The Opposite of Funny

Today is April Fool's Day.

It's a day in America where pranks and jokes are taking place throughout the whole day. It's a day when you can't trust anyone, and any bit of news is unreliable - especially online. (You know. It's just like what Abraham Lincoln once said, "You can't trust everything you read online!"…Right??) It's a day when doubt plants itself in every moment of that specific day, not know which moment or set of information we can accept as fact.

I love jokes. I enjoy a good prank. I didn't see or hear many jokes this year, but out of the few I heard, my favorite one was created by a child in kindergarten at the school where I work.

It was lunch time and my coworker was talking to a 5-year-old boy while helping him put his straw into his milk. He told my coworker, "I had eggs for breakfast!" Replying, she told him, "good!" Then, with excitement, he said, "APRIL FOOLS!!!! I had sausage." He was so proud that my coworker believed him when he told her he ate eggs for his morning meal. He was probably even more excited that he tricked an adult.

Most of the other jokes I saw were on Facebook. A friend of mine tricked her daughter when they gave her a muffin package. Their young child was sourly disappointed when they opened the package. They were expecting a sweet and tasty muffin inside...just to find some celery. The child's reaction was hilarious and the video received nearly 50 likes on her parent's Facebook page by the end of the night.

Then, I saw a few people post something I see every year - at least 5 times. Something that they claim as "fact" for the first few hours of their original post to later claim is as a joke. Yet, it's a joke that I don't find to be funny.  I didn't like it last year…and I still don't like it this year.  (I just finally decided to voice my opinion.) But most of all?  It's a joke that I wish others wouldn't make.

What was the joke??

"I'm pregnant…again!!"

It seems simple. It seems harmless.

For many women, this "harmless" April Fool's joke is quite the opposite of being considered funny.

Sure, it can be funny to those who have children and find no struggle in getting pregnant. It's easy for this joke to be funny to those who have never cried out to God while spending hours on their numb knees, asking God to bless them with at least one child…for those who have never spent hours at the doctor's office talking about fertility, fertility treatments, and saving thousands of dollars to spend on hopes of uncertain medicine to assist in the process. The joke may cause laughter for those who have never had the heart-wrenching moment at 2:00 a.m. of an ER doctor saying, "You're in your second trimester…but I can't find the heartbeat of your daughter."

Unless you have certain life experiences, it is probably easier to have a good laugh over things that cause others tears.

There is a great amount of (often forgotten) women out in the world who have a constant struggle when it comes to the topic of children and pregnancy…Women who are mourning every day for an unfilled desire.

Jokes like this are a fresh cut on an old wound…A wound created through experiences of miscarriages, giving birth to a stillborn, child loss, infertility, and even the struggle that some experience during the process of adoption.

When women, who have no problem conceiving children, who have never experienced the unforgettable and never-ending heart ache from child loss or infertility post, "I'm pregnant…again!!" as a joke…it's not even slightly funny.

Every day many women are reminded of what they don't have or about what has been taken away from them. When women who have children and an easy ability to conceive children, and then they joke about having another child - when they aren't really pregnant - it is another reminder. They can't have children, yet their friend with a house full of children has such an easy time that they can joke about it.

The woman with a household full of children is lucky. She is blessed as she has been given such an amazingly beautiful gift from God.

The women who have struggled with child loss and infertility? They are thankful. They are thankful that their friends have their children. They are thankful that not every woman has to battle their type of harsh struggles of motherhood. Their journey is something they would never wish upon another woman.

Women who have lost a child are reminded about their loss - or desire to have children - in the daily,
small things. They're reminded in the comfort of their own homes while they surf their TV and pass the drama-filled TV series Teen Mom. They are reminded when they go to a mall and pass the baby stores or the baby isle in Target wishing they could the cute frilly pink dress for a little one. They are reminded when their friends announce real pregnancies and are invited to an endless amount of baby showers - all while craving the ability to have their own celebration for their unfulfilled desire to hold a child of their own…Not to mention when they are reminded on the date of their child's birth, the date of their death, on Mother's day, and on Christmas. They are reminded when they go to place flowers on the gravesite of one of the few things that have their child's name in writing, the headstone of the local cemetery. They're reminded of their loss and struggle by the dusty stored boxes from their time of hope and joy, before that time unexpectedly ended in an indescribably, paralyzing pain.

It's okay to make jokes and to perform pranks on April Fools. But please - keep in mind that your posts are seen by all on your friend list. What may be seen as harmless to you can hurt another in ways that you (hopefully) will never understand. Your posts are seen by mothers, fathers - but also by the childless.

