Stranger Reactions

This is right before the treatment
started...I know, I know...I got to
wear some pretty stylin' eye protectors.

This last Friday I was able to have another laser treatment on my birthmark.  Although I've had about 35 treatments, I'm always amazed to see how insecure they often make me feel.

I know to most people, my birthmark gives me a unique look that isn't very common.  People tell me this all the time by their stares alone.  However, I am use to my birthmark.  It's my normal.  Or, at least, it's my normal until I have a laser treatment...And then my confidence is out the window as insecurity and self-concious thoughts invade my mind.  After a treatment, I am very aware that I have a birthmark that covers half my face, both because of physical discomfort and the image I see when I look into a mirror.  I am also a lot more aware and sensitive to people's stares.

When I have my laser treatments, I try to spend the first two or three days hiding out in my house as my dark purple face covered in slimy Vaseline has time to heal.  If I had it my way, I wouldn't leave my house until my birthmark was back to it's normal coloring, or at least until I could wear makeup comfortably.

Fun fact: If you were to go with me to my
appointment, you are allowed to go back
with me and watch the treatment...which only
takes about 10 minutes.  Doesn't
my mom rock the look??

After a treatment, I avoid going into situations where I have to be around a lot of people.  The idea of going to school - or even to church - is something I dread...and will often skip if I can.  Usually I'm okay with smaller groups of people, but mostly small groups of very specific people that I am just about 100% comfortable with.  (If you saw me anytime before Monday, know I feel extremely comfortable with you!)  Also, if someone wants to take a picture or video with me in it - forget about it.  Except for my initial "here I am after my treatment photos", until my skin is back to normal, or until I can wear make up, I really try to avoid any visual recording devices.   

Even though I would love to hide out after my treatments, life apparently goes on and I don't always get to hide out.  I still have to go to school and I have to go to work. (Oh yeah! I got a job!  One that I love, by the way!  More on that in the next paragraph.)  So, I put on my big girl pants and attempt to wear a face of my normal level of confidence.  (Although, I'm not sure if confidence is what comes across to others, or if others see the opposite of my goal.)

Recently I was hired at a local elementary school.  I go every weekday, usually an hour each day, helping with monitoring children at their lunch time.  Before my treatment, some of the children asked me questions about it, but surprisingly - not very many.  

After each laser treatment I have, my birthmark is discolored.  It's a much darker purple, and doesn't really look too great.  Luckily this only lasts about a week or two, but I definitely get more questions after a treatment in comparison to when I look like my normal, unique, self.  Today, four days after my treatment, was no exception...Especially since I work with young children.

Today I got to work an extra hour at the school.  Within my two hours of working, I think I got asked more questions about my birthmark by all the children than what I think I've been asked during my whole life.  Being asked many questions, I hope I answered the kids clearly and in a way where they understood what I said, and I hope they felt comfortable enough to ask me all the questions they wanted to ask.  

It surprised me to notice one of my coworkers becoming so upset by the staring eyes and questions I received from the children.  I realize he's not use to other people's reactions like I am, as I saw the children as curious and he saw them as rude, but I am glad I was able to solve the mystery of some of the kid's curiosity.  (Granted, the children really were staring quite a bit and some were making exaggerated facial expressions...And although I'm use to a child's curiosity, questions, and staring, I'm not quite use to handling such a high volume of such curious children at one time.)

I was able to handle 252 laser pulses
this time around!  The laser was also set on a
higher setting in comparison to my previous
visit.

As a teacher brought her students to the cafeteria, they were also staring, making noises, faces of shock (some of horror), talking about me, or asking me questions directly.  The teacher took it upon herself to take charge of the situation, and very sweetly explained to her class, "This nice lady has a birthmark on her face. It's something she was born with and she is a very beautiful person with or without it.  You can ask her about it, but we don't need to stare or make noises.  Staring isn't a nice thing to do - as you guys wouldn't want to be stared at either."  I've never even met this specific teacher before, but I was very impressed, amazed, and thankful for the way she handled her class's reactions.  She allowed the children to be curious, but taught them to be curious in a kind way.  (Sadly, I didn't get a chance to thank her!)

Usually a conversation about my birthmark is started by a child asking me, "What is that on your face?  What happened?"  As I want people, children especially, to feel welcome to ask me about my difference, I try to answer the best way I can, "It's just a birthmark.  I was born with it and have had it since I was a baby.  Do you have a birthmark??"  Sometimes the child will tell me about their own birthmark, or about their sibling's birthmark - and then the conversation ends.  However, sometimes the conversations go a little further.

