I Look Just Fine (I am Beautiful)

This is with the special makeup on.  We didn't use the extra
thick stuff I had used in the past, but it is stronger than the
average brands you can buy at Target.  The lady also did
some "lip work", trying to balance out lack of symmetry.
(At my request, since I was curious to see how it would
look.)  What do you think?  In person it looks a little different.
Not sure how it looks in photos to others, since I can always
easily see the birthmark regardless of any type of makeup.

Earlier this week I was having a discussion with my ASL interpreting teacher.   My teacher is great.  I've really enjoyed his class and have learned a lot about my future career choice.

For the first time in in the two months of knowing each other, we held a one-on-one in-depth discussion, taking place several minutes before class was suppose to start.  We chatted as we asked each other questions, shared stories, and got to know one another a little better.

As we were chatting, I quickly said something in reference to my birthmark (it fit into our discussion).  Looking at me with a confused expression, he asked me, "What birthmark?"  Internally, I was thinking, "What??  This guy is one of the most observant people I've ever met. How does he not see it??"  Instead of saying what I was thinking, I responded, "You know…The one on my face."  With a wrinkled forehead of continued genuine confusion, he told me, "Oh.  I don't even see it."

I was caught off guard by his statement, yet refreshed that some people don't instantly see what I see daily through people's stares and comments.  I am use to people I've known for a long time, or who see me on a regular basis, saying that they can no longer see my birthmark…as though their eyes are immune to my difference.  I've only known my teacher for a couple of months, yet from the beginning, he hadn't taken notice to it even once.  Instantly after meeting me, he saw me as me…as a person…going deeper than my physical appearance, and not just as who I may appear to be.

Little did I know, later in the week I would meet someone with very opposite visual attention and opinions.

For Christmas I was surprised with backstage passes to for an upcoming Lady Antebellum concert.  I already knew I was going, but had nooooo idea that my parents and aunt Felicia went the extra mile to get the special passes.  With the backstage passes, Felicia and I get to attend pre-concert, we get to meet the band, and we have front row seats…Pretty cool, right??   I am SO ready for March 16^th!!

This week I received a phone call about scheduling my next laser treatment.  Not really thinking about the concert, I scheduled my treatment for March 10^th…Just 6 days before the concert.

I realized the dilemma of my and schedule conflict yesterday morning.  Sure, the concert and treatment are nearly a week a part, but my face will still be much darker – and possibly a little swollen.  Although I’m technically allowed to wear makeup just 3 days after the treatment, it’s uncomfortable and is a little painful for me.  It usually takes me a few extra days to feel comfortable putting any source foundation on.

Thinking about the concert I realized I have three options:

1.     Reschedule the laser treatment and go on a later day, after the concert.

2.     Have the treatment, wear my normal makeup to the concert, and go with my face still looking darker than the usual.

3.     Buy special makeup that helps cover birthmarks, and hope that tones the coloring down.

I’m really looking forward to this concert.  In reality, who cares what other concert attenders think if my face looks a little off than its usual??  Who cares what the Grammy award-winning band thinks??  Yet, while I know it doesn’t matter, I still want to look my best when I meet one of my favorite musical groups.

I think I’ve mentioned (very briefly) in one of my blogs about special makeup that has been created for people like me, with birthmarks, or even others with dark scars and burn marks.  I tried it when I was about 9, but disliked it.  It was so thick that it made my skin feel like it couldn’t breathe.  I tried it again when I was a little older, but still didn’t like it.  At the time when I tried it, I wasn’t even wearing “normal” makeup.  (I didn’t start to wear average makeup until I was done with high school at the age of 17.)  Going from no make-up and my natural look to special, thick makeup wasn’t really my cup of tea.

Since it has been 10 years or so since last trying the special makeup, and we had to go to a department store today anyway, I was curious.  I asked mom if we could look at the special makeup while we were there.

Arriving to the make-up counter a lady, Jackie**, offered to assist me.  I asked, “Do you guys have the makeup that helps people with birthmarks?”  She told me that they did and that she would be more than happy to assist me.  She went and found some as she started to sample some on my face.

The whole experience was a little more overwhelming than I expected. 

Before beginning the sampling process, I explained to the lady that I scheduled to have a treatment on my birthmark right before a big concert held by one of my favorite bands…where I get to meet the famous artists.  I explained that I’m quite content with my usual makeup.  However, my birthmark will look much darker after the treatment and I was just looking for something to assist in “toning the darkness down”.

I don’t think the lady quite understood what I was saying.

