My Battle with the Boogie Man

Have you ever been afraid of the dark?  Or cried out to your parents, with a trembling voice, in the middle of the night, "The boogie man is under my bed!"

Parents know there's no such thing as the boogie man.  Yet, like a knight in shining armor, they run into your room, turn on your light, and check your closet and underneath your bed.

In the last year, I've struggled with an adult version of the boogie man.

To give a little background: I've had migraines since the age of six.

I remember my very first one, actually.  It was so severe and three-fourths of a life-time ago that some of it's a blur, but I remember it.  My head was throbbing, feeling like a man was in my head, using my brain as a punching bag for his boxing practice.  Mom was worried.  An icepack sat upon my head, and any time I tried to lift it off the pillow, the excruciating pain intensified...And I cried.  A lot.

After my first migraine, I got them enough to have a special prescription to help with the pain, but
only needed to take that about once every 4-6 months...Although, because I got them so young and would talk about them as a child, I remember many people thought I was just exaggerating regular and simple headaches.

In 24-years, I've seen a few doctor's on the subject, ranging from a neurologist (brain doctor), geneticist (genetics doctor), and a Sturge Weber Syndrome specialist (also known as SWS - but we'll get to that in a minute).

All have told me that while some children get migraines, it's rare for a history of migraines to start in 6-year-olds...Even for someone like me, whose family has a background in the area of migraines.

As an adult, and because I'm no longer a bald baby,
people can't see the side profile outline of my birthmark.
I'm glad my parents took this photo, which is a great visual.
And wowzers.  Can I just point out how much lighter
my birthmark has gotten since my infant years, and
after 50 laser treatments?

There's a topic I haven't written much about.  Most of you know that I've written about my journey with a vascular facial birthmark, a port wine stain.  (I'm also in the the process of writing a book, so stay tuned for more information.)  Depending on how long you've been a reader of mine, you may or may not know that my birthmark is way more than a skin pigmentation condition.  It's caused by extra blood chillin' in some of my blood vessels.  And depending on a case-by-case scenario, the depth of this "birthmark" varies.  (Birthmark in quotes because there is way more to a port wine stain than meets the eye.)

In my case, it does affect the coloring of the left side of my face.  However, it goes much deeper than that.  It's in my left ear, in my left nostril, on the left side of my gums, and on the roof of my mouth (once again, only on the left side).  It also goes all the way to my brain, and affects my (left) eye.  While I've had migraines since the age of six, I was diagnosed with glaucoma at the age of eight.  Since then, I've had to use eye drops twice a day, doing my best to keep the pressure in my eye stabilized so I don't go blind.  (By the time they realized I had glaucoma, I had already lost a little bit of vision - but "not enough to tell".)

Not everyone's facial birthmark reaches their brain.  From my understanding, when it does reach the brain and affects the eye, that means that the gene that causes the port wine stain started to mutate sooner than those who don't have an underlying condition.  When it does affect the eye and/or the brain, however, that child is known to have a second condition - SWS.

But here's the thing...I have SWS.  I've just never spent much time writing about the condition because it freaks. me. out.  My doctors were confident I had it since I expereince migraines and my eye is affected, but they weren't 100% sure I had it.  It's a super rare condition and they pretty much (admittedly) know nothing about it.  (We'll get to that in a minute too.)  It wasn't until October that I saw a team of SWS specialists (for free) and got an official diagnoses, thanks to The Vascular Birthmarks Foundation and their annual conference.

Once I had the official diagnoses, and even though all my other doctors were only about 80% sure - my chart only said something along the lines of, "likely to have SWS" - just in case any new symptoms were to appear.  But with an official diagnoses by one of the best SWS specialists around?  I finally felt like I could claim it as my own, and I officially had the right to write about it.  (...Even though it still has taken me nearly 5 months to write about it on such level of depth.)

There's so little that is known, but the stuff that is known terrifies me.  Google SWS, and it's not light reading material.

