Worth More than Gold

(Sometimes videos don't appear on all devices, so if you don't see the music video above "Worth More than Gold" by Britt Nicole, click here!)

A couple of weeks ago I was really struggling with a negative comment that was made to me in regards to my birthmark.  Some days I can easily laugh the negative things off that strangers say and do in reaction to my face, while others day it's not so easy to find the humor.  During this specific day and from a specific interaction, I allowed a stranger to take to my undesired, seldom visited, low place.

An hour later I got into my car.  I was feeling discouraged while questioning my value when it comes to my unique appearance.  I found myself questioning if it'd be easier if I hide who I am by expensive and uncomfortable make up, wondering if that would help me become more valuable in society's eyes…All while forgetting the countless beauties that come with my difference and the value that I have always had, and will always have, in God's eyes.

At the same time, I was (truthfully) beyond frustrated.  I was angry that more often than I prefer, strangers can't seem to talk to me as a person, focusing away from my birthmark…Forgetting that they can get to know the greater level of depth that I have - whether they ask me how I'm doing, about my summer plans, or even about my favorite hobby.

During a venting session taking place only in my mind during my drive home, I thought, "Don't people (strangers, specifically), realize there is more to me than the color of my face??   Why do they always assume it's okay to respond to what they see in certain, negative ways - or that I only want to talk about my birthmark?  Don't they realize I may have cool stories about traveling, that I may love to bake, and have exciting hopes for my life?  I'm just like any person.  I'm just like them…Why do they so easily forget that??"  Sometimes it feels as though some people treat me as though I'm only half a person, just because of half my face.

When I got into my car about an hour after this specific experience, I heard this song come on the radio.  I had heard the song before, but hadn't really listened to it.

This song is just what I needed in that moment.   It was the perfect reminder!!

I needed to hear that no matter what strangers say, no matter how they react, I'm worth more than gold.  I needed that reminder!!

My worth isn't in the way I'm treated by others, or in the way they talk to me…or in some cases, in the way they don't talk to me (that's a story to look forward to for my next blog entry).

My worth is based off so much more than a few opinions, stares, and remarks I receive from other people...and I can't ever forget that - and I should never let anyone let me feel any less, like I did that day.   I don't have to hide who I am to make other people more comfortable.  The way others treat me does not define me.  If anything, it gives me a glimpse into their heart and opens many doors to help educate those that I meet.

More importantly??  Through these experiences I feel as though I am constantly (on a daily basis) learning about what it truly means to be kind to others  - no matter if they're kind to me or not - and I think that adds to my value.  (Granted, I have to admit...sometimes it takes a couple of lessons to learn whatever I'm suppose to learn!)

Maybe you need a bit of encouragement too, or a reminder.  While the worth and value of gold fluctuates by human standards throughout the ages of time, our value and worth in God's eyes is always constant.  He always sees our true worth, even when we can't see it ourselves…and no matter how high gold is valued here on earth at any given time  - we are always worth so much more.

Whatever your struggle is I want you to know, "you're worth more than gold"…and I hope you never forget that either!

The Travelin' Chick,
Crystal

I Look Just Fine (I am Beautiful)

This is with the special makeup on.  We didn't use the extra
thick stuff I had used in the past, but it is stronger than the
average brands you can buy at Target.  The lady also did
some "lip work", trying to balance out lack of symmetry.
(At my request, since I was curious to see how it would
look.)  What do you think?  In person it looks a little different.
Not sure how it looks in photos to others, since I can always
easily see the birthmark regardless of any type of makeup.

Earlier this week I was having a discussion with my ASL interpreting teacher.   My teacher is great.  I've really enjoyed his class and have learned a lot about my future career choice.

For the first time in in the two months of knowing each other, we held a one-on-one in-depth discussion, taking place several minutes before class was suppose to start.  We chatted as we asked each other questions, shared stories, and got to know one another a little better.

As we were chatting, I quickly said something in reference to my birthmark (it fit into our discussion).  Looking at me with a confused expression, he asked me, "What birthmark?"  Internally, I was thinking, "What??  This guy is one of the most observant people I've ever met. How does he not see it??"  Instead of saying what I was thinking, I responded, "You know…The one on my face."  With a wrinkled forehead of continued genuine confusion, he told me, "Oh.  I don't even see it."