I've never lost a child of my own. I've not dealt with infertility - and I pray I never will…But I know so many who have - including my sister who gave birth to first child, to her daughter, Ashley, as a stillborn (read Going Home for the story from my perspective). Knowing how much it hurts me, just as an aunt of a child who has passed on, for people to make light of pregnancies and the reminder of the pain my family has gone through throughout the last two years since her death…just to see someone be so flippant...I know I can't even imagine the pain my sister must feel - especially when people know her story and that she sees all that they post.

Sure, time has passed since the death of my niece.  July 5th will mark the 3rd year anniversary of both her birthday and the day she died...But it is still a sensitive topic for my family.  Our hearts still ache and our memories often feel as though they just took place yesterday…Memories from the few short moments when we all held her for the last time (and in my case, it was the first and last time since I was abroad during her birth).

Please…Think before you post. Your words - written or spoken - do impact others around you.

And to those of you who have lost children and/or who struggle with infertility - please know that you are remembered and loved. My prayers go out to you and your family, and I pray that your deepest heart's desires will one day be filled with a precious bundle of joy for you to share your love with…(All while helping you lose brain cells and causing you many strands of grey hair.)

The Travelin' Chick,
Crystal

Thankful

I know there is a trend taking place on Facebook with people posting on thing they are thankful for each day in the month of November.  While I think that is a great thing to do, I decided to just put all 30 things/people in list together for my blog.

I'm thankful for…

• My parents.  They are fantastic.  But if you read my blog entry, "A Home to Return to", there will be listed many reasons as to why my parents are so great!

• My dog, Miss Ruby Ann.  I've had her since I was about 15-years-old, and she really is a bright spot in my life.  

• College…I'm thankful for college!  The other day, someone asked me, "How are your classes going?"  I told him, "Fantastic!"  Because he knows me so well, he looked at me surprised asking, "Are you being sarcastic right now?"  I had to insist that I wasn't.  This is the first semester I've actually fully enjoyed.  I love all my classes - and it feels REALLY good to say that.  It feels good to say that I want to go to class everyday.  

• My two ASL Teachers, Nancy and Cindy.  I'm thankful to have the chance to get to know Cindy this semester.  It is my first semester in Cindy's class, but I am already looking forward to next semester with her as well!  I've had Nancy for three semesters now, next semester totaling in four semesters.  Both teachers have a fantastic sense of humor, are passionate about what they teach, and they geniunely care about their students.  Really, I can go on and on as to why I am thankful for both of my teachers as they have both had a huge impact in my life!!…But one of the biggest reasons I find myself to be thankful for them?  I am thankful to have two teachers who not only care about how their students are doing on their school work, but how they/we are doing in life overall.  I am thankful to have teachers who not only invest into my life inside the classroom, but also outside the classroom on a personal level.  It's such a rarity to have teachers like that at the college where I attend, and I am thankful to know them and have the ability to learn from them.

• Rayna, my 3-year-old cousin.  Really, I can't imagine my life without her.  I love her personality, her funny jokes or made up words, and I love the contagious sound of her laughter.  It has been a joy to watch her grow into such an intelligent and entertaining child.

• The ability to learn.  I'm glad I can continue learning - whether I am learning textbook information, learning about other people, or about myself.  I'm thankful that learning doesn't stop after high school or college.  I'm thankful that learning is a lifelong journey.

• My Nashville mom, Lynette.  She is a blessing.  Words can't even begin to describe how thankful I am to know her and to have her in my life.  We've had so many conversations filled with laughter, prayer, and encouragement.  It is hard to believe we've only known each other for about four years.

• Humor and laughter.

• Having friends around the world.  Sometimes having friends who live around the world can be a little hard as there are friends I often miss - a lot!  But, I am thankful to have such a diverse friend list and the ability to know each friend.  Even when I miss a friend who lives in Japan, London, or somewhere across America...when their name comes to my mind, a smile always spreads across my face.

• Encouragement.  I'm thankful for the encouragement that friends and family have brought to my life, and I'm thankful for oppuritinity to encourage others.  Whether it be in person, through a phone conversation, a letter, Skype, or even through Facebook…Whether it be through a compliment, prayer, through a joke, a smile, or just saying "hello"…I am thankful for encouragement.

• The ability to travel.  The world is a big place, and I'm so glad that I've gotten to experience and see places and things outside of my California "normal" and comfort zone!

• Books.  When I can't physically travel to another place, I know I can always open a book.

• Photography.  You never know when a moment will become a cherished memory.

• Skype and FaceTime.  They make the miles between my friend and I seem a lot shorter, and sometimes nonexistent. 