Just like any condition, the severity level varies from person to person.  Some parents are told that their child will never walk or talk.  Many experience seizures, which in some cases, results in needed brain surgery.  Some have developmental delays of motor and cognitive skills.  Like myself, if the port wine stain touches the eye, they can develop glaucoma.  Many people with SWS experience migraines...And that's the just a small portion of the list of the stuff that is known.

While I have MRIs every couple of years to watch the blood vessels near my brain (and have done this since I was a small child), I didn't start having questions about my condition until a few years ago.  Once I had lengthy list, I went in to see my trusty neurologist.  This is how our conversation went:

Me: What's up, doc?  How are you?
Doctor: I'm great, how are you?
Me: I'm doing well, but I have a ton of SWS questions for you.
Doctor: Okay, what's up?
Me: Alright...Question number one! (*Insert whatever the question was.)
Doctor (with a deer-in-the-headlights look): I don't know the answer to that one...Truthfully, in all my years of practice, you're the only patient I've ever had who has SWS.  You probably know more about the condition than I ever will.
Me: Oh, okay.  Well, by chance, do you know the answer to this question?  (*Insert question two here.)
Doctor: ...(deer-in-the-headlights part two)...
Me: Oh, okay...Never mind.  Do you know of any neurologists who specialize in SWS, or have more understanding and knowledge on the topic?
Doctor: I'll find out for you.

...And that was about three years ago, and she's not yet told me of a SWS specialist within my healthcare's organization.  (Even my laser treatment doctor hasn't been able recommend one to me.  And I ask...a lot.)

Since my doctor didn't seem to have answers, I'd turn to Google for them instead.  But even then, there was only a 50/50 chance of finding my answers, so I stopped asking...Until May of last year, which was when my brain became a hot spot for migraines.

That month is a blur.  I just remember staying in bed for many of the days, my head under a pillow to block out the light, migraine medication by my side.  The migraine was a constant, month-long, torture, often buddy-systemed by blurred vision, weak muscles, and stomachaches.   (Fact: Did you know there is such thing as a "silent migraine"?  That means the sensation of the headache may not be felt, but the other symptoms such as blurred vision may be clearly present....See what I did there?  "Blurred vision may be clearly present"?  That was a terrible migraine joke, I know...Anyways, I've also experienced a silent migraine as well, ending me up in the ER when I was freaking out about my lack of ability to see correctly.)

I even had great sunglasses swag as a child.
(Go me!)

Sometimes with a migraine, I can function.  I may have to wear sunglasses inside, but I can pull it off.

But, after about two weeks, they progressed.  I started canceling on friends.  My weekends were spent in bed.  Church was missed.  And then I started missing a few days of work - which is when I knew I had lost control of all the pain, and my body.  Barely functioning with some cool sunglasses swag wasn't even on the table anymore...And my questions started to build up again.

During my recent appointments with the geneticist and SWS specialists, they all agreed, "While your family has a history of migraines, I'm confident this is your SWS as you started to get them at the age of six, which is not normal for a child that age."

Since May, I've found myself taking migraine medication 2-3 times a week, depending.  Sometimes it's more as a preventative measure when I feel one coming on, sometimes because it's the full, real deal.

And then this week happened.  Sunday I had a, "I can't lift my head up off the pillow without crying" migraine, and I just woke up to a similar one a few hours ago.  (I'm so glad the medication worked quickly today!)

Crying, I told God, "I don't like my brain.  Wait, strike that, I like the contents of my mind - I'm just really mad at the actual organ right now.  Oh, wait...Never mind.  You're God - you know what I mean."

Until tonight, I've thought, "SWS scares me.  It freaks me out"...But I don't think I had officially told that to God.

My assumed SWS migraine symptoms have drastically changed in the last year, and that scares me.  Seeing how that has changed, I can't help but wonder if anything else will change.  While most people start having seizures as young children, there have been cases where SWS patients develop them as adults, some in their 50's...And that's my biggest SWS fear.

