About 11 weeks ago I became an aunt to a beautiful blue-eyed, red-headed little girl!!...And what a joy she has been!! In expectancy of my sweet little niece, Madison, I wrote her mom and dad a poem before she was born...based off of children being stinky and messy. The title? Ode to Stinky Offspring. (It's super classy.) I guess you could say that writing cheesy poems is one of my best hidden talents. (Ha!) In honor of Mother's Day, and with permission from my sister, Amanda, I wanted to share the poem and an adorable picture of my niece with you. Maybe you're not a mom, and that's okay! Maybe you're an aunt, uncle, or a teacher. Mother or not, if you've had any experience with small children, I think you'll enjoy it too!
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Ode to Stink Offspring
Written by: Crystal Hodges (with a little help from her mom, Rhonda!)
Your baby girl will be made with sugar, spice, and everything nice,
Look at her smile!!
but for you I have some advice.
Little offspring are stinky,
And a bit of her poo may get on your pinky.
But when she goes poo,
make sure you get all that yucky goo.
Diaper duty will make her auntie gag,
For when I cover my mouth, that's your red flag.
Changing that nappy will make me queasy,
Don't make me do it, oh pleazy, pleazy!!
Sometimes her spit-up,
Will be licked up by a pup.
There will also be lots and lots of slobber,
From your precious little daughter.
Grandpa will teach her how to properly poot,
And you'll want to give him the boot!!
Sometimes her poot will leave you crying out, "Oh baby, baby!"
Some air freshener may be needed, maybe, maybe!!
She might even share a soft substance from her little nosey,
About two weeks ago my friend Denise ask me if I'd be willing and able to partake in the creating of a card board testimony for the California Free Will Baptist 2015 state meeting. Denise did a great job putting it together. What a blessing it was to see the video for the first time last night and to see how lives have been - and continue to be - changed because of Christ!
Being born with a facial difference, I find myself in more interesting situations than normal - or at least, that's what I've been told by several family members and friends each time I share a new story. About two or three years ago I found myself in one of my usual situation. There were the typical rounds of staring, followed by the typical, awkward dialogue.
My mother, sister, and I were on one of our mother-daughter trips in Los Angles. Since no mother-daughter trip is fully complete without some shopping, we decided to head to a mall near our hotel.
Before we fully stepped into one of the jewelry stores, the staring had already begun...This time by the store clerk. As something shiny caught the eyes of both my sister and I, we found ourselves standing in front of one of the jewelry cases. It only took seconds before the lady walked out from behind the counter and stood right next to me, briefly glancing at my sister to ask her if she could pull anything out for her to look at, quickly glancing back at me as she continued her staring.
I don't remember us trying anything on in that store that day (which is a rarity for three women in a jewelry store), but I do remember that lady never leaving my side - nor her wide-eyes ever leaving my face. Eventually, as her eyes widened even more and her face broke my American comfort zone of personal space, and this is how the conversation took place...
Store Clerk: "What happened to your face??!?" Me: "Oh, it's just a birthmark. I was born with it." (As I finished my statement and the lady's gawking continued, our mother-daughter trio picked up on each other's cues that it was time to leave.) Store Clerk(still with her face just inches away from mine): "Ohhhhhhh...That must be an interesting story to tell!" Me(while walking out the door): "Uh-huh...I guess so...Have a great night..."
Depending on the story and how the curious person treats me, combined with my internal dialogue's witty sarcasm, I often walk away from situations telling my friends, "This is how I responded to the person...but this is how I wanted to respond!"
To replay my last response, this is how I responded: "Uh-huh...I guess so...Have a great night."
Yet, in that moment, when she told me, "...that must be an interesting story to tell", this is how I wanted to respond, "Yeah, sure. It is super interesting. I was born...the end."
Just to re-emphasis - my internal, sarcastic responses aren't usually a 2 for 1 type of deal: "Share a comment or question about my birthmark, get sarcasm free!" My sarcastic, internal dialogue is only reserved for very special experiences, such as ones like the one I've mentioned in this entry...ones that uncomfortably make me feel like a zoo animal on display. As odd as it may sound to some, sarcasm and humor have been one of my many coping mechanisms when I find myself in hurtful situations in regards to my facial difference - and I keep my internal response (at least, until I'm away from a situation) to myself as I process the experience.