• My friend Katrina.  I've known her since I was either 13 or 14 years old, and she is easily one of my all-time favorite people!  She's always honest with me, telling me what she actually thinks verses what she thinks I want to hear.  (Basically, she'll flat out tell me I'm crazy or irrational when I think I'm being perfectly sane.)  Whether I run into a problem or I'm working on a creative project, her perspective is always helpful and refreshing.  Her sarcasm is hilarious and she has a sweet, welcoming family.  Whenever I'm Tennessee, I always look forward to visiting with her as she and her husband often invite me to stay at their house.  She is one of my greatest friends!

• My birthmark.  While I am not thankful for awkward moments and annoying stares, I am thankful for the things I have learned through having it.  I am thankful for the awkward moments that turn into humorous moments and annoying stares that turn into educational moments for the one staring.   I'm thankful to have the ability to go to different classrooms where I work to teach the children about it and to let them ask any questions they may have.

• My job.  I work as a noontime assistant at the school I attended as a child.  I LOVE my job.  Although I've had jobs in the past, I've never enjoyed them like I enjoy this one. The people I work with are fantastic, the kids are hilarious, and I never get tired of clocking in everyday.  (And let me just add…This is the first time where I have loved my job, and have loved going to school at the same time.  It's a great feeling!)

• My parent's new home.  We've been in it a little over a year, and it has been a HUGE blessing.  We've been able to have a lot of visitors, dessert and game nights.  These are things we couldn't do in our old home…I absolutely love being able to bake something sweet and having friends over for a visit!

• Hugs from BreAnna and DJ whenever I see them.

• Trying new things.  You never know what you might miss out on if you aren't willing to try something new.  In the end, it may be the best thing you've tried - or it may be the worst…But at least you've tried, and aren't left wondering what could of happened had you not tried that something new.

• The ability to grow and change.  I'm glad that I can grow and change as a person.  My personality, ways of thinking, and flaws are not set in stone…Thank goodness!  I'm also glad that I can grow from the best of experiences, and even from the most unpleasant ones. 

• Board Games.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE board games - and card games too!!  I've had some of my best memories circled around a good game with family and/or friends throughout the years of growing up, and throughout the recent years as well.  Anytime you want to play a game, I'm in!

• Flexibility.  I'm thankful to be flexible - at least, mentally.  Being mentally flexible makes life so much easier when plans change and things don't go 100% according to plan.

• Creativity.  Life would be boring without it.  

• Pinterest.  When my own creativity fails, Pinterest is available 24/7.

• The chance I had to visit Nashville this summer.  The trip was something I really needed.  I was able to reconnect with old friends and had the chance to deepen friendships.

• Chocolate.  Need I say more?

• Music.  Although I can't keep beat to save my life, I'm so happy I can enjoy the creations of those who can! 

• My time at Free Will Baptist Bible College (FWBBC), now known as Welch College.  Sure…I attended the college back in 2009-2010…But my one year there has had a great impact in my life and was full of memories that I still love to reflect on.

• My time in London.  I learned so much while I was in London in 2012, and made friends that I know will last a life time.  

My list could go on and on about people and things I am thankful for…But this is the shortened edition.  What are you thankful for this year??

The Travelin' Chick,

Crystal

PS: After I wrote this, I remembered I wrote an entry similar in 2011.  It was fun to compare the entries to see similarities or differences.  (Thankful in 2011)

Stranger Reactions

This is right before the treatment
started...I know, I know...I got to
wear some pretty stylin' eye protectors.

This last Friday I was able to have another laser treatment on my birthmark.  Although I've had about 35 treatments, I'm always amazed to see how insecure they often make me feel.

I know to most people, my birthmark gives me a unique look that isn't very common.  People tell me this all the time by their stares alone.  However, I am use to my birthmark.  It's my normal.  Or, at least, it's my normal until I have a laser treatment...And then my confidence is out the window as insecurity and self-concious thoughts invade my mind.  After a treatment, I am very aware that I have a birthmark that covers half my face, both because of physical discomfort and the image I see when I look into a mirror.  I am also a lot more aware and sensitive to people's stares.

When I have my laser treatments, I try to spend the first two or three days hiding out in my house as my dark purple face covered in slimy Vaseline has time to heal.  If I had it my way, I wouldn't leave my house until my birthmark was back to it's normal coloring, or at least until I could wear makeup comfortably.

Fun fact: If you were to go with me to my
appointment, you are allowed to go back
with me and watch the treatment...which only
takes about 10 minutes.  Doesn't
my mom rock the look??

After a treatment, I avoid going into situations where I have to be around a lot of people.  The idea of going to school - or even to church - is something I dread...and will often skip if I can.  Usually I'm okay with smaller groups of people, but mostly small groups of very specific people that I am just about 100% comfortable with.  (If you saw me anytime before Monday, know I feel extremely comfortable with you!)  Also, if someone wants to take a picture or video with me in it - forget about it.  Except for my initial "here I am after my treatment photos", until my skin is back to normal, or until I can wear make up, I really try to avoid any visual recording devices.   