In the last year I've bounced back and forth between two different "Why me?" questions.

"Why me?  I can handle the birthmark.  I'm fine with that part.  But why do I have to struggle with migraines?" I ask in frustration.

"Why me?  Why, out of all the people with SWS that have seizures and other serious symptoms, do I only have migraines and glaucoma?  Why, for the most part, do I get to go out and live a life that many with SWS cannot?" I inquire out of curiosity and an odd sense of guilt.

Along with the occasional "why" questions, the fear questions are also triggered.

"Are seizures next?" I wonder.

"Will my migraines worsen?" I fear.

I've never been one to play the "if" game very often.  Not until this last year...And I don't like it.

Thinking back to my childhood, I don't remember being afraid of the dark.  I must have been afraid to some extent, though, as I remember falling asleep with the light on for many nights.  In fact, I think this was my first round playing the "if" game.

When I went to bed with the lights off, the room was dark...and in darkness, you can't see.  Where there use to be walls, there appears to be an endless amount of the unknown. What if I was thirsty, and couldn't find my water cup in the night?  What if I knocked my cup over during the search?  What if something scary lingered in my room, or in my closet?  There wasn't anything scary lingering around in the daytime or with the lights on, but what if that changed as the darkness crept in?

He is the Light in the darkness. (John 8:12)

And that's how my journey with SWS feels.  The light use to be on.  I knew I had an occasional migraine, I have glaucoma.  But when my symptoms began (and continue) to change, and the migraines started to come on a daily basis?   When I have a migraine for two weeks (or a month) straight?   The light is turned off and I can't see anything.  (Okay, strike that.  Some days it feels like I'm a house experiencing a power outage.)  I'm afraid of what might be lingering in the dark.  I'm afraid of the boogie man.

My life verse has been Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Throughout different seasons in my life, I've been clinging to this verse - just like my recent journey with SWS.

I don't know what my future holds, but whatever it is, my God is "bigger than the boogie man.  He's bigger than Godzilla or the monsters on TV.  Oh, God is bigger than the boogie man, and He's watching out for you and me."  (Veggie Tales, anyone?)

He also has a plan for my life, even if I never understand the full plan...And even if I never find the answers to my big "why me" questions.

What "boogie man" has been creeping into your life lately?  Have you told God of your fears?  Like my, "Dear God: I don't like my brain" prayer, have you told Him that you just flat-out don't like whatever your boogie man represents?

Like many, I've had different versions of the boogie man in the past, and I know I'll have more to come in the future...But here's the thing. God is listening, and He's waiting.  Our God is a big God.  He is Mighty and He is Able.

Go to Him, tell Him about your boogie man.  He's waiting to turn the light on.

The Travelin' Chick,
Crystal

Why I'm not 'Too Ugly for Love' or 'Undateable'

For many, it's a dream come true to hear from a casting agency inquiring if you're interested in a role on their TV show.  I guess it's a dream for me, too.  There are certain talk shows that I would LOVE to hear from and be a guest on.  It's on my God-sized dream board to appear on The Ellen Show and to participate on What Would You Do.

A couple of months ago, I did receive an inquiry from a casting agency for a reality TV show...but it wasn't a quite a dream come true.

To sum it up: A man in the UK saw my YouTube video and emailed me.  He asked if I was still living in the UK as he was looking to feature people on a reality TV show...People with "significant medical conditions" who were "looking for love".

When I inquired about the specific name of the show he was casting for, he avoided my question.  So, I went to Google and did my own research.

The casting agency that reached out to me works for two shows with the description he gave me:  Too Ugly for Love? and The Undateables.

I know a few people in the UK who enjoy the shows; however, a majority of the people from the UK that I've connected with are strongly opposed to them.  Having limited access to the shows,  I only want to focus on the titles...and I'll be honest -  I'm not fond of them.  Maybe the show helps educate others about different conditions by raising awareness.  But I still don't like the titles. There's a lot I could say about the titles of the shows, but that's not why I'm writing this blog entry.