Here is a handful of the questions and comments I received this afternoon (most of these are from the 6 and 7 year olds I met):

• "Is that really a birthmark?"
• "Oh, I thought that was makeup or paint or something."
• "You were stung by a bee...Huh??"
• "Can I get one?!??!"  (And no - this question wasn't asked in a way indicating, "Is that contagious or something?"  It was asked with genuine indication that the child wanted to have one too.)
• "Did someone hit you?"
• "I saw this thing on TV that could help you."
• "It's too big."
• "Does it hurt?"
• "Will it ever go away?  Do you want it to go away?"
• "You were born with it????"  Then looking even more confused, the child continued, "Wait...You were a baby??"
• "Were you bit by a spider?"

Again, those are just a few examples of the many conversations I had today...Many of which left me laughing - a lot!  (Although, I must say, I think my favorite conversation from my day was when a 6 year old little girl offered me medical advice.)

Not only do my treatments bring questions and comments from children, but from adults as well.  Sometimes the questions are asked by strangers, some are asked by teachers, family members, or friends.  Here are some of the questions I've received this week from the older population, along with my answers or response:

• "How many treatments have you had?  How long have you had them?"
• On Friday we estimated that I've had about 35 treatments.  Possibly more.  I've had them since I was a baby.  I took about a 7 or 8 year break starting when I was 11 years old because the doctors started to have me stay awake for the treatments - and quite frankly - that's a bit scary and uncomfortable for such a young age.  In addition, the treatments weren't working as well as they had in the past, so it also wasn't worth continuing.  Now that I have continued having the laser surgeries, I can have them about every 8 weeks, but it can take up to 6 months to see the complete success of each treatment.
• "Are the treatments something that your parents persuade or pressure you to do?"
• I can easily answer this question with a no.  My parents do not persuade or pressure me to have these treatments in any way.  In fact, when I was 11 years old, I told my mom I wanted to stop the treatments.  She didn't fight me on the decision at all.  Her mindset has always been, "It's your body.  I'm not going to make you do something you don't want to do - especially if it's not a necessity."  When I chose to continue when I was about 18 or 19 years old, my parents were supportive once again.
• "I've had laser hair removal surgery."

• Sometimes I get this response and I think it's just because people feel awkward and don't know what to say to me.  That, or maybe people think it helps them relate to me or that we have something in common.  I've heard that laser hair removal surgery isn't comfortable either, but that's not exactly the same kind of surgery that I have to have for my birthmark and I don't think they quite compare...for more than one reason.
• "Do you get acne on your birthmark?"
• Twenty-two-years later, even my mom still has questions - as this one was from her.  Interestingly enough, I get a lot less on my birthmark in comparison to my "normal" skin and areas of my face.  
• "Does it hurt?"
• This is a question asked by all age groups.  My birthmark does not hurt.  The laser treatment and the first week or so after the treatment, however, does hurt and leave me feeling sore.  Sometimes I even feel sore inside my mouth from the treatment on my cheek.  My face will also start itching once it starts to heal - but I'm not allowed to scratch it for a while.  If I scratch, I risk the possibility of scaring my skin.
• "Do you have to have the treatments?  What's the purpose?"
• Technically, no, I don't need the treatments.  I have the treatments to lighten my birthmark. As I age, my birthmark will naturally become darker as time goes on.  The blood vessels that cause my birthmark are also at risk of becoming thicker, possibly causing my skin texture to change.  I'm trying to be proactive in controlling the color and keeping my skin texture as normal as possible.  My lips are also a bit uneven because of the birthmark.  If I have the treatments, this may help my lips become more even.  (Ironically, my uneven lips bother me way more than the birthmark ever has.)
• "Is the birthmark a genetic component; something that your children will likely have?"
• From research that I've read and what I have been told by doctors, they type of birthmark I have is not hereditary.  The type I have (a port wine stain) was recently found to be caused by a completely random gene mutation.  This discovery will hopefully open doors to newer and easier treatments, if not a possible cure.  To read more about the research, click here!

If any of you have any questions at all - please let me know!  Leave a comment here on my blog, or email me.  I will respond as best I can (as I don't always know all the answers myself) and as quickly as I can.  I don't mind questions that you may have for me.  It's okay to be curious, and okay to ask! :-)

The Travelin' Chick,

Crystal

My Heart's Song

Lately I've been in a funk.  I've been dealing with a hurting heart, feeling broken, discouraged, and all while taking the word "failure" as a descriptive word for my life.  To be slightly open - I've been in a little bit of a depression...A depression that makes it extremely easy for me to isolate myself from friends and to be very critical of myself.

