DIY: No Man Plan

In the last two weeks or so, I've had a few female friends tell me, "I want to have a 'no man plan' like you do!"  Then, the other night, a friend specifically asked me, "How do you have a no man plan anyways?  How are you able to have one that is so successful?"  I looked at her and jokingly said, "It's easy.  Men don't hit on or flirt with me."  (I was semi joking.)

My friend wants to be in on this no man plan stuff but has no idea where to begin.  During her inquiring, I realized that my last blog entry on this topic,  "My 'No Man Plan'",  I wrote about why I have the plan, and the intentions of my plan.  I did not, however, write about how this kind of plan works.

As my friend asked me her questions, I realized...My plan isn't really about having a plan.  It's more about having a realization.

One of the biggest lessons I have learned in life is that plans...well...They don't always go according to plan.  It's good to have plans.  They give a sense of direction, they give you a goal.  However, in addition to having a plan - you also have to carry around a bit of flexibility.

Here's the thing.  Yes, I have a "no man plan"...But just because I have this plan, if a guy were to pursue me and ask me on a date, it doesn't mean I'll instantly tell him no because of this plan.  (It doesn't necessarily mean I'll tell the guy yes either...ha!)  After all, God's plans for my life are always bigger than what I can think up myself.  If a guy starts pursuing me, I have to be willing to be flexible…Otherwise I may miss out on one of God's blessings for my life.

For all I know, at the end of the five years of my "No Man Plan", I may meet a guy.  Or...God may say, "Forget five years!  There's a great guy who is going to start pursuing you next week!"  Then again, God may instead say, "You can make a bigger impact on this world for Me by staying single than if you were to get married."

No matter how my life plays out, the point of my plan isn't necessarily to cut romance out of my life completely.  Once again, if a guy pursues me sooner than later, I may say, "Ok.  Let's give this a shot." However, if no guy pursues me in the near future - then I'm okay with that too!

Having a "No Man Plan" really means that I've come to a realization.  I've realized and acknowledged that life isn't just about falling in love with Prince Charming and to marry him.  Life is about living!  I don't need to be married to live a life worth living.  I don't need to be validated by a man like many women seem to do - as my worth is not in a single male human-being.  My worth is found in Christ and who I am as a person.

Yes, I would LOVE to be married one day...I'd telling you a huge lie if I told you I wanted to be single for the rest of my life.  Having this plan doesn't make this desire disappear.  It just changes the way I look at the world, who I am as a person, and the decisions I make.  It is my way of saying, "I don't need to be married to live."

Someone recently asked me, "What are you doing to do when your 'no man plan' expires in 5 years?"  I told them, "Probably the same thing I'm doing now.  I'll live life to the fullest, whether I am single, dating, or married."  I'm not out looking for love.  If love comes and finds me, then so be it.

It often saddens me when look at some friends who are literally always searching for love (as if it's their one and only life goal) and always asking, "When is this mystery man coming my way?  When am I going to meet the one?"  It sometimes seems as though they're just sitting, waiting…and waiting…and waiting…Not doing anything else but sitting in the waiting room of the love department of life.

I always want to tell those friends, "Don't you realize there is more to life than men??"   Many of my friends who do this are unhappy in life and will tell you that they aren't happy.  When someone is constantly searching for love…searching for something they want but don't have…I think they put a lot of unnecessary pressure on themselves.  No matter how hard you search, no matter how hard you wish, dream, or pray…it won't make that perfect guy walk in front of you and have him ask you out.  Plus, if you focus on what you don't have - sometimes you can forget about what you do have.

For those of you wanting tips on having a "No Man Plan"...Here you go:

1. Realize the beauty in marriage, but also realize the beauty in being single!
2. Realize life isn't about meeting somebody.  Life's purpose is bigger than getting married.  
3. Find something to do.  Get a hobby, go to school.  Set some goals.   Keep busy!   Find something you're passionate about and strive towards the passion.  If you keep busy doing the things you love, you have less time to think about what you don't have.  By being involved in what you love, it brings the feeling of natural joy and happiness.  It brings a sense of purpose.  I love the job I currently have - and I absolutely love studying ASL.  I have a goal to become an interpreter, hopefully for the medical field if I can become skilled enough.  By keeping myself busy, I don't have much time to think about my singleness.  Sometimes I find myself so busy and I struggle with the little time I have as a single gal.  Had I been dating someone during these last few months, I'm pretty sure I would have felt too stretched and my attention would have been split - not being able to give my 100% towards anything.
4. Surround yourself with likeminded people, and people who are an encouragement.  It has been said that you become most like the 5 people you hang out with the most.  Who are you hanging out with?  People who complain about what they don't have and focus on what they wish they had?  Or do you hang out with people who are happy and content?  What kind of friend are you?  If you're in somebody's top 5 people that they hang out with the most, how are you impacting the developing character of your friends?   Find people you admire and look up to.  Find people that are encouraging and that live life to live life to it's fullest!
5. Get to know yourself before you put yourself into a relationship.  How can you let someone else get to know you, if you don't even know who you are??  What are you passionate about?  What do you love, and what do you dislike?  What do you believe?  What is your attitude on certain topics…So many people try to be who others want them to be so that they will feel accepted…Molding themselves to other people's desires and standards.  Forget being accepted by others.  Accept yourself for the way you are and be yourself!  If you go into a relationship not knowing who you are alone, that's unfair to yourself and to the person you're trying to date.  You need to know your identity alone, and just have an identity defined by who you're dating.  If you were to date right now, and the relationship were to end in a few months…Would you still know who you are if it ended, or will you be devastated by not knowing who you are anymore?  Have have you identified yourself by your love life circumstances?  (I've heard many girls talk about not knowing who they are after their 3 or 6 month dating relationship ended.  I really find that to be incredibly sad.)
6. Realize that if you're not happy now single, you probably won't be happy dating.  You have to learn to be happy as you are in all walks of life - single, dating, married…Be happy to just be you.  Oh - and don't expect someone else to make you happy.  That's not their job and that's not the point of dating.  Dating isn't some instant "I'm happy pill".  I mean, it's not their job to make you miserable either, and dating someone should bring you some happiness.  I've just seen many people go into relationships unhappy, stay unhappy, and for the relationship to end with the person feeling even more miserable.  Think of it this way, do you want to date an unhappy single guy (or if you're a guy reading this, then do you want to date an unhappy single girl) that expects you to make them happy?   How much pressure would that add to the relationship alone?  I just think it would be a lot more work if you go into it with someone, or both unhappy, verses if you were both content before entering into a relationship.   (And actually, I think this one is tied to all the other numbers above in a big way.  If you don't find your own identity, find something you love, surround yourself with great likeminded people…Of course you're going to be unhappy.)
7. You have to be ready for a relationship.  Many people want a relationship - which is natural.  But you have to be ready for one.  Are you sure you're ready?  What are your current motivations for dating??  

Maybe a "No Man Plan Realization" is just what you need.  Maybe it's not.  Sadly, many women (and men) validate themselves, and wait to live depending on their relationship status - and I don't want to be a part of that trend...Do you??

The Travelin' Chick,
Crystal

My "No Man Plan"

What is a “No Man Plan”?  This is my plan for the next five years of my life.  It includes the goals I have set for myself: Finish my time in Germany, get a job when returning to California, finish college with heavy semesters, (and possibly summer school), and buy a house when I graduate with my BA degree.  Oh, and not to mention: Leaving guys (or at least, guys in the romantic sense) out of the picture for the next five years.

Why would I want to leave guys and romance out of the next five years of my life?

In less than a month, I will be 22-years-old. Not only will my age be changing by one digit, but I’ll also be having my 22-year anniversary of being single.

I've mentioned this before - but for a review - just in case you haven't read the other entries: I have never been on a date.  I have never had an actual boyfriend.  I have never been kissed…All of which, is considered to be “weird” by American standards. 

Sometimes I look around at all my friend and at people my age.  Most people, by the age of 22, have already been on a date.  Many of my friends that are my age are now engaged, married, and/or already have children.  While I know I want to wait for the right guy and that I don’t want to settle for anything less then God’s plan, I still sometimes feel behind in the relationship world.  In fact, when I was 18-years-old, a 12-year-old told me that I should join a dating website like eHarmony.

While I have been blessed to avoid so much heartache that many American teen girls face by the age of 15 or 16, I haven’t been as lucky to completely avoid all heart aches – even in the midst of being single.

