How light is too light??

This photo is from December, 2012.  Taken with a Nikon SLR in the middle of the day, with bright natural light.

This photo is from January 24th, 2014.  Taken with my iPhone 4, at night, with a filter, in-house lighting and shadows, along with no flash.  This is about 4-6 treatments later, after the photo above.

Last night I posted a photo (which I posted above) of me and my dad's dog - who decided to cuddle with me by crawling into my hoodie.  A few people messaged me and said, "Wow.  I can't even see your birthmark!!"

I can see why they say that.  I mean, I can still see it.  But I can tell it does look quite a bit lighter than usual in the specific photograph.  Funny thing (to me, anyways) is, my face is still healing from my most recent laser treatment from two weeks ago.  Certain spots are still darker than the usual shade of purple.

When you look at the photo, it does look a bit lighter than the other one I've have also included from a little over a year ago.  As people are messaging me, telling me that they can't see it, I remind them about the variables they have to consider…The lighting from the time it was taken, the camera being used, and filters that are offered when uploading mobile photos to Facebook.  If I was cold when a photo was taken, that too makes a difference as my face becomes an even darker shade of purple.  Overall, it much different than if you were to see me in person.

The most recent treatment was two weeks ago, and truth be told, the results of the birthmark becoming lighter aren't instant.  It can take up to six months for the difference to show from one treatment.  But, by month 6, I've probably had a total of three treatments within that time period - as it is recommended for me to have them every two months.

Anyways…All that to say…From the comments people have posted along side my photo on Facebook to the text messages I have received, I can't help but wonder…How much is too much?  How light is too light??

People always ask me if my intentions are to get rid of my birthmark.  The thing is - my birthmark will never go away, but in a sense, I can hide it better through the laser treatments.  Even if I had enough treatments to make it look completely invisible, I would still have to have an occasional "touch-up" appointment throughout the rest of my life as a Port Wine Stain birthmark can, and often will, darken with age.

When people ask me if I am intending to make it "go away", I always tell them that's not my purpose.  My main goal is to control birthmark from becoming darker than it already is.  In a way, I guess I just want my birthmark to be more subtle than it has been in the past.   It's not that I'm ashamed of my birthmark - because trust me - I'm not.  (You should hear the jokes I crack about it all the time!  And there are some perks to having the birthmark.  Maybe that should be a post for another day.)   I don't want the birthmark to be the first thing new people or strangers notice about me.  I'd rather them notice my personality, my eyes, my hair…or whatever…before taking notice to the birthmark.

As I receive texts or when I am told by classmates about how light my birthmark looks, it is encouraging!!  Sometimes I think the treatments are working, but am never fully sure since I see my face everyday.  It's refreshing to hear someone say that they, too, notice a difference and that I am not imagining it.  Hearing the comments help me know that the treatments aren't wasting my time.

But again, how light is too light??

I've always known that my birthmark has been a part of who I am.  While it is not my identity, it has played a big part in my life and becoming who I am.  It wasn't until tonight that I have realized how much my birthmark is a part of me.

Growing up, people often told me, "You wouldn't be Crystal without it!!"  I have always strongly disliked that statement.  I guess I probably felt as though people focused on my birthmark more than me, as a person, when they made those kinds of comments - as they were usually said to me randomly, with the commenter bringing the topic up on their own.  Usually I'd respond with, "That's not true.  I'd still be me!"  Now that I'm older, I can see that they are right in more ways than I realized at the time.  It has taught me so many lessons through such unique experiences that have been responsible for creating the person I have turned into being.

Not only that, but if I lighten it too much, how will I be able to teach others??  If it looks invisible to the untrained eye and I were to tell others about it, would people roll their eyes, shut their ears, and say, "Yeah.  Right.  You had a birthmark covering nearly half your face…As if I'm going to believe that!"??  Will I miss out on a special opportunity to educate others in a way that many cannot?

When people see my birthmark, people become curious and they listen.  People ask questions.  People are willing to learn.  (Well, not all people.  But this entry isn't about those people.)  I stand out and it has been a great conversation starter with strangers, creating opportunities for new friends to enter into my life.  

