To the Nurse Who Thought I was Sleeping

To the nurse who thought I was sleeping,

"What happened to her face?" I heard you ask - and not in a friendly tone.

Even though I was still very groggy, I briefly opened my eyes.  I was still in the procedure room and your team had just adjusted me from my stomach and returned me to rest on my back.  The anesthesia I had been under was wearing off in a record time.

Closing my eyes, I thought, "Did I just dream the nurse's question?  I must have."  But it my gut, I knew it hadn't been a dream.  The question hadn't been created as a hallucination from the anesthesia that my brain and body were emerging from, and neither was my feeling of hurt.

The more I woke up, the more I was confident in what I heard you say...and the more it made me feel terrible.

As hospital staff parked my bed in a room in recovery, I asked my two anesthesiologists who accompanied me for confirmation, "Did I just hear one of the ladies in the procedure room ask what happened to my face, or did I dream that?"  Instantly the man responded, "Yep - you heard her correctly!"

"Oh," I told him, "You can tell her it's just a birthmark.  I don't mind people knowing what it is.  I actually write about my birthmark and story on my blog, and I am a public speaker on the issue."

Continuing in conversation with my anesthesiologists, it took all I had to not express my frustrations as I mentally processed the experience and tried to understand how exactly I was feeling.

Once my doctors finished checking on me and doing all that they had to do, they went and told my mom that she could come back to see me in recovery.  Just seconds after she entered the room she asked me, "What's wrong?  You're not acting like you, even the 'you' coming out of anesthesia.  What happened?"

I tried to brush it all aside and denied that anything was wrong - but mothers always know better...Especially my mom.  (You should meet her one day, she's pretty great!)

My heart felt heavy.  I felt frustrated.  I was hurt.  I was tired.

You may not know why I was in the hospital, why I was having a procedure done.  After all, you don't know me.  You don't know my story.  However, walking into the hospital that afternoon, I checked in to have a procedure done on my neck.  Two years ago I was in a car accident that injured my neck and shoulders.  The experience has been long and tiring. To help with the pain and symptoms I've been experiencing for the last couple of years, my doctor recommended that I have injections in my neck joints - six injections in total.  This procedure was (and still is) my new sense of hope to escape the ongoing pain.

Today, a week later, I finally talked directly to your manager.  We had a good, 45 minute, detailed discussion.  I told her that I was hurt, that I was frustrated...That I was there for my neck - not my face.  Your words, and the attitude in your tone, were not the first thing I wanted to hear after a painful procedure.  In fact, that's the last thing I wanted to hear.  She understood, and she was equally as disappointed in the situation.

My amazing mom.

Your manager then explained that she reviewed my file to figure out what happened, and to figured out it was you who made the comment, you asked the question.  (No worries - she didn't mention you by name.)  She explained to me that when I entered the room to have my procedure, I had one nurse that I met beforehand.  When the procedure was finished and I was prepping to leave the room, I had a different nurse due to a shift change...I had you.

You had no way to know that when they turned me from my stomach and onto my back that my face wouldn't be the norm.  According to your manager, since you switched mid procedure, you didn't see much about my file, nor were you informed about any medical conditions that I have.  You went in blind, without any "warning" about my face.

I'm guessing that you probably thought I was still asleep.  You probably thought that I wouldn't hear your words, I wouldn't remember them.  But I was awake...I do remember.

I guess it's also a possibility that you meant your question, "What happened to her face?" to translate to, "Is she okay?  Is she having some kind of reaction?"  But it didn't.  Not with your choice of words and tone infliction that you combined together.

Bluntly: It translated to an unprofessional, careless attitude, and sounded as though you were just being nosey.  Also? Your words have affected me.  They have hurt...But they inspire me.

You probably don't read my blog, for if you did, you wouldn't have asked the question that slipped through your lips.  You'd know my story, name, my face, my experiences.

I want to let you know that you're not the only one to choose the wrong words on occasion.  (Not to excuse what you said.)  Within just 1 1/2 years, and with other hospital employees in a variety of departments, I've been asked if my birthmark was face paint.  Another woman asked if my birthmark was an allergic reaction to the flu shot, and during a hospitalization, another nurse (while I was awake) rudely asked my attending nurse, "What happened to her face?!??"  When I started to react, she pretended like I wasn't awake and sitting in front of her when she continued to ask my attending nurse (still attitude infused), "Oh, is it something she's had for a while?"  She never addressed me.  She never talked to me.  I was invisible.