Jackie repeatedly saying certain phrases that really bothered me.  One being, “To hide the birthmark…”

To hide the birthmark?  I kept reminding her time and time again, “My goal isn’t to hide my birthmark.   I’m content with how it usually looks.  I’m just trying to make the treatment less noticeable by toning down the darker coloring.  This makeup isn’t something I’m going to use on a day-to-day basis – at all.”  She still didn’t seem to get it, as she continued to talk about hiding my birthmark.

Side view.

She used other phrases that really got under my skin.  She would say things like,  “Doesn’t that look better now??”  or, “Now that looks good.”   On occasion she would say, "See?  With her hair down, you can't even see it anymore." 

What??  It  “now” looks better??  “Now” I look good?…who cares if you can see it??

 Lady: I looked just fine before I met you.    

You might say I’m being extra sensitive in how I took what she was saying.  You might say I was taking what she was saying in the wrong way.  Had you been there, had you heard the full context of our whole 45 minutes conversation, and how she kept emphasizing certain phrases, you would understand why I started feeling overwhelmed.  My mom was also becoming agitated.  (Also to note, she kept talking and directing most of the conversation to my mother.  Even when she was talking about me, or asking for an opinion, she would talk to my mom instead of me – the customer.  It was as though all she saw was my birthmark, and that I as a person was completely invisible.)

I kept trying to counteract things she’d say by emphasizing the purpose of just wanting to tone down the after-treatment coloring.  I would tell her again and again that I’m confident with how I look, and by replying with things like, “I’m not trying to hide it – that’s not my desire at all.  I’m content with how I normally look.”

Yet, she kept using phrases that indicating that my birthmark was something to hide.  Something to be ashamed of…that it was something that made me less beautiful than other girls without one on their cheeks.

Jackie may be a skilled makeup artist, but she was not skilled at listening to me, her customer.  Socially speaking, she was not very artistically skilled when she addressed me or my mother.

I looked just fine before meet her.  I didn’t – and still don’t - want to hide my birthmark.

At one point I started to feel a little emotional.  I felt tears threatening to build a well within my eyes.  With her overuse of phrases I tried to steer her away from, I was bothered.  I felt a little hurt.

Obviously it hurt when her words started to feel like she was indicating I didn’t look “fine” (or in other words, beautiful) when I walked in and without the sampled makeup.  Her words temporarily hurt me personally.  But what hurt me even more??  Realizing that she saw people with unique features like mine as less beautiful, as though they – or we - have something to hide.  Her definition of beauty seemed to be negatively skewed.

How much in life has Jackie missed out on because of her view and definition of beauty?  How many people has she missed the chance on getting to know because she became distracted by and focused on their physical appearance, instead of focusing on their internal beauty?  In regards to beauty, how does Jackie even see herself??

My mom did point out that the lady probably meets many women who have the goal of hiding different physical traits about themselves.  She's probably use to meeting unhappy and insecure women.  In her job, Jackie is probably accustomed to helping people who lack a certain kind of confidence and is accustom to working with people who aren't content.  I am probably in the minority of those that she has met with the attitude of, "I'm happy as I am!"

"You are extraordinary.  There is no one in this world
quite like you.  You are as unique as your
fingerprints, as unique as each beautiful
snowflake that falls from a fresh winter's sky."

As a photographer, I see beauty in everyone that I meet.  I see beauty in those who often don’t see beauty within themselves.  I see the beauty in their physical appearance, but I also see that their beauty goes much deeper than that.  I see the beauty in their personalities, lives, jobs, and uniquely individual stories.  I see beauty in the way they interact with their families, in the way they smile and laugh.  I see beauty in their hearts…in their existence as God has created them to be.

I’m not yet sure what I’ll decide on about the makeup and the scheduling of my laser treatment.  (And really, I don't even know how many more treatments I'll decide to undergo.)  I’ll probably call my doctor’s office on Monday and see what is available after the concert, attending it 100% as myself.

Either way…Although the lady’s consistent comments momentarily stung a bit, I knew and still know that I am perfectly fine as I am.  I'm not going to change how I see and define myself because of one person's remarks that were made within just minutes of meeting me…Comments made by someone who wouldn't even take the time to get to know me, or even talk to me directly.

I am beautiful – with or without my birthmark….with or without that makeup.  (Makeup can be fun, but a little foundation on my cheeks can't be, and isn't, the foundation of my true beauty.)  My beauty runs so much deeper than what she chose to see…and that’s her loss.  I don't need her to validate my beauty - internally or externally. I am so much more than my birthmark.  I am more than the mark on my skin.  I am beautiful.  