Even though I would love to hide out after my treatments, life apparently goes on and I don't always get to hide out.  I still have to go to school and I have to go to work. (Oh yeah! I got a job!  One that I love, by the way!  More on that in the next paragraph.)  So, I put on my big girl pants and attempt to wear a face of my normal level of confidence.  (Although, I'm not sure if confidence is what comes across to others, or if others see the opposite of my goal.)

Recently I was hired at a local elementary school.  I go every weekday, usually an hour each day, helping with monitoring children at their lunch time.  Before my treatment, some of the children asked me questions about it, but surprisingly - not very many.  

After each laser treatment I have, my birthmark is discolored.  It's a much darker purple, and doesn't really look too great.  Luckily this only lasts about a week or two, but I definitely get more questions after a treatment in comparison to when I look like my normal, unique, self.  Today, four days after my treatment, was no exception...Especially since I work with young children.

Today I got to work an extra hour at the school.  Within my two hours of working, I think I got asked more questions about my birthmark by all the children than what I think I've been asked during my whole life.  Being asked many questions, I hope I answered the kids clearly and in a way where they understood what I said, and I hope they felt comfortable enough to ask me all the questions they wanted to ask.  

It surprised me to notice one of my coworkers becoming so upset by the staring eyes and questions I received from the children.  I realize he's not use to other people's reactions like I am, as I saw the children as curious and he saw them as rude, but I am glad I was able to solve the mystery of some of the kid's curiosity.  (Granted, the children really were staring quite a bit and some were making exaggerated facial expressions...And although I'm use to a child's curiosity, questions, and staring, I'm not quite use to handling such a high volume of such curious children at one time.)

I was able to handle 252 laser pulses
this time around!  The laser was also set on a
higher setting in comparison to my previous
visit.

As a teacher brought her students to the cafeteria, they were also staring, making noises, faces of shock (some of horror), talking about me, or asking me questions directly.  The teacher took it upon herself to take charge of the situation, and very sweetly explained to her class, "This nice lady has a birthmark on her face. It's something she was born with and she is a very beautiful person with or without it.  You can ask her about it, but we don't need to stare or make noises.  Staring isn't a nice thing to do - as you guys wouldn't want to be stared at either."  I've never even met this specific teacher before, but I was very impressed, amazed, and thankful for the way she handled her class's reactions.  She allowed the children to be curious, but taught them to be curious in a kind way.  (Sadly, I didn't get a chance to thank her!)

Usually a conversation about my birthmark is started by a child asking me, "What is that on your face?  What happened?"  As I want people, children especially, to feel welcome to ask me about my difference, I try to answer the best way I can, "It's just a birthmark.  I was born with it and have had it since I was a baby.  Do you have a birthmark??"  Sometimes the child will tell me about their own birthmark, or about their sibling's birthmark - and then the conversation ends.  However, sometimes the conversations go a little further.

Here is a handful of the questions and comments I received this afternoon (most of these are from the 6 and 7 year olds I met):

• "Is that really a birthmark?"
• "Oh, I thought that was makeup or paint or something."
• "You were stung by a bee...Huh??"
• "Can I get one?!??!"  (And no - this question wasn't asked in a way indicating, "Is that contagious or something?"  It was asked with genuine indication that the child wanted to have one too.)
• "Did someone hit you?"
• "I saw this thing on TV that could help you."
• "It's too big."
• "Does it hurt?"
• "Will it ever go away?  Do you want it to go away?"
• "You were born with it????"  Then looking even more confused, the child continued, "Wait...You were a baby??"
• "Were you bit by a spider?"

Again, those are just a few examples of the many conversations I had today...Many of which left me laughing - a lot!  (Although, I must say, I think my favorite conversation from my day was when a 6 year old little girl offered me medical advice.)

Not only do my treatments bring questions and comments from children, but from adults as well.  Sometimes the questions are asked by strangers, some are asked by teachers, family members, or friends.  Here are some of the questions I've received this week from the older population, along with my answers or response:

• "How many treatments have you had?  How long have you had them?"
• On Friday we estimated that I've had about 35 treatments.  Possibly more.  I've had them since I was a baby.  I took about a 7 or 8 year break starting when I was 11 years old because the doctors started to have me stay awake for the treatments - and quite frankly - that's a bit scary and uncomfortable for such a young age.  In addition, the treatments weren't working as well as they had in the past, so it also wasn't worth continuing.  Now that I have continued having the laser surgeries, I can have them about every 8 weeks, but it can take up to 6 months to see the complete success of each treatment.
• "Are the treatments something that your parents persuade or pressure you to do?"
• I can easily answer this question with a no.  My parents do not persuade or pressure me to have these treatments in any way.  In fact, when I was 11 years old, I told my mom I wanted to stop the treatments.  She didn't fight me on the decision at all.  Her mindset has always been, "It's your body.  I'm not going to make you do something you don't want to do - especially if it's not a necessity."  When I chose to continue when I was about 18 or 19 years old, my parents were supportive once again.
• "I've had laser hair removal surgery."