About a year ago I started to remember my high school years and having the opportunity to attend an amazing event called The Revolve Tour. To summarize: The Revolve Tour is/was a teen girl edition of Women of Faith (I think this event is no longer running). During this two day even there were many different music artists performing, as well as many inspirational speakers. Some of the performers and speakers that were a part of my two years attending this event were: Tammy Trent, Hawk Nelson, Group 1 Crew, Natalie Grant, Chad Eastham, and Jenna Lucado Bishop. (There were more presenters than that, but those are the ones I remember most.)
Natalie Grant has always been a favorite music artist of mine and going to an event where she was singing and speaking was such a highlight of my high school years - and I got to do it TWICE. While I had always known about her amazing musical talents, it wasn't until these events that I had the chance to hear her incredibly testimony...A testimony where she struggled to fulfill her desire to feel beautiful (starting after her boyfriend at the time made a comment about a woman pictured on a magazine), finding bulimia as her companion during her search of self-acceptance. Finally, she found herself in a moment of realization that she shared with The 700 Club, "...I’ve never heard God speak audibly but the Holy Spirit speaks to us on the inside, and it’s like I felt him saying ‘My grace is enough. My grace is enough.’ And that Scripture began to transfer from my head to my heart. I remember looking at that toilet and going, 'I am kneeling to the wrong God. I’m kneeling to this god of myself because this is what I do to make myself feel better and to feel accepted, and to look a certain way'..."
After my second time attending this event, I left feeling inspired in more ways then one. The variety of music was amazing and each testimony gave me goosebumps. Yet in the midst of all this, after attending this event twice and hearing Natalie Grant's story, around the age of 16 I found myself thinking, "This is what I want to do. I want to be a speaker, just like Tammy Trent and Natalie Grant." Then, my thoughts continued, "...But I don't have a story to tell." Before I realized it, my new-found dream was forgotten and buried with self doubt.
Although I do still keep my internal dialogue's sarcastic responses system on-call for special situations, I've come a long way since this interaction with this store clerk. When the situation in that Los Angle store occurred, I was open about my birthmark and happy to answer any questions that came my way - but I wasn't nearly as excited about those opportunities as I am now. At the time, I didn't see the beauty in the opportunities that I had when people verbally expressed their confusion or discomfort with me unique feature. Throughout the last couple of years a lot has happened in my life and God has been doing a lot of work in both my life and heart. He's helped me realize that although the way the lady treated me and her tone of voice were not okay, in the end, the lady's words were right. I do have an interesting story to tell...It's probably just not one that she would expect in response to her question, "What happened to your face??!?"
Children who see my face for the first time will often ask me, "Did you color your face with...MARKERS?!??" They become incredibly disappointed when I explain that I didn't, and that it's just a birthmark. Yet, maybe their first assumption is actually correct. (Bare with me!)
Maybe, in a sense, my birthmark is like a marker...Like a highlighter to a page, my birthmark is permanently drawing attention to my face. Like many eyes that are drawn to read a highlighted line in a book, many people stop and ask me about my permanently, purple tone, highlighting the left side of my face. I'm asked many question, often being asked my story in a roundabout way. I guess I'm the equivalent to being a highlighted, living audiobook - but the main story goes so much deeper than the walking, audiobook cover that the world sees. The main story within my chapters is not nearly as much about me as it is about Christ and the unconditional love that He holds for me - and anyone who is willing to accept the gift He has to offer the world.
As I continue to grow in Christ every day, I continue to dream new dreams - literally and figuratively. Last night, for example, I had a dream where I was in some kind of meeting with a bunch of people, including Toby Mac. After telling him something along the lines of, "I enjoy the status updates you post on Facebook", he and I somehow ended up in an in-depth conversation talking about our dreams and stories. In addition, in the last two months I've had at least 7 dreams (no, I'm not kidding) where, each time, I have the honor of somehow bumping into Natalie Grant. Each meeting resulting with me asking her, "Can I share my story - my testimony - with you?" Each time she joyfully tells me that she'd love to chat as we go and sit down at a local Jamba Juice (or something) to talk.
I really have no idea where this Toby Mac dream came from (maybe because his song, "Beyond Me" has become one of my life theme-songs lately?). However, now that I'm chasing after my temporarily forgotten dream of being a speaker, new God-sized dreams have been forming in my heart during the last year or so.