For those of you wondering about your value…wondering if you’re beautiful…please know, you are extraordinary.  There is no one in this world quite like you.  You are as unique as your fingerprints, as unique as each beautiful snowflake that falls from a fresh winter's sky.  You are you – and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  Please don't let others, the photoshopped magazine ads, or more importantly -  yourself and your internal dialogue -  knock you down or take away your confidence and self-esteem. 

You are beautiful.  It's time to embrace yourself as you are…to embrace your beauty.

The (Beautiful) Travelin’ Chick,

Crystal

**Name has been changed.

Let's Skate!

When I was trying to find the poem I wanted to publish with my last entry How light is too light??, I had to go through some of my old journals to find it.  Since I have my journals out of their usual spot, I started reading through one of them tonight.  The specific journal I'm reading through at this moment starts from when I was 9-years-old and in the 4th grade.  Reading it, I came across this entry:

Dear Diary,
When I wrote about when Brett broke his arm at Cal-Skate, I forgot to tell you something.  Can you guess?  Landon** asked me if I wanted to do the couple skate with him.  I said no.  There are a lot of good reasons I said no too.  #1, he was skating with somebody else.  #2, I was too tired at that time.  Got to go Diary.

Again.  Please keep in mind that I was 9 when I wrote this.

Landon was the boy I had the biggest crush on throughout part of my childhood.  (And to let you know who the other character, Brett, is - he is my cousin.)

This may be silly to some, but reading this entry, I had this life revelation…Or whatever you want to call it.

Reading my aged pen scribbles, and even though I told Landon "no" at his request - I can tell how much I truly wanted to skate with Landon.  I can tell what my true desires were not just through this entry, and other previous ones I read before coming to this page, but I can remember how head-over-heals I was for this kid.  (Well, if 9-year-olds wore heals, anyway.)  I remember being nine.

As I read it, I can dissect it in deeper ways other probably can't and won't.  Not only am I the author who penned this important moment in my personal history, but I am the character who lived in the moment.  I know who I am.  I know my tendencies and my bad habits. 

First tendency/bad habit - I told Landon "no".  I wanted to live in the moment and skate with him.  Yet, I denied myself what I wanted in life.  I denied myself a dream coming true.  Sure, he probably only wanted to skate as friends even thought a specific song was dedicated for couples to skate along, but who cares?  He offered.  I wanted.  I said "no".

Not only did I tell him no, but bringing in my other bad habit and tendency - I also made excuses for myself to give him the answer I gave.  I made excuses to deny myself a moment in life that could have been a great memory.  I was tired.  He had been skating with someone else.   Whatever.

Really, I think the boy just made me nervous.  (You know, since I liked him.)

Again - I realize I was only 9 when I wrote this.  Yet, I can't help but wonder how many dreams I've denied myself?  I can't help but wonder what would happen if I said yes more than I said no…What have I missed out on?  I can't help but wonder, why do I let fear turn possible memories into missed opportunities?  And why do I make excuses, and validate doing so??  Why am I sometimes too afraid to live in the moment?

Even when I tell myself I'm not good enough at something.  When I think negative thoughts about things that I love, things that I should be proud of, it damages the possible outcome and possibilities.  When I say, "I'm not skilled enough at photography" or when I think, "I'd really love to attend Gallaudet University - but it's too expensive and hard to get into.  It's too much work and it'll probably never happen."…Every time I tell myself these lies, I am damaging myself.  I am damaging myself worth and my self-esteem.  I start believing negative lies, making it more likely for them to become true.

My photography could use improvement, yes.  But nobody is perfect at any thing.  Not even Ansel Adams is perfect with a camera in his hand.  He may be great, but I bet even he feels like he can improve in areas.  When I start to tell myself I'm not skilled enough, I should do something about it.  Instead of marinating in negativity, I should embrace a challenge.  I should go out with my camera and photograph something beautiful.  Or, I could pick up a photography book and brush up on new or forgotten knowledge.

I do want to go to Gallaudet.  I want to be an interpreter for American Sign Language.  My theory is, what better way is there to learn a language than to immerse myself within the culture where the language is used??  I feel as though if I attended the college, my ASL skill set would improve…but…The idea of going makes me nervous, just like the time when Landon asked me to skate.  That's when I have to remind myself of a few things.

Sure the college is expensive, but nothing is impossible.  That's what a search engine and scholarships are for.  And the school may be harder to get into if you're hearing (as it is a university for the Deaf), and it might be a challenge to go to a college that is in a second language different from your first...but I will never know what the future could hold if I don't try.

Yeah.  I wrote the journal entry with bright, 90's color-changing gel pens before I was in the double digits of age…But that's not really the point.  The point is, as I reread it, I've realized a pattern in my life.  A pattern I sometimes become immune to noticing.  A pattern I can clearly see I have traced throughout the last 13 years of my life throughout different situations.