• Sometimes I get this response and I think it's just because people feel awkward and don't know what to say to me.  That, or maybe people think it helps them relate to me or that we have something in common.  I've heard that laser hair removal surgery isn't comfortable either, but that's not exactly the same kind of surgery that I have to have for my birthmark and I don't think they quite compare...for more than one reason.
• "Do you get acne on your birthmark?"
• Twenty-two-years later, even my mom still has questions - as this one was from her.  Interestingly enough, I get a lot less on my birthmark in comparison to my "normal" skin and areas of my face.  
• "Does it hurt?"
• This is a question asked by all age groups.  My birthmark does not hurt.  The laser treatment and the first week or so after the treatment, however, does hurt and leave me feeling sore.  Sometimes I even feel sore inside my mouth from the treatment on my cheek.  My face will also start itching once it starts to heal - but I'm not allowed to scratch it for a while.  If I scratch, I risk the possibility of scaring my skin.
• "Do you have to have the treatments?  What's the purpose?"
• Technically, no, I don't need the treatments.  I have the treatments to lighten my birthmark. As I age, my birthmark will naturally become darker as time goes on.  The blood vessels that cause my birthmark are also at risk of becoming thicker, possibly causing my skin texture to change.  I'm trying to be proactive in controlling the color and keeping my skin texture as normal as possible.  My lips are also a bit uneven because of the birthmark.  If I have the treatments, this may help my lips become more even.  (Ironically, my uneven lips bother me way more than the birthmark ever has.)
• "Is the birthmark a genetic component; something that your children will likely have?"
• From research that I've read and what I have been told by doctors, they type of birthmark I have is not hereditary.  The type I have (a port wine stain) was recently found to be caused by a completely random gene mutation.  This discovery will hopefully open doors to newer and easier treatments, if not a possible cure.  To read more about the research, click here!

If any of you have any questions at all - please let me know!  Leave a comment here on my blog, or email me.  I will respond as best I can (as I don't always know all the answers myself) and as quickly as I can.  I don't mind questions that you may have for me.  It's okay to be curious, and okay to ask! :-)

The Travelin' Chick,

Crystal

Blind Ignorance

A couple of weeks ago I boarded a plane to head towards Nashville.  During the first plane ride, I slept.  For the second flight, I thought and prayed, "Lord - it's really temping to take another nap.  However, I'd really like to sit next to someone who is deaf.  It'd be great to make a new friend, to have more experience using, and learning, sign language."

Little did I know...God had a bit of humor planned for my day.

A 20-something-year-old man boarded the plane shortly after I did.  I was able to tell straight-away that he was blind, as he used a fold-up stick to walk down the aisle and as a flight attendant helped him find his seat...which was right next to mine.

I thought, "Okay...Not exactly what I meant, but that's okay."

Talking to the man, he shared a little bit about being blind.  From what I gathered, he has been blind all his life.  He told me how people often ask him (once they realize that he's blind) if knows and uses sign language.  He also shared about how awkward people can be about his blindness.

At one point, I said something to the affect of, "It can sometimes be fun being different than what society is use to."  I guess that was the wrong thing to say at first.  Defensively he said, "Different??!?  What do you mean by different?!??"

Oops...I momentarily forgot an important factor - he's blind, and he can't see my face.

Realizing he wasn't able to see my face, I briefly explained that I have a birthmark that covers half of my face.  (To which he said, "That's SO awesome!!!!!!!")  So, I too, have 'fun' stories from people who don't know how to properly react to unique differences.  Little did I know, he was about to become one of those stories himself.

Fascinated by my birthmark, he used his hand and covered his eyes asking, "Is it like an eye mask??"  Then, while covering a cheek, he continued, "Or is it like a two-face?"  I told him, "Umm...I guess it's a two-face."  He then asked, "Oh.  Have people ever called you a 'two-face' before?"  I told him, "Actually, yes.  I was called that once as a child."  His response was, "Really??"  As I reflected back many years, I told him, "Yes.  Honestly, I don't really recall being made fun of much by other children, as I usually struggle with ignorant adults and rude strangers.  However, the one time I remember being made fun of in grade school was being called a two-face in the school cafeteria."  All he could respond to that was, "Oh."  Usually I don't reflect on that memory with people I know, let alone strangers.  He asked, and kept digging, so I shared.