This was taken at one of the Revolve Tours
where I had the opportunity to meet Natalie Grant.
One of my "God-sized dreams" includes being able to re-meet Natalie Grant, have the ability to tell her the impact she has had in my life while telling her what God is doing in and with my life since her influence first took root in my heart, and to share the stage with her. Lately I have literally been dreaming about my dreams - and each time they feel so incredibly real. I don't know if all these dreams are just my brain's way of helping me keep my dream alive, telling me, "this dream means something to you", or if it's God's way of saying, "Keep striving/praying for this dream I've put in front of you - it's there for a reason!!" (I've also always dreamt about speaking for the Revolve Tour or for the Women of Faith conference - since the Revolve Tour is no longer running.)
Although she doesn't know it (yet), by following God's guidance and by sharing her story with a stadium filled with thousands of teen girls, God was able to use Natalie's words to inspire me to dream a dream that is becoming a part of my reality several years later. Just the thought of being able to share the stage and work along side someone who helped inspire me in such a powerful way just brings me such joy - especially since both of us have chapter in our stories with the common theme of true beauty. One day I hope to have the chance to inspire someone else to dream, just like she inspired me.
I have a lengthy list of God-sized dreams and I'm going to keep praying and dreaming new dreams...Because with God, they have an endless potential of becoming a reality. And whether they stay a God-sized dream or if they become a God-sized reality, I will never let self doubt bury my dream, or more importantly, my story, ever again. Not only did God give me a story to tell just by being born with my purple, highlighted, left cheek, He gave me an even greater story to tell just by loving me. He made me an a living audiobook.
We're all walking audiobooks. Whether it be through your words or actions, what story do you tell others?....What story do you want to tell? What dreams do you want to become a reality?
When you listen to the words of 4-year-old Rayna Lopez, you can instantly tell that her brain is older than her given age. She can count to 100 and can spell a multiple amount of words. She’s wild and rambunctious, but caring and observant. Her goofiness comes from her dad, and her creativity is the product of mother. Rayna has a resume filled with an endless amount of silly faces and she already has a plan for what she wants to do when she grows up. Claiming on of the noblest of paths, she confidently states, “I just want to make people laugh!”
This 4-year-old has strong opinions of her own…and she’s never shy about letting them be known. When she found out she was going to be a big sister last year, she instantly wanted a sister – not a brother! When asking her what would happen if she got a baby brother, she would bluntly state, “We’ll just send him back!!” With a plan in mind she continues, “We’ll send him back to someone who wants a baby brother.” (Don’t worry - her wish came true! She now has a sister, Erica!)
Rayna, unknowingly, has a way of encouraging others – even in life’s most simplistic moments. Asking her who her best friend is, her ocean-blue eyes light up and meet my gaze by saying, “You! You’re my best friend!!” When asked why that is, her answer is the most beautiful of them all, “Because I love you!!”…And what’s not encouraging about that?
In the 4 years I’ve known Rayna, I’ve learned more from her than I ever expected or thought possible. For example, right before she turned 4-years-old, I leaned over to her and whispered in her eager small ear and told her, “I love you!” With a shy yet understanding smile, she gently responded, “I know.”
Often when we tell others, “I love you”, we await the typical response of, “I love you too”…Not Rayna’s two worded answer of, “I know.”
Although her response wasn’t the typical reply that is expected, in that moment, those two words meant more to me more than I can fully express. Hearing her respond with “I know”, I realized by those two words combined together that I must be doing something right. Not every child in the world knows or realizes they are loved, but by the age of 3, it was clear that Rayna has recognized my love for her early on. Whether it’s through my actions or words (or both), she gets the full message that she’s a special person in my life. Just knowing that she knows and understands the love that I have for her means so more than simply hearing the usual reply of, “I love you too.”
Rayna has brought more laughter to my life than any other single person I’ve ever met in my 23 years of living. She’s a blessing that was brought into my life at the perfect moment. This brilliant child constantly brings an endless amount of joy through both the good times and the bad. During a rough time in my life when my heart was completely shattered and broken, causing me to feel as though I’d never be whole again, she healed my heart in remarkable ways in which no one else has ever had the power to do.
