Singleness: A Dating Comfort Zone

When you meet one of my really close friends (Melinda) you’ll notice one thing right away: She and I are total opposites.

She loves to dance and has rhythm.  I can't keep beat to save my life, and prefer to listen to music while standing still.

Melinda enjoys cooking, and well…It’s a rarity that you see me in the kitchen without chocolate and sugar, verses chicken and rice. She loves to cook, I love to bake.

Her personality is bubbly and outgoing. Me? I’m usually friendly and am out going in the right situations, but I frequently stay more mellow and in my quiet shell in areas where Melinda socially thrives.

She's Pentecostal.  I'm (Free Will) Baptist.

Our personalities, our wardrobes, our taste in guys…They’re 100% opposite.

Thinking about it, I think only thing I think we really have in common is our music choice and that we both love Jesus. (If you ask her about all this – she’ll pretty much tell you the same thing. We’ve talked about this 1,000 times - no exaggeration.)

Usually it works out in ways where she gets me out of my quiet, shy shell and I help her think of things in a new perspective. We’re opposites, but we often compliment one another really well.

In a recent discussion, though, we realized that we’re opposites in another way.

While not wanting to be redundant, I know I mentioned above that our tastes in guys are different. However, a few days ago we realized that our comfort levels in regards to having a relationship with a guy are different too.

A few months ago Melinda asked me a brutally honest question…a question no one has asked me before, and a question that made me really think hard about the answer. Her question?? She basically asked me, “Do you think you sometimes use your "Five Year 'No Man Plan'" as a way to hide from the possibility of a relationship? Do you think you’re afraid of a relationship, and this no man plan is a comfort zone?”

She even continued by pointing out, “Even when we’re out and you see or meet a cute guy, you point out he is attractive, yet you instantly start talking to me about your no man plan. You explaining that it doesn’t matter that you’re attracted to him – because you have a plan. You say you’re open to the right guy if God brings him, but it’s like you use it as an instant repellent by mentioning it within ear shot around the guy.”

Woah. I hadn’t really thought about this before, and I really had to be honest with her – and myself. (I didn’t even realize that I do this.)

I’ve never been in a relationship before – but not necessarily by choice.  It was never my plan to spend all of my 23 years of my life in total and complete singleness.  Truthfully, I always figured that by this point in my life I would have at least been on a date or two, minimum - and I realize that going 23 years without going on a date or being in a relationship is extremely unusual in our culture.  (People tell me this all the time - even if it's just by their very obviously shocked facial reactions.)

I’ve never had a boyfriend, I’ve never dated, I've never been in a relationship - and realistically I know I really don't have much control on this matter.  Things in life happen in their own time, and my timing for things to happen may not be the same as our culture's norm...and that's okay.

In the past I've had a few crushes.   I’ve even fallen hard for a couple of guys here and there with an attached hope for him to like me back…With the hopes of having a relationship with that guy. It’s just never worked out for different reasons.

Which, side note: It always cracks me up when people ask me why I’ve never had a boyfriend or why I've never been in a relationship, as if this is 100% by choice because having a desire to have a boyfriend means that I should have one automatically...but life is always a bit more complicated than that.

As I thought about her question, I realized that yes, I do think I use my no man plan as an excuse at times. I don’t always do that, but I think I do sometimes use it as a safety net. Sure, I claim I’m open to a possible relationship if the right guy were to pursue me – but how open have I really been to the idea? Probably not as open as I said I would be. (Although, I have to say…it really is easy to stick to a no man plan when there are no eligible, single, Christian men near me, or any eligible Christian guys attempting to pursue me. This creates an easy, no effort necessary, instant no man plan success. Ha…)

My no man plan has done a really good job with its main purpose: Helping me focus on my school work, getting a job, etc. It’s done a good job in helping me stay focused on the fact that I don’t need a man to live or thrive – because really, I don’t. I’m living in the moment, happy with being single, not focusing on the fact that I don’t have a boyfriend – like many girls my age have a tendency to do when single. (If you read the actual blog entry on my plan, then you’ll see it’s full, logical purpose – all of which are valid points.)

However, I think Melinda is right. My plan has become my comfort zone. I know no other way…I don’t know what it’s like to have a date, or a boyfriend. It is completely unknown territory and that scares me. I’ve defined myself by who I am as an independent person – and I have no idea how I would change, how my life would change, if there were another person so close to me.

