Sitting in a local café in London, I was talking with a lady from Romania (that we will call “Valerie”). Before I even met her I could tell she was hurting and broken. By her facial expressions, body language, etc, I could tell that she carried a heavy weight of pain in her life.
Valerie already knew on of my Korean friend whom was also a
part of the conversation in the café. In
fact, my Korean friend talked to her all day and I was only able to talk to her
for two hours, as I was committed to be at our book table and couldn’t stay the
whole time.
During the two hours I spent with Valerie I couldn’t help
but notice how my heart ached for her obvious pain and hopelessness.
If you read my last blog entry, you know that my goal and
prayer was to be able to use my testimony while out on the streets meeting
people. Truthfully? In the first month or two I don’t think I
was quite ready to share my story with a complete stranger. My wounds were still raw and stinging with
pain. In fact, I struggled enough
sharing my story with people I had known for month (or longer) without starting
to cry. But now? Now I was ready.
While talking with Valerie, God prepared and opened a way
for me to share what He has been doing in my life throughout the last
year. (My Korean friend also got to share her testimony as well!) As she spoke, Valerie said
something such as, “I shouldn’t be angry at God.”
I don’t know the cause of her pain nor do I know what past
action she is trying to forgive herself.
What I do know, and what I can relate to is anger. I know what it is to be angry with God. (I’m human…what can I say?)
Once she finished speaking, I spoke up saying, “I know what
it’s like to be angry with God. This I year went through at least two months where I literally woke up and went to bed
angry. There were days when, while I
still believed in God, I really just didn’t even want to talk to Him.”
Giving me a curious look, I continued. As I told her my story I told her everything
in the order that each event took place.
But in summary, I shared with her about the heartaches of 2011. I shared of my dad’s three illnesses that
lead to three hospitalizations, nearly taking his life each time. Recalling back to my year, I also told her of
my niece, Ashley, and how she died while I was in Japan, but was able to hold
her for the first and last time before we buried her. Then I told her of my grandmother’s second
round of cancer, as well as other family cancer scares…Not to mention my own
ankle injury and surgery, and other family illnesses/emergencies. If you’ve followed my blog, you know most of
my story as I wrote as it all took place. (Although, my blog doesn't cover my whole story...so if you ever want to know the full edition, feel free to ask.)
After I told her of all the heartaches I went through, I
also told her, “I was angry about my life, my situation, and eventually
realized that ultimately, I was just angry at God. I was angry for what seemed like a lack of
protection and for Him not healing my baby niece in a way that would let her
live. Once I realized I was angry and
admitted to God of my pain and emotions, God was able to start repairing my
brokenness, pain, and fears. But even
now, just four months after everything took place, I am still learning from
God about this issue.
“I’m learning that I can’t always change the ways of my own
heart as much as I attempt to do so…I have to pray for God to change what I
can’t change on my own – like my anger I held towards Him, as well some of the
bitterness that is still stored in my heart…And sometimes, that’s a daily
prayer. It’s not always a prayer we pray only one time
in our lives. It’s not always that
simple. We have to remember to
continually go to Him and rely on Him, not ourselves.
“No matter how we feel – God knows. If we’re angry with Him – He knows. We might as well tell Him and start repairing
the cracks in our relationship with Him that our anger and bitterness causes.”
Throughout telling her my story and all that I had to say,
she seemed like she was focused. In the
end she asked me many questions. Granted, there is the fact that she’s from
Romania. English isn’t her first
language and there were some miscommunications through some of what was
said. (For example: I was telling her of
my “baby niece”. The first time I said
that she said, “You’re baby??” Since I
have no children of my own, I quickly explained that it was not my own child
but my sister’s.)
I’m praying that God was able to use my imperfect words and
testimony for His glory regardless of communication barriers caused from our
two very different languages.
I told Valerie that she could always start by praying to God
to help her find a way to love herself and to forgive herself for whatever she
has done in her past…To change her heart in a way she can’t change on her
own. She told me that she couldn’t and
wouldn't do that. In reply, I asked, “Can
we pray for you? Can we pray that God
will show you a way to forgive and love yourself – even if you can’t?” She told me that we could.
I told her, “If our Great and Might God can still love you
and forgive you, then it’s okay for you to do the same. You might not be able to forget your past,
but that’s okay. God can help you learn
through your story and use to help other people who can relate one day in the
future.”
As we ended our conversation (at least, the first two hours that I was apart of...My dear Korean friend stayed with her to talk for a few hours more) I shared with her Jeremiah 29:11, and how it reminds us that God has a plan for our future. Just before leaving the table, I told her, “I just can’t help
but imagine God looking down on you, His child, His daughter, thinking to
Himself, ‘My precious Valerie, I love you more than you will ever know, and I
have forgiven you.’” I also told her of
how God must ache for His own hurting daughter. (Knowing how much my heart aches for her, I can't even begin to imagine how God must feel when He sees how much she is hurting.)
If Valerie comes to your mind, please pray for her...
- Pray that she can love and forgive herself.
- Pray for God to change her heart in a way she cannot change on her own.
- Pray that she finds peace and joy through our one and only God.
- Please pray that regardless of my imperfections and our language barrier, that the important parts that God wanted her to hear she not only heard, but also listened to them as well.
The Travelin' Chick,
Crystal
