My Cardboard Testimony (Blog Style)

Before you read the rest of this entry, please watch this video first:

Last month we had our California FWB Women's Retreat at the ECCO center in Oakhurst. Now, if you're a FWB California lady and you've never been to one of the annual retreats, you are missing out. It's a wonderful time to relax, laugh, meet others, bond with your church group, and become refreshed as you grow in God. This year's speaker was Amberly Neese. She is a wonderful lady full of humor and encouragement. (At the end of this blog I'll provide some links to her website and a youtube video.) It was a really good weekend.

During one of the services we watched a Cardboard Testimonies video. (There are many on Youtube and I couldn't remember which exact one we watched.) After we watched the video we were all handed an index card by the worship team. On one side we were suppose to write our testimony in a summary. On the other side we were suppose to write what God has done for us through our testimony...Just like what was done in this video. Once we finished writing we were suppose to hang our cards up along the room.

When handed this card I honestly had no idea what to write. Honestly, I still don't know what to write. I currently feel like there isn't just one or two sentences to describe what I had to write. I didn't need a piece of cardboard. I needed the whole cardboard box!!

While mine wasn't as "short and sweet" as other's that wrote their own, I think that's okay. The exercise was therapeutic for me. In my mind I've thought about life's ups and downs a lot. However, other then the occasional Facebook status update, I hadn't really written about what was occurring, my thoughts, feelings, and struggles.

I meant to pick up my card once the retreat was over. Instead I became busy and distracted with other things around me before leaving. This isn't exactly what my Cardboard (AKA: Index Card) had written on it as I can't remember exactly what I wrote, and I've also made some adjustments with some updates, but this is the basic summary of my testimony for the first side:

• My dad almost died in March from an infection, while being hospitalized for two weeks.
• Dad almost died again, was hospitalized again in May.
• We moved my sister and her husband across the country in June, to temporarily live with my parents and I, in expecting of their first child.
• My grandmother was diagnosed with her second battle of breast cancer in June.
• About one week later, while in Japan doing disaster relief work, my baby niece died and was born as a stillborn at 14 ounces. After coming home early for the visitation and burial service, I was able to hold her.
• A week later my sister (yes, the same one) had an emergency appendectomy.
• My youngest aunt found a lump and had to be tested for breast cancer. Found out she had a rare non-cancerous tumor that would need to be removed and have further testing for 100% confirmation. (There wasn't any cancer!)
• Found out a family member needs surgery for a physical issue.
• I, myself, became injured. Now needing surgery two months before going overseas. (Surgery has a one month healing time...But I just view this as a small speed-bump in comparison to this year.)
• Dad's health is still struggling.
• Been dealing with a lot of anger, some depression, and much fear. (While these three major things were a big personal battle for a few months, and a really big part of my life, I can now say they are less frequent. It has taken me a long time to admit to these feelings and battles, but do not want to deny that they have been in my life this year.)
• In the middle of the craziness I've been trying to raise $7,000 to serve overseas for 4 1/2 months in Germany and London. (I still have $5,700 to go...with less than a month and a half to raise the rest of this money.)

On the flip-side of my card, for the first time, I focused on what God had been doing. On what blessings God had given. This is what it said (again, updated to keep it current):

• God hasn't left my side once. He's stuck by me, never leaving.
• He's given me the gift of humor and laughter to find the funny moments in life.
• God has also given me an amazing family that is uniquely close and tight-knit to get through this storm together.
• Where God guides, He provides. He's showing me this in many ways.
• Friends from around the USA and world have been praying and encouraging my family.
• I've been replacing my anger, fears, and depression with happiness, trust, and joy!

What's on both sides of your card? Maybe you're like me. Maybe right now you're going through that storm and you just can't summarize the experience in a way that makes sense yet. Or, maybe you've just finished going through a storm that you can now summarize into one or two sentances that express your testimony.

The view I've always had in life is that life is like a puzzle. God is the only one who can see the preview on the cover of the box, and He is putting together a beautiful picture that only He can currently see or even fathom. Once in place, all the pieces come together with beautiful picture. (And we all know that a picture can easily say 1,000 words.) I truly do believe that through our pain and we will have a strong and beautiful story to tell. It's just in the writing phase.

Going through a storm is an interesting thing. Being in the storm we can sometimes only see the rain, pain, and heart ache that it brings our way. Yesterday my eyes were opened to a new perspective for my own personal storm.

While being in this storm I've only looked through my own eyes. As I visited with some local friends yesterday at a church I saw my life and current family situations through their eyes. What I've been seeing as painful, heart breaking, hard, and being full of fear, they saw as bravery and inspiring. To me this was at first a shock, but also a huge eye opener and encouragement. Never before had I thought, "What my family's continuing faith and story saying to other people?" (I've always said, "I wonder how God can one day use this?", never, "What is it saying to others right now?") Before this rough time in my family's lives I also never realized how truly blessed I am to have such an amazing family that is so tight-knit. I never realized the rarity in this. Within the last two months I've been told by at least five people what a unique family I have, which is another refreshing outside perspective.