I was caught off guard by his statement, yet refreshed that some people don't instantly see what I see daily through people's stares and comments.  I am use to people I've known for a long time, or who see me on a regular basis, saying that they can no longer see my birthmark…as though their eyes are immune to my difference.  I've only known my teacher for a couple of months, yet from the beginning, he hadn't taken notice to it even once.  Instantly after meeting me, he saw me as me…as a person…going deeper than my physical appearance, and not just as who I may appear to be.

Little did I know, later in the week I would meet someone with very opposite visual attention and opinions.

For Christmas I was surprised with backstage passes to for an upcoming Lady Antebellum concert.  I already knew I was going, but had nooooo idea that my parents and aunt Felicia went the extra mile to get the special passes.  With the backstage passes, Felicia and I get to attend pre-concert, we get to meet the band, and we have front row seats…Pretty cool, right??   I am SO ready for March 16^th!!

This week I received a phone call about scheduling my next laser treatment.  Not really thinking about the concert, I scheduled my treatment for March 10^th…Just 6 days before the concert.

I realized the dilemma of my and schedule conflict yesterday morning.  Sure, the concert and treatment are nearly a week a part, but my face will still be much darker – and possibly a little swollen.  Although I’m technically allowed to wear makeup just 3 days after the treatment, it’s uncomfortable and is a little painful for me.  It usually takes me a few extra days to feel comfortable putting any source foundation on.

Thinking about the concert I realized I have three options:

1.     Reschedule the laser treatment and go on a later day, after the concert.

2.     Have the treatment, wear my normal makeup to the concert, and go with my face still looking darker than the usual.

3.     Buy special makeup that helps cover birthmarks, and hope that tones the coloring down.

I’m really looking forward to this concert.  In reality, who cares what other concert attenders think if my face looks a little off than its usual??  Who cares what the Grammy award-winning band thinks??  Yet, while I know it doesn’t matter, I still want to look my best when I meet one of my favorite musical groups.

I think I’ve mentioned (very briefly) in one of my blogs about special makeup that has been created for people like me, with birthmarks, or even others with dark scars and burn marks.  I tried it when I was about 9, but disliked it.  It was so thick that it made my skin feel like it couldn’t breathe.  I tried it again when I was a little older, but still didn’t like it.  At the time when I tried it, I wasn’t even wearing “normal” makeup.  (I didn’t start to wear average makeup until I was done with high school at the age of 17.)  Going from no make-up and my natural look to special, thick makeup wasn’t really my cup of tea.

Since it has been 10 years or so since last trying the special makeup, and we had to go to a department store today anyway, I was curious.  I asked mom if we could look at the special makeup while we were there.

Arriving to the make-up counter a lady, Jackie**, offered to assist me.  I asked, “Do you guys have the makeup that helps people with birthmarks?”  She told me that they did and that she would be more than happy to assist me.  She went and found some as she started to sample some on my face.

The whole experience was a little more overwhelming than I expected. 

Before beginning the sampling process, I explained to the lady that I scheduled to have a treatment on my birthmark right before a big concert held by one of my favorite bands…where I get to meet the famous artists.  I explained that I’m quite content with my usual makeup.  However, my birthmark will look much darker after the treatment and I was just looking for something to assist in “toning the darkness down”.

I don’t think the lady quite understood what I was saying.

Jackie repeatedly saying certain phrases that really bothered me.  One being, “To hide the birthmark…”

To hide the birthmark?  I kept reminding her time and time again, “My goal isn’t to hide my birthmark.   I’m content with how it usually looks.  I’m just trying to make the treatment less noticeable by toning down the darker coloring.  This makeup isn’t something I’m going to use on a day-to-day basis – at all.”  She still didn’t seem to get it, as she continued to talk about hiding my birthmark.

Side view.

She used other phrases that really got under my skin.  She would say things like,  “Doesn’t that look better now??”  or, “Now that looks good.”   On occasion she would say, "See?  With her hair down, you can't even see it anymore." 

What??  It  “now” looks better??  “Now” I look good?…who cares if you can see it??

 Lady: I looked just fine before I met you.    

You might say I’m being extra sensitive in how I took what she was saying.  You might say I was taking what she was saying in the wrong way.  Had you been there, had you heard the full context of our whole 45 minutes conversation, and how she kept emphasizing certain phrases, you would understand why I started feeling overwhelmed.  My mom was also becoming agitated.  (Also to note, she kept talking and directing most of the conversation to my mother.  Even when she was talking about me, or asking for an opinion, she would talk to my mom instead of me – the customer.  It was as though all she saw was my birthmark, and that I as a person was completely invisible.)