Although I have always been single, I have had feelings for a few guys that I have known.  Little did I know, before I started to have feelings for them, that these male friends in my life would one day be a new root in my of heartbreak. 

Let me introduce my friend Jason*.  He and I were really great friends.  We talked often about every topic under the sun.  Our families had a long history of friendships, and he and I became really good friends.  Things were going great between us, and honestly, I was getting mixed signals from him.  One minute I would be getting signals from him that he might have feelings in return, but the next minute I wouldn’t be sure.

I never told him how I felt about him (in fact, I’ve never told any guy I’ve been interested in that I had feelings for him)…so we always stayed completely on a friendship level.  As great as our friendship was, I guess I was deceived.  We were talking like normal one day, and then I never heard from him again.  I’m not sure if I did or said anything to upset him, or if he had something take place in his life that made him fall off the face of the planet.  I may never know why our friendship ended the way it did, but it was a hard heartache for me to recover from.

Then there is my friend Wesley*.  Boy, did I fall hard for Wesley!  We started as friends, and eventually I found myself head-over-heels for this guy.  I found my feelings for Wesley to be very inconvenient as I was content being single and more than content not having feelings for anyone.  In fact, I tried as hard as I could to get away from how I felt.  Once I discovered I had feelings for him, I prayed to God, “Lord…Please give Wesley one of three things: Bad breath, bad body odor, or a personality trait that I would consider as a big enough flaw to break my interest, but not big enough to prevent a good friendship from taking place.”

Well, Wesley brushed his teeth, was well groomed, and was a great guy.  We complimented one another in many ways and our friendship grew stronger…and my feelings for him grew with it.

Eventually Wesley found out that I had feelings for him – but not from me.  The whole thing is a long and private story – but he found out how I felt through someone else.   As it turns out, he doesn’t have feelings for me in return, but our friendship has been preserved as we still keep in touch on a regular basis.  While our friendship is still maintained, I would be lying to say that I wasn’t disappointed and would be lying if I told you my heart didn’t painfully break.

Not only can I tell you about the guys I have liked in the past, but I can tell you about other situations too….Like the time a guy named Bradley* texted me, telling me I should let him know when I would be in town so we could “get together”…And I’m not talking about getting together to watch a movie or to meet for coffee.  His text was a bit more crude and slang-filled then what I am willing to post on my blog.  (Or the way my mom would say it, “rude, crude, and socially unacceptable!”)  The guy showed interest in me, but only on a level that I am saving for marriage. 

While I didn’t have an interest in Bradley in a romantic way, my heart still broke.  My heart broke, realizing the lack of respect he had for me as a woman, but also himself.  I’m worth more then a one-night stand, and so is he.  I’m worth far more than what I felt degraded to by his one, simple, text message.

I have a few more stories about guy friends I have liked in the past, but I also have more stories that include a few Bradleys…but I won’t get into all of the stories I could share.  Sometimes, as a single woman, my heart breaks in other ways. 

While my heart has broken a little in each situation, I am thankful my heart has never broken beyond repair.  I am thankful that I haven’t had boyfriend after boyfriend, giving my heart away to the wrong guy(s).  I am thankful that I have avoided deeper heartbreaks that many girls go through several times by the time they are my age.

Although I am thankful, I’m not saying being single is easy.  Hence my “no man plan”.

My plan has been in place for about two months now.   While my plan doesn’t include dating or a relationship – I’m not saying I am completely against the idea of dating someone.  If it’s meant to happen, it is meant to happen.  What I am saying is: I’m not looking for something to happen.  Even with my plan in place, my desire truly is to one day meet a guy, fall in love, and to marry.  I’m also not going to say “no” to the possibility of a blessing from God just because I’m stubbornly holding onto a plan that may not be God’s plan.

In the past, I have desired to be in a relationship.  I think I desired it so much that I spent too much focusing on the idea of finding the right guy, waiting for a relationship to occur…all causing disappointment to take place when things didn’t work out the way I had hoped.

If a guy likes me in the next five years, so be it.  If he likes me – he can let me know.  I’m a bit old school I guess, but I believe it’s the guy’s job to pursue me, the female, and for him be the leader of a household.  I don’t want to develop special feelings for another guy, just to have him not like me back, causing a new dose of pain.  This time – I want a (decent and Godly) man to like ME, and to let me know on his own.  I’m not going to look for him…He can find me.  If he’s there, he’s there.  If he’s not, then he’s not.  (I sometimes wonder if a bus possibly hit him while he was on the way to find me…ha!)