Through a person's reaction, comment, or questions (and they way they go about expressing them), I even get to see the side of people that most people may miss.  Sometimes I get to see a side that their family and friends don't see, a side that comes out when they feel uncomfortable or certain kind of curious.  It has taught me great skills in observing other people and their attitudes, tones, and reactions.

Without my birthmark, would I meet people as easily?  Would random people come up to talk to me as often as they do now??

If I change what makes me different from the crowd, can I still make as much of a difference in the world?  Will people still be willing to learn when they can't see the point of what I'm talking about??

I'm not really sure that I've made much of a difference with my birthmark…Although, sometimes I like to pretend that I've at least made a small impact through my life and through sharing my experiences, stories, and just by trying to educate others through my entries - or when I speak in classes at the elementary school where I work.  Even if I've impacted just one person, it may be a small difference in a very big world…But  just like a house is made with many bricks and bricks are made of many tiny pieces of sand molecules.  Without the sand, there'd be no brick.  Without the bricks, there would be no house…Every little difference matters!!…Right??

All this to say, once more, how much is too much?   How light is too light?   Ultimately, I know it's my decision…not my parent's, not a stranger's, not another person with the same birthmark in the same location, and not anyone from my Facebook friend list of 1,420 people.

It's a hard decision to make.  Do I want to go as far to look as "normal" as everyone else??  (Even if I have the birthmark lightened that much, I'll still have the asymmetrical facial features, such as my lip and nose  and I'll still have the Glaucoma for the rest of my life.)   I'm sure that would make my life a LOT easier if I did…Or, would I miss it if it were "gone"??  Do I want it to continue to be noticeable? 

Truthfully, right now I think I'd feel a little lost without it since it has been a big part of my life.  I guess that's when I can be thankful for the time it takes for treatments to take their course, so I can wing it and decide as I go along.  I also think that if I were making this decision as a child or as a young teenager, I wouldn't find the decision to be difficult at all.  I can honestly say that back then I didn't see the value in my difference.

There's a poem I remember writing and found a few minutes ago.  I wrote it in March of 2003.  I was 11-years-old and in the 6th grade.  My young-minded poem is very clear in my wishes.  I wasn't happy with my birthmark.  I didn't want it.  Here's what I wrote (and please keep in mind the age I was when I wrote it, and that poetry has never been my area of gifting!):

My Stain

They say they can see right through it, 

Even though it looks as if I have been hit

I have a birthmark on my face that's a Port Wine Stain,

Sometimes I wish it would go down the drain.

I use to have surgery,

But that just bugged me.

People stare,

But that's not rare.

Sometimes I'm made fun of,

I wish I could fly away like a dove.

I'm special in my own ways,

Even though there are tough days.

I have no fear,

Because I know people who care and are near.

They say they can see right through it,

Even though it looks as if I have been hit.

I don't recall why I wrote it or what made me feel the way I was feeling.  As an adult I don't remember being made fun of by peers as a child while at school - except for one time, when I was about 6 or 7.  Maybe a stranger stared at me too long the day I wrote it.  Maybe I overheard a rude comment, or again in my young mindset…maybe I thought that a specific 11-year-old boy would never like me with half an abnormally colored face.  It's also possible that I wrote this around the time when we realized the then-current laser machines weren't making a difference and that the recent treatments had been for nothing.  Or, maybe, I was just being 11 and wishing my difference away was the only way I knew how to cope.  I don't know.

I'm just glad that I didn't stay in the mindset that I held half a lifetime ago.  I'm not sure what made the change, or when the change occurred.  But it did change, and I am thankful.  

I can't help but wonder, "If my mindset hadn't changed, how would it of affected my mental development?  My personality?  And how my life has played out?  Would I still have chanced moving to London for half a year, or to a college in Nashville for a couple of semesters?  Would I be too shy to travel the world, struggling with a lack of self confidence, and be less adventurous?"