A part of it, I think, is that although I’ve never had a relationship – I have been hurt in the past. Sometimes I’ve been hurt by a guy or two intentionally, and there has been a time or two that the hurt hasn’t been intentional.

But then I realize that I’ve even been deeply hurt by past close friendships I once valued so deeply with people I once trusted, yet, I have no idea what even happened between me and some of those friends. I’ve tried to find out, but I haven’t gotten any answers. If you know me well – I thrive the best when I have good, deep friendships and cannot stand having broken ones, or ones that seemingly and mysteriously end. Broken or ended friendships hurt me deeper than I can ever explain.

A guy as a boyfriend? He’s more than just a boyfriend. He is first, and foremost, a friend. And I think that alone scares me. Knowing the sting of lost friendships, I can’t imagine the possible pain of a lost close friendship and deeper relationship with a man.

To have a boyfriend, it means being open and transparent – and I know I’m not always very good at that. In the back of my mind, I think I sometimes wonder in regards to specific friendships, “Well, I use to be good friends with so and so. I was honest and transparent with them, but where are they now?? What’s the point if people keep leaving?”

There’s a certain level of myself that wants to keep things to myself, because I fully trust myself. I feel as though I can protect my heart in ways others can’t and in ways that others have let me down.

For example: In my blog entry "Exchanging the Negative for the Positive" I mentioned the lady who gave me unasked for make up advice so I can “hide" my birthmark "better”. I mentioned it frustrated and hurt…But what I didn’t mention? I didn’t mention that when I got into my car, I bawled my eyes out like a baby. Granted, I know some of those tears were from feeling physically awful from my recent gallbladder surgery, and from my disappointment of not going to DC this summer to attend Gallaudet…(In 2014 I was accepted into the college for the Deaf for 6 weeks of summer ASL classes)…but I know that a lot of it was the frustration in feeling like I’m in this constant struggle of wanting society to accept me as me, facial difference and all. A lot of my tears were from a build up of many hurtful comments that people had recently thrown my way. Yet, I left that part of out of my blog…And I even chose to forgo the fact that I had a major crying session in my car when telling the story to Melinda, and even to my mom – and I tell them both just about everything.

Melinda, on the other hand, is comfortable when she has a relationship with a man. She’s comfortable in having another half, a boyfriend. While I find my identity in being an individual while being independent, she frequently finds herself craving to have a relationship, while uncomfortable being single…often wondering when God will bring her “Mr. Right”.

I don’t know all the reasons as to why that’s her comfort zone, and really, it’s not my place to blog about them anyway. We all have our comfort zones, and they’re all different depending on the person. Her comfort zone just happens to be relationships, and mine happens to be in my singleness.

What I do know is that when I see my friend – I see her for her. I see her personality, her dreams and vision, her humor, her life story. I remember all the joy and laughter she’s brought to my life. She’s a woman who loves God with all her heart and always an honest woman who keeps in me check when it’s needed the most. She’s a woman who hopes to marry one day – as long as it’s the right guy. I see her as a person, a person who doesn’t need a guy to define her.

Just like I see Melinda’s value as being her being herself, I know that she sees me for me. She sees a woman who loves to ramble in her blog, who loves to travel, and who has massive God-sized dreams for her life – while loving God throughout all that life brings her. She sees me as a woman who, although she sees me as an individual, she sees someone who deserves true love just as much as any other woman – even if I don’t always feel like I do.

During the summer we had a conversation where we were comparing our differences and Melinda told me, “I think for the summer, you and I need to switch plans. I should take your no man plan – and you should put your no man plan on hold. We should both step out of our comfort zones!” Ha!

Often people ask me in confusion, “Do you even want to get married one day?” I cannot even emphasis how much I would love to marry in my future, and I hope that’s a blessing God includes in his plan for my life. Yet, I don’t want to put too much hope in something that may never happen…and while a relationship is sometime I desire, it’s also something I am scared to have – hence my comfort zone.

Now that I’ve been honest with myself, God, my friend, and now my blog readers – here’s to continuing in my no man plan, but not using it as a safety net, excuse, or form of repellent.

