattern in my life.  A pattern I sometimes become immune to noticing.  A pattern I can clearly see I have traced throughout the last 13 years of my life throughout different situations.

Here's to pushing fear aside!  To living in the moment!  I owe it to myself to confidently put myself out there.

Let's shake off those nerves and make memories!!  Let's skate with those who ask!  After all…You only live once.

The Travelin' Chick,
Crystal


**Name has been changed.

Blind Ignorance

A couple of weeks ago I boarded a plane to head towards Nashville.  During the first plane ride, I slept.  For the second flight, I thought and prayed, "Lord - it's really temping to take another nap.  However, I'd really like to sit next to someone who is deaf.  It'd be great to make a new friend, to have more experience using, and learning, sign language."

Little did I know...God had a bit of humor planned for my day.

A 20-something-year-old man boarded the plane shortly after I did.  I was able to tell straight-away that he was blind, as he used a fold-up stick to walk down the aisle and as a flight attendant helped him find his seat...which was right next to mine.

I thought, "Okay...Not exactly what I meant, but that's okay."

Talking to the man, he shared a little bit about being blind.  From what I gathered, he has been blind all his life.  He told me how people often ask him (once they realize that he's blind) if knows and uses sign language.  He also shared about how awkward people can be about his blindness.

At one point, I said something to the affect of, "It can sometimes be fun being different than what society is use to."  I guess that was the wrong thing to say at first.  Defensively he said, "Different??!?  What do you mean by different?!??"

Oops...I momentarily forgot an important factor - he's blind, and he can't see my face.

Realizing he wasn't able to see my face, I briefly explained that I have a birthmark that covers half of my face.  (To which he said, "That's SO awesome!!!!!!!")  So, I too, have 'fun' stories from people who don't know how to properly react to unique differences.  Little did I know, he was about to become one of those stories himself.

Fascinated by my birthmark, he used his hand and covered his eyes asking, "Is it like an eye mask??"  Then, while covering a cheek, he continued, "Or is it like a two-face?"  I told him, "Umm...I guess it's a two-face."  He then asked, "Oh.  Have people ever called you a 'two-face' before?"  I told him, "Actually, yes.  I was called that once as a child."  His response was, "Really??"  As I reflected back many years, I told him, "Yes.  Honestly, I don't really recall being made fun of much by other children, as I usually struggle with ignorant adults and rude strangers.  However, the one time I remember being made fun of in grade school was being called a two-face in the school cafeteria."  All he could respond to that was, "Oh."  Usually I don't reflect on that memory with people I know, let alone strangers.  He asked, and kept digging, so I shared.

We would discuss different things but he would bring the topic right back to my birthmark.  He would ask, "Do people stare at you all the time?  I bet they do."  I answered, "Yes, they do."

Then the conversation topic changed once again.  I think we went back and forth from "normal" topics to the topic of my birthmark at least four or five times.  By round five, and because of his mean-sounding tone, I was starting to get frustrated and irritated by the man.

Before I knew it, he was right back to the topic of my birthmark as he told me, "I'd much rather be blind than to have a birthmark on my face any day."  Although I decided against it, I almost told him that my birthmark threatens the vision that I have in my left eye, as I use medication to fight going blind on a daily basis.

I wasn't really sure how to react to his statement.  In that moment, I was grateful he couldn't see my reaction - as I'm sure I probably had the expression of shock and confusion.  Baffled by his comment, the thought came to my mind, "How do you know that you'd rather be blind?  You can't even see my face to know what it looks like." (Thank goodness for the ability of having internal dialogue!)

Soon after that thought, I also caught myself thinking, "I'd much rather have a birthmark covering my face than to be blind."

Moments after that thought crossed my mind, I came to a realization.  People, including myself, are comfortable with what they know.  They are comfortable with what they are use to.  For the blind man, being blind is what he knows.  Having half a purple face would be completely new territory that he doesn't understand with a bit of the unknown.  But for me??  I know what it is like to have half of a purple face.

I understand what circumstances are brought by having this different facial feature.  When it comes to people's stares, comments, health, and how it affects my life overall - I get it...Just like the blind understand their blindness, and the deaf understand what it is like to be deaf.

On the flip side?  The idea of being blind scares me.  Becoming blind is a fear of mine as I love seeing the world and the beauty God has created.  Not to mention, fear of not being able to partake in my love for photography.