Last week I went to youth camp with teens from church.  I didn't go up for the full week as a counselor like I usually do (partially due to the "funk" I'm in, but also because of pure exhaustion from traveling and the fact that school started just a few days after camp ends), but I did go up for a couple of the days to hang out with the group.

During one of the services that I was able to attend, the band leading worship led us in the song called, "Forever Reign".  The whole song is wonderful.  While I posted the video at the beginning of my blog, here are the lyrics - written by Hillsong:

You are good, You are good
When there's nothing good in me
You are love, You are love 
On display for all to see
You are light, You are light 
When the darkness closes in
You are hope, You are hope
You have covered all my sin

You are peace, You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true, You are true
Even in my wandering
You are joy, You are joy 
You're the reason that I sing
You are life, You are life, 
In You death has lost its sting

Oh, I’m running to Your arms, 
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

You are more, You are more
Than my words will ever say
You are Lord, You are Lord
All creation will proclaim
You are here, You are here
In Your presence I'm made whole
You are God, You are God
Of all else I'm letting go

Oh, I’m running to Your arms
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

My heart will sing 
no other Name
Jesus, Jesus

Oh, I’m running to Your arms
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

If you notice, I bolded one section of the lyrics.

While I pray, talk, and call out to God - I know that if I am honest to myself, my heart has been singing other names - not just the name of Jesus.  My heart has been broken.  Slowly, as I have been struggling, more and more I have allowed my heart to sing names that belong to Satan...Names such as failure, discouragement, fear, pain, sadness, hurt, and depression...and that's not even my full list.  These words (names) have been seasoning in my mind.  The longer I let them season, the more I have struggled.

Listening to the song, it hit me like a ton of bricks as to how much I have let Satan affect my heart, well being, and thought process.  I've let him affect how I think of myself instead of thinking of myself in terms of who God created me to be.

Instead of allowing my heart to sing names attached to Satan, I need to replace those names with names of Jesus.  Words of God.  Names such as, Healer, Protector,  and Comforter.  I need to allow my heart to sing lyrics of love, peace, joy, happiness, forgiveness, and acceptance...Lyrics of God's love in my life.  Lyrics that are true and beautiful - not false lies and ugly.

Granted, this is easier said than done.  I had this personal revelation a week ago and I am still struggling.

To those of you who are local, and to those of you who I interact with on a regular basis - I'm sorry if I seem distant or as though I am isolating myself.  A few friends have pointed out my recent tendencies of isolation, silence, and being distant...and I can't deny these patterns.  I've turned down social invitations, have been horrible at returning text messages and phone calls, and some of my few "public appearances" are brief and basic before I quickly leave.  I promise this is nothing personal or against any of you.  My mind is just a bit overwhelmed as I work through a lot of things, processing what it can - and I thank you for your love, kindness, and your patience.

I may not jump out of this bit of depression tomorrow.  I may not get of this funk next week.  What I do know is, I need to tune my heart to another tune with a new set of lyrics.

What song are you letting your heart sing?

The Travelin' Chick,

Crystal

PS: Please note that this is not a blog asking for sympathy.  Just a blog of honesty and a request for prayer, if I ever come to your mind in the coming days.

It Happened in a Pretzel Shop

It happened in a pretzel shop.

Once my plane landed back in Fresno, I hit the ground running.  Within about 12 hours of landing, I was already out having lunch with friends and having family dinners.  Within 36 hours, less than two days after arriving home from Germany, I went out shopping with my mom, sister, and aunt.

While we were out shopping, we went out to an outlet mall with all kinds of shops.  Famous Footwear, Claire's, Lane Bryant, Bath and Body Works, etc...There were many people around the stores that day, and I was able to understand every word being spoken around me by every person.  I was back in my English-speaking American culture after being away for two months!

Apparently, though, two months is all it takes to have the 'joy' of experiencing reverse culture shock.

My sister, mom, and I stuck together as my aunt went to another store that only she wanted to shop in.  We went into a couple of stores before heading into a pretzel shop that smelled deliciously tempting.

Once in the shop, I read the flavor options to my mom and sister.  Well, okay, I read the three or four that sounded good to me out of the 10 or so listed.

Asking my mom and sister which one they wanted to share, they both told me, "I don't know which one I want...you decide."  I insisted that they all sounded good to me so I wanted them to chose, and they also insisted that I make the decision.