A few weeks later, during a time when I was incredibly sick, a receptionist recommended that I switch makeup brands so I can hide my birthmark better as, "it probably bothers other people more than it bothers you".  (You can read more about my experiences on my blog entries, It's Just a Birthmark!, Exchanging the Negative for the Positive, and Worth more than Gold.)

That's just the hospital setting alone, completely excluding my experiences at the dentist office, at college, online, and when I'm out with friends.

Knowing the words that have been said about me and to me while awake, I don't want to know what may be said about me behind closed doors - or when I'm asleep having my gallbladder removed or during a third ankle surgery.  I don't want to know what has been said when I'm not awake, the things I don't hear, what I don't remember.

Your words hurt, but they inspired me.  Your words refueled my desire to make sure that a change is made in health care services, regardless of the hospital and organization I'm in.  People (phyiscally different or not) should feel safe in a hospital setting...but lately, I don't.  After experiences like this, I'd be tempted to start wearing makeup to surgeries if I knew my doctor would allow it.

You'll probably see me again in your department in the weeks to come.  This time, I'll be there for a different reason.  I'll be there to talk about my story, to explain situations I've been in and why my experiences are not okay - and why.  But I won't just focus on the negative aspect.  I'll be teaching you and your coworkers better responses and friendlier ways to address certain issues.  I'll also be reminding you that I'm more than just another patient, I'm also human - just like you. And just like you, I have a story.  I have feelings.  I am more then whatever "happened to" my face.

Please know, though, that I don't remember who you are or what you look like.  I won't be there to target you or to make you feel awkward.  I won't single you out.  In fact, I don't even remember who you are.  Although I blog about my experiences, I probably wouldn't be able to recognize the people who created the experiences - even if I sat in a room with them.  I strive to remember the situations, the stories, the quotes - but work equally as hard to forget who said it.  Who said it doesn't matter, what was said does. Your ability to grow and learn matters even more.

You're not the first person to say hurtful words.  You're not the last.  But you can learn.  I can't change my appearance, but you can change the way you handle situations, your attitude, and the words you choose.  You can remember that all your patients are more than just an ID number waiting to be "serviced".  You can remember that patients aren't always asleep, regardless if their eyes are closed.

The Travelin' and Inspired Chick,
Crystal

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Do you work at a hospital and have an interest in having me come lead a sensitivity training at your organization? Let me help your organization's patients avoid similar experiences like the ones mentioned above.  Feel free to contact me!

You're a Walking Audiobook

Being born with a facial difference, I find myself in more interesting situations than normal - or at least, that's what I've been told by several family members and friends each time I share a new story.   About two or three years ago I found myself in one of my usual situation.  There were the typical rounds of staring, followed by the typical, awkward dialogue.

My mother, sister, and I were on one of our mother-daughter trips in Los Angles.  Since no mother-daughter trip is fully complete without some shopping, we decided to head to a mall near our hotel.

Before we fully stepped into one of the jewelry stores, the staring had already begun...This time by the store clerk.  As something shiny caught the eyes of both my sister and I, we found ourselves standing in front of one of the jewelry cases.  It only took seconds before the lady walked out from behind the counter and stood right next to me, briefly glancing at my sister to ask her if she could pull anything out for her to look at, quickly glancing back at me as she continued her staring.

I don't remember us trying anything on in that store that day (which is a rarity for three women in a jewelry store), but I do remember that lady never leaving my side - nor her wide-eyes ever leaving my face.  Eventually, as her eyes widened even more and her face broke my American comfort zone of personal space, and this is how the conversation took place...

Store Clerk: "What happened to your face??!?"
Me: "Oh, it's just a birthmark.  I was born with it."  (As I finished my statement and the lady's gawking continued, our mother-daughter trio picked up on each other's cues that it was time to leave.)
Store Clerk (still with her face just inches away from mine): "Ohhhhhhh...That must be an interesting story to tell!"
Me (while walking out the door): "Uh-huh...I guess so...Have a great night..."

Depending on the story and how the curious person treats me, combined with my internal dialogue's  witty sarcasm, I often walk away from situations telling my friends, "This is how I responded to the person...but this is how I wanted to respond!"

To replay my last response, this is how I responded: "Uh-huh...I guess so...Have a great night."

Yet, in that moment, when she told me, "...that must be an interesting story to tell", this is how I wanted to respond, "Yeah, sure.  It is super interesting.  I was born...the end."