Overall, the conversation with the man was really awkward.  His attitude and tone were not friendly and came across as quite rude.  While he couldn't physically stare at me, the way he would ask questions and the fact that he would keep bringing my birthmark up (even though we would completely change topics...multiple times) - I felt as though he was staring at me through his words and his comments.

I'm pretty sure that this was one of the weirdest and most uncomfortable conversations I've ever had.

The Travelin' Chick,
Crystal

The Mixed Feelings

It's official!!  Thanksgiving has come and gone as Christmas quickly approaches within this month.  I keep asking myself, "Is it already the time of the holiday season?  How'd we get back to this season so quickly?"  As they say here in America, "Time flies!" - and it sure does!!

The holidays have started, the cold weather has arrived here in California, and it has hit me.  In LESS than a month and a half, I will be leaving my home state and my country.  I literally leave NEXT month.  I even got my new passport this week. Wow!

I will be leaving my home, family, the life I know, routine, and my usual comfort zone.  Obviously I've known since about March (or was it April?) that I was leaving for London in January of 2012.  In March, the trip, however, was still months away.  (Even now I'm not quite sure it has fully hit me that the trip is so close!)

It's odd to think I'm leaving the country NEXT month.  While I have known it was coming it still slightly feels like it has been sneaking up on me.  Ever since finding out about my acceptance (and even before being accepted) I was in prayer about the trip.  It's been in my mind for months as I have prayed and worked on fundraising.  However, at the same time, I haven't had much time to actually sit back and think about the trip itself in a complete sense and the fact that it is near.  Throughout the year I have been busier than usual and I've had to really focus on family.  I've had to grieve loss and other situations in life, go to classes for college, and have made other travels for other shorter term mission trips.  My mind has been on many things and my focus and energy has been divided among many things.

As I think about the trip with OM to Germany and London I get excited.  I think to myself, "I can't believe where God has been leading me and where I'm about to go."  In all my life, until this year, I honestly never saw God leading me where He is leading me for the upcoming year of 2012.  I never thought that God would open doors and have the ability to take a semester off college to go and serve Him overseas in whatever way possible.  In my mind I always thought of longer termed mission trips being after college once I had a degree.

I'm excited to see what the months overseas hold for my life.  I am excited for the experiences, to meet new people, and to see what God is doing in England.  I'm excited to see how God is going to guide and use me while I am there and to be able to take part in His plan for London.

At the same time of being excited I am also nervous and scared.  For the most part it's a good kind of nervousness and fear.  It's the type of fear and nervousness that comes with the unknown and not knowing what to expect.  It's the type of fear and nervousness of temporarily living in a culture and country I've never even visited.  I've lived in one house all my life, in one state, in one city.  Well, except my one year in a dorm room in Nashville. (And the main culture differences about California and Nashville, Tennessee?  Pretty much greener grass, humidity, more rain, more fried foods, and a southern twang.)  The longest I've ever been overseas was for 10 days or so at a time.

There are a lot of things to fear when traveling.  You can fear getting lost, losing your luggage (or the airport losing the luggage!), adapting to cultures, making friends...etc...etc...But for me, while some of those issues make me slightly nervous, the other part of my fear comes from leaving my family for so long after such a time of craziness (read My Card Board Testimony).  To a degree it terrifies me.  It's taken me a while to stop constantly think, "What's next??" or, "Something else is going to happen.  I just know it."  Once many things happen, one illness and sickness after another, it can leave a girl feeling frazzled and on edge of thinking something else bad is right around the corner.  These feelings and thoughts burned on my brain for months but have finally slowed way down.  I have much less paranoia that danger is lurking around the corner.

All that being said...It's a scary thing to leave family and the ones you love the most for any length of time in general.  I think out of all the things that make me nervous, this is the biggest of them all.  While the feelings of danger being right around the corner have calmed way down and I'm not nearly as paranoid, I have my fears of more possible trials to come my families way while I am away.  In particular, my father's health.

Life is a journey.  Sometimes the journey is easy and sometimes it is hard. We all take different roads and trails and have different stories to tell.  Life is a fascinating thing and mixed emotions and feelings are expected to come for any given part of our life's journey.  There are moments of laughter, sadness, tears, joy, happiness, and excitement.  There will be some friends of whom will come and go, helping you become who you are along the way. The journey I have taken in my last 20 years had definitely been an interesting and unique one to take.  I cannot wait to see what God does with the next 20 years, let alone the next 6 months!  I am glad you are tagging along with me through my blog!