I can say that I still have tough days  having the birthmark.  When certain comments are made or there is a LOT of stares within one day, it can be overwhelming.  On certain days, I have certain questions and doubts. Now that I am older, though, I can laugh most things off.    I can find the humor in most situations.  I am able to see things from different perspectives and have realized that there is a deeper purpose for my birthmark than what I saw when I wrote the poem.  I've come to a point of much deeper acceptance and appreciation of who I am, as I am.

Today I calculated that I can have an estimated amount of 22 more treatments before I'm off my parents insurance in 3 1/2 years, making the total amount of treatments over 50 - probably right at the 60 mark.   Odds are, I'll still have the option to continue once I am on my own with health insurance.  

So...do I stop now?  Do I stop in 10 treatments?  15 treatments?  20??  Or do I keep going until it appears obsolete - or until the treatments stop making a difference?

I have no idea what I will do.  Not only are the treatments not very easy, as they can be painful, but thought process and decision making can sometimes be equally as difficult.

It just amazes me that it has taken me so long to realize how important my birthmark has been in my life and to realize how big of a role it has played in my character development.

These laser treatments are so much more than a medical procedure.  They are a hard decision to make, as I battle and weigh out the pros and cons internally. 

The Travelin' Chick,

Crystal  

PS: To show even more of a comparison:

This photo was taken in May of 2009 with a small hand-held camera, outside with natural light.

This photo is from September of 2009, in my dorm room, taken with my macintosh computer.  I didn't have any laser treatments at this point in my life and I was wearing makeup in both shots.  (I just had more eye make up on in the first photo.)  Yet, in this one, it looks darker than the one above.  It all has to do with the different variables - and even including if I was cold when the photo was taken as the birthmark darkens with cold weather (kind of like a mood ring!).

My "No Man Plan"

What is a “No Man Plan”?  This is my plan for the next five years of my life.  It includes the goals I have set for myself: Finish my time in Germany, get a job when returning to California, finish college with heavy semesters, (and possibly summer school), and buy a house when I graduate with my BA degree.  Oh, and not to mention: Leaving guys (or at least, guys in the romantic sense) out of the picture for the next five years.

Why would I want to leave guys and romance out of the next five years of my life?

In less than a month, I will be 22-years-old. Not only will my age be changing by one digit, but I’ll also be having my 22-year anniversary of being single.

I've mentioned this before - but for a review - just in case you haven't read the other entries: I have never been on a date.  I have never had an actual boyfriend.  I have never been kissed…All of which, is considered to be “weird” by American standards. 

Sometimes I look around at all my friend and at people my age.  Most people, by the age of 22, have already been on a date.  Many of my friends that are my age are now engaged, married, and/or already have children.  While I know I want to wait for the right guy and that I don’t want to settle for anything less then God’s plan, I still sometimes feel behind in the relationship world.  In fact, when I was 18-years-old, a 12-year-old told me that I should join a dating website like eHarmony.

While I have been blessed to avoid so much heartache that many American teen girls face by the age of 15 or 16, I haven’t been as lucky to completely avoid all heart aches – even in the midst of being single.

Although I have always been single, I have had feelings for a few guys that I have known.  Little did I know, before I started to have feelings for them, that these male friends in my life would one day be a new root in my of heartbreak. 

Let me introduce my friend Jason*.  He and I were really great friends.  We talked often about every topic under the sun.  Our families had a long history of friendships, and he and I became really good friends.  Things were going great between us, and honestly, I was getting mixed signals from him.  One minute I would be getting signals from him that he might have feelings in return, but the next minute I wouldn’t be sure.

I never told him how I felt about him (in fact, I’ve never told any guy I’ve been interested in that I had feelings for him)…so we always stayed completely on a friendship level.  As great as our friendship was, I guess I was deceived.  We were talking like normal one day, and then I never heard from him again.  I’m not sure if I did or said anything to upset him, or if he had something take place in his life that made him fall off the face of the planet.  I may never know why our friendship ended the way it did, but it was a hard heartache for me to recover from.