Here's the thing - I'd rather focus on the positive.  I'd rather tell you why my facial birthmark doesn't make me too ugly for love, or undateable.

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So here's my list: 10 Reasons my Birthmark doesn't make Me 'Too Ugly for Love' or 'Undateable'

Big Ben

1. I have a unique perspective on life.  This comes from both my unique appearance and my experiences in life.  I know there is more than one way to look at a situation.  From firsthand experience, I know we shouldn't judge a book by it's cover - or a person by how they look.

Live, Love, Laugh - and take selfies with Flounder.

2. I know how to laugh.  I have a sense of humor.  I have to laugh, whether it be at myself or at a situation.  I know I can't take everything too seriously.  When someone asks if I painted my face with face paint, or a child asks if I got my birthmark from "eating a hamburger",  I laugh.  Laughing is such an important part of my life and I try to have a good laugh at least once a day.  Life would be too hard and complicated without those moments of laughter.  Sometimes (depending on what's happening in life) you have to search for those moments, but they're well worth it - and I can't wait to laugh with a significant other.

3. I'd add a bit of color to a man's life. (See what I did there?)  Not only will the purple hue on my face add in some color, but my life is never boring.  There is always a story to tell.

4. My family is amazing.  They've never treated me different because of my facial difference.  They still pushed me to do my best, they still tell me that I can do anything I put my mind to.  They encourage me to reach for the stars.  They've encouraged me to be proud of who I am, as I am.  When I laugh, they laugh.  When I cry, they cry.  They love me and they support me, no matter where I am in the world.

5. I (typically) have a lot of patience.  I get asked a lot of questions and I get stared at often.  It usually takes a lot to push me over the edge.  Sometimes I have to explain my birthmark and condition 20 times a day, sometimes I don't have to explain it a single time...Either way, I don't mind.

6. Life isn't always easy, and I get that.  I'm basically a pro at knowing how to persevere.  (Well, kind of.)  Life is hard.  It's not easy...But I never quit.  I never give up.  I may get knocked down on occasion, but I always get back up.  When the wind gets knocked out of me, I learn to breath again. The staring and the comments?  The medical procedures?  My image going viral?  All these things have had a part in teaching me to persevere with joy.  Life is a journey and we can all learn from both the good and bad times...and although it may take a lot of creativity and juicing practice, there's always a way to make lemonade out of lemons.

In March 2011 Japan experienced a tsunami.
That July I went to Japan to help with disaster relief efforts.

7. My heart is compassionate.  This kind of goes hand-in-hand with having a unique perspective in life.  I know what it's like to struggle, to go through a hardship - both because of my birthmark and general life experiences.  When I see others struggling, my heart breaks.  I'm still working on this skill set and I'm far from being perfect at it, but I always strive to find ways to encourage those around me.

8. I am one of a kind.  Birthmark or not, there is only one me.  I'm a California native, but traveler at heart.  I strive for the adventure of a local – seeing what they see, smelling what they smell, and tasting what they taste.  I’ve travelled to 11 different countries (living in two international lands) and am constantly receiving a new stamp in my new, yet beat-up, passport.  Baking is an addiction, but one I use to hopefully bring joy to someone’s day.  (Truffles are my specialty!)  I’m an author, speaker, and photographer.  I’m also bilingual, as I have been studying the visual language of American Sign Language.  (Although, I am trilingual if include sarcasm.  Like I mentioned above, humor is also a constant enjoyment in my life.)  Dreams are what I strive for  - and I don’t dream small.  I dream God-sized dreams, knowing that nothing is impossible and have a bucket list that is never ending.  I've even been pooped on by a dolphin.  No one else is 100% like me.  I'm the only Crystal Hodges in this world that fits my story.  I'm special, I'm unique.