Her childlike perception helps see me see the world in a extraordinary, beautiful, yet often forgotten, perspective. She’s an irreplaceable and extraordinary girl and when I grow up…I hope to be just like her.
And although she’s only 4, she’s my best friend – because I love her. (And I'm not afraid to say it!)
Can I just say it's tricky and confusing sometimes to have both a hurt ankle in a cast/boot AND a purplish facial birthmark??
Let me explain.
Currently I'm in a walking boot and have been on and off crutches for a few months. Last month I was leading a seminar at a youth camp and at some point during camp a junior high student asked me, "What happened to you??" I told him, "Oh, I just hurt my ankle. I kind of broke it a little." The kid looked SO confused...And then I realized he was asking about my face.
For a few moments I totally forgot about my birthmark.
I find the story to be funny, but truthfully: it was a good feeling to realize I had forgotten about it.
A couple of weeks before this took place, someone else asked me the same question. That time I automatically assumed they were talking about my face, I told them, "Oh, it's just a birthmark." The person looked at me with, yet another, scrunched up forehead and responded, "No...I mean, what happened to your ankle??"
In the past I often forgot about my birthmark until someone reminded me with their stares or comments, or unless I looked into the mirror and saw it. I rarely put much thought into my difference until I am put into situations that give me no choice but to think about it. Even then I'd laugh through many situations, tell the story a few times, possibly blog about it, and then forget. However, since my picture went viral unintentionally with the text "1 like = beautiful", I have constantly remembered my birthmark. It has been impossible to forget it during the last 6 months or so.
I don't know why my picture going viral has affected me the way it has, affecting me more than the almost-daily experiences I have in my real life, versus my digital one. I'm still trying to figure that out. Maybe it's because for once, I actually and literally saw myself through someone else's eyes through a form of a meme - or, at least, my interpretation of how I thought the meme creator saw me...Not to mention the 20,000+ comments from strangers that I read from around the world. I'm guessing that seeing myself through 20,000+ eyes in one go added up and impacted me more than I anticipated, even if I pretended that it didn't. Until this had happened I never realized how different I must truly look to the outside world.
You see, I've always known I was different - but for the first time I felt different...and it didn't feel very good. For the first time I felt truly uncomfortable in my own skin, catching myself looking down towards the ground more than I care to admit in response to my temporarily depleted source of confidence.
Forgetting about my facial difference was like a fresh breath of air. It was nice to forget about my birthmark because that made me realize that I'm finally healing from the whole ordeal and from the painful emotions I've gone through since. Although 6 months have passed, I can't deny that I'm still affected.
I still hurt, but the pain isn't as sharp as it once was. I still have things I need to work through, but I've been making progress. Through this experience, I've questioned many things I've never questioned before - some things that are good to question, others are questions I've never wanted to ask and never thought I would...yet, slowly but surely, I'm finding and discovering much needed answers. I've been broken, but with the help of friends, family, and God, I'm being put back together again.
Last week I read a quote on Pinterest that is currently on my top 10 of my favorite quotes:
"It's okay to be a glow stick. Sometimes we need to break before we shine." - Author Unknown
In the midst of this breaking experience I received many encouraging emails and comments. One that has really stuck with me. I can't remember who said it to me, but paraphrasing what they said, they basically told me that it's okay to be broken. When we're broken, God's light often shows through the cracks even brighter than before, and that's a beautiful thing.
I've been broken. Let's face it - I was shattered, crying the "ugly cry" more times in 6 months than I had cried in all my life...But you know what?? God is good. God is a healer. He has given and shown me a source of strength I never knew I had. God has even provided more encouragement support than I could have ever anticipated from family, friends, and strangers around the world (seriously, I've been in awe).
God has continuously reminded me of my worth, even when my human perception of that hasn't been clear on what my worth is in those darkest of moments. He even gave my friend a song for me, helping me see myself through my Father's eyes again when my vision went blurry and I struggled to only see myself through the eyes of thousands of strangers who don't even know me. (I'm sure that's one of my most played iTune tracks as of yet!)
But on top of all that?? God has also provided opportunities to tell my story and it's evident that He has even more up His sleeve - that this is just the beginning!! I've had chances to speak at a youth camp (which was one of my God-sized dreams!), write for magazines, and I'm even headed to Chicago in April in hopes of using my story for His glory. He's been able to use my story of brokenness to shine through to others to remind them of their true worth, their true value.