Here’s to being more open, and more willing to embrace any possible future God may have for my life – man included, or not.

You may be in a comfort zone too. Maybe it’s relationship related, or maybe it’s not. Just in case you need to break out of a comfort zone you’re in too – here are a favorite quote that I have found on doing so as a form of encouragement:

“Move out of your comfort zone. You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new.”
- Brian Tracy

“I'm continually trying to make choices that put me against my own comfort zone. As long as you're uncomfortable, it means you're growing.”
-Ashton Kutcher

“The further you get away from yourself, the more challenging it is. Not to be in your comfort zone is great fun.”
- Benedict Cumberbatch

“Coming out of your comfort zone is tough in the beginning, chaotic in the middle, and awesome in the end...because in the end, it shows you a whole new world!! Make an attempt.”
- Manoj Arora

“Sometimes we have to step out of our comfort zones. We have to break the rules. And we have to discover the sensuality of fear. We need to face it, challenge it, dance with it.”
- Kyra Davis

You never know what could be if you’re not willing to try, right?

The Travelin Chick,
Crystal

PS: To read another entry I've written on dating and relationships, check out my blog entry Challenges for Singles (In a Couple's World).

***Please note, I did ask Melinda if it would be okay to include her in this blog entry. I did not write about her on a such a personal level without her okay, and without her proof reading what I wrote first.***

A Home to Return to

Recently I met at Starbucks with a couple of friends of mine.  One friend in particular was asking me how many more laser treatments I would need for my birthmark.  Responding, I told her something like, "I don't know.  I can stop when I want to stop or I can keep going.  I had them as a child but decided to stop when I was about 11-years-old, and my mom said, 'okay', and let me stop.  When I was about 18-years-old, I told my mom I wanted to continue - and she told me 'okay' again, and I continued."  She said something to the effect of, "You have a good mom who supports you and your decisions."

And that's the thing.  I do have a good mom.  In fact, I have a great mom who supports me and my decisions...and recently, I've realized how I sometimes take her - and my dad - for granted.

Lately I've been reminded more and more about how blessed I am to have my parents in my life.  During the last few weeks, I keep hearing stories of people who don't have such a great support system in their lives.

I have friends who don't want to go home, because if they do, they have to "deal with their family".  I have friends who's parents aren't kind to them with their words, who put their child (my friend) down.  My friends have parents who tell their children that they aren't pretty enough, thin enough, or that they deserve to become sick, they deserve to go through an emotional hard time, etc, etc.

In my ASL (American Sign Language) classes I learn of stories of children who are Deaf who have gone through horrendous medical experiments, therapies, and treatments - even when they requested that they stop.  (This happened/happens when parents are new to having a Deaf child and rely on doctors for advice.  The parents want what is best for their child, but what they are told to do by their doctors doesn't always end up being the best option.)  My teachers, friends, and classmates who are Deaf share what it is like to grow up Deaf in a hearing family...Being left out of conversations, social activities, and being left completely alone.  One friend even shared that his mother left the family when they found out he was deaf.

The other week, I was with a group that included 6 of my friends (two friends are Deaf, the other four are hearing).  We were trying to figure out who all wanted to go to Wal-Mart, so we asked both the hearing and Deaf friends in the group if they wanted to to to the store.  If we all went, we would take two cars, as we all wouldn't fit into one.  If some wanted to stay at the apartment until we got back, we only need to take one vehicle.  One of my Deaf friends responded, "I don't need to go.  I'm use to being alone.  I'm use to my family leaving me out."  Needless to say - we took two cars and made sure that all 6 of us went to the store together that night.

Two weekends ago I also went to see The Deafhood Monologues.  The monologues included many true stories based on experiences and the history of Deaf culture and people, but one story particular stood out to me...and has come to my mind everyday since the performance.

During the monologues, actress Shira Gravelsky presented a (true) story of a woman who went to an adoption agency.  The woman that Shira played met a young girl who loved to draw - regardless of the fact that she was missing fingers.  Shira's character spoke to someone in charge, asking if the little girl was born without her fingers.  To her character's surprise, the little girl's current condition was not to be faulted due to her development in the womb or due to a birth problem.  It was faulted by a recent, tragic, life event.