Here's to pushing fear aside!  To living in the moment!  I owe it to myself to confidently put myself out there.

Let's shake off those nerves and make memories!!  Let's skate with those who ask!  After all…You only live once.

The Travelin' Chick,
Crystal


**Name has been changed.

Stranger Reactions

This is right before the treatment
started...I know, I know...I got to
wear some pretty stylin' eye protectors.

This last Friday I was able to have another laser treatment on my birthmark.  Although I've had about 35 treatments, I'm always amazed to see how insecure they often make me feel.

I know to most people, my birthmark gives me a unique look that isn't very common.  People tell me this all the time by their stares alone.  However, I am use to my birthmark.  It's my normal.  Or, at least, it's my normal until I have a laser treatment...And then my confidence is out the window as insecurity and self-concious thoughts invade my mind.  After a treatment, I am very aware that I have a birthmark that covers half my face, both because of physical discomfort and the image I see when I look into a mirror.  I am also a lot more aware and sensitive to people's stares.

When I have my laser treatments, I try to spend the first two or three days hiding out in my house as my dark purple face covered in slimy Vaseline has time to heal.  If I had it my way, I wouldn't leave my house until my birthmark was back to it's normal coloring, or at least until I could wear makeup comfortably.

Fun fact: If you were to go with me to my
appointment, you are allowed to go back
with me and watch the treatment...which only
takes about 10 minutes.  Doesn't
my mom rock the look??

After a treatment, I avoid going into situations where I have to be around a lot of people.  The idea of going to school - or even to church - is something I dread...and will often skip if I can.  Usually I'm okay with smaller groups of people, but mostly small groups of very specific people that I am just about 100% comfortable with.  (If you saw me anytime before Monday, know I feel extremely comfortable with you!)  Also, if someone wants to take a picture or video with me in it - forget about it.  Except for my initial "here I am after my treatment photos", until my skin is back to normal, or until I can wear make up, I really try to avoid any visual recording devices.   

Even though I would love to hide out after my treatments, life apparently goes on and I don't always get to hide out.  I still have to go to school and I have to go to work. (Oh yeah! I got a job!  One that I love, by the way!  More on that in the next paragraph.)  So, I put on my big girl pants and attempt to wear a face of my normal level of confidence.  (Although, I'm not sure if confidence is what comes across to others, or if others see the opposite of my goal.)

Recently I was hired at a local elementary school.  I go every weekday, usually an hour each day, helping with monitoring children at their lunch time.  Before my treatment, some of the children asked me questions about it, but surprisingly - not very many.  

After each laser treatment I have, my birthmark is discolored.  It's a much darker purple, and doesn't really look too great.  Luckily this only lasts about a week or two, but I definitely get more questions after a treatment in comparison to when I look like my normal, unique, self.  Today, four days after my treatment, was no exception...Especially since I work with young children.

Today I got to work an extra hour at the school.  Within my two hours of working, I think I got asked more questions about my birthmark by all the children than what I think I've been asked during my whole life.  Being asked many questions, I hope I answered the kids clearly and in a way where they understood what I said, and I hope they felt comfortable enough to ask me all the questions they wanted to ask.  

It surprised me to notice one of my coworkers becoming so upset by the staring eyes and questions I received from the children.  I realize he's not use to other people's reactions like I am, as I saw the children as curious and he saw them as rude, but I am glad I was able to solve the mystery of some of the kid's curiosity.  (Granted, the children really were staring quite a bit and some were making exaggerated facial expressions...And although I'm use to a child's curiosity, questions, and staring, I'm not quite use to handling such a high volume of such curious children at one time.)

I was able to handle 252 laser pulses
this time around!  The laser was also set on a
higher setting in comparison to my previous
visit.

As a teacher brought her students to the cafeteria, they were also staring, making noises, faces of shock (some of horror), talking about me, or asking me questions directly.  The teacher took it upon herself to take charge of the situation, and very sweetly explained to her class, "This nice lady has a birthmark on her face. It's something she was born with and she is a very beautiful person with or without it.  You can ask her about it, but we don't need to stare or make noises.  Staring isn't a nice thing to do - as you guys wouldn't want to be stared at either."  I've never even met this specific teacher before, but I was very impressed, amazed, and thankful for the way she handled her class's reactions.  She allowed the children to be curious, but taught them to be curious in a kind way.  (Sadly, I didn't get a chance to thank her!)