I kept trying to counteract things she’d say by emphasizing the purpose of just wanting to tone down the after-treatment coloring.  I would tell her again and again that I’m confident with how I look, and by replying with things like, “I’m not trying to hide it – that’s not my desire at all.  I’m content with how I normally look.”

Yet, she kept using phrases that indicating that my birthmark was something to hide.  Something to be ashamed of…that it was something that made me less beautiful than other girls without one on their cheeks.

Jackie may be a skilled makeup artist, but she was not skilled at listening to me, her customer.  Socially speaking, she was not very artistically skilled when she addressed me or my mother.

I looked just fine before meet her.  I didn’t – and still don’t - want to hide my birthmark.

At one point I started to feel a little emotional.  I felt tears threatening to build a well within my eyes.  With her overuse of phrases I tried to steer her away from, I was bothered.  I felt a little hurt.

Obviously it hurt when her words started to feel like she was indicating I didn’t look “fine” (or in other words, beautiful) when I walked in and without the sampled makeup.  Her words temporarily hurt me personally.  But what hurt me even more??  Realizing that she saw people with unique features like mine as less beautiful, as though they – or we - have something to hide.  Her definition of beauty seemed to be negatively skewed.

How much in life has Jackie missed out on because of her view and definition of beauty?  How many people has she missed the chance on getting to know because she became distracted by and focused on their physical appearance, instead of focusing on their internal beauty?  In regards to beauty, how does Jackie even see herself??

My mom did point out that the lady probably meets many women who have the goal of hiding different physical traits about themselves.  She's probably use to meeting unhappy and insecure women.  In her job, Jackie is probably accustomed to helping people who lack a certain kind of confidence and is accustom to working with people who aren't content.  I am probably in the minority of those that she has met with the attitude of, "I'm happy as I am!"

"You are extraordinary.  There is no one in this world
quite like you.  You are as unique as your
fingerprints, as unique as each beautiful
snowflake that falls from a fresh winter's sky."

As a photographer, I see beauty in everyone that I meet.  I see beauty in those who often don’t see beauty within themselves.  I see the beauty in their physical appearance, but I also see that their beauty goes much deeper than that.  I see the beauty in their personalities, lives, jobs, and uniquely individual stories.  I see beauty in the way they interact with their families, in the way they smile and laugh.  I see beauty in their hearts…in their existence as God has created them to be.

I’m not yet sure what I’ll decide on about the makeup and the scheduling of my laser treatment.  (And really, I don't even know how many more treatments I'll decide to undergo.)  I’ll probably call my doctor’s office on Monday and see what is available after the concert, attending it 100% as myself.

Either way…Although the lady’s consistent comments momentarily stung a bit, I knew and still know that I am perfectly fine as I am.  I'm not going to change how I see and define myself because of one person's remarks that were made within just minutes of meeting me…Comments made by someone who wouldn't even take the time to get to know me, or even talk to me directly.

I am beautiful – with or without my birthmark….with or without that makeup.  (Makeup can be fun, but a little foundation on my cheeks can't be, and isn't, the foundation of my true beauty.)  My beauty runs so much deeper than what she chose to see…and that’s her loss.  I don't need her to validate my beauty - internally or externally. I am so much more than my birthmark.  I am more than the mark on my skin.  I am beautiful.  

For those of you wondering about your value…wondering if you’re beautiful…please know, you are extraordinary.  There is no one in this world quite like you.  You are as unique as your fingerprints, as unique as each beautiful snowflake that falls from a fresh winter's sky.  You are you – and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  Please don't let others, the photoshopped magazine ads, or more importantly -  yourself and your internal dialogue -  knock you down or take away your confidence and self-esteem. 

You are beautiful.  It's time to embrace yourself as you are…to embrace your beauty.

The (Beautiful) Travelin’ Chick,

Crystal

**Name has been changed.

My Heart's Song

Lately I've been in a funk.  I've been dealing with a hurting heart, feeling broken, discouraged, and all while taking the word "failure" as a descriptive word for my life.  To be slightly open - I've been in a little bit of a depression...A depression that makes it extremely easy for me to isolate myself from friends and to be very critical of myself.

Last week I went to youth camp with teens from church.  I didn't go up for the full week as a counselor like I usually do (partially due to the "funk" I'm in, but also because of pure exhaustion from traveling and the fact that school started just a few days after camp ends), but I did go up for a couple of the days to hang out with the group.