What are you seeing in your current storms and struggles?? What positive things does your story say to those around you? Try looking at your situation from a new angle. I never realized how refreshing it could be to do so.

What is your story?

The Travelin' Chick,

Crystal

Romans 8:28

Amberly Neese's information:

Website: http://www.amberlyneese.com/

A Funny Youtube Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mecQl86eleY

Honesty

Here is an honest blog. Throughout the last few months, with everything that has been occurring in my family, I've had my up and down moments. I've been angry, jealous, mad, and I have been happy and at peace. I've been bubbly and I've been cranky. There are days with hope and excitement, and days that seem to have no end as they are filled with depression and tears.

One month from Wednesday I am suppose to be an aunt. The due date of my niece has swiftly come upon me. I don't know what the thoughts are of my family members. However, for me personally, November 5th is a day that I do not look forward to. It's a day I dread.

Instead of buying cute mini frilly little pink dresses and cute little rattles for my niece, about three months ago we pulled out our grown-up black dresses and ironed black suits. Instead of celebrating new life we mourned the premature death of Ashley, my niece. Instead of watching her sleep in her crib, we watched her being lowered into the ground in a tiny pink casket. (The smallest I have ever seen.)

We mourned the lose of a beautiful child and the lose of excitement and future dreams. As we mourned (and still do mourn), we mourn never being able to make eye contact, hear her laugh, or hold a verbal conversation with her. We mourned never getting to watch her grow up and bloom into a beautiful woman. I have personally mourned not being able to be that "cool aunt" that spoils her niece rotten...just to return her to her parents hyped up on sugar from the fresh batch of unbaked cookie dough.

Often I wonder if my feeling are normal. I'm not sure if it's normal to feel the way I do as an aunt of a precious child that now spends her time with God in Heaven. While knowing she's with our creator brings me a certain kind of peace in life, I still go through a lot of pain and heart ache. I'm not sure if it's normal to still have urges to go buy her toys and adorable clothes. I wasn't her mother, I am just her aunt. While I'm not her mother, my arms often long to hold her. Instead they feel empty. Some days are good for me emotionally and mentally, but some days are worse due to a random trigger of hearing her name in a crowd, seeing a dress I want to buy her, or even hearing about others with excitement of becoming an aunt or uncle.

There are have been many times that I have been sadden by the lack of being able to see Ashley grow up. I'll never get to teach her how to make an origami flower. My camera will never capture her moments of laughter, or moments of first steps or as she rides a bike for the first time. (For me it's extremely odd to have a niece and to have never snapped a photo of her and I often regret not doing so.) We won't get to talk about boys or about her first date. I won't be able to one day take her on a trip, or share my passion of traveling and missions.

When I feel like this I then try and remind myself, while we on earth have had the chance to live and experience many things...She is in Heaven experiencing something so much better that we still haven't had the chance to experience ourselves. She is able to sit at the throne of God praising Him with her every being in a way that we strive for here on earth. While her feet will never touch earth's soil, her heart will also never feel the pain that living on earth brings. She forever will have the complete peace and joy that only God can give her...The joy and peace that we often miss out on due to the complex design of life that sin has brought our way. And while she cannot travel to Japan or go on an Alaskan cruise, she sees true beauty. She sees what beauty was intended to be before the fall.

When my arms feel empty and the desire to hold her, I remind myself, "She's with God now." Ashley can literally walk and talk with God face to face. God can literally and physically hold her hand as they walk down the beautiful roads of Heaven. Whenever I feel the desire to give her a hug, I imagine God bending down to give her the sweetest of embraces - and this comforts me. One of the best feelings I have ever had in my life time is when my grandpa and I hold hands. His hands are so big and strong, yet soft and loving. I can't even imagine what physically holding God's hand or being hugged by him is like once in the pearly gates of Heaven.

While I remind myself that Ashley is in God's hands, I still struggle. Sometimes a lot, sometimes a little. Each day is different - as it's different for my sister, my mom, brother-in-law, and dad.

As we go through this experience we're all still trying to figure out the kinks and details of what it's like to be aunts, parents, and grandparents. What do I say when I'm asked if we have any nieces or nephews? What is the best response when asked if my mother and father have any grandchildren? While we are parents, aunts, and grandparents, it's still an awkward question that we often dread having to answer due to the complicated answer and pain it brings to our hearts. In my mind I often do wonder, "What is it like to be an aunt? What is like to hold the precious child and to watch them grow up?"

As I end this blog, let me leave you by saying that when I write what I write at times, I do not write in hopes to gain your sympathy. In fact...Sympathy is not what my family and I need. When I write what I write it is meant to let you know what's going on in my life. It's meant to help others going through similar situations. It is my prayer to be able to use my story to help others so they realize that they are not alone in what they go through. It's my hopes that it might help others realize that what they're going through is a normal process.

When you finish reading what I write and leave my blog all I ask that if God lays me or my family on your hearts, pray for my family. Pray for me...pray for my parents, my sister and brother-in-law, my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. (Or whomever the blog is about.) Pray for those who are unknown and going through similar situations.

Sincerely,

The Travelin' Chick,

Crystal