9. When I date or marry - my boyfriend/husband won't be taken for granted.  I get that my birthmark isn't up every guy's alley, and that's okay.  Especially when it includes laser treatments every two months, rude comments, and constant stares.  When I was an infant and young child, my parents were constantly asked if they burned me, their child.  I know that other people close to me are affected by people's harsh comments and gawking.  Whoever I date/marry will probably have similar experiences themselves.  Whoever I marry (if I marry) - I know he's been worth the wait.

10. I'm confident.  I know who I am.  My birthmark doesn't define me.  I can wear makeup, or I can go without it.  I'm more than my physical shell.  I'm proud to be me - birthmark and all.  My journey has been a unique one, that's for sure, but I'm proud of who I have become.  I know I'm not perfect, I know I make mistakes...But I know I'm dateable.  I know I'm beautiful, both inside and out. Although I hope to continue to grow and become a better person, I wouldn't change who I am.  My life has been an adventure, and I know my journey has a lot of amazing things on the way.  

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I know that not everyone with a facial birthmark or facial difference will relate to my list.  Not everyone has such an awesome family, not everyone feels confident.  But this is my personal list.  This is how I've been molded throughout my experiences and my life.

After reading this blog entry, and if you're struggling (whether you have a facial difference or not), I hope you are encouraged to make you're own positive list as to why you're beautiful and/or dateable...because you are.  You are one of a kind.  You are a valuable.  You are a unique and beautiful person that is worthy of being loved.  You are especially valuable and worthy enough to love yourself.

Although the titles of the TV shows stung my heart momentarily, it is kind of cool to say that I was contacted by an agency to see if I would be interested in appearing on a TV series.  But more than that?  It shows me that if I can get the attention of an agency in the UK, maybe the talk shows in the USA will one day have the same interest...This experience reminded me that anything is possible.  I was encouraged to continue dreaming big dreams.

I was reminded that even though I am single, I am dateable.  I am beautifully and wonderfully made.

The Beautiful Travelin' Chick,
Crystal

Through the Broken Pieces I Shine

Can I just say it's tricky and confusing sometimes to have both a hurt ankle in a cast/boot AND a purplish facial birthmark??

Let me explain.

Currently I'm in a walking boot and have been on and off crutches for a few months.  Last month I was leading a seminar at a youth camp and at some point during camp a junior high student asked me, "What happened to you??"  I told him, "Oh, I just hurt my ankle.  I kind of broke it a little."  The kid looked SO confused...And then I realized he was asking about my face.

For a few moments I totally forgot about my birthmark.

I find the story to be funny, but truthfully: it was a good feeling to realize I had forgotten about it.

A couple of weeks before this took place, someone else asked me the same question.  That time I automatically assumed they were talking about my face, I told them, "Oh, it's just a birthmark."  The person looked at me with, yet another, scrunched up forehead and responded, "No...I mean, what happened to your ankle??"

In the past I often forgot about my birthmark until someone reminded me with their stares or comments, or unless I looked into the mirror and saw it.  I rarely put much thought into my difference until I am put into situations that give me no choice but to think about it.  Even then I'd laugh through many situations, tell the story a few times, possibly blog about it, and then forget.  However, since my picture went viral unintentionally with the text "1 like = beautiful", I have constantly remembered my birthmark.  It has been impossible to forget it during the last 6 months or so.

I don't know why my picture going viral has affected me the way it has, affecting me more than the almost-daily experiences I have in my real life, versus my digital one.  I'm still trying to figure that out.  Maybe it's because for once, I actually and literally saw myself through someone else's eyes through a form of a meme - or, at least, my interpretation of how I thought the meme creator saw me...Not to mention the 20,000+ comments from strangers that I read from around the world.  I'm guessing that seeing myself through 20,000+ eyes in one go added up and impacted me more than I anticipated, even if I pretended that it didn't.  Until this had happened I never realized how different I must truly look to the outside world.