We would discuss different things but he would bring the topic right back to my birthmark.  He would ask, "Do people stare at you all the time?  I bet they do."  I answered, "Yes, they do."

Then the conversation topic changed once again.  I think we went back and forth from "normal" topics to the topic of my birthmark at least four or five times.  By round five, and because of his mean-sounding tone, I was starting to get frustrated and irritated by the man.

Before I knew it, he was right back to the topic of my birthmark as he told me, "I'd much rather be blind than to have a birthmark on my face any day."  Although I decided against it, I almost told him that my birthmark threatens the vision that I have in my left eye, as I use medication to fight going blind on a daily basis.

I wasn't really sure how to react to his statement.  In that moment, I was grateful he couldn't see my reaction - as I'm sure I probably had the expression of shock and confusion.  Baffled by his comment, the thought came to my mind, "How do you know that you'd rather be blind?  You can't even see my face to know what it looks like." (Thank goodness for the ability of having internal dialogue!)

Soon after that thought, I also caught myself thinking, "I'd much rather have a birthmark covering my face than to be blind."

Moments after that thought crossed my mind, I came to a realization.  People, including myself, are comfortable with what they know.  They are comfortable with what they are use to.  For the blind man, being blind is what he knows.  Having half a purple face would be completely new territory that he doesn't understand with a bit of the unknown.  But for me??  I know what it is like to have half of a purple face.

I understand what circumstances are brought by having this different facial feature.  When it comes to people's stares, comments, health, and how it affects my life overall - I get it...Just like the blind understand their blindness, and the deaf understand what it is like to be deaf.

On the flip side?  The idea of being blind scares me.  Becoming blind is a fear of mine as I love seeing the world and the beauty God has created.  Not to mention, fear of not being able to partake in my love for photography.

Overall, the conversation with the man was really awkward.  His attitude and tone were not friendly and came across as quite rude.  While he couldn't physically stare at me, the way he would ask questions and the fact that he would keep bringing my birthmark up (even though we would completely change topics...multiple times) - I felt as though he was staring at me through his words and his comments.

I'm pretty sure that this was one of the weirdest and most uncomfortable conversations I've ever had.

The Travelin' Chick,
Crystal

Birthmarks and Laser Treatments

Before going through a
treatment.  However, I'm wearing
make-up in this photo, so my
birthmark is lightened a good
 amount by make-up alone.

During spring break, I had a laser treatment on my birthmark.  Sparking conversations, many people have ask me questions such as, "What does the laser treatment do?  What does it feel like?  What is the purpose?"  Let me begin answering these questions with some quick background information.

First off, the type of birthmark that I have is called a "port wine stain".  There isn't really any rhyme or reason as to why I have it.  There's no genetic links, and it has nothing to do with my mother's pregnancy.  The only cause of my birthmark is, "just because it can exist, it does".  Due to an excess of blood vessels in my facial area, the blood vessels causes my skin tone to look a purplish type of color.  That being said, my birthmark goes much deeper than my skin.

If you were to look in my mouth, at my gums, in my ears, and in my nose, you can easily tell a color difference and where the birthmark starts and ends.  (Not that I go around looking up my nose or asking people, "Hey!!  You want to see the inside of my nose!??!?"...I am pretty sure that is socially unacceptable, and 100% socially awkward.  This is just an observation that doctors have made.)   The older I get, the darker it can get, and the texture of my skin is also at risk of changing (due to thickening of the blood vessels).  I also have to avoid getting too much sun without protection of sun screen, as that can damage the birthmark as well.  (Although, fun fact: I will add - when I get really, really cold...My mother and close friends can always tell.  My birthmark gets really dark, changing like a mood ring.  However, this change in color is only temporary.)

My birthmark goes all the way to my brain.  Occasionally I have to have MRIs done of my brain to make sure that none of the blood vessels have strayed into a more dangerous location.  When I was born, the doctor's had to watch me closely for my first 24 hours to make sure that the birthmark didn't cause any seizures.  If I didn't have any seizures in the first 24 hours, I would be okay.  I'm thankful that I didn't - as I am sure that would have greatly affected the way my life would play out.

Not only does my birthmark go brain deep, but it also affects my bone structure and density.  Even my teeth are affected by this.  It also adds to the lack of symmetry in my face - even more than the average person that doesn't have a birthmark.   The extra vessels make features expand a little more.  My lip is a perfect example of this, as the left upper lip is a little larger than the right upper lip.