That's when it happened.

In the middle of a pretzel shop my brain shut down.  I literally could not make a decision.  As tears threatened to spill out of my eyes, I became overwhelmed and firmly told my mom, "I can't make this decision. I need you to make it this time."

I couldn't get out of that pretzel shop quick enough.  My sister, mom, and I found a picnic table outside of the shop so we could sit down to enjoy our freshly baked treats...but my mind was still in overload as I gazed off into space.

My mom was asking me what was wrong, and I honestly don't recall what I told her in response.  Trying to avoid questions, I probably something like, "I'm fine - just tired and jet lagged."  I guess my sister couldn't quite hear what was being said, as she asked, "What??"

I'm usually pretty mellow.  Rarely do I snap - but for some reason, I did that day.  Before I could stop myself I couldn't help but snap out, "I don't want to talk about it!!"...As I stood up and walked away...and kept walking.  The tears that threatened to spill out of my eyes 10 minutes earlier had finally acted upon their threat.

At the table they were asking me questions about what was wrong.  When they called my phone after my "moment", they asked more questions.  I kept telling them I was fine.  After all, how would I be able to answer their questions about what had just taken place, when I didn't know the answers for myself?  All I knew was my mom and sister weren't the cause for my reaction...It wasn't their fault, and I felt awful for responding in the way that I did.

Even four days laters, I still don't know what came over me.  I've heard about this happening to missionaries after they spent 2-4 years overseas in other countries.  But, I've never heard of this happening to someone being gone for just two months.  Even after spending six months in London, England, I never had a moment like this.  Sure, I had other types of moments when I returned home from London - like realizing how many new songs were on the radio in just half a year or how many new slang terms were imbedded into the American vocabulary.  But nothing so...dramatically overwhelming.  (Granted, I do realize England is a different culture than Germany and my surroundings and experiences were completely different.)

For those of you wondering, "You were only in Germany two months?  I thought you were going to be there for six months?"  I realize I have confused a lot of people.  My plans changed and I chose to return home four months early.  That choice was not an easy one.  A part of me wonders if my moment in the pretzel shop was a result from my mind being completely overwhelmed from making many big and difficult decisions in the recent days and weeks, that it hit a point of being unable to make a small, simple, decision.

Who knows why I reacted the way I did, but here's to hoping that will be the only moment of its kind!

The Travelin' Chick,
Crystal

My "No Man Plan"

What is a “No Man Plan”?  This is my plan for the next five years of my life.  It includes the goals I have set for myself: Finish my time in Germany, get a job when returning to California, finish college with heavy semesters, (and possibly summer school), and buy a house when I graduate with my BA degree.  Oh, and not to mention: Leaving guys (or at least, guys in the romantic sense) out of the picture for the next five years.

Why would I want to leave guys and romance out of the next five years of my life?

In less than a month, I will be 22-years-old. Not only will my age be changing by one digit, but I’ll also be having my 22-year anniversary of being single.

I've mentioned this before - but for a review - just in case you haven't read the other entries: I have never been on a date.  I have never had an actual boyfriend.  I have never been kissed…All of which, is considered to be “weird” by American standards. 

Sometimes I look around at all my friend and at people my age.  Most people, by the age of 22, have already been on a date.  Many of my friends that are my age are now engaged, married, and/or already have children.  While I know I want to wait for the right guy and that I don’t want to settle for anything less then God’s plan, I still sometimes feel behind in the relationship world.  In fact, when I was 18-years-old, a 12-year-old told me that I should join a dating website like eHarmony.

While I have been blessed to avoid so much heartache that many American teen girls face by the age of 15 or 16, I haven’t been as lucky to completely avoid all heart aches – even in the midst of being single.

Although I have always been single, I have had feelings for a few guys that I have known.  Little did I know, before I started to have feelings for them, that these male friends in my life would one day be a new root in my of heartbreak. 

Let me introduce my friend Jason*.  He and I were really great friends.  We talked often about every topic under the sun.  Our families had a long history of friendships, and he and I became really good friends.  Things were going great between us, and honestly, I was getting mixed signals from him.  One minute I would be getting signals from him that he might have feelings in return, but the next minute I wouldn’t be sure.

I never told him how I felt about him (in fact, I’ve never told any guy I’ve been interested in that I had feelings for him)…so we always stayed completely on a friendship level.  As great as our friendship was, I guess I was deceived.  We were talking like normal one day, and then I never heard from him again.  I’m not sure if I did or said anything to upset him, or if he had something take place in his life that made him fall off the face of the planet.  I may never know why our friendship ended the way it did, but it was a hard heartache for me to recover from.