You see, I've always known I was different - but for the first time I felt different...and it didn't feel very good.  For the first time I felt truly uncomfortable in my own skin, catching myself looking down towards the ground more than I care to admit in response to my temporarily depleted source of confidence.

Forgetting about my facial difference was like a fresh breath of air.  It was nice to forget about my birthmark because that made me realize that I'm finally healing from the whole ordeal and from the painful emotions I've gone through since.  Although 6 months have passed, I can't deny that I'm still affected.

I still hurt, but the pain isn't as sharp as it once was.  I still have things I need to work through, but I've been making progress.  Through this experience, I've questioned many things I've never questioned before - some things that are good to question, others are questions I've never wanted to ask and never thought I would...yet, slowly but surely, I'm finding and discovering much needed answers.  I've been broken, but with the help of friends, family, and God, I'm being put back together again.

Last week I read a quote on Pinterest that is currently on my top 10 of my favorite quotes:

"It's okay to be a glow stick.  Sometimes we need to break before we shine." - Author Unknown

In the midst of this breaking experience I received many encouraging emails and comments.  One that has really stuck with me.  I can't remember who said it to me, but paraphrasing what they said, they basically  told me that it's okay to be broken.  When we're broken, God's light often shows through the cracks even brighter than before, and that's a beautiful thing.

I've been broken.  Let's face it - I was shattered, crying the "ugly cry" more times in 6 months than I had cried in all my life...But you know what??  God is good.  God is a healer.  He has given and shown me a source of strength I never knew I had.  God has even provided more encouragement support than I could have ever anticipated from family, friends, and strangers around the world (seriously, I've been in awe).

God has continuously reminded me of my worth, even when my human perception of that hasn't been clear on what my worth is in those darkest of moments.  He even gave my friend a song for me, helping me see myself through my Father's eyes again when my vision went blurry and I struggled to only see myself through the eyes of thousands of strangers who don't even know me.  (I'm sure that's one of my most played iTune tracks as of yet!)

But on top of all that??  God has also provided opportunities to tell my story and it's evident that He has even more up His sleeve - that this is just the beginning!!  I've had chances to speak at a youth camp (which was one of my God-sized dreams!), write for magazines, and I'm even headed to Chicago in April in hopes of using my story for His glory. He's been able to use my story of brokenness to shine through to others to remind them of their true worth, their true value.

I realize I wrote my initial entry about the incident months ago, and that was basically all I've published here on my blog since late August.  Some of you may be thinking, "It's about time you wrote an update on this situation here on your blog!" During the last several months I tried to write something, but I couldn't.  I can't even tell you how many drafts I started but didn't get past a paragraph, let along a sentence or two.

Truthfully, I actually had many moments where I came extremely close to deleting my blog and all forms of social media I had ever signed up for, but didn't thanks to the encouragement of some mentors.  I also realized that if I were to do that, my main platform in which I could tell my story would be gone.  Not only that, but if I deleted my blog, Facebook, and Twitter, the situation and what happened wouldn't disappear.  I would only be ignoring and hiding from it, and nothing good would ever come from that.

Looking back, I think I just needed some distance from the situation before I publicly tackled it more in-depth, beyond the first entry and other entries that touched on my thankfulness for the support people have offered and given.  I needed distance because I needed to have a better glimpse at the puzzle God was putting together, to see a small glimpse of the beauty He had in store...To see how He would shine through the brokenness.  At this point I know I've only seen a glimpse of the picture He's putting together with the puzzle pieces,  I just have no idea how He plans to put it together or what the full timeline looks like.  And that's okay.

Being broken usually isn't the most desired experience.  It's hard.  It's messy.  It typically involves a lot of pain and tears.  Sometimes, though, when you gain some distance from a situation and when you stay willing to be used (even in the moments when you feel too broken to be used), being broken can be one of the most beautiful experiences with the most beautiful, unexpected, results.