Also, because it is more than skin deep, I also have had to deal with a disease called glaucoma in my left eye.  Glaucoma is an 80-year-old lady (or man) disease that I've had since I was about 8-years-old.  Due to all the blood pressure in my eye from all the blood vessels, I have to use eye drops twice a day, and see a doctor two times a year, just to make sure I don't go blind.  There is a surgery that can relieve glaucoma patients - but I don't know much about it.  Due to my type of glaucoma and the reasons that I have it, if the doctor makes one little wrong move - I would go instantly blind in my eye.  We've decided it's not worth the risk and have not asked for further information.

Pretty much, my birthmark is more than just something that alters the skin tone on my face.  Due to the color alteration, I sometimes have laser treatments. 

The numbing cream.  I have to
wear this for an hour before
the treatment.  It also has to
be applied on super thick.  It was
like icing a cake. ;-)

Okay...What is a laser treatment, and what does it do?  What is the goal?

The overall goal of the laser treatments is to lighten my birthmark. It's recommended that I have them every two months for the treatments to work at their best.  When I have the treatments, heat is sent from the laser, basically heating up the blood vessels.  When they get hot, they shrink - or burst.   When they shrink, the color lightens and other risk factors are lessened - such as the texture of my skin changing.

If I don't have the treatments, my birthmark will get darker as I age.  The blood vessels will get bigger, causing the darker color - and for my birthmark colored skin to become lumpy and a pebble-like texture.  By having the treatments, I am lessening my risks of it changing the color and texture - which is my main purpose of having the treatments.  (As really, I don't feel the need to hide.  Making it lighter is more than just about the color.)

After the treatment my face is extra purple for about a week - varying after each treatment.  It's swollen and painful, and I can't scratch or rub my face.  For the first few days I can't wear makeup either.  As long as the dark and purple color is around, I can feel heat radiating through my skin.  The lighter the purple gets, the less pain and heat that I feel.  Once the extra purple color disappears and my birthmark returns to normal color, my birthmark will lighten even more.

How do the treatments feel?  Afterwards it reminds me of a horrible sunburn.  Imagine your worst sunburn - and there you go.  That's the best way I can describe it.  During the treatment?  Well, the doctors like to describe it as a rubber band shooting the face.  I've decided that once they have a birthmark on their face and go through the treatments themselves, then they can describe how it feels.  The way I've decided I like to describe it is - it's like eating a spicy dish.

When you first start eating, your mouth is okay.  (In laser terms, the numbing cream I wear for an hour before does it's job to ease the pain to where the laser is barely felt.)  The more you eat, the more it stings - or feels like a rubber band. (Numbing cream starts wearing off the more laser pulses they send to my face.)  Eventually, it the food gets hot, and the spice intensifies.  (The pain gets even stronger - more than feeling like a rubber band.)  And occasionally, you hit a  jalapeño - or other spice/pepper - and your senses are sent through the roof with spice. (I would consider theses to be the really tender and sensitive areas on the face, such as the lip and nose.  I hardly let them treat these areas because of the intense pain.)

When I was a young child and toddler I use to have laser treatments on my face on a more regular basis.  To be honest, I'm not really sure how many I've had in my lifetime.  I would guess more than 25, more likely more than 30.

Since I was a child, they would let me sleep through the treatments by the use of anesthesia.  Once I hit the age of 11, that was advantage was taken away.  I was now "old enough" to stay awake during the treatment - only needing an hour of numbing cream before the procedure.

I went through one treatment awake at 11-years-old before I decided to stop.  Staying awake wasn't worth it to me.  The pain wasn't worth the outcome, as the laser machine they had wasn't making much of a difference.  The pain of the treatment was too overwhelming for me as well - so I decided to stop.  I decided that with the pain combined with an outcome that didn't show any differences - if I continued, I would be lettings stupid happen all over again.  My mom let me make my own decision about stopping, and I was glad.  I guess her theory is - it's my face, my body, the treatments aren't mandatory or needed, and I'm the one who has to go through it - not her.  I'm thankful for letting me choose for myself.

It wasn't until 2010 (at the age of 18) when I decided to try again and had a better outcome in comparison to when I was 11-years-old.  (Every three years, the hospital upgrades their machines as new medical advancements take place, so the machine was advanced at least 2-3 times since my last visit.)

My birthmark about an hour after
a treatment.  Please excuse the greasy
looking hair.  After the treatment,
Vaseline is applied to my face
to help prevent blistering and
other possible reactions from the treatment.
I promise I did shower that morning. :-)

In 2011, I planned to have another treatment and even blogged about it before I went, but we had to cancel at last minute.  Then, during spring break of 2012, I decided to attempt at the treatments again.  This time we were able to treat more than 80% of my birthmark, excluding my eye, nose, and lip area.  (Again, those areas are super sensitive for me.)  It took 200 laser pulses to get that much done.  It's been a few weeks since the treatment, and I've already noticed a difference.  I have another appointment for another treatment set up for May.