I realize I wrote my initial entry about the incident months ago, and that was basically all I've published here on my blog since late August. Some of you may be thinking, "It's about time you wrote an update on this situation here on your blog!" During the last several months I tried to write something, but I couldn't. I can't even tell you how many drafts I started but didn't get past a paragraph, let along a sentence or two.
Truthfully, I actually had many moments where I came extremely close to deleting my blog and all forms of social media I had ever signed up for, but didn't thanks to the encouragement of some mentors. I also realized that if I were to do that, my main platform in which I could tell my story would be gone. Not only that, but if I deleted my blog, Facebook, and Twitter, the situation and what happened wouldn't disappear. I would only be ignoring and hiding from it, and nothing good would ever come from that.
Looking back, I think I just needed some distance from the situation before I publicly tackled it more in-depth, beyond the first entry and other entries that touched on my thankfulness for the support people have offered and given. I needed distance because I needed to have a better glimpse at the puzzle God was putting together, to see a small glimpse of the beauty He had in store...To see how He would shine through the brokenness. At this point I know I've only seen a glimpse of the picture He's putting together with the puzzle pieces, I just have no idea how He plans to put it together or what the full timeline looks like. And that's okay.
Being broken usually isn't the most desired experience. It's hard. It's messy. It typically involves a lot of pain and tears. Sometimes, though, when you gain some distance from a situation and when you stay willing to be used (even in the moments when you feel too broken to be used), being broken can be one of the most beautiful experiences with the most beautiful, unexpected, results.
And you know what? Now that I've gained some distance and have looked down the road, I realize that although I've had many opportunities, in the midst of all the chaos and doubt, I never desired to be in anyone else. I never thought, "If only I had a 'normal' face, life would be better!!" I never regretted God's allowance of my unique feature. I may have gone through some great times of darkness and questioning, but God never let me go there. I never doubted the way that I was born, I never doubted that this is who I am suppose to be...and that's pretty cool.
The exciting part of it all?? I know I have only seen a glimpse of what God has in store. Deep down, I know there are more beautiful things to come, but all I really want to do is shine for Him.
Even through the pain, I'm thankful that he has picked me to play a part in this story. I'm thankful for the Light that helps me shine.
The Broken, Yet Brightly Shining, Travelin' Chick,
Crystal
PS: Just to keep you, my readers, on your toes...There are some behind the scenes type of things that have been playing out. I mean, majorly unexpected things. I'm hoping this will/can be something that I can write about soon, but I'm going to wait until things are more confirmed. Please be in prayer for the story that continues to unfold. Recently I was talking to someone about what may be in development and they told me, "Wow. Here I was thinking that you were at the end of this story in your life, but really, it sounds like you're possibly in the middle!" And if it turns out that I am in the middle?? It will be an incredibly beautiful plot twist I can't wait to share with you all.
When you meet one of my really close friends (Melinda) you’ll notice one thing right away: She and I are total opposites.
She loves to dance and has rhythm. I can't keep beat to save my life, and prefer to listen to music while standing still.
Melinda enjoys cooking, and well…It’s a rarity that you see me in the kitchen without chocolate and sugar, verses chicken and rice. She loves to cook, I love to bake.
Her personality is bubbly and outgoing. Me? I’m usually friendly and am out going in the right situations, but I frequently stay more mellow and in my quiet shell in areas where Melinda socially thrives.
She's Pentecostal. I'm (Free Will) Baptist.
Our personalities, our wardrobes, our taste in guys…They’re 100% opposite.
Thinking about it, I think only thing I think we really have in common is our music choice and that we both love Jesus. (If you ask her about all this – she’ll pretty much tell you the same thing. We’ve talked about this 1,000 times - no exaggeration.)
Usually it works out in ways where she gets me out of my quiet, shy shell and I help her think of things in a new perspective. We’re opposites, but we often compliment one another really well.
In a recent discussion, though, we realized that we’re opposites in another way.
While not wanting to be redundant, I know I mentioned above that our tastes in guys are different. However, a few days ago we realized that our comfort levels in regards to having a relationship with a guy are different too.