The Travelin' Chick,
Crystal

PS: As a financial update, I should have only $3,200 left to raise for my mission trip!  I'm more than half way there from the original $7,000!  If you feel led and able to give check out my donations page.  You can donate via PayPal or by mail.  Or if you want to know how to pray, check out my prayer page!  Or, if you're completely in wonder about what I'm doing and where I'm going (or maybe even about who I am!) there are pages for that too here on my blog.  Check them out and be in touch with any questions and/or comments!! :-)

My Cardboard Testimony (Blog Style)

Before you read the rest of this entry, please watch this video first:

Last month we had our California FWB Women's Retreat at the ECCO center in Oakhurst. Now, if you're a FWB California lady and you've never been to one of the annual retreats, you are missing out. It's a wonderful time to relax, laugh, meet others, bond with your church group, and become refreshed as you grow in God. This year's speaker was Amberly Neese. She is a wonderful lady full of humor and encouragement. (At the end of this blog I'll provide some links to her website and a youtube video.) It was a really good weekend.

During one of the services we watched a Cardboard Testimonies video. (There are many on Youtube and I couldn't remember which exact one we watched.) After we watched the video we were all handed an index card by the worship team. On one side we were suppose to write our testimony in a summary. On the other side we were suppose to write what God has done for us through our testimony...Just like what was done in this video. Once we finished writing we were suppose to hang our cards up along the room.

When handed this card I honestly had no idea what to write. Honestly, I still don't know what to write. I currently feel like there isn't just one or two sentences to describe what I had to write. I didn't need a piece of cardboard. I needed the whole cardboard box!!

While mine wasn't as "short and sweet" as other's that wrote their own, I think that's okay. The exercise was therapeutic for me. In my mind I've thought about life's ups and downs a lot. However, other then the occasional Facebook status update, I hadn't really written about what was occurring, my thoughts, feelings, and struggles.

I meant to pick up my card once the retreat was over. Instead I became busy and distracted with other things around me before leaving. This isn't exactly what my Cardboard (AKA: Index Card) had written on it as I can't remember exactly what I wrote, and I've also made some adjustments with some updates, but this is the basic summary of my testimony for the first side:

• My dad almost died in March from an infection, while being hospitalized for two weeks.
• Dad almost died again, was hospitalized again in May.
• We moved my sister and her husband across the country in June, to temporarily live with my parents and I, in expecting of their first child.
• My grandmother was diagnosed with her second battle of breast cancer in June.
• About one week later, while in Japan doing disaster relief work, my baby niece died and was born as a stillborn at 14 ounces. After coming home early for the visitation and burial service, I was able to hold her.
• A week later my sister (yes, the same one) had an emergency appendectomy.
• My youngest aunt found a lump and had to be tested for breast cancer. Found out she had a rare non-cancerous tumor that would need to be removed and have further testing for 100% confirmation. (There wasn't any cancer!)
• Found out a family member needs surgery for a physical issue.
• I, myself, became injured. Now needing surgery two months before going overseas. (Surgery has a one month healing time...But I just view this as a small speed-bump in comparison to this year.)
• Dad's health is still struggling.
• Been dealing with a lot of anger, some depression, and much fear. (While these three major things were a big personal battle for a few months, and a really big part of my life, I can now say they are less frequent. It has taken me a long time to admit to these feelings and battles, but do not want to deny that they have been in my life this year.)
• In the middle of the craziness I've been trying to raise $7,000 to serve overseas for 4 1/2 months in Germany and London. (I still have $5,700 to go...with less than a month and a half to raise the rest of this money.)

On the flip-side of my card, for the first time, I focused on what God had been doing. On what blessings God had given. This is what it said (again, updated to keep it current):

• God hasn't left my side once. He's stuck by me, never leaving.
• He's given me the gift of humor and laughter to find the funny moments in life.
• God has also given me an amazing family that is uniquely close and tight-knit to get through this storm together.
• Where God guides, He provides. He's showing me this in many ways.
• Friends from around the USA and world have been praying and encouraging my family.
• I've been replacing my anger, fears, and depression with happiness, trust, and joy!