The little girl was born deaf.  She learned to do some sign language, but then her parents took her to a doctor who dubbed signing and ASL as bad.  The doctor insisted that the parents push oralism and speech therapy on the child - and told them not to let their daughter sign or use ASL.

Her parents tried to get her to go oral, but she continued to sign.  Her dad became infuriated and one day yelled, "Is she signing again??  Is she?  Make her stop!  Make her speak!...Is she signing??  Make her put her hands out!"  So, the child was forced to lay out her hands - and bam!  Her father took a knife and cut off all his child's fingers.  (The child's parents went to jail.)

I listen to stories like this and my heart breaks.  I listen to my friends talk about their strained relationships with their parents who aren't very kind, and I become extremely saddened.  My heart has broken so many times during the last two months as I hear stories in class or through new friends.  All the people I've heard share about their poor home life are such beautiful people, and I can't imagine how their parents don't see the beauty in their own children, or how they don't accept their child as they are.  Hearing about all of these stories and experiences...I am reminded of how lucky and blessed I am to have the parents that I have.

When it comes to my health and to my body, my parents have never forced me to do anything I haven't wanted to do.  Like with my laser treatments.  If I want to have them, they're okay with it.  My mom even drives me to and from - 3 hours each direction.  If I want to stop the treatments, they are okay with that too.  And when I was diagnosed with chronic pain at the age of 12?  My parents made sure that I got the best treatment possible to help relieve as much of the pain as possible.

If I need help with friend situations or need advice of any kind, I know I can trust my parents.  I know they'll think rationally and not attempt to feel bad about any of the situations.  They try to encourage me through their advice.  They're not afraid to be honest with me if I'm in the wrong or need correcting, but they correct me in love and in a tender way in hopes of helping me grow as a person through the situation.

My parents have let me travel the world without them since I was 15-years-old.  They want me to travel, understanding that the world is a big and unique place.  They've encouraged me to spend 6 months in London, and supported me when I wanted to go to Japan to help with the disaster relief efforts after the tsunami hit.  Even though the tsunami and issues Japan was having with the nuclear plants and radiation made my parents a little nervous, they knew I felt like I need to go and they trusted in God to keep me safe.

When I decided to move to Germany for 6 months, my parents let me make my own decision and told me it was a good, once in a life time oppurtunity.  When I decided it was best for me to come home from Germany 4 months early, my parents were once again in full support.  They welcomed me home with wide-open arms and picked me up from the airport.

Whenever my parents see an area I become interested in, they encourage me to persue my new interest.  If I enjoy a new hobby, they support me.  My dad, after all, is the one who surprised me when I was 13-years-old as he bought me my first SLR camera - seeming completely at random at the time.  I remember coming home from school, seeing a Nikon D50 on the table, and asking my dad, "Who's is that??"  He told me, "It's yours."  I don't even remember asking for a camera.  Asking him tonight why he bought the camera for me, he recalled realizing my growing interest in creating videos and thought I needed a better camera to help me out in the new hobby.  Little did he know how much photography would become part of my life!

And in college...Even when I change my major for the 3rd or 4th time, my parents always insist that they want me to major in what I love, what I'm passionate about, and what makes me happy.

My parents have accepted that I am living my life and am trying to live it to the fullest.  They've stuck with me through the good times, and the most trying times.  They even try to give me experiences that they possibly didn't have themselves as a child or young adult.

I just can't imagine having parents who don't accept me for who I am.  I can't imagine having parents who ignore me, or force me to do things I don't want to do, or who make me feel ugly and awful about myself.  I've been blessed with parents who are patient, kind, encouraging, accepting, and who have instilled that beauty runs much deeper than skin deep.  They've taught me to be proud of who I am, even through my differences.

My life could have been extremely different had I been born into a different, less supportive family...And I just want to thank my parents.

Thanks, mom and dad.  Thank you for being great, supportive, encouraging, and loving parents.  Thank you for being parents that I enjoy spending time with.  I hope that if I ever become married, and have children, that I am half as great as you two.

Thank you for giving me a home that I want to return home to at night.