A few months ago Melinda asked me a brutally honest question…a question no one has asked me before, and a question that made me really think hard about the answer. Her question?? She basically asked me, “Do you think you sometimes use your "Five Year 'No Man Plan'" as a way to hide from the possibility of a relationship? Do you think you’re afraid of a relationship, and this no man plan is a comfort zone?”
She even continued by pointing out, “Even when we’re out and you see or meet a cute guy, you point out he is attractive, yet you instantly start talking to me about your no man plan. You explaining that it doesn’t matter that you’re attracted to him – because you have a plan. You say you’re open to the right guy if God brings him, but it’s like you use it as an instant repellent by mentioning it within ear shot around the guy.”
Woah. I hadn’t really thought about this before, and I really had to be honest with her – and myself. (I didn’t even realize that I do this.)
I’ve never been in a relationship before – but not necessarily by choice. It was never my plan to spend all of my 23 years of my life in total and complete singleness. Truthfully, I always figured that by this point in my life I would have at least been on a date or two, minimum - and I realize that going 23 years without going on a date or being in a relationship is extremely unusual in our culture. (People tell me this all the time - even if it's just by their very obviously shocked facial reactions.)
I’ve never had a boyfriend, I’ve never dated, I've never been in a relationship - and realistically I know I really don't have much control on this matter. Things in life happen in their own time, and my timing for things to happen may not be the same as our culture's norm...and that's okay.
In the past I've had a few crushes. I’ve even fallen hard for a couple of guys here and there with an attached hope for him to like me back…With the hopes of having a relationship with that guy. It’s just never worked out for different reasons.
Which, side note: It always cracks me up when people ask me why I’ve never had a boyfriend or why I've never been in a relationship, as if this is 100% by choice because having a desire to have a boyfriend means that I should have one automatically...but life is always a bit more complicated than that.
As I thought about her question, I realized that yes, I do think I use my no man plan as an excuse at times. I don’t always do that, but I think I do sometimes use it as a safety net. Sure, I claim I’m open to a possible relationship if the right guy were to pursue me – but how open have I really been to the idea? Probably not as open as I said I would be. (Although, I have to say…it really is easy to stick to a no man plan when there are no eligible, single, Christian men near me, or any eligible Christian guys attempting to pursue me. This creates an easy, no effort necessary, instant no man plan success. Ha…)
My no man plan has done a really good job with its main purpose: Helping me focus on my school work, getting a job, etc. It’s done a good job in helping me stay focused on the fact that I don’t need a man to live or thrive – because really, I don’t. I’m living in the moment, happy with being single, not focusing on the fact that I don’t have a boyfriend – like many girls my age have a tendency to do when single. (If you read the actual blog entry on my plan, then you’ll see it’s full, logical purpose – all of which are valid points.)
However, I think Melinda is right. My plan has become my comfort zone. I know no other way…I don’t know what it’s like to have a date, or a boyfriend. It is completely unknown territory and that scares me. I’ve defined myself by who I am as an independent person – and I have no idea how I would change, how my life would change, if there were another person so close to me.
A part of it, I think, is that although I’ve never had a relationship – I have been hurt in the past. Sometimes I’ve been hurt by a guy or two intentionally, and there has been a time or two that the hurt hasn’t been intentional.
But then I realize that I’ve even been deeply hurt by past close friendships I once valued so deeply with people I once trusted, yet, I have no idea what even happened between me and some of those friends. I’ve tried to find out, but I haven’t gotten any answers. If you know me well – I thrive the best when I have good, deep friendships and cannot stand having broken ones, or ones that seemingly and mysteriously end. Broken or ended friendships hurt me deeper than I can ever explain.
A guy as a boyfriend? He’s more than just a boyfriend. He is first, and foremost, a friend. And I think that alone scares me. Knowing the sting of lost friendships, I can’t imagine the possible pain of a lost close friendship and deeper relationship with a man.
To have a boyfriend, it means being open and transparent – and I know I’m not always very good at that. In the back of my mind, I think I sometimes wonder in regards to specific friendships, “Well, I use to be good friends with so and so. I was honest and transparent with them, but where are they now?? What’s the point if people keep leaving?”
There’s a certain level of myself that wants to keep things to myself, because I fully trust myself. I feel as though I can protect my heart in ways others can’t and in ways that others have let me down.