Usually a conversation about my birthmark is started by a child asking me, "What is that on your face?  What happened?"  As I want people, children especially, to feel welcome to ask me about my difference, I try to answer the best way I can, "It's just a birthmark.  I was born with it and have had it since I was a baby.  Do you have a birthmark??"  Sometimes the child will tell me about their own birthmark, or about their sibling's birthmark - and then the conversation ends.  However, sometimes the conversations go a little further.

Here is a handful of the questions and comments I received this afternoon (most of these are from the 6 and 7 year olds I met):

• "Is that really a birthmark?"
• "Oh, I thought that was makeup or paint or something."
• "You were stung by a bee...Huh??"
• "Can I get one?!??!"  (And no - this question wasn't asked in a way indicating, "Is that contagious or something?"  It was asked with genuine indication that the child wanted to have one too.)
• "Did someone hit you?"
• "I saw this thing on TV that could help you."
• "It's too big."
• "Does it hurt?"
• "Will it ever go away?  Do you want it to go away?"
• "You were born with it????"  Then looking even more confused, the child continued, "Wait...You were a baby??"
• "Were you bit by a spider?"

Again, those are just a few examples of the many conversations I had today...Many of which left me laughing - a lot!  (Although, I must say, I think my favorite conversation from my day was when a 6 year old little girl offered me medical advice.)

Not only do my treatments bring questions and comments from children, but from adults as well.  Sometimes the questions are asked by strangers, some are asked by teachers, family members, or friends.  Here are some of the questions I've received this week from the older population, along with my answers or response:

• "How many treatments have you had?  How long have you had them?"
• On Friday we estimated that I've had about 35 treatments.  Possibly more.  I've had them since I was a baby.  I took about a 7 or 8 year break starting when I was 11 years old because the doctors started to have me stay awake for the treatments - and quite frankly - that's a bit scary and uncomfortable for such a young age.  In addition, the treatments weren't working as well as they had in the past, so it also wasn't worth continuing.  Now that I have continued having the laser surgeries, I can have them about every 8 weeks, but it can take up to 6 months to see the complete success of each treatment.
• "Are the treatments something that your parents persuade or pressure you to do?"
• I can easily answer this question with a no.  My parents do not persuade or pressure me to have these treatments in any way.  In fact, when I was 11 years old, I told my mom I wanted to stop the treatments.  She didn't fight me on the decision at all.  Her mindset has always been, "It's your body.  I'm not going to make you do something you don't want to do - especially if it's not a necessity."  When I chose to continue when I was about 18 or 19 years old, my parents were supportive once again.
• "I've had laser hair removal surgery."

• Sometimes I get this response and I think it's just because people feel awkward and don't know what to say to me.  That, or maybe people think it helps them relate to me or that we have something in common.  I've heard that laser hair removal surgery isn't comfortable either, but that's not exactly the same kind of surgery that I have to have for my birthmark and I don't think they quite compare...for more than one reason.
• "Do you get acne on your birthmark?"
• Twenty-two-years later, even my mom still has questions - as this one was from her.  Interestingly enough, I get a lot less on my birthmark in comparison to my "normal" skin and areas of my face.  
• "Does it hurt?"
• This is a question asked by all age groups.  My birthmark does not hurt.  The laser treatment and the first week or so after the treatment, however, does hurt and leave me feeling sore.  Sometimes I even feel sore inside my mouth from the treatment on my cheek.  My face will also start itching once it starts to heal - but I'm not allowed to scratch it for a while.  If I scratch, I risk the possibility of scaring my skin.
• "Do you have to have the treatments?  What's the purpose?"
• Technically, no, I don't need the treatments.  I have the treatments to lighten my birthmark. As I age, my birthmark will naturally become darker as time goes on.  The blood vessels that cause my birthmark are also at risk of becoming thicker, possibly causing my skin texture to change.  I'm trying to be proactive in controlling the color and keeping my skin texture as normal as possible.  My lips are also a bit uneven because of the birthmark.  If I have the treatments, this may help my lips become more even.  (Ironically, my uneven lips bother me way more than the birthmark ever has.)
• "Is the birthmark a genetic component; something that your children will likely have?"
• From research that I've read and what I have been told by doctors, they type of birthmark I have is not hereditary.  The type I have (a port wine stain) was recently found to be caused by a completely random gene mutation.  This discovery will hopefully open doors to newer and easier treatments, if not a possible cure.  To read more about the research, click here!

If any of you have any questions at all - please let me know!  Leave a comment here on my blog, or email me.  I will respond as best I can (as I don't always know all the answers myself) and as quickly as I can.  I don't mind questions that you may have for me.  It's okay to be curious, and okay to ask! :-)

The Travelin' Chick,

Crystal