If you ever have questions about my birthmark or the treatments - please feel free to ask!  I am okay with people asking questions and they don't make me uncomfortable if they are asked in genuine curiousity and kindness.  In a way, I consider it a type of honor to be able to help others have a better understanding of this difference.  After all, you know my birthmark is there and I definitely know it's there...So why avoid talking about it if someone has a question or curiosity?   If you don't ask, it doesn't make my birthmark disappear.  It also doesn't make your questions go away either.  I would rather you know and have an understanding - so again, please ask if you want to know more!

Oh - and just because I am trying to lighten my birthmark - please don't think that I would change who I am today or that I am doing it due to any personal insecurities.  That's not the case.  Often I walk around with confidence in who I am, regardless of my birthmark. 

Just as any other female, I've had my ups and downs when it comes to my personal appearance.  However, that's normal for any female.  I just have a birthmark added to those ups and downs - but that's my normal.   Yes, I've wondered what it's like to have a 'normal' looking face.  But how many brunettes have wondered what it would be like to go blonde?  Rumor has it, it's just easier to dye your hair a different color than it is to change your skin tone.

Because of my birthmark, I've had to overcome a lot of different unique situations.  I've had to smile at the slightly rude person who has been awkwardly staring at me for five minutes.  I have also walked in stores or on a college campus, hearing comments and questions being spoken about me - but not to me.  (In a sense, sometimes it feels like I, as a person, am invisible in these situations - except for my half purple face...with people forgetting that I do have eyes that see them stare, I do have ears that hear them talk, and that I do have a brain that understands their reaction.)

I find it to be a joy to have the opportunities to share about physical differences that most people are not use to.  And sometimes, I even forget that I look different than most people…Until certain things are said or when people stare long enough.

My family and I have received comments such as, “How did you burn your baby??”  or  the most common question from adults - “What is wrong with your face?”  This is a prime example of how you shouldn't ask people questions if you're curious about something so personal.  This style doesn't come across as genuine, curious, or kind.  It comes across as mean, rude, nosey - and sometimes hurtful.  Nothing is wrong with my face.  Usually I try to be kind and ignore the tone of the question.  But, as I am human, and depending on my mood - sometimes I have to bite back sarcastic responses such as, "Nothing is wrong with my face.  What's wrong with your attitude and manners??"  (Sometimes I really need to work on my sarcastic internal and silent responses.)

People have even argued with me, telling it it’s not a birthmark, and that I have something like skin cancer or something contagious.  On the opposite end, I’ve had a woman in a clothing store tell me that she was jealous of me and that she wished she had a birthmark covering her face too.

While usually comments and stares don’t knock me down for long, I do have my weaker moments in liking my physical appearance - just like other people have.  Over the years I’ve had to overcome this obstacle when it arises, and even today it can sometimes be a daily practice.  For example: When an attractively handsome man stares at me.  Is he staring at me because he thinks I’m pretty, or is he victimizing me with his staring? 

Those feelings of insecurities don't usually stick around long, though.  As, again, there is a certain kind of joy that comes from being different from the world.  You see life differently and there are a lot of chances to teach others that’s okay to stand out a little.  It’s okay to look different!

I also know that my extra confidence comes from how I was raised by my parents.  When people would stare, like I mentioned above, my mom is the one who taught me to me to smile at them.  Maybe the staring person is having a bad day and needed a smile to lift their spirits.

My parents have also taught me to have a sense of humor.  Once I was asked by a man, “What’s wrong with your face?”  I told him, “It’s just a birthmark.”  He responded, “Oh – I thought you were beat by your husband or something!”  While my friends who were with me at the time got upset and offended over the comment, I just laughed.  For the first time in my life, I realized that I was old enough to be married if I wanted to be.  I didn’t feel offended or angry.  It was a moment of realization of the fact that I was old enough to marry!  I was an adult! 

Despite all the things I've had to over come in those areas, I also have unique stories that no one else has.  I've developed a sense of humor, learning to laugh at the awkward situations that I am faced with on a daily basis.  I have the blessing of having the ability to teach others that's okay not to fit in the mold that the world and society has given us.

It's a beautiful opportunity to be different.

The Travelin' Chick,

Crystal

PS: Sorry if any of what I've written today is a little repetitive of any posts in the past.  (Although, I've only posted about this topic twice, so hopefully there wasn't anything found to be repetitive!)

***Update September 19, 2013***
In May, the cause for port wine stains was found!  It's due to a rare gene mutation  - but is not the fault of the mother or genes of the father.  For more information, click here!