Then there is my friend Wesley*.  Boy, did I fall hard for Wesley!  We started as friends, and eventually I found myself head-over-heels for this guy.  I found my feelings for Wesley to be very inconvenient as I was content being single and more than content not having feelings for anyone.  In fact, I tried as hard as I could to get away from how I felt.  Once I discovered I had feelings for him, I prayed to God, “Lord…Please give Wesley one of three things: Bad breath, bad body odor, or a personality trait that I would consider as a big enough flaw to break my interest, but not big enough to prevent a good friendship from taking place.”

Well, Wesley brushed his teeth, was well groomed, and was a great guy.  We complimented one another in many ways and our friendship grew stronger…and my feelings for him grew with it.

Eventually Wesley found out that I had feelings for him – but not from me.  The whole thing is a long and private story – but he found out how I felt through someone else.   As it turns out, he doesn’t have feelings for me in return, but our friendship has been preserved as we still keep in touch on a regular basis.  While our friendship is still maintained, I would be lying to say that I wasn’t disappointed and would be lying if I told you my heart didn’t painfully break.

Not only can I tell you about the guys I have liked in the past, but I can tell you about other situations too….Like the time a guy named Bradley* texted me, telling me I should let him know when I would be in town so we could “get together”…And I’m not talking about getting together to watch a movie or to meet for coffee.  His text was a bit more crude and slang-filled then what I am willing to post on my blog.  (Or the way my mom would say it, “rude, crude, and socially unacceptable!”)  The guy showed interest in me, but only on a level that I am saving for marriage. 

While I didn’t have an interest in Bradley in a romantic way, my heart still broke.  My heart broke, realizing the lack of respect he had for me as a woman, but also himself.  I’m worth more then a one-night stand, and so is he.  I’m worth far more than what I felt degraded to by his one, simple, text message.

I have a few more stories about guy friends I have liked in the past, but I also have more stories that include a few Bradleys…but I won’t get into all of the stories I could share.  Sometimes, as a single woman, my heart breaks in other ways. 

While my heart has broken a little in each situation, I am thankful my heart has never broken beyond repair.  I am thankful that I haven’t had boyfriend after boyfriend, giving my heart away to the wrong guy(s).  I am thankful that I have avoided deeper heartbreaks that many girls go through several times by the time they are my age.

Although I am thankful, I’m not saying being single is easy.  Hence my “no man plan”.

My plan has been in place for about two months now.   While my plan doesn’t include dating or a relationship – I’m not saying I am completely against the idea of dating someone.  If it’s meant to happen, it is meant to happen.  What I am saying is: I’m not looking for something to happen.  Even with my plan in place, my desire truly is to one day meet a guy, fall in love, and to marry.  I’m also not going to say “no” to the possibility of a blessing from God just because I’m stubbornly holding onto a plan that may not be God’s plan.

In the past, I have desired to be in a relationship.  I think I desired it so much that I spent too much focusing on the idea of finding the right guy, waiting for a relationship to occur…all causing disappointment to take place when things didn’t work out the way I had hoped.

If a guy likes me in the next five years, so be it.  If he likes me – he can let me know.  I’m a bit old school I guess, but I believe it’s the guy’s job to pursue me, the female, and for him be the leader of a household.  I don’t want to develop special feelings for another guy, just to have him not like me back, causing a new dose of pain.  This time – I want a (decent and Godly) man to like ME, and to let me know on his own.  I’m not going to look for him…He can find me.  If he’s there, he’s there.  If he’s not, then he’s not.  (I sometimes wonder if a bus possibly hit him while he was on the way to find me…ha!)

Really, I guess I am trying to avoid unnecessary heartaches while using my single years to focus things that are here, now, and in front of me.  I can’t make my dream man magically appear in front of me, giving myself that perfect, romantic “happily ever after”.  In fact, I may never have a relationship to lead towards marital bliss…but I can focus on becoming a better person, God’s plan, friendships,  relationships with family, and other dreams that I can make come true.