For example: In my blog entry "Exchanging the Negative for the Positive" I mentioned the lady who gave me unasked for make up advice so I can “hide" my birthmark "better”. I mentioned it frustrated and hurt…But what I didn’t mention? I didn’t mention that when I got into my car, I bawled my eyes out like a baby. Granted, I know some of those tears were from feeling physically awful from my recent gallbladder surgery, and from my disappointment of not going to DC this summer to attend Gallaudet…(In 2014 I was accepted into the college for the Deaf for 6 weeks of summer ASL classes)…but I know that a lot of it was the frustration in feeling like I’m in this constant struggle of wanting society to accept me as me, facial difference and all. A lot of my tears were from a build up of many hurtful comments that people had recently thrown my way. Yet, I left that part of out of my blog…And I even chose to forgo the fact that I had a major crying session in my car when telling the story to Melinda, and even to my mom – and I tell them both just about everything.
Melinda, on the other hand, is comfortable when she has a relationship with a man. She’s comfortable in having another half, a boyfriend. While I find my identity in being an individual while being independent, she frequently finds herself craving to have a relationship, while uncomfortable being single…often wondering when God will bring her “Mr. Right”.
I don’t know all the reasons as to why that’s her comfort zone, and really, it’s not my place to blog about them anyway. We all have our comfort zones, and they’re all different depending on the person. Her comfort zone just happens to be relationships, and mine happens to be in my singleness.
What I do know is that when I see my friend – I see her for her. I see her personality, her dreams and vision, her humor, her life story. I remember all the joy and laughter she’s brought to my life. She’s a woman who loves God with all her heart and always an honest woman who keeps in me check when it’s needed the most. She’s a woman who hopes to marry one day – as long as it’s the right guy. I see her as a person, a person who doesn’t need a guy to define her.
Just like I see Melinda’s value as being her being herself, I know that she sees me for me. She sees a woman who loves to ramble in her blog, who loves to travel, and who has massive God-sized dreams for her life – while loving God throughout all that life brings her. She sees me as a woman who, although she sees me as an individual, she sees someone who deserves true love just as much as any other woman – even if I don’t always feel like I do.
During the summer we had a conversation where we were comparing our differences and Melinda told me, “I think for the summer, you and I need to switch plans. I should take your no man plan – and you should put your no man plan on hold. We should both step out of our comfort zones!” Ha!
Often people ask me in confusion, “Do you even want to get married one day?” I cannot even emphasis how much I would love to marry in my future, and I hope that’s a blessing God includes in his plan for my life. Yet, I don’t want to put too much hope in something that may never happen…and while a relationship is sometime I desire, it’s also something I am scared to have – hence my comfort zone.
Now that I’ve been honest with myself, God, my friend, and now my blog readers – here’s to continuing in my no man plan, but not using it as a safety net, excuse, or form of repellent.
Here’s to being more open, and more willing to embrace any possible future God may have for my life – man included, or not.
You may be in a comfort zone too. Maybe it’s relationship related, or maybe it’s not. Just in case you need to break out of a comfort zone you’re in too – here are a favorite quote that I have found on doing so as a form of encouragement:
“Move out of your comfort zone. You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new.”
- Brian Tracy
“I'm continually trying to make choices that put me against my own comfort zone. As long as you're uncomfortable, it means you're growing.”
-Ashton Kutcher
“The further you get away from yourself, the more challenging it is. Not to be in your comfort zone is great fun.”
- Benedict Cumberbatch
“Coming out of your comfort zone is tough in the beginning, chaotic in the middle, and awesome in the end...because in the end, it shows you a whole new world!! Make an attempt.”
- Manoj Arora
“Sometimes we have to step out of our comfort zones. We have to break the rules. And we have to discover the sensuality of fear. We need to face it, challenge it, dance with it.”
- Kyra Davis
You never know what could be if you’re not willing to try, right?
***Please note, I did ask Melinda if it would be okay to include her in this blog entry. I did not write about her on a such a personal level without her okay, and without her proof reading what I wrote first.***
This picture is from last year, December of 2013, taken
after my ankle surgery. This is a knee caddy.
(If you saw my recently blog entry, Casts: Just Another Canvas Full of Potential, you know that I've recently reinjured my right ankle. For the last few weeks I have had limited mobility as I hop along with my new, blue, beautifully decorated accessory on my leg - a cast.)