Really, I guess I am trying to avoid unnecessary heartaches while using my single years to focus things that are here, now, and in front of me.  I can’t make my dream man magically appear in front of me, giving myself that perfect, romantic “happily ever after”.  In fact, I may never have a relationship to lead towards marital bliss…but I can focus on becoming a better person, God’s plan, friendships,  relationships with family, and other dreams that I can make come true.

God knows the desires of my heart…but more than that, He knows the plans He has for my life.  Single or one day married – life will be a great adventure with God in control.  While it won’t always be easy, I no longer want to take for granted the joys of being single.

Here’s to a successful, upcoming, busy five years.  

The Travelin’ Chick,

Crystal

****** Names of all of the guys I have mentioned in this entry have been changed for privacy for myself, and for them as well.  

Challenges for Singles (In a Couple's World)

I know that the world doesn’t revolve around couples.  There are singles from all walks of life - by choice, by fate, or even by tragedy.

Like I’ve mentioned in a former blog post – I’ve been single all my life.  I’ve never been on a date, had a boyfriend, and I have yet to experienced my first kiss. 

Kenneth is to the right, I am in the middle.  Sadly, I don't
remember the girl to the right.

Okay, scratch that.  I did have a boyfriend in kindergarten.   His name was Kenneth, and he had red hair and freckles.  He even built me a birdhouse with his dad.  Once, he even gave me a haircut...One that may have needed correcting by a professional. However, as time went on, we realized that we were both too young to know what we wanted in a relationship...So…We ended it. We ended the relationship, and all other boyfriend experiences ceased to ever exist.

In the past, (especially in high school) I have desired to have the experience of going on dates and having a (real) boyfriend.  Living in a world where movies and TV shows make dating and relationships easy to find, it seems as though finding a date should be as easy- if not easier - than counting to 10.  However, the older I get, the more I realize that Hollywood gives false expectations to young girls.  Also, the older I get, the happier I am that I have avoided certain heartbreaks and awkward ex-boyfriend situations that many girls have gone through.

But now I am 21-years-old, and less than a month from turning 22.   I would be lying to you if I told you no longer had desires to have a relationship and deeper friendship with a guy.  The thing is…I do desire to have a relationship.  I think that’s normal for women my age – and any age across the timeline of life.

As time goes on, the more I realize the importance in the way I look at this desire. It’s okay to want a relationship.  I just can’t let my life focus on the possibility of a future boyfriend or future husband.  I can’t live my life in the moments of waiting for something that may not be in God’s plans for my life…Waiting for that “special guy” to come my way, to make my life complete.

Finding a man to spend my life with will not make my life complete.  My life needs to be complete in my relationship with God and confidence in myself as person, and nothing else.  No man can complete me, just as I cannot make anyone else feel whole.  We can only compliment one another.

This all being said – I also can’t deny the struggle that I have felt in moments of singleness.  Moments when childhood friends get married and have kids, moments of big dinners filled with young couples – except me, the only single person in the room.  Or even worse…Moments hearing of people who take for granted the love and relationship that they have with their spouse, betraying the other person’s trust in a single moment of extreme stupidity.  (I find situations like this to be the most frustrating.  What I desire to have – what I pray for – others forget the blessing that they have, and take it for granted.)

For the first time in my life, in recent months I have not only known I am single – but I have felt single.  There is a huge difference in knowing something in comparison to feeling it.

Being single, I’ve had ups and downs.   Through my ups and downs – I have compiled a list.  A list for things from experiences that shouldn’t be said to someone who desires a relationship, and things that you can do to reinforce that it’s okay to be single.

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1. A few months ago I went to a wedding.  It, in fact, was my cousin’s wedding.  We’re the same age and grew up as best friends.  Over the years, our friendship has changed, but I’d still say we are close.  I know that if I need him – he’s there for me.  If he needs me, I am always here to help him.

As my cousin and his new wife were cutting their wedding cake – that was the moment when I realized he was truly married.  (Yes, even after the “I do” and “You may kiss the bride” part.)  It was a moment when I realized that my cousin, my childhood partner in crime, was now grown up enough to be committed to another for life.  I was getting a little choked up when someone next to me jokingly said, “So, Crystal, when are you getting married?”…Excuse me?!??