God knows the desires of my heart…but more than that, He knows the plans He has for my life.  Single or one day married – life will be a great adventure with God in control.  While it won’t always be easy, I no longer want to take for granted the joys of being single.

Here’s to a successful, upcoming, busy five years.  

The Travelin’ Chick,

Crystal

****** Names of all of the guys I have mentioned in this entry have been changed for privacy for myself, and for them as well.  

Challenges for Singles (In a Couple's World)

I know that the world doesn’t revolve around couples.  There are singles from all walks of life - by choice, by fate, or even by tragedy.

Like I’ve mentioned in a former blog post – I’ve been single all my life.  I’ve never been on a date, had a boyfriend, and I have yet to experienced my first kiss. 

Kenneth is to the right, I am in the middle.  Sadly, I don't
remember the girl to the right.

Okay, scratch that.  I did have a boyfriend in kindergarten.   His name was Kenneth, and he had red hair and freckles.  He even built me a birdhouse with his dad.  Once, he even gave me a haircut...One that may have needed correcting by a professional. However, as time went on, we realized that we were both too young to know what we wanted in a relationship...So…We ended it. We ended the relationship, and all other boyfriend experiences ceased to ever exist.

In the past, (especially in high school) I have desired to have the experience of going on dates and having a (real) boyfriend.  Living in a world where movies and TV shows make dating and relationships easy to find, it seems as though finding a date should be as easy- if not easier - than counting to 10.  However, the older I get, the more I realize that Hollywood gives false expectations to young girls.  Also, the older I get, the happier I am that I have avoided certain heartbreaks and awkward ex-boyfriend situations that many girls have gone through.

But now I am 21-years-old, and less than a month from turning 22.   I would be lying to you if I told you no longer had desires to have a relationship and deeper friendship with a guy.  The thing is…I do desire to have a relationship.  I think that’s normal for women my age – and any age across the timeline of life.

As time goes on, the more I realize the importance in the way I look at this desire. It’s okay to want a relationship.  I just can’t let my life focus on the possibility of a future boyfriend or future husband.  I can’t live my life in the moments of waiting for something that may not be in God’s plans for my life…Waiting for that “special guy” to come my way, to make my life complete.

Finding a man to spend my life with will not make my life complete.  My life needs to be complete in my relationship with God and confidence in myself as person, and nothing else.  No man can complete me, just as I cannot make anyone else feel whole.  We can only compliment one another.

This all being said – I also can’t deny the struggle that I have felt in moments of singleness.  Moments when childhood friends get married and have kids, moments of big dinners filled with young couples – except me, the only single person in the room.  Or even worse…Moments hearing of people who take for granted the love and relationship that they have with their spouse, betraying the other person’s trust in a single moment of extreme stupidity.  (I find situations like this to be the most frustrating.  What I desire to have – what I pray for – others forget the blessing that they have, and take it for granted.)

For the first time in my life, in recent months I have not only known I am single – but I have felt single.  There is a huge difference in knowing something in comparison to feeling it.

Being single, I’ve had ups and downs.   Through my ups and downs – I have compiled a list.  A list for things from experiences that shouldn’t be said to someone who desires a relationship, and things that you can do to reinforce that it’s okay to be single.

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1. A few months ago I went to a wedding.  It, in fact, was my cousin’s wedding.  We’re the same age and grew up as best friends.  Over the years, our friendship has changed, but I’d still say we are close.  I know that if I need him – he’s there for me.  If he needs me, I am always here to help him.

As my cousin and his new wife were cutting their wedding cake – that was the moment when I realized he was truly married.  (Yes, even after the “I do” and “You may kiss the bride” part.)  It was a moment when I realized that my cousin, my childhood partner in crime, was now grown up enough to be committed to another for life.  I was getting a little choked up when someone next to me jokingly said, “So, Crystal, when are you getting married?”…Excuse me?!??

While I am sure this person was joking, I found it to be hurtful and insensitive…and not very funny.   The only ceremony I am focused on going through any day soon is my college graduation.