"Crystal, come with me to my room so we can play!!", Rayna exclaimed cheerfully on Christmas day. Gliding down the hallways of her house on my fancy, better-than-crutches, knee caddy with my blue cast resting upon the leather seat, I followed my excited 4-year-old little cousin who was ready to play with her newly opened Christmas toys.
Once arriving to her princess/Mickey Mouse themed room she instantly sat on the floor and started to play with her new Lincoln Logs. I stood there casually, on my one good leg watching her, as I talked with another family member in the room. And then I ate it.
Before I realized what was happening, my still-bent right knee with my casted leg abruptly hit the (thankfully) carpeted ground. Confused as to how I could fall while standing perfectly still (I mean, I know I'm accident prone...but even that was a weird one for me!), I looked at my knee caddy and instantly knew there was no way I'd be getting back on it. There was no way, as the seat was tilted and broken off the base of the scooter.
For the rest of Christmas day, I went back and forth from the living room to Rayna's room by the use of my crutches...All while Rayna continuously asked me throughout our time together, "Crystal, why do you have so many owies?"
She even imitates my passion for
taking silly face pictures.
Today, nearly one week after Christmas, my grandmother sent me a video of my 4-year-old cousin pretending to walk on crutches. With the help of a child's upside-down broom stick and the support of my grandfather, she dangled her right leg in the air - keeping it from touching the ground. (I've included the video at the end of the entry, after receiving her mother's permission to post it.)
Replying to my grandmother's text, I asked her what inspired the moment of the video. She told me, "I think it's 'who' and not what. Maybe you??"
It was a humorous video to watch, and I had a good laugh...but it was also a good reminder of how observant children are and that they are constantly trying to imitate the actions of those that they look up to.
Rayna is in a BIG Crystal phase right now. She's always asking when she can see me again and telling all her friends that she loves family dinners because, "I get to see Crystal!" During Christmas dinner she even made a lengthy toast filled with her thankful heart, ending it with, "...I'm just so thankful for this great big universe, but most of all I am thankful forrrrrr CRRRYYYSSTAAALLLL!!"
A few weeks ago my my mother and I went to see Rayna and her parents - Krispy Kreme donuts in hand. (Which are a valuable delicacy for my city since we don't have a Kripsy Kreme locally.) Ignoring the donuts, Rayna pulled me towards her parents bed and had me read her one of her favorite books. At some point I told her, "Hey - there are donuts in the living room...Do you want a donut? I love donuts. They are one of my favorite treats."
As we sat to eat our donuts, once back in the living room, Rayna exclaimed, "I just LOVE donuts!" Her mom, my aunt Felicia, looked at me and said, "Um...What? No she doesn't. She doesn't like donuts - she never has. I think your little cousin is trying to impress you."
I think it's safe to say that she's currently my biggest fan. Or, at least, one of them. And she's watching me. She's eagerly and dilligently listening to my words and to the things I say. She's trying to figure out how to be like me, trying to impress me when she copies my actions and says the things that I say - even when she doesn't like donuts.
As a new year begins I know that many people are reflecting from their year in 2014. They are setting their New Year's Resolutions. People are striving to find new ways to live a better life in the coming days - and that's great!
As we get ready for our new year by reflecting how we spent the last 12 months and as we plan how to spend the next year, let's not forget the influence we have on others.
Maybe you don't have a 4-year-old cousin watching your every move who begs you to read the classics of The Poky Little Puppy every time you go to her house. But
maybe you have a 12-year-old nephew, an 18-year-old granddaughter, little sister/brother, or you hold a leadership position in a church or school.
In the middle of our reflection and attempts to have a better new year let's ask ourselves, "Am I living the kind of life I want my ______ (cousin, child, sibling...insert name here.) to imitate?? Am I choosing actions that I want them to choose? Am I living a life I want them to live?"...Because their little eyes are watching, their ears are listening, their minds are memorizing, and their actions are copying. They're ready to tell you that they love donuts, even when they never have...just to impress you.
The children in your life, whether they be your own or not, are looking up to you for guidance. Even if you don't think you are - you are a role model. You are someone else's inspiration. You represent what someone wants to become.