Then there is my friend Wesley*.  Boy, did I fall hard for Wesley!  We started as friends, and eventually I found myself head-over-heels for this guy.  I found my feelings for Wesley to be very inconvenient as I was content being single and more than content not having feelings for anyone.  In fact, I tried as hard as I could to get away from how I felt.  Once I discovered I had feelings for him, I prayed to God, “Lord…Please give Wesley one of three things: Bad breath, bad body odor, or a personality trait that I would consider as a big enough flaw to break my interest, but not big enough to prevent a good friendship from taking place.”

Well, Wesley brushed his teeth, was well groomed, and was a great guy.  We complimented one another in many ways and our friendship grew stronger…and my feelings for him grew with it.

Eventually Wesley found out that I had feelings for him – but not from me.  The whole thing is a long and private story – but he found out how I felt through someone else.   As it turns out, he doesn’t have feelings for me in return, but our friendship has been preserved as we still keep in touch on a regular basis.  While our friendship is still maintained, I would be lying to say that I wasn’t disappointed and would be lying if I told you my heart didn’t painfully break.

Not only can I tell you about the guys I have liked in the past, but I can tell you about other situations too….Like the time a guy named Bradley* texted me, telling me I should let him know when I would be in town so we could “get together”…And I’m not talking about getting together to watch a movie or to meet for coffee.  His text was a bit more crude and slang-filled then what I am willing to post on my blog.  (Or the way my mom would say it, “rude, crude, and socially unacceptable!”)  The guy showed interest in me, but only on a level that I am saving for marriage. 

While I didn’t have an interest in Bradley in a romantic way, my heart still broke.  My heart broke, realizing the lack of respect he had for me as a woman, but also himself.  I’m worth more then a one-night stand, and so is he.  I’m worth far more than what I felt degraded to by his one, simple, text message.

I have a few more stories about guy friends I have liked in the past, but I also have more stories that include a few Bradleys…but I won’t get into all of the stories I could share.  Sometimes, as a single woman, my heart breaks in other ways. 

While my heart has broken a little in each situation, I am thankful my heart has never broken beyond repair.  I am thankful that I haven’t had boyfriend after boyfriend, giving my heart away to the wrong guy(s).  I am thankful that I have avoided deeper heartbreaks that many girls go through several times by the time they are my age.

Although I am thankful, I’m not saying being single is easy.  Hence my “no man plan”.

My plan has been in place for about two months now.   While my plan doesn’t include dating or a relationship – I’m not saying I am completely against the idea of dating someone.  If it’s meant to happen, it is meant to happen.  What I am saying is: I’m not looking for something to happen.  Even with my plan in place, my desire truly is to one day meet a guy, fall in love, and to marry.  I’m also not going to say “no” to the possibility of a blessing from God just because I’m stubbornly holding onto a plan that may not be God’s plan.

In the past, I have desired to be in a relationship.  I think I desired it so much that I spent too much focusing on the idea of finding the right guy, waiting for a relationship to occur…all causing disappointment to take place when things didn’t work out the way I had hoped.

If a guy likes me in the next five years, so be it.  If he likes me – he can let me know.  I’m a bit old school I guess, but I believe it’s the guy’s job to pursue me, the female, and for him be the leader of a household.  I don’t want to develop special feelings for another guy, just to have him not like me back, causing a new dose of pain.  This time – I want a (decent and Godly) man to like ME, and to let me know on his own.  I’m not going to look for him…He can find me.  If he’s there, he’s there.  If he’s not, then he’s not.  (I sometimes wonder if a bus possibly hit him while he was on the way to find me…ha!)

Really, I guess I am trying to avoid unnecessary heartaches while using my single years to focus things that are here, now, and in front of me.  I can’t make my dream man magically appear in front of me, giving myself that perfect, romantic “happily ever after”.  In fact, I may never have a relationship to lead towards marital bliss…but I can focus on becoming a better person, God’s plan, friendships,  relationships with family, and other dreams that I can make come true.

God knows the desires of my heart…but more than that, He knows the plans He has for my life.  Single or one day married – life will be a great adventure with God in control.  While it won’t always be easy, I no longer want to take for granted the joys of being single.

Here’s to a successful, upcoming, busy five years.  

The Travelin’ Chick,

Crystal

****** Names of all of the guys I have mentioned in this entry have been changed for privacy for myself, and for them as well.  