During one of the services that I was able to attend, the band leading worship led us in the song called, "Forever Reign".  The whole song is wonderful.  While I posted the video at the beginning of my blog, here are the lyrics - written by Hillsong:

You are good, You are good
When there's nothing good in me
You are love, You are love 
On display for all to see
You are light, You are light 
When the darkness closes in
You are hope, You are hope
You have covered all my sin

You are peace, You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true, You are true
Even in my wandering
You are joy, You are joy 
You're the reason that I sing
You are life, You are life, 
In You death has lost its sting

Oh, I’m running to Your arms, 
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

You are more, You are more
Than my words will ever say
You are Lord, You are Lord
All creation will proclaim
You are here, You are here
In Your presence I'm made whole
You are God, You are God
Of all else I'm letting go

Oh, I’m running to Your arms
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

My heart will sing 
no other Name
Jesus, Jesus

Oh, I’m running to Your arms
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

If you notice, I bolded one section of the lyrics.

While I pray, talk, and call out to God - I know that if I am honest to myself, my heart has been singing other names - not just the name of Jesus.  My heart has been broken.  Slowly, as I have been struggling, more and more I have allowed my heart to sing names that belong to Satan...Names such as failure, discouragement, fear, pain, sadness, hurt, and depression...and that's not even my full list.  These words (names) have been seasoning in my mind.  The longer I let them season, the more I have struggled.

Listening to the song, it hit me like a ton of bricks as to how much I have let Satan affect my heart, well being, and thought process.  I've let him affect how I think of myself instead of thinking of myself in terms of who God created me to be.

Instead of allowing my heart to sing names attached to Satan, I need to replace those names with names of Jesus.  Words of God.  Names such as, Healer, Protector,  and Comforter.  I need to allow my heart to sing lyrics of love, peace, joy, happiness, forgiveness, and acceptance...Lyrics of God's love in my life.  Lyrics that are true and beautiful - not false lies and ugly.

Granted, this is easier said than done.  I had this personal revelation a week ago and I am still struggling.

To those of you who are local, and to those of you who I interact with on a regular basis - I'm sorry if I seem distant or as though I am isolating myself.  A few friends have pointed out my recent tendencies of isolation, silence, and being distant...and I can't deny these patterns.  I've turned down social invitations, have been horrible at returning text messages and phone calls, and some of my few "public appearances" are brief and basic before I quickly leave.  I promise this is nothing personal or against any of you.  My mind is just a bit overwhelmed as I work through a lot of things, processing what it can - and I thank you for your love, kindness, and your patience.

I may not jump out of this bit of depression tomorrow.  I may not get of this funk next week.  What I do know is, I need to tune my heart to another tune with a new set of lyrics.

What song are you letting your heart sing?

The Travelin' Chick,

Crystal

PS: Please note that this is not a blog asking for sympathy.  Just a blog of honesty and a request for prayer, if I ever come to your mind in the coming days.

Welcomed by the Youth

The last two Friday nights that I've been in Germany, I have been attending a youth night/Bible study.  The youth group meets once a week, every Friday.

Before I continue about my time in the youth group - let me define what they refer to as a youth group. The youth group at the specific church I am attending isn't just middle school thru high school ages.  The ages range from about 17 or so until about 20-something, maybe even early thirties.

The first Friday I went, I was very nervous.  Here I am, in a new culture, not knowing the language, or the people.  I didn't know anyone in the room - except the person who had just given me a ride, whom I had only spent about 10 minutes with at that point.  I was told that many people there knew English, but I didn't know who knew English, or how well.

I met one guy named Peter.  He talked to me for about five minutes and was very welcoming.  I guess he could tell that I was a bit nervous, as he asked me, "You're quite shy, aren't you?"  I told him, "Ummm...Sometimes."  He replied, "But I thought Americans weren't shy??"  Ha...I guess I proved that stereotype wrong!

Peter then took me to meet a few girls.  They were very kind and took it upon themselves to translate everything to me during the night. Announcements, the message, songs...You named it, they heard it in German and turned it into English.

At one point, one of the leaders (and brother of the people I live with), Hermann, was giving some announcements to the group.  While this part wasn't translated word for word, I knew he was sharing that there was an American in the group who only spoke English.  (AKA: Me.)  While introducing me, there was a moment I found to be awkward.  One of the guys in the group said something (in German, of course) that resulted in his whole row looking back at me and laughter being shared among people in the room.  I have no idea what was said.  I didn't think to ask for the translation because I was caught off-guard and felt a bit embarrassed...but at least some people got a good laugh...right??