The Travelin' Chick,
Crystal

Concert for the Deaf

Nearly two weeks ago I went to a concert.  The music was loud and the concert was incredible!  So incredible, in fact, that I would go and see this person in concert any time that he comes to town.  The catch?  This wasn't a "normal" concert.  It wasn't a famous country or rock band, nor is this person famous.  The concert was 100% Christian and focused on Christ...And the performer is hard-of-hearing, and did his concert all in American Sign Language (ASL).

ASL is a new passion of mine.  I look forward to every ASL class I have and I hunger to learn more about deaf culture, the language, and the people who use ASL as their first language.  Maybe sometime I'll write a blog on "Why ASL?" to go in deeper detail about this newly found passion...But when I heard that there was going to be a Christian ASL concert, I knew I had to go!

You might be sitting there, thinking, "A concert in ASL??  How can you have a concert in ASL?"  At the end of this blog entry, I'll post a video of the man, Pastor Ronaldo Feliciano (who was the signer), so you can have a visual idea of what it was like.

The concert was beautiful and inspiring.  Like I mentioned above, the music was loud.  (Deaf people like it loud so they can feel the beat to the songs.)  As the music played, there was a projection on a screen behind him with the words to the song.  While the song played, he passionately signed to the music, worshiping God in his language of signs.  Watching him sign, you can tell how much love he has for God.  And although I didn't understand each sign, as I am still learning the language, the message of Christ was clear.

Going to this concert was a really great experience.  I left the concert with a deeper desire to become fluent in ASL.  Hearing the story and testimony of Pastor Ronaldo...Wow.  What an amazing testimony!  God has really given him the unique gift of singing with signs, and God is really using him.

Bellow is a video of one of the songs that he performed in concert.  The video really does not do the concert experience justice.  If you ever want to put on a deaf event in your community that focuses on God, I really recommend that you consider inviting Pastor Ronaldo to your church.  (His goal is to travel and share the Gospel through music and signing.)  You will be blessed!

Here is a video:

And, if you'd like to purchase DVDs of some of the songs he performs, you can Click Here.

The Travelin' Chick,
Crystal

A Busy Sunday

Today I had the opportunity to speak at two churches about my trip to London. The church I spoke at this morning was a local church in my hometown. The other church was in Bakersfield, about two hours from where I live.

It was a joy to be able to spend time with both churches and the people that attend them! I love being able to see people from other churches, meet new friends, hear their stories, etc, etc. If you attend either church: Thank you to all of you for your prayers, encouragement, and support - and thanks for having me! It was a joy to visit with you and I hope to see you around again soon. I can't wait until I return back from London and can tell you all about what God is doing in England. (Until then, I hope you are able to follow the journey through my blog!) :-)

Being in Bakersfield I had the honor of visiting with a friend and an OM prayer partner, Amberly. (She was also the Retreat Speaker this year for our California FWB Women's Retreat...I've said this before, but if you need a speaker, I highly recommend her!) Mom came with me so she could make the drive easier for my foot. We were able to visit with Amberly as well as meet one of her dear sweet friends and wonderful family. It was really nice to be able to catch up and to share some laughs together!

While in Bakersfield, after lunch with Amberly and her clan, an interesting situation occurred. I was standing outside Wal-Mart waiting for my mom to pull the car around to pick me up. (We had to park a ways away, and my foot was weary from walking.) Standing outside I noticed there was a guy running a booth. I'm not 100% sure what the booth was for, as I didn't go take a look. All I know is it had to do with Jesus and a mission.

As I was waiting for my mom I heard the man running the booth say to a woman, "May God bless you, ma'am!" Two seconds later I heard him say something like, "...No, not you! I was talking to the other lady! May God bless her!"

The comment definitely took me by surprise! I wasn't sure if I should laugh or be in shock...So I ended up doing a little bit of both. It is my prayer that God blesses both of the women he talked to today!

Oh, and if you've read my "Who am I?" page here on my blog, remember how I spent a year in Nashville, Tennessee, to go to the Free Will Baptist Bible College? Well, apparently the southern slang is still embedded in my mind and is mixing in my vocabulary. Here's where I admit: I used the phrase, "I'm fixin' to..." unintentionally tonight in my OM speech. Yes, I lived one year in Tennessee. Yes, I was born and raise in California...and have been home from Tennessee for a year and a half. I guess I embrace and cling to different cultures??

How did you spend your Sunday??

The Travelin' Chick,
Crystal