And you know what?  Now that I've gained some distance and have looked down the road, I realize that although I've had many opportunities, in the midst of all the chaos and doubt, I never desired to be in anyone else.  I never thought, "If only I had a 'normal' face, life would be better!!"  I never regretted God's allowance of my unique feature.  I may have gone through some great times of darkness and questioning, but God never let me go there.  I never doubted the way that I was born, I never doubted that this is who I am suppose to be...and that's pretty cool.

The exciting part of it all??  I know I have only seen a glimpse of what God has in store.  Deep down, I know there are more beautiful things to come, but all I really want to do is shine for Him.

Even through the pain, I'm thankful that he has picked me to play a part in this story. I'm thankful for the Light that helps me shine.

The Broken, Yet Brightly Shining, Travelin' Chick,
Crystal

PS: Just to keep you, my readers, on your toes...There are some behind the scenes type of things that have been playing out.  I mean, majorly unexpected things.  I'm hoping this will/can be something that I can write about soon, but I'm going to wait until things are more confirmed.  Please be in prayer for the story that continues to unfold.  Recently I was talking to someone about what may be in development and they told me, "Wow.  Here I was thinking that you were at the end of this story in your life, but really, it sounds like you're possibly in the middle!"  And if it turns out that I am in the middle??  It will be an incredibly beautiful plot twist I can't wait to share with you all.

Wherever, Whenever!

If you know me, you know I love to travel. You know I enjoy seeing new cultures, tasting new flavors, and smelling new smells. To me it's not just seeing a new culture but experiencing it as well. It's about getting to know the people - regardless of our possible language barriers.

This blog will hopefully help me tell you about what's going on in my life, and more then just a Facebook status update's worth. My friend once wrote me an email titled, "Where is Waldo? I mean, where is Crystal?" This will hopefully also help other's know where I'm located at the current moment since we all know I move around a lot! (Is that an understatement??)

In the Spring of 2012 I'll be taking a new journey. I will be going to Germany for 10 days and London for 4 months, traveling with Operation Mobilization. While I'm there I'll be doing street ministries while taking pictures and writing about the experiences for OM. I've done a lot of traveling and have been on a few mission trips. Usually, however, they have only lasted a few weeks - not a few months.

I'm excited about this new opportunity. I have a lot of fundraising to do, but I know God will provide. Please pray for me as this journey continues on during the fundraising, time there, and the time of return to my home in California. As excited as I am, let me be honest. I am nervous. While I am nervous, it's a good kind of nervous. It's like the nervousness I felt when I found out I'd be going to FWBBC.

This experience will be different then any other that I've had in the past. I hope you all join me as I start down this road whether it be through reading this blog, checking out my pictures, praying, or financially supporting me. This is an exciting time for me and I would love to have you apart of whatever God brings my way.

As I start to prepare for London I think of the future. I can't help but wonder at times, "I wonder what God has for my future." I don't know what He has planned. I don't know if it includes being a full-time overseas missionary, or being a missionary here in my local community in California while taking the occasional short-term trip overseas. Maybe he'll just have me move to another state. I don't know if it will one day include being a wife and a mother. I don't know what type of job He'll one day bless me with. I don't know what stories God will give me to tell, or the people He'll have me one day cross paths with.

Basically: I don't know where God will lead. I don't know what is in store for my life. What I do know is that God loves me and He's going to guide me with every step. What I do know: Where He leads, I will follow...Whenever, wherever!! Life will have it's ups and downs and God will never let me go. God has created me to be who I am. He knows my gifts, talents, passion, weaknesses, and strengths. Knowing who I am as a person as a whole, He's going to use those talents and gifts and help me strengthen where I am weak.

Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

As I end my first blog entry, I hope you hop on this ride and become a continuos reader. This is going to be an exciting ride to be on. Thank you for your prayers and support!

Crystal - The Travelin' Chick