Challenges for Singles (In a Couple's World)

I know that the world doesn’t revolve around couples.  There are singles from all walks of life - by choice, by fate, or even by tragedy.

Like I’ve mentioned in a former blog post – I’ve been single all my life.  I’ve never been on a date, had a boyfriend, and I have yet to experienced my first kiss. 

Kenneth is to the right, I am in the middle.  Sadly, I don't
remember the girl to the right.

Okay, scratch that.  I did have a boyfriend in kindergarten.   His name was Kenneth, and he had red hair and freckles.  He even built me a birdhouse with his dad.  Once, he even gave me a haircut...One that may have needed correcting by a professional. However, as time went on, we realized that we were both too young to know what we wanted in a relationship...So…We ended it. We ended the relationship, and all other boyfriend experiences ceased to ever exist.

In the past, (especially in high school) I have desired to have the experience of going on dates and having a (real) boyfriend.  Living in a world where movies and TV shows make dating and relationships easy to find, it seems as though finding a date should be as easy- if not easier - than counting to 10.  However, the older I get, the more I realize that Hollywood gives false expectations to young girls.  Also, the older I get, the happier I am that I have avoided certain heartbreaks and awkward ex-boyfriend situations that many girls have gone through.

But now I am 21-years-old, and less than a month from turning 22.   I would be lying to you if I told you no longer had desires to have a relationship and deeper friendship with a guy.  The thing is…I do desire to have a relationship.  I think that’s normal for women my age – and any age across the timeline of life.

As time goes on, the more I realize the importance in the way I look at this desire. It’s okay to want a relationship.  I just can’t let my life focus on the possibility of a future boyfriend or future husband.  I can’t live my life in the moments of waiting for something that may not be in God’s plans for my life…Waiting for that “special guy” to come my way, to make my life complete.

Finding a man to spend my life with will not make my life complete.  My life needs to be complete in my relationship with God and confidence in myself as person, and nothing else.  No man can complete me, just as I cannot make anyone else feel whole.  We can only compliment one another.

This all being said – I also can’t deny the struggle that I have felt in moments of singleness.  Moments when childhood friends get married and have kids, moments of big dinners filled with young couples – except me, the only single person in the room.  Or even worse…Moments hearing of people who take for granted the love and relationship that they have with their spouse, betraying the other person’s trust in a single moment of extreme stupidity.  (I find situations like this to be the most frustrating.  What I desire to have – what I pray for – others forget the blessing that they have, and take it for granted.)

For the first time in my life, in recent months I have not only known I am single – but I have felt single.  There is a huge difference in knowing something in comparison to feeling it.

Being single, I’ve had ups and downs.   Through my ups and downs – I have compiled a list.  A list for things from experiences that shouldn’t be said to someone who desires a relationship, and things that you can do to reinforce that it’s okay to be single.

------------------------------------------------------

1. A few months ago I went to a wedding.  It, in fact, was my cousin’s wedding.  We’re the same age and grew up as best friends.  Over the years, our friendship has changed, but I’d still say we are close.  I know that if I need him – he’s there for me.  If he needs me, I am always here to help him.

As my cousin and his new wife were cutting their wedding cake – that was the moment when I realized he was truly married.  (Yes, even after the “I do” and “You may kiss the bride” part.)  It was a moment when I realized that my cousin, my childhood partner in crime, was now grown up enough to be committed to another for life.  I was getting a little choked up when someone next to me jokingly said, “So, Crystal, when are you getting married?”…Excuse me?!??

While I am sure this person was joking, I found it to be hurtful and insensitive…and not very funny.   The only ceremony I am focused on going through any day soon is my college graduation.

2. When a single woman (or man) tells you the desires of their heart, don’t respond with something like, “You’re only 21-years-old!”  My response to that statement is, “So what??  What does age have to do with it?”   My 20-year-old friend got married a week ago, and my 22-year-old friend will soon be a mom.

When this statement is said (and it has), it feels as though my feelings are being devalued …It feels as though my feelings aren’t something to be taken seriously, just because I am 21-years-old.  I am person…A person with feelings and dreams, and they are important – no matter my age.

3. In regards to number two…If someone is confiding to you about their feelings in wanting to one day find a significant other, I don’t recommend saying, “God has someone special planned for your life.”  Only God knows if I, or anyone else, is meant to marry. There is something beautiful about marriage – but there is also beauty in being single. God may choose me, as well as others, to stay beautiful in our singleness.