What's on both sides of your card? Maybe you're like me. Maybe right now you're going through that storm and you just can't summarize the experience in a way that makes sense yet. Or, maybe you've just finished going through a storm that you can now summarize into one or two sentances that express your testimony.

The view I've always had in life is that life is like a puzzle. God is the only one who can see the preview on the cover of the box, and He is putting together a beautiful picture that only He can currently see or even fathom. Once in place, all the pieces come together with beautiful picture. (And we all know that a picture can easily say 1,000 words.) I truly do believe that through our pain and we will have a strong and beautiful story to tell. It's just in the writing phase.

Going through a storm is an interesting thing. Being in the storm we can sometimes only see the rain, pain, and heart ache that it brings our way. Yesterday my eyes were opened to a new perspective for my own personal storm.

While being in this storm I've only looked through my own eyes. As I visited with some local friends yesterday at a church I saw my life and current family situations through their eyes. What I've been seeing as painful, heart breaking, hard, and being full of fear, they saw as bravery and inspiring. To me this was at first a shock, but also a huge eye opener and encouragement. Never before had I thought, "What my family's continuing faith and story saying to other people?" (I've always said, "I wonder how God can one day use this?", never, "What is it saying to others right now?") Before this rough time in my family's lives I also never realized how truly blessed I am to have such an amazing family that is so tight-knit. I never realized the rarity in this. Within the last two months I've been told by at least five people what a unique family I have, which is another refreshing outside perspective.

What are you seeing in your current storms and struggles?? What positive things does your story say to those around you? Try looking at your situation from a new angle. I never realized how refreshing it could be to do so.

What is your story?

The Travelin' Chick,

Crystal

Romans 8:28

Amberly Neese's information:

Website: http://www.amberlyneese.com/

A Funny Youtube Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mecQl86eleY

Fight, Flight, or Freeze

Last week my sister and I were talking about Halloween. I don't remember what brought up the topic. What I do remember is her saying, "We have to go to a haunted house!!" Without pause I started laughing. Not just a chuckle, but a real laugh followed by a, "No!" Amanda, my sister, instantly asked me, "What is so funny? And why not??"

Then I began to reminiscence...

Thinking back, I think I was about 12 or 13 when this took place. My cousin, Brett, and good friend at the time, Jonathan, and I decided to go to a haunted house. (We were sometimes like the 3 Musketeers for a few years. We did a lot together.) This would be the first time for me to ever step foot into one of these fear inducing places.

Being the nervous girl I was, I made a guy stand on both sides of me. I refused to be the first foolish person of our group to enter first, and I definitely refused to be the last one to go through! In the middle I felt protected and less likely to be followed or to be bothered by the humans that were dressed up and paid to scare us. (As I just wrote the word "scare", I almost left off the "e" by accident. Then I realized, "Scar" or "Scare" - they both work with equal affect!)

I'm not a very jumpy person. At least, I don't think I am. It's been a while since I've been in this haunted house...but let me tell you...I remember being very jumpy that night. Not only was I jumpy but I bet I even let out a few squeals too...Which is not like me. Even on a roller coaster making the big drop, I am good just smiling as I enjoy the fall.

Turns out my theory was wrong as well. It doesn't matter where you stand in the middle of your friends. If you're in the fear inducing building, you're fresh bait. They go after everyone.

As I am telling this story to my sister I came to the point of why I refuse to go into a haunted house ever again. Why won't I go to one ever again? My answer to her was simply, "For the safety of others."

They say that in certain situations people either do one of three things: fight, flight, or freeze. That night I found out that I seem to be a bit of a fighter when the proper situation arises.

When those hired to scare us got close enough, without thinking, my reflexes reacted. Before I could stop myself, I stuck my hand out and slapped them as hard as I could as I continued on my "merry" little scared way. Let me tell you...This didn't happen just once. This happened TWICE. To top it off, I think I even slapped one person twice because they wouldn't back off soon enough. (Maybe that should count as three times?)

Oh, and a minor little detail? This was a homemade haunted house. (Although for the record: This home did this every year for many years in a row. It was very legit!...at least for a 12 year old.)

Now my sister is stating, "Oh, we're SO going now!!" Is it just me, or am I crazy to think that she is just wanting a good laugh at my expense (and the poor people I would end up slapping)??

A note to my sister: I'm still not going! No way!

The Travelin' Chick,

Crystal

PS:

(Too bad most fears in real life aren't that simple to slap away.)