During the service they also sang two songs in German, and one in English.  The first Friday was a great introduction to the group.  I met a few people and they were all very welcoming.

This last Friday, I went back once again.  The same girls helped me out again by spending time with me and translating their native language to mine.

During the message, the leaders had everyone break into about 7 groups.  Before I realized what was happening, people started counting off.  People who said the number "one" were part of group "one".  People who said the number "two" went with group "two".  However, I don't yet understand the numbers in German.  I've heard them before, but not enough to realize when people are counting.  The group was counting and saying their group number.  Then, it was my turn to say a number...but I was still clueless as to what was even taking place.  Once it hit my turn, I think I got the "deer in the headlights" look as I knew I was suppose to say something - but I didn't know what.  Thanks to my new friend for allowing me to follow her to her group!

The groups were all given the same challenge to discuss.  The challenge was to find something (an act of service) that each group can do for the church or the community within the next month.  My group spoke in English the whole time, with a little bit of German.  I insisted that they could speak in German, but one of the guys told me, "But speaking in English is cool!"

Each group had a piece of paper for our group to write down our act of service we wanted to do.  Our group came up with an act of service and they wrote down the names of each member of our small gathering.  When they got to my name, one of the guys asked me, "How do you describe your name?"

How do I describe my name?  What???  It took me a second, and then I realize what he was asking.  I responded, "Oh!  Do you mean how to I spell my name?"

For those of you who don't know much about the German alphabet (as I didn't know much about it either until recently), their alphabet is a little bit different.  There are a few more letters in it and the letters are pronounced differently.  Sadly, I couldn't remember how to pronounce all the letters the German way - but I did remember one important one.  The following was how the next conversation took place:

"I spell my name C-R-Y..." - Me
"Y?  Which letter is Y?" - German Guy
"I don't know...I don't remember..." - Another German Guy
"Oh!!  Sorry...I mean 'upsilon'!...Did I say that right??" - Me
"Yes!  You did!  Good job!" - My New Friend

While I couldn't remember the exact way to say each letter, I remembered 'upsilon'!  If you've ever attempted to learn another language, you know exactly how good it feels when you remember a word (or, in this case, a letter!) and get something right.  It's one of the greatest feelings of accomplishment.  It also gives the feeling and thought of, "I remembered something in German!  Yesssss!  Maybe I'll be okay here after all."

After each group finished filling out their paper of what they want to do in the next month, we turned the paper in and all gathered together for the rest of the service.  The leaders read off the different papers of the tasks everyone intends to do.  Some mentioned that they want to help the church janitor clean for a day, some want to help care for the church garden, others want to provide snacks for the Friday night youth service.  Our group decided to write notes of encouragement to members of the church who are currently in a time of discouragement and hardship.

As the leader was reading off all the different things people planned to do, she was reading them in German as my new friends translated for me.  Then, the leader switched to English and looked at me saying, "The next one is a surprise for Crystal.  One of the groups wants to sing a song for you in English."

The group went up to the stage.  The same leader who introduced me the week before, Hermann, was in this group, and he spoke saying something like, "We just wanted to let you know we are very glad and happy that you are in our youth group while you are here.  We want to sing a song for you and we hope you enjoy it."

The song wasn't one that I knew - but I liked it!  The song is called, "Heaven is a Wonderful Place".  The group sang the song and then invite everyone else to join them for the second round.  If you don't know the song - click here for a youtube (random) video of the song.

After the service was over, they had hotdogs for everyone to enjoy.  (Yum!)  As we ate our hotdogs we all chatted and some of us stayed to play games.

I got to the church around 8:00 pm.  I didn't leave until about 12:00 am.

I'm really looking forward to meeting more of the youth group this upcoming Friday, as well as getting better aquatinted with my new friends.

I have only gone to the youth group twice, but I look forward to going more than I can really express.  The youth of the church have really gone above and beyond in welcoming me to Germany.  Although I've told them I don't expect someone to translate for me every time, or for them to sing a song in English every week, so far they have.  Every time I have left the group, I leave feeling encouraged.  They have really included me and I am excited about making new friends.

The Travelin' Chick,
Crystal

Jamba Juice, Wheels on the Bus, and Eskimo Kisses

Just making more memories with my family before I leave...(This time captured on video to go along with my previous blog entry!)