While I am sure this person was joking, I found it to be hurtful and insensitive…and not very funny.   The only ceremony I am focused on going through any day soon is my college graduation.

2. When a single woman (or man) tells you the desires of their heart, don’t respond with something like, “You’re only 21-years-old!”  My response to that statement is, “So what??  What does age have to do with it?”   My 20-year-old friend got married a week ago, and my 22-year-old friend will soon be a mom.

When this statement is said (and it has), it feels as though my feelings are being devalued …It feels as though my feelings aren’t something to be taken seriously, just because I am 21-years-old.  I am person…A person with feelings and dreams, and they are important – no matter my age.

3. In regards to number two…If someone is confiding to you about their feelings in wanting to one day find a significant other, I don’t recommend saying, “God has someone special planned for your life.”  Only God knows if I, or anyone else, is meant to marry. There is something beautiful about marriage – but there is also beauty in being single. God may choose me, as well as others, to stay beautiful in our singleness.

4. Usually when cards are passed out in church settings or mailed to our house, the card is addressed to my parents…and me.  However, this year at Christmas time, my parents and I got a Christmas card from a new couple at our church.  The difference this time? This time I didn’t have to share with my parents.  The couple wrote me my own Christmas card!  Yes, I live with my parents right now.  Yes, I am single.  But giving me my own Christmas card?  This makes me feel valued and independent, and tells me that I don’t have to be attached to anyone else to be thought of in card or invitation settings.  I can’t even begin to tell you how happy getting my own Christmas card meant to me.  I encourage you to write a single person their own card - even if they live with their parents!  

There have also been times like when someone once wouldn’t give me a missionary’s prayer card paper to fill out – even at my request - as the person told me, “You don’t need one.  I already gave one to your dad.”  The service was still taking place, the missionaries were still speaking, and the other people sitting near me were distracted as they listened in on the conversation...and were baffled like myself.

Yes, I usually live with my parents.  But, I have been in and out of their house for about four years now – and at the time, I was preparing to leave for Germany.  The paper I wanted to fill out?  It was to write out my email address so I would be able to receive the missionary’s updates as they were sent out.  My email address is different from my mom’s, and is different from my dad’s.  I usually live with them – but I still live a life of my own as an adult.  I am independent.

While I know the person who refused to give me the paper and prayer card was probably trying to save a few trees, the situation did hurt.

5. This one is attached to number four.  If there has been big news shared with my parents, please don’t assume that they’ve told me.  Again, I do live with them, but I live my own life.  I go to school, help watch my cousin, hang out with my friends, and travel. If there is news that you want me to hear about – tell me and make sure I know.  I would love to hear the news as well as an opportunity to catch up with you! Please don’t rely on my parents to inform me.  They also live busy lives and may forget to tell me your news or information.

6. Don’t teach us, as singles, to wait for a spouse as though it’s the most important life event.  Teach us to live.   Yes, you should encourage abstinence of sex before marriage. However, teach us it’s okay to live in the moment…Teach us that our lives don’t revolve around meeting a potential life-time mate.

7.  Do encourage me – and other singles – to be confident and independent in who we are!  We are not defined by our relationship status.  Being single, we can have late nights with friends, have flexibility to travel, and have our own schedules.

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These are just a few observations I have made from my own life as a young, single woman.  I am sure that there are other single women (and men) who have made a similar list of their own.

Currently, I am single.  Maybe one day I’ll marry – maybe one day I won’t.  From my older teenage years until now, I have had my ups and downs with singleness and I am sure I’ll continue to have these moments.   But, I know it’s not just an issue for those who are single. Even people who are dating and people who are married have their ups and downs too in regards to their relationships, or what people from the outside say or do.

Please don’t think from this post that I am desperately seeking for someone to date – because I’m not.  In fact, I have a five-year “no man plan” in place (please feel free to click on the link!). Again, I do have my up and down moments and frustrations, but I’m embracing the single years…taking chances in doing things that may be more difficult for dating or married people to do – such as living in Germany for six months.

Single, dating, or married.  Life is a beautiful adventure – despite your relationship status.

The Travelin’ Chick,

Crystal