4. Usually when cards are passed out in church settings or mailed to our house, the card is addressed to my parents…and me.  However, this year at Christmas time, my parents and I got a Christmas card from a new couple at our church.  The difference this time? This time I didn’t have to share with my parents.  The couple wrote me my own Christmas card!  Yes, I live with my parents right now.  Yes, I am single.  But giving me my own Christmas card?  This makes me feel valued and independent, and tells me that I don’t have to be attached to anyone else to be thought of in card or invitation settings.  I can’t even begin to tell you how happy getting my own Christmas card meant to me.  I encourage you to write a single person their own card - even if they live with their parents!  

There have also been times like when someone once wouldn’t give me a missionary’s prayer card paper to fill out – even at my request - as the person told me, “You don’t need one.  I already gave one to your dad.”  The service was still taking place, the missionaries were still speaking, and the other people sitting near me were distracted as they listened in on the conversation...and were baffled like myself.

Yes, I usually live with my parents.  But, I have been in and out of their house for about four years now – and at the time, I was preparing to leave for Germany.  The paper I wanted to fill out?  It was to write out my email address so I would be able to receive the missionary’s updates as they were sent out.  My email address is different from my mom’s, and is different from my dad’s.  I usually live with them – but I still live a life of my own as an adult.  I am independent.

While I know the person who refused to give me the paper and prayer card was probably trying to save a few trees, the situation did hurt.

5. This one is attached to number four.  If there has been big news shared with my parents, please don’t assume that they’ve told me.  Again, I do live with them, but I live my own life.  I go to school, help watch my cousin, hang out with my friends, and travel. If there is news that you want me to hear about – tell me and make sure I know.  I would love to hear the news as well as an opportunity to catch up with you! Please don’t rely on my parents to inform me.  They also live busy lives and may forget to tell me your news or information.

6. Don’t teach us, as singles, to wait for a spouse as though it’s the most important life event.  Teach us to live.   Yes, you should encourage abstinence of sex before marriage. However, teach us it’s okay to live in the moment…Teach us that our lives don’t revolve around meeting a potential life-time mate.

7.  Do encourage me – and other singles – to be confident and independent in who we are!  We are not defined by our relationship status.  Being single, we can have late nights with friends, have flexibility to travel, and have our own schedules.

-------------------------------------------------

These are just a few observations I have made from my own life as a young, single woman.  I am sure that there are other single women (and men) who have made a similar list of their own.

Currently, I am single.  Maybe one day I’ll marry – maybe one day I won’t.  From my older teenage years until now, I have had my ups and downs with singleness and I am sure I’ll continue to have these moments.   But, I know it’s not just an issue for those who are single. Even people who are dating and people who are married have their ups and downs too in regards to their relationships, or what people from the outside say or do.

Please don’t think from this post that I am desperately seeking for someone to date – because I’m not.  In fact, I have a five-year “no man plan” in place (please feel free to click on the link!). Again, I do have my up and down moments and frustrations, but I’m embracing the single years…taking chances in doing things that may be more difficult for dating or married people to do – such as living in Germany for six months.

Single, dating, or married.  Life is a beautiful adventure – despite your relationship status.

The Travelin’ Chick,

Crystal

Welcomed by the Youth

The last two Friday nights that I've been in Germany, I have been attending a youth night/Bible study.  The youth group meets once a week, every Friday.

Before I continue about my time in the youth group - let me define what they refer to as a youth group. The youth group at the specific church I am attending isn't just middle school thru high school ages.  The ages range from about 17 or so until about 20-something, maybe even early thirties.

The first Friday I went, I was very nervous.  Here I am, in a new culture, not knowing the language, or the people.  I didn't know anyone in the room - except the person who had just given me a ride, whom I had only spent about 10 minutes with at that point.  I was told that many people there knew English, but I didn't know who knew English, or how well.

I met one guy named Peter.  He talked to me for about five minutes and was very welcoming.  I guess he could tell that I was a bit nervous, as he asked me, "You're quite shy, aren't you?"  I told him, "Ummm...Sometimes."  He replied, "But I thought Americans weren't shy??"  Ha...I guess I proved that stereotype wrong!

Peter then took me to meet a few girls.  They were very kind and took it upon themselves to translate everything to me during the night. Announcements, the message, songs...You named it, they heard it in German and turned it into English.