Just to re-emphasis -  my internal, sarcastic responses aren't usually a 2 for 1 type of deal: "Share a comment or question about my birthmark, get sarcasm free!"  My sarcastic, internal dialogue is only reserved for very special experiences, such as ones like the one I've mentioned in this entry...ones that uncomfortably make me feel like a zoo animal on display.  As odd as it may sound to some, sarcasm and humor have been one of my many coping mechanisms when I find myself in hurtful situations in regards to my facial difference - and I keep my internal response (at least, until I'm away from a situation) to myself as I process the experience.

About a year ago I started to remember my high school years and having the opportunity to attend an amazing event called The Revolve Tour.  To summarize: The Revolve Tour  is/was a teen girl edition of Women of Faith (I think this event is no longer running).  During this two day even there were many different music artists performing, as well as many inspirational speakers.  Some of the performers and speakers that were a part of my two years attending this event were: Tammy Trent, Hawk Nelson, Group 1 Crew, Natalie Grant, Chad Eastham, and Jenna Lucado Bishop.  (There were more presenters than that, but those are the ones I remember most.)

Natalie Grant has always been a favorite music artist of mine and going to an event where she was singing and speaking was such a highlight of my high school years - and I got to do it TWICE.  While I had always known about her amazing musical talents, it wasn't until these events that I had the chance to hear her incredibly testimony...A testimony where she struggled to fulfill her desire to feel beautiful (starting after her boyfriend at the time made a comment about a woman pictured on a magazine), finding bulimia as her companion during her search of self-acceptance.  Finally, she found herself in a moment of realization that she shared with The 700 Club, "...I’ve never heard God speak audibly but the Holy Spirit speaks to us on the inside, and it’s like I felt him saying ‘My grace is enough. My grace is enough.’ And that Scripture began to transfer from my head to my heart. I remember looking at that toilet and going, 'I am kneeling to the wrong God. I’m kneeling to this god of myself because this is what I do to make myself feel better and to feel accepted, and to look a certain way'..."

After my second time attending this event, I left feeling inspired in more ways then one.  The variety of music was amazing and each testimony gave me goosebumps.  Yet in the midst of all this, after attending this event twice and hearing Natalie Grant's story, around the age of 16 I found myself thinking, "This is what I want to do.  I want to be a speaker, just like Tammy Trent and Natalie Grant."  Then, my thoughts continued, "...But I don't have a story to tell."  Before I realized it, my new-found dream was forgotten and buried with self doubt.

Although I do still keep my internal dialogue's sarcastic responses system on-call for special situations, I've come a long way since this interaction with this store clerk.  When the situation in that Los Angle store occurred, I was open about my birthmark and happy to answer any questions that came my way - but I wasn't nearly as excited about those opportunities as I am now.  At the time, I didn't see the beauty in the opportunities that I had when people verbally expressed their confusion or discomfort with me unique feature.  Throughout the last couple of years a lot has happened in my life and God has been doing a lot of work in both my life and heart.  He's helped me realize that although the way the lady treated me and her tone of voice were not okay, in the end, the lady's words were right.  I do have an interesting story to tell...It's probably just not one that she would expect in response to her question, "What happened to your face??!?"

Children who see my face for the first time will often ask me, "Did you color your face with...MARKERS?!??"  They become incredibly disappointed when I explain that I didn't, and that it's just a birthmark.  Yet, maybe their first assumption is actually correct.  (Bare with me!)

Maybe, in a sense, my birthmark is like a marker...Like a highlighter to a page, my birthmark is permanently drawing attention to my face.  Like many eyes that are drawn to read a highlighted line in a book, many people stop and ask me about my permanently, purple tone, highlighting the left side of my face.  I'm asked many question, often being asked my story in a roundabout way.  I guess I'm the equivalent to being a highlighted, living audiobook - but the main story goes so much deeper than the walking, audiobook cover that the world sees.  The main story within my chapters is not nearly as much about me as it is about Christ and the unconditional love that He holds for me - and anyone who is willing to accept the gift He has to offer the world.

As I continue to grow in Christ every day, I continue to dream new dreams - literally and figuratively.  Last night, for example, I had a dream where I was in some kind of meeting with a bunch of people, including Toby Mac​.  After telling him something along the lines of, "I enjoy the status updates you post on Facebook", he and I somehow ended up in an in-depth conversation talking about our dreams and stories.  In addition, in the last two months I've had at least 7 dreams (no, I'm not kidding) where, each time, I have the honor of somehow bumping into Natalie Grant​.  Each meeting resulting with me asking her, "Can I share my story - my testimony - with you?"  Each time she joyfully tells me that she'd love to chat as we go and sit down at a local Jamba Juice (or something) to talk.