2. When a single woman (or man) tells you the desires of their heart, don’t respond with something like, “You’re only 21-years-old!”  My response to that statement is, “So what??  What does age have to do with it?”   My 20-year-old friend got married a week ago, and my 22-year-old friend will soon be a mom.

When this statement is said (and it has), it feels as though my feelings are being devalued …It feels as though my feelings aren’t something to be taken seriously, just because I am 21-years-old.  I am person…A person with feelings and dreams, and they are important – no matter my age.

3. In regards to number two…If someone is confiding to you about their feelings in wanting to one day find a significant other, I don’t recommend saying, “God has someone special planned for your life.”  Only God knows if I, or anyone else, is meant to marry. There is something beautiful about marriage – but there is also beauty in being single. God may choose me, as well as others, to stay beautiful in our singleness.

4. Usually when cards are passed out in church settings or mailed to our house, the card is addressed to my parents…and me.  However, this year at Christmas time, my parents and I got a Christmas card from a new couple at our church.  The difference this time? This time I didn’t have to share with my parents.  The couple wrote me my own Christmas card!  Yes, I live with my parents right now.  Yes, I am single.  But giving me my own Christmas card?  This makes me feel valued and independent, and tells me that I don’t have to be attached to anyone else to be thought of in card or invitation settings.  I can’t even begin to tell you how happy getting my own Christmas card meant to me.  I encourage you to write a single person their own card - even if they live with their parents!  

There have also been times like when someone once wouldn’t give me a missionary’s prayer card paper to fill out – even at my request - as the person told me, “You don’t need one.  I already gave one to your dad.”  The service was still taking place, the missionaries were still speaking, and the other people sitting near me were distracted as they listened in on the conversation...and were baffled like myself.

Yes, I usually live with my parents.  But, I have been in and out of their house for about four years now – and at the time, I was preparing to leave for Germany.  The paper I wanted to fill out?  It was to write out my email address so I would be able to receive the missionary’s updates as they were sent out.  My email address is different from my mom’s, and is different from my dad’s.  I usually live with them – but I still live a life of my own as an adult.  I am independent.

While I know the person who refused to give me the paper and prayer card was probably trying to save a few trees, the situation did hurt.

5. This one is attached to number four.  If there has been big news shared with my parents, please don’t assume that they’ve told me.  Again, I do live with them, but I live my own life.  I go to school, help watch my cousin, hang out with my friends, and travel. If there is news that you want me to hear about – tell me and make sure I know.  I would love to hear the news as well as an opportunity to catch up with you! Please don’t rely on my parents to inform me.  They also live busy lives and may forget to tell me your news or information.

6. Don’t teach us, as singles, to wait for a spouse as though it’s the most important life event.  Teach us to live.   Yes, you should encourage abstinence of sex before marriage. However, teach us it’s okay to live in the moment…Teach us that our lives don’t revolve around meeting a potential life-time mate.

7.  Do encourage me – and other singles – to be confident and independent in who we are!  We are not defined by our relationship status.  Being single, we can have late nights with friends, have flexibility to travel, and have our own schedules.

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These are just a few observations I have made from my own life as a young, single woman.  I am sure that there are other single women (and men) who have made a similar list of their own.

Currently, I am single.  Maybe one day I’ll marry – maybe one day I won’t.  From my older teenage years until now, I have had my ups and downs with singleness and I am sure I’ll continue to have these moments.   But, I know it’s not just an issue for those who are single. Even people who are dating and people who are married have their ups and downs too in regards to their relationships, or what people from the outside say or do.

Please don’t think from this post that I am desperately seeking for someone to date – because I’m not.  In fact, I have a five-year “no man plan” in place (please feel free to click on the link!). Again, I do have my up and down moments and frustrations, but I’m embracing the single years…taking chances in doing things that may be more difficult for dating or married people to do – such as living in Germany for six months.

Single, dating, or married.  Life is a beautiful adventure – despite your relationship status.

The Travelin’ Chick,

Crystal