At one point, one of the leaders (and brother of the people I live with), Hermann, was giving some announcements to the group.  While this part wasn't translated word for word, I knew he was sharing that there was an American in the group who only spoke English.  (AKA: Me.)  While introducing me, there was a moment I found to be awkward.  One of the guys in the group said something (in German, of course) that resulted in his whole row looking back at me and laughter being shared among people in the room.  I have no idea what was said.  I didn't think to ask for the translation because I was caught off-guard and felt a bit embarrassed...but at least some people got a good laugh...right??

During the service they also sang two songs in German, and one in English.  The first Friday was a great introduction to the group.  I met a few people and they were all very welcoming.

This last Friday, I went back once again.  The same girls helped me out again by spending time with me and translating their native language to mine.

During the message, the leaders had everyone break into about 7 groups.  Before I realized what was happening, people started counting off.  People who said the number "one" were part of group "one".  People who said the number "two" went with group "two".  However, I don't yet understand the numbers in German.  I've heard them before, but not enough to realize when people are counting.  The group was counting and saying their group number.  Then, it was my turn to say a number...but I was still clueless as to what was even taking place.  Once it hit my turn, I think I got the "deer in the headlights" look as I knew I was suppose to say something - but I didn't know what.  Thanks to my new friend for allowing me to follow her to her group!

The groups were all given the same challenge to discuss.  The challenge was to find something (an act of service) that each group can do for the church or the community within the next month.  My group spoke in English the whole time, with a little bit of German.  I insisted that they could speak in German, but one of the guys told me, "But speaking in English is cool!"

Each group had a piece of paper for our group to write down our act of service we wanted to do.  Our group came up with an act of service and they wrote down the names of each member of our small gathering.  When they got to my name, one of the guys asked me, "How do you describe your name?"

How do I describe my name?  What???  It took me a second, and then I realize what he was asking.  I responded, "Oh!  Do you mean how to I spell my name?"

For those of you who don't know much about the German alphabet (as I didn't know much about it either until recently), their alphabet is a little bit different.  There are a few more letters in it and the letters are pronounced differently.  Sadly, I couldn't remember how to pronounce all the letters the German way - but I did remember one important one.  The following was how the next conversation took place:

"I spell my name C-R-Y..." - Me
"Y?  Which letter is Y?" - German Guy
"I don't know...I don't remember..." - Another German Guy
"Oh!!  Sorry...I mean 'upsilon'!...Did I say that right??" - Me
"Yes!  You did!  Good job!" - My New Friend

While I couldn't remember the exact way to say each letter, I remembered 'upsilon'!  If you've ever attempted to learn another language, you know exactly how good it feels when you remember a word (or, in this case, a letter!) and get something right.  It's one of the greatest feelings of accomplishment.  It also gives the feeling and thought of, "I remembered something in German!  Yesssss!  Maybe I'll be okay here after all."

After each group finished filling out their paper of what they want to do in the next month, we turned the paper in and all gathered together for the rest of the service.  The leaders read off the different papers of the tasks everyone intends to do.  Some mentioned that they want to help the church janitor clean for a day, some want to help care for the church garden, others want to provide snacks for the Friday night youth service.  Our group decided to write notes of encouragement to members of the church who are currently in a time of discouragement and hardship.

As the leader was reading off all the different things people planned to do, she was reading them in German as my new friends translated for me.  Then, the leader switched to English and looked at me saying, "The next one is a surprise for Crystal.  One of the groups wants to sing a song for you in English."

The group went up to the stage.  The same leader who introduced me the week before, Hermann, was in this group, and he spoke saying something like, "We just wanted to let you know we are very glad and happy that you are in our youth group while you are here.  We want to sing a song for you and we hope you enjoy it."

The song wasn't one that I knew - but I liked it!  The song is called, "Heaven is a Wonderful Place".  The group sang the song and then invite everyone else to join them for the second round.  If you don't know the song - click here for a youtube (random) video of the song.

After the service was over, they had hotdogs for everyone to enjoy.  (Yum!)  As we ate our hotdogs we all chatted and some of us stayed to play games.

I got to the church around 8:00 pm.  I didn't leave until about 12:00 am.

I'm really looking forward to meeting more of the youth group this upcoming Friday, as well as getting better aquatinted with my new friends.

I have only gone to the youth group twice, but I look forward to going more than I can really express.  The youth of the church have really gone above and beyond in welcoming me to Germany.  Although I've told them I don't expect someone to translate for me every time, or for them to sing a song in English every week, so far they have.  Every time I have left the group, I leave feeling encouraged.  They have really included me and I am excited about making new friends.

The Travelin' Chick,
Crystal