I really have no idea where this Toby Mac dream came from (maybe because his song, "Beyond Me" has become one of my life theme-songs lately?).  However, now that I'm chasing after my temporarily forgotten dream of being a speaker, new God-sized dreams have been forming in my heart during the last year or so.

This was taken at one of the Revolve Tours
where I had the opportunity to meet Natalie Grant.

One of my "God-sized dreams" includes being able to re-meet Natalie Grant, have the ability to tell her the impact she has had in my life while telling her what God is doing in and with my life since her influence first took root in my heart, and to share the stage with her.  Lately I have literally been dreaming about my dreams - and each time they feel so incredibly real. I don't know if all these dreams are just my brain's way of helping me keep my dream alive, telling me, "this dream means something to you", or if it's God's way of saying, "Keep striving/praying for this dream I've put in front of you - it's there for a reason!!"  (I've also always dreamt about speaking for the Revolve Tour or for the Women of Faith conference - since the Revolve Tour is no longer running.)

Although she doesn't know it (yet), by following God's guidance and by sharing her story with a stadium filled with thousands of teen girls, God was able to use Natalie's words to inspire me to dream a dream that is becoming a part of my reality several years later.  Just the thought of being able to share the stage and work along side someone who helped inspire me in such a powerful way just brings me such joy - especially since both of us have chapter in our stories with the common theme of true beauty.  One day I hope to have the chance to inspire someone else to dream, just like she inspired me.

I have a lengthy list of God-sized dreams and I'm going to keep praying and dreaming new dreams...Because with God, they have an endless potential of becoming a reality.  And whether they stay a God-sized dream or if they become a God-sized reality, I will never let self doubt bury my dream, or more importantly, my story, ever again. Not only did God give me a story to tell just by being born with my purple, highlighted, left cheek, He gave me an even greater story to tell just by loving me.  He made me an a living audiobook.

We're all walking audiobooks.  Whether it be through your words or actions, what story do you tell others?....What story do you want to tell?  What dreams do you want to become a reality?

The Travelin' Chick,
Crystal

Through the Broken Pieces I Shine

Can I just say it's tricky and confusing sometimes to have both a hurt ankle in a cast/boot AND a purplish facial birthmark??

Let me explain.

Currently I'm in a walking boot and have been on and off crutches for a few months.  Last month I was leading a seminar at a youth camp and at some point during camp a junior high student asked me, "What happened to you??"  I told him, "Oh, I just hurt my ankle.  I kind of broke it a little."  The kid looked SO confused...And then I realized he was asking about my face.

For a few moments I totally forgot about my birthmark.

I find the story to be funny, but truthfully: it was a good feeling to realize I had forgotten about it.

A couple of weeks before this took place, someone else asked me the same question.  That time I automatically assumed they were talking about my face, I told them, "Oh, it's just a birthmark."  The person looked at me with, yet another, scrunched up forehead and responded, "No...I mean, what happened to your ankle??"

In the past I often forgot about my birthmark until someone reminded me with their stares or comments, or unless I looked into the mirror and saw it.  I rarely put much thought into my difference until I am put into situations that give me no choice but to think about it.  Even then I'd laugh through many situations, tell the story a few times, possibly blog about it, and then forget.  However, since my picture went viral unintentionally with the text "1 like = beautiful", I have constantly remembered my birthmark.  It has been impossible to forget it during the last 6 months or so.

I don't know why my picture going viral has affected me the way it has, affecting me more than the almost-daily experiences I have in my real life, versus my digital one.  I'm still trying to figure that out.  Maybe it's because for once, I actually and literally saw myself through someone else's eyes through a form of a meme - or, at least, my interpretation of how I thought the meme creator saw me...Not to mention the 20,000+ comments from strangers that I read from around the world.  I'm guessing that seeing myself through 20,000+ eyes in one go added up and impacted me more than I anticipated, even if I pretended that it didn't.  Until this had happened I never realized how different I must truly look to the outside world.

You see, I've always known I was different - but for the first time I felt different...and it didn't feel very good.  For the first time I felt truly uncomfortable in my own skin, catching myself looking down towards the ground more than I care to admit in response to my temporarily depleted source of confidence.

Forgetting about my facial difference was like a fresh breath of air.  It was nice to forget about my birthmark because that made me realize that I'm finally healing from the whole ordeal and from the painful emotions I've gone through since.  Although 6 months have passed, I can't deny that I'm still affected.

I still hurt, but the pain isn't as sharp as it once was.  I still have things I need to work through, but I've been making progress.  Through this experience, I've questioned many things I've never questioned before - some things that are good to question, others are questions I've never wanted to ask and never thought I would...yet, slowly but surely, I'm finding and discovering much needed answers.  I've been broken, but with the help of friends, family, and God, I'm being put back together again.