Rayna has been asking for Jamba Juice all day. What a smart child. (Seriously. She and I should be their spokeswomen.)

The first part is suppose to say, "The Crystal on the bus says..." That's where she says, "Rock on!"
The Rayna on the bus says..."Yeah babyyy!"
The horn on the bus says..."Beep beep beep!"
The mommy on the bus says..."I love you!"

Some of our favorite verses!

The Travelin' Chick,
Crystal

How Great Is Our God (World Edition)

Today I heard this version of this song on the radio for the first time. I had heard the English version many times throughout the last several years. In fact, the E-TEAM group I was apart of going to St. Croix used the song for a sign language presentation in 2007. With the memory of the song, and the words within it, this song has a special meaning in my life. Then, today, I heard this specific newer version.

When the song came on the radio my mom and I were in my car. Throughout the car ride we chatted throughout the whole drive. However, when this song came on...I stopped talking and instead I listened. Goosebumps traveled up my arms as a smile curved on my face and tears filled in my eyes. I told my mom, "Can you imagine? This is what it's going to be like in Heaven. All nations together worshiping God in our own languages. Except, regardless of language, we'll be understand one another."

Revelations 7:9

"After this I looked and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and in front of the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands."

Can you imagine? Can you imagine standing in the streets of Heaven with believers from China, Uruguay, Bulgaria, Japan, Spain, (and so many more countries that I can't even begin to name)? What an amazing sight and sound this will be. I've been to worship services in Mexico, Japan, and Spain where English is not the primary language. It's hard for me to describe the feeling I get when I worship with others who speak a different language. It's on of the most amazing feelings and experiences I have ever had in my lifetime, and one I always look forward to while traveling.

This song puts me in awe and makes me excited. It's one reminder (of many) of why I do what I do. Why I travel and go abroad...Why God has given me the passion for missions that He has given me. It helps me imagine the bigger picture in a way my human mind can grasp, although I can't even begin to really fathom what it will be like in Heaven one day. This song inspires me.

The Travelin' Chick,

Crystal

"I Love You This Big!"

Part of Scotty Mccreery's I Love You This Big

"...I might look a little silly

Standing with my arms stretched open wide.

I love you this big

Eyes have never seen... this big

No-one's ever dreamed... this big

And I'll spend the rest of my life

Explaining what words cannot describe but, I'll try

I love you this big

I'll love you to the moon and back

I'll love you all the time

Deeper than the ocean

And higher than the pines...

I love you this big

Eyes have never seen... this big

No-one's ever dreamed... this big

And I'll spend the rest of my life

Explaining what words cannot describe but, I'll try

I love you this big...

So much bigger than I ever dreamed my heart ever would

I love you this big..."

Okay. If you look at all the lyrics of this song it is an obvious love song from a guy to a girl. However, in my case it's so much more.

The day of Ashley's burial service this song was playing on the radio. While listening to the song only certain phrases stuck out to me - mostly the ones I quoted above. As the music was being played through my cars speakers I kept hearing, "I love you this big..." thinking about, Ashley, my niece, and my love that I have for her.

Fast forward a month later.

The night before my birthday I was at camp with our teen girls from church. Once the room's seemingly endless chatter and laughter silenced, I found myself in my own little world of thoughts. Often in the silence I think about life and the recent events that have taken place.

This night specifically I kept thinking about Ashley. I kept thinking about how much I miss her and how I wish she was still with us. Thoughts of birthdays came to my mind, as I will never get to buy her a birthday present and/or she will never get to color me a colorful card with colorful crayons when it's my birthday. We will never get to celebrate each other's lives together. Before I fell asleep I couldn't help but think, "I wish we could be together on these special days in some way."

The next morning came around. As I awoke to my alarm clock the very first thing that came to my mind was the song lyric, "I love you this big..." This was stuck in my head for at least an hour.

Some may think this is just a weird coincidence that the song was being played the day we buried her, just to have me wake up to it the morning of my 20th birthday after a night of wishing we could celebrate together. They can think what they may.

In my heart I truly do believe this was a way for my niece to tell me, "Happy birthday, Aunt Crystal! I love you! I love you this big!" As I think about those words I think about Ashley in her new body, bigger then the mere 14 ounces she weighted on earth, stretching her strong and long arms out across Heaven sending her love and good wishes my way.

Hey Ashley - I love you THIS big - and I am NOT afraid to say it!

The Travelin' Chick,

Crystal