Last week I read a quote on Pinterest that is currently on my top 10 of my favorite quotes:

"It's okay to be a glow stick.  Sometimes we need to break before we shine." - Author Unknown

In the midst of this breaking experience I received many encouraging emails and comments.  One that has really stuck with me.  I can't remember who said it to me, but paraphrasing what they said, they basically  told me that it's okay to be broken.  When we're broken, God's light often shows through the cracks even brighter than before, and that's a beautiful thing.

I've been broken.  Let's face it - I was shattered, crying the "ugly cry" more times in 6 months than I had cried in all my life...But you know what??  God is good.  God is a healer.  He has given and shown me a source of strength I never knew I had.  God has even provided more encouragement support than I could have ever anticipated from family, friends, and strangers around the world (seriously, I've been in awe).

God has continuously reminded me of my worth, even when my human perception of that hasn't been clear on what my worth is in those darkest of moments.  He even gave my friend a song for me, helping me see myself through my Father's eyes again when my vision went blurry and I struggled to only see myself through the eyes of thousands of strangers who don't even know me.  (I'm sure that's one of my most played iTune tracks as of yet!)

But on top of all that??  God has also provided opportunities to tell my story and it's evident that He has even more up His sleeve - that this is just the beginning!!  I've had chances to speak at a youth camp (which was one of my God-sized dreams!), write for magazines, and I'm even headed to Chicago in April in hopes of using my story for His glory. He's been able to use my story of brokenness to shine through to others to remind them of their true worth, their true value.

I realize I wrote my initial entry about the incident months ago, and that was basically all I've published here on my blog since late August.  Some of you may be thinking, "It's about time you wrote an update on this situation here on your blog!" During the last several months I tried to write something, but I couldn't.  I can't even tell you how many drafts I started but didn't get past a paragraph, let along a sentence or two.

Truthfully, I actually had many moments where I came extremely close to deleting my blog and all forms of social media I had ever signed up for, but didn't thanks to the encouragement of some mentors.  I also realized that if I were to do that, my main platform in which I could tell my story would be gone.  Not only that, but if I deleted my blog, Facebook, and Twitter, the situation and what happened wouldn't disappear.  I would only be ignoring and hiding from it, and nothing good would ever come from that.

Looking back, I think I just needed some distance from the situation before I publicly tackled it more in-depth, beyond the first entry and other entries that touched on my thankfulness for the support people have offered and given.  I needed distance because I needed to have a better glimpse at the puzzle God was putting together, to see a small glimpse of the beauty He had in store...To see how He would shine through the brokenness.  At this point I know I've only seen a glimpse of the picture He's putting together with the puzzle pieces,  I just have no idea how He plans to put it together or what the full timeline looks like.  And that's okay.

Being broken usually isn't the most desired experience.  It's hard.  It's messy.  It typically involves a lot of pain and tears.  Sometimes, though, when you gain some distance from a situation and when you stay willing to be used (even in the moments when you feel too broken to be used), being broken can be one of the most beautiful experiences with the most beautiful, unexpected, results.

And you know what?  Now that I've gained some distance and have looked down the road, I realize that although I've had many opportunities, in the midst of all the chaos and doubt, I never desired to be in anyone else.  I never thought, "If only I had a 'normal' face, life would be better!!"  I never regretted God's allowance of my unique feature.  I may have gone through some great times of darkness and questioning, but God never let me go there.  I never doubted the way that I was born, I never doubted that this is who I am suppose to be...and that's pretty cool.

The exciting part of it all??  I know I have only seen a glimpse of what God has in store.  Deep down, I know there are more beautiful things to come, but all I really want to do is shine for Him.

Even through the pain, I'm thankful that he has picked me to play a part in this story. I'm thankful for the Light that helps me shine.

The Broken, Yet Brightly Shining, Travelin' Chick,
Crystal

PS: Just to keep you, my readers, on your toes...There are some behind the scenes type of things that have been playing out.  I mean, majorly unexpected things.  I'm hoping this will/can be something that I can write about soon, but I'm going to wait until things are more confirmed.  Please be in prayer for the story that continues to unfold.  Recently I was talking to someone about what may be in development and they told me, "Wow.  Here I was thinking that you were at the end of this story in your life, but really, it sounds like you're possibly in the middle!"  And if it turns out that I am in the middle??  It will be an incredibly beautiful plot twist I